The American Spectator

home
ADVERTISEMENT
The Nation's Pulse
Print Email
Text Size

The Nation's Pulse

Fat Chances

By on 9.8.11 @ 6:07AM

A high-fat strategy for winning in 2012.

My grandfather never ate a leafy green vegetable in his life. The only exercise he ever got was buffing and waxing the hallways at the local high school where he worked for thirty years. He never even heard of light beer. Nobody did.

Yet despite 40 years of diets and exercise his progeny are heavier than ever. The British medical journal the Lancet, estimates that, based on current trends in diet, nutrition, and exercise, half of Americans will be obese by 2030. 

We’re not just talking overweight here. We’re talking about 200 million Americans zooming around in those motorized shopping carts, causing eight-cart pile-ups in the frozen foods section. We’re looking at an entire nation’s infrastructure that will have to be rebuilt and reinforced because half the population can’t make it up a flight of stairs — or will cause a cave-in if they try.

Conservatives dislike talk about the so-called obesity epidemic (especially from dentally challenged Brits at the Lancet). In general, we do not think there is anything wrong with our astounding national girth. In fact, we loudly proclaim our right to be as rotund as we like, which is sort of like being proud of one’s athlete’s foot.

Many conservatives object solely on the grounds that Michelle Obama has taken up childhood obesity as her pet project. They regard Mrs. Obama’s campaign as yet another encroachment of the dread Nanny State. I can see their point. I have a mother. I don’t need the First Lady telling me to eat my organic, locally grown Brussels sprouts. Nor do we want Obama’s goons forcibly herding us off to a fat camp for enjoying one too many chili cheesedogs.

For many of us, life is not all that exciting. So what if we cut our life span by 30 years in order to eat deep-dish pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? It’s our funeral. And speaking of funerals, we are going to need twice the number of pallbearers to carry our coffins.

Naturally, conservatives would reject any initiative the First Lady undertook. If Mrs. Obama adopted Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No to Drugs” campaign, we’d immediately fire up a crack pipe. If she took on Laura Bush’s literacy initiative, we’d burn down our libraries, up to and including our Ann Coulter books, and force our kids to watch more television. On the other hand, it’s unlikely Mrs. Obama would take on those initiatives since they lack adequate opportunity for social engineering. After all, the government has already stuck its big nose into drugs and education, so telling us what we can and can’t eat opens whole new avenues of federal involvement. Control the food pyramid and you control the world.

I suspect the real reason Mrs. Obama has started this anti-obesity crusade is that big people tend to vote for small government candidates. It’s no secret that the red states are by far the heaviest. Mrs. Tolerance and Diversity, however, doesn’t seem to have any tolerance left over for obese folks. She would like nothing more than to purge the U.S. of all the fatties, until there is no one left but granola crunchers and militant vegans.

SOME TIME AGO a svelte Sarah Palin made headlines when she reminded the First Lady that moms were quite capable of feeding their kids without her help. She then went out and ate fried butter on a stick at the Iowa state fair. Other Republicans could pick up on this high-caloric strategy to score big-time political points. GOP candidates should hit the campaign trail (sans the trail mix) and gorge themselves on fried chicken and cheesy mashed potatoes. Next time a candidate stops by a New Hampshire diner, forget the black coffee, no cream. Order a couple of slingers and a milk shake. I’m talking to you, Slim Romney. It’s too bad big-boned New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie opted out of the race. Now there’s a man Americans can relate too. Certainly Rick Perry could stand to put on another twenty pounds. Michele Bachmann has plenty of room in her trunk for a second helping. Ron Paul? Somebody give that man a sandwich.

Come November 2012, the choice will be clear: a new administration that knows how to enjoy a box of Krispy Kreme donuts like us plain heavy-set folks, or four more years of some gaunt ascetic demanding we give peas a chance.

About the Author

Christopher Orlet writes from St. Louis.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (26) |

Brian Mc| 9.8.11 @ 7:09AM

Yesterday, I was sitting outside on my break, having a smoke and enjoying the day when a Chevy Tahoe pulled into the parking lot and headed immediately for the nearest handicapped spot to the front entrance. A woman, roughly my own age, successfully wriggled from the vehicle, (no small task considering she was well past three times my size) and waddled into the store. I found myself wondering who would outlive the other...and which doctor thought it best to give her the permit that was a direct insult to anyone with a true disability.

Mommynator| 9.8.11 @ 7:39AM

It's human nature - the minute you begin to nag, the more likely people are to do just the opposite. If people weren't being harassed about their diets and activity levels night and day, we might actually lose a few.

Louis Jenkins| 9.8.11 @ 8:43AM

Well, I look out of my milk shake stupor at the number of people who are overweight, in fact, I count the number of overweight people at any public event I attend. And its astounding, and we're a blue state. Indulgence seems to be the rule rather than the exception. But look at Muchell! She drinks top shelf vodka, eats only the top choice meat cuts, and dresses only in the best to show off her bare, muscular arms. So who is really over-indulging? Peas over America!!

The Clintidote| 9.8.11 @ 1:48PM

One look at that fat ass on The First Wookie and it's obvious she's as much of a feckless fraud as her Marxist husband.

Occam's Tool| 9.8.11 @ 5:19PM

"You know I love that organic cooking
I always ask for more
And they call me Mr Natural
On down to the health food store
I only eat good sea salt
White sugar don't touch my lips
And my friends is always begging me
To take them on macrobiotic trips
Yes, they are

Oh, but at night I stake out my strong box
That I keep under lock and key
And I take it off to my closet
Where nobody else can see
I open that door so slowly
Take a peek up north and south
Then I pull out a Hostess Twinkie
And I pop it in my mouth

Yeah, in the daytime I'm Mr Natural
Just as healthy as I can be
But at night I'm a junk food junkie
Good lord have pity on me

Well, at lunchtime you can always find me
At the Whole Earth Vitamin Bar
Just sucking on my plain white yogurt
From my hand thrown pottery jar
And sippin' a little hand pressed cider
With a carrot stick for dessert
And wiping my face in a natural way
On the sleeve of my peasant shirt
Oh, yeah

Ah, but when that clock strikes midnight
And I'm all by myself
I work that combination on my secret hideaway shelf
And I pull out some Fritos corn chips
Dr Pepper and an ole Moon Pie
Then I sit back in glorious expectation
Of a genuine junk food high

Oh yeah, in the daytime I'm Mr Natural
Just as healthy as I can be
Oh, but at night I'm a junk food junkie
Good lord have pity on me

My friends down at the commune
They think I'm pretty neat
Oh, I don't know nothing about arts and crafts
But I give 'em all something to eat
I'm a friend to old Euell Gibbons
And I only eat home grown spice
I got a John Keats autographed Grecian urn
Filled up with my brown rice
Yes, I do

Oh, folks but lately I hae been spotted
With a Big Mac on my breath
Stumbling into a Colonel Sanders
With a face as white as death
I'm aftraid someday they'll find me
Just stretched out on my bed
With a handful of Pringles potato chips
And a Ding Dong by my head

In the daytime I'm Mr Natural
Just as healthy as I can be
But at night I'm a junk food junkie
Good lord have pity on me."

Lyric to Junk Food Junkie

Petronius| 9.8.11 @ 9:12AM

Chris
You've got the wrong end of the stick here. Barrack and Moochelle are preoccupied with self image. The very thought of all the Homers and Marges being in their camp, (queen sized or not), is repellent to them. Her vanity should become our vanity, as having the overweight seen on their televised public events is an affront to her. Remember the first time she spoke in front of the cameras and said she was proud of this country for the first time? She didn't say that because Barrack got chosen but because she had her own plans for exercising his power. And damned if she wasn't going to use that power to make this country good enough for them to live in by their standards. The rest of the cabinet just wants healthy taxpayers whose earnings they can continue to bleed dry. Doh!

Timothy L. Pennell| 9.8.11 @ 10:11AM

I think that everybody's looking at this whole FAT thing, the wrong way. Instead of being embarrassed by all these tubs of lard, we should stick out our chests, with National pride.
Show me another country, where THE POOR, are the FATTEST people in the Country.
There isn't one. Only us.
We're #1.
USA. USA. USA.
Seriously.

voted against carter| 9.8.11 @ 2:24PM

Seriously.

I hear a LARGE box of TWINKY's calling my name.

Also a box of FRESH CrispyCreams!!!!

Dan Hirsch| 9.8.11 @ 10:48AM

You know all of those privately scooters are paid for by our wonderful government. Listen closely to those ads, they promise that if you actually have to pay for it, they'll give it to you for free!

You know, if they didn't have the scooter, they'd have to walk, which would actually be exercise and they might lose a bit here or there.

But if you sit in the car, on the scooter, on the couch, or lay in bed 24 hours a day, what are you expecting to do other than balloon up like some misbehaving kid in the Willy Wonka chocolate factory.

Wake up!

DTOM

The Fat Man Cometh| 9.8.11 @ 11:42AM

Very funny, Chris.

Biking to the store, I passed a couple of FATSOS begging for food. I yelled at the gross losers, “You should go on a diet!”.

People have many ways to defend whatever situation they have CHOSEN to be in, especially including waddling around, or tooling around in a scooter, as massive bodies.

Don’t forget, we live in a RATIONAL society, so rationalization is ever so very THERE, to use as a response to ANY criticism.

Rumsfeld’s insight about unknown unknowns, etc, can be applied in HEAVY spades when it comes to the Standard American Diet, or SAD. For many decades, now, the slide has been down, down, down, into ever worsening intake of so-called “foods”. It’s as if each generation subconsciously decides to out grow their parents---LITERALLY.

The key truth is that fat and obese humans are truly starving themselves to an early death. To boot, while alive, they are making their quality of life worse and worse! What a stupid choice!

Let’s put it into a stark either-or:

Since our winning Western culture is so in love with science, based on brilliant mathematics, picture the basic number line, from minus infinity to plus infinity. Now, let it measure the possible diets one could eat, with those on the left being bad, and those to the right being good. At the far left is a diet that instantly kills one, and at the right is one that keeps the body youthfully alive and feeling GOOD, for as long as possible.

In short, eat a suicide pill, and die, or eat the best and live well, for a long time.

And, in between these extremes, are all the other particular diets with their lawful bodily outcomes. Of course, due to biological individuality, each person has a unique “diet line”, so that some people can eat like sheiss and live long, and others eat the same diet and die early, etc.

Isn’t it in-your-face obvious that Americans are shifting to the left, faster and faster?

Remember that ode to capitalism saying, “Those who die with the most toys win”?

These days, it’s all about a race to being the fattest in the fastest time, and dying before anyone else---but, hey, rationalizing that in the meantime, you are enjoying the delicious meals that fill the days.

It is so SAD, and transcendentally funny, to me.

This summer, my little backyard garden of maybe 150 square feet of tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis and yellow crookneck squash, is yielding about five pounds of succulent REAL FOOD per day. It started out as a “force feeding” deal, as I tried to keep current, and not waste a single pound.

But, lately, it has become a total joy to eagerly focus on tomatoes and cucumbers FIRST, and satisfy any remaining hunger pangs with other super foods.

Yes, people simply overeat BAD foods, and just like sticking sugar into a car gas tank ruins the fuel system and forces the auto to wheeze and die, despite the human body’s best efforts to adapt, what you see is what you get—OBESE sick people, what I long ago realized were literally walking OUTHOUSES!

Hint---always try to get better, in every way, every day, by shifting BY wise CHOICE to the right on the diet line, and the body will thank you by over time throwing off all the BAD and happily accepting all the GOOD materials that are swallowed.

But you already knew this, no?

Finally, for today---one of the conventional reactions available for those who choose to “do something” about their worsening weight accumulation, is to diet. Oh, how many particular well-defined diets are there???

Truthfully, though, one is ALWAYS ALREADY on a diet!

As a matter of fact, one is also ALWAYS ALREADY on a fast.

Consider how many minutes a day one spends actually eating. The vast majority of the time is spent: fasting = not eating!

Well, isn’t it obvious? Find a way to spend MORE TIME not eating, and make those precious minutes when you are eating maximally fruitful---not to the taste buds, but to the whole body.

I eat small amounts of great foods many times a day---the whole three square meals a day program is so last century!

Grow up, not out, my friends.

sinanju| 9.8.11 @ 9:12PM

You realize you could have said all this in a single paragraph, don't you?

Buck Ofama| 9.11.11 @ 3:44PM

Stopped reading after, uh, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Divide your word count by 100 and repost.

Franco| 9.8.11 @ 12:21PM

I think concentration camps for fatties is a good idea. There they can be protected from their free-market and free-will encouraged self-destructivness and they will emerge (those that survive) thinner, leaner, and more, well, nicer than they were before.

I imagine a series of dramatic episodes based in these camps--daring escapes through underground tunnels, mass uprisings supported by local partisans who toss Devil Dogs (the snack cake, not Marines) over the barbed-wire fences, etc.

voted against carter| 9.8.11 @ 2:22PM

I hear a LARGE box of TWINKY's calling my name.

Also a box of FRESH CrispyCreams!!!!

Franco| 9.8.11 @ 3:44PM

Whore.

TPSW| 9.8.11 @ 2:35PM

The massive increase in obesity can be tracked to the McGovern commissions vilification of natural fats & meats and the glorification of carbohydrates in the form of grain/breads/pasta that are just un-sweet sugars. Goes back to the liberals thinking they have all the answers and that the science is settled. Seems they are wrong repeatedly.

Slacker| 9.8.11 @ 4:30PM

I’m certain this is connected to the decrease in marriage as most men dry heave at the thought of marrying a chub. Chubs court chubs. If half the population is chubby, it follows that everyone’s dating pool is half what it could be.

How many times have you had to suffer through hearing some lonely fatty complain she can’t find a decent mate? Duh, you are a big sweaty human bowling ball who moves like a waddling duck.

Perhaps 5% can pull off the BBW thing. The other 95% are simply fat.

sinanju| 9.8.11 @ 9:46PM

www.fitness-singles.com. It's for middle-age footloose types who want to avoid fatties.

gene| 9.8.11 @ 5:11PM

Let her stay at home and take care of her own family and leave others to do the same.

Maybe she can get her husband to QUICK smoking.

Maybe?

sinanju| 9.8.11 @ 9:42PM

The theories regarding our predicament have run the gamut from the nutrient-free nature of the factory-made food we get from the supermercado (at least, according to the alt-health crowd our food sucks--and people who don't get their vitamins and minerals are always hungry--no matter how much high-calorie crap they gobble), to the fact that families don't sit down to eat together (remember when you served yourself a little, then a little more if you needed, rather than just scooping a pile out of the fridge, throwing it in the nuker and eating it all?), to the fact that surprisingly few Americans actually cook these days, to the tyranny of the microwave (wherein we heat up more than we need, then can't bring ourselves to throw it away), to 500-channel cable TV and the internet causing us to sleep less than ever (recent studies show sleep-deprived people are always hungry), to an alien virus surreptitiously infecting us and turning us into chubbins.

This might all be true. For certain, something terrible has happened to us over just the last fifteen years. We've exploded, and for those of us who manage it, staying svelte appears to be a grim struggle of endless workouts and hunger. The problem isn't just the U.S., however. Much as the rest of the world loves to point and laugh at the fat Americans, the rest of the world is catching up fast. Even in the turd world, if people aren't actually starving, they are too often fat.

I don't know what to do, but I think a good place to start would be to get government out of health care and out of agribusiness. A privatized health insurance market would be free to offer considerable discounts to fit, non-smoking, low-lipid customers. In agriculture, erasing the monstrous distortions caused by tariffs, subsidies and price-supports (and recent jackbooted crackdowns on organic farmers and backyard gardeners--"Food Safety Act" my ass-fay) could only work to the betterment of our diet. In his 1989 classic "Diet for a New America" rebel ice-cream heir John Robbins tossed out the line that if not for the huge, unseen taxpayer subsidies (beginning with water) hamburger would be $50/lb. Now that may be hyperbole (and of course he also wants us all to be vegans) but you can see what that gives a libertarian/conservative to chew on. Also, the infamous High Fructose Corn Syrup so decried by the health nazis is used nowhere else in the world but here. This is due to the price supports and trade tariffs going to support Big Sugar (well-represented on Capitol Hill) that make plain old cane sugar much more expensive here than on the world market (whether or not HFCS is truly the Devil's spooge). TPSW's reference to the McGovern Commission and the foisting of the food pyramid onto the walls of ten thousand nurse's offices is another good example.

In short, a conservative should instinctively suspect that the answer to our dilemma is less government rather than more outlawing-this and fining-that.

MikeBee| 9.8.11 @ 10:14PM

My wife's grandmother, who lived to be 99 before passing, had her chocolate every day, and her coffee every day. Long life is either in your genes or not. Government should not be telling anyone what they can eat. In fact, they should do away with the food pyramid, which is now exactly upside down from what it was in the 1960s. With this inverted pyramid, obesity is now on the rise, but the animal rights activists can claim that fewer cows are being eaten.

POST American| 9.8.11 @ 11:27PM

---------------------FINAL WORD-----------------------

"I hope you understand folks,
Globalism, 'Free Trade' (monopoly CAP--IT--ALL
--ism) and EUGENICS are ALWAYS intertwined.
ALWAYS. ALWAYS."
-ALAN WATT

-------------------And ---of course, TREASON.

CUT TO THE CHASE!

An even MORE 'winning' strategy for America:

---OPEN, AUDIT and PROSECUTE the century
long legacy of the ILLEGAL, privately owned,
USURY driven, EUGENICS upholding,
republic subverting 'Federal' Reserve.

---RETRO-active IMPEACHMENT of our
past 4 CFR ( Bush Sr, Clinton, Bush Jr,
Obama) front op adminstrations and instant nullification
of ALLL their ILLEGAL treaties, protocols and
'agreements'

---Instant revocation of the TAX FREE status
for the Freemasonic, psychopathic, USURY and
EUGENICS driving and driven, Globalist foundations and NGOs.

The warmest conceivable
prosecution for the reigning heirs and
directors of those who brought us 2 World Wars, Bolsheivism,
Nazism, MAO, the Great Depression,
the betrayal of Korea, the fiasco of Vietnam,
the current 'Banker Bailout' ---and the awesomely unfolding RED China TREASON OP.

--Immediately move to clear the Freemasonry
and Rockefeller 'Council of Churches' Arminian
heretics and sodomy ops from your churches

---------------------------ANY QUESTIONS?

Buck Ofama| 9.11.11 @ 3:42PM

Is there supposed to be a point to this dopey bullshit excuse for journalism?

Hobbes| 9.27.11 @ 11:39AM

Apparently you are too ignorant to understand satire. Buck OFama, now that is brilliant.

Buck Ofama| 9.11.11 @ 3:46PM

I like the story about Lard Ass' revenge in "Stand By Me."

More Articles by Christopher Orlet

More Articles From The Nation's Pulse

My Generation’s Disease

May 17, 2013 | Benjamin Brophy

The Seventeen Year Itch

May 15, 2013 | Lisa Fabrizio

Consternated Conferences

May 13, 2013 | John Tabin

Transsexual Flights from Reality

May 3, 2013 | Mark Tooley

Sweet Sounds Way Out Yonder

May 2, 2013 | Bill Croke

http://spectator.org/archives/2011/09/08/fat-chances

ADVERTISEMENT

Latest Headlines

Not Ready for Primetime Players

Daniel J. Flynn|99 comments

Assessing a Week of Scandal

Matt Purple|117 comments

Oops, Maybe Government is Tyrannical

Marta H. Mossburg|58 comments

Soros Funds Anti-‘Torture’ Report

Mark Tooley|104 comments

Treasure State Treasury

Bill Croke|3 comments

My Generation’s Disease

Benjamin Brophy|60 comments

The View From the Other Side

George H. Wittman|16 comments

USPS: Radical Surgery Needed

Peter Hannaford|19 comments

The Spectacle Blog

Elijah Harper, R.I.P.

Aaron Goldstein | 5.18.13

If Only the Tsar Knew!

F.H. Buckley | 5.18.13

Low-Level IRS Staffer: No, We Didn’t Mastermind This Entire Thing

Matt Purple | 5.17.13

UPDATED: IRS Acting Chief Apologizes, But Defends His Actions

Kaylin Bugos | 5.17.13

Voter Fraud Affected Election Results in Missouri

Kaylin Bugos | 5.17.13

Purple Privacy Push Persists in House Drone Hearing

Luca Gattoni-Celli | 5.17.13

IRS Director: ‘Some People Call Me Maurice’

Kyle Peterson | 5.17.13

Laughing to Keep From Crying

Ross Kaminsky | 5.17.13

SPONSORED LINKS

FLASHBACK TO: 1995

Clip of the Day

Most Popular Articles

My Generation’s Disease

Benjamin Brophy | 5.17.13

The Liberal Union Behind the IRS

Jeffrey Lord | 5.16.13

Not Ready for Primetime Players

Daniel J. Flynn | 5.17.13

Assessing a Week of Scandal

Matt Purple | 5.17.13

Oops, Maybe Government is Tyrannical

Marta H. Mossburg | 5.17.13

The View From the Other Side

George H. Wittman | 5.17.13

USPS: Radical Surgery Needed

Peter Hannaford | 5.17.13

From Bimbos to Benghazi

Jeffrey Lord | 5.9.13

ADVERTISEMENT

Home |About |Contributors |Advertise |Donate |Privacy Policy |Contact

The American Spectator Foundation is the 501(c)(3) organization responsible for publishing The American Spectator magazine and training aspiring journalists who espouse traditional American values. Your contributions are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law. Each donor receives a year-end summary of their giving for tax purposes.

Copyright 2013, The American Spectator. All rights reserved.