The American Spectator : Shore Patrol

Text Size

Shore Patrol

By Ben Stein from the July/August 2011 issue

Our Diarist's summer issue installment.

FRIDAY
Wow. big day. I got up, carried ancient Brigid down the stairs to her preferred spot, then carried her back upstairs to bed. This many-times-a-day ritual always makes me think of Aeneas leaving burning Troy carrying his father on his shoulders. Or do I have that wrong? Can someone tell me?

Then I swam for a while in my pool. I know I have said this before, but I love swimming. I look up at the sky and see the blue atmosphere and the palm fronds and planes high above, and it’s great. One of my first memories is of walking up the walkway of our modest home at 9508 Caroline Avenue, Silver Spring, Maryland, feeling terrified of what kind of mood my mother would be in, and looking up and seeing a large (for those days) propeller-driven passenger plane making contrails high above. That would be freedom, I thought, to be in that plane.

But to be in my pool watching a plane fly over—that seems fabulous, too. Freedom and warmth and the good feeling that comes with exercise combine to lift me up.

Then, shower, shave, get dressed, pack, have a small breakfast of tea, English muffins, and orange juice, and then off to the Los Angeles bureau of Fox to do Cavuto on Business.

Going over to Fox is always fun. This time, a wonderful woman who used to be the camera woman on our show long ago was visiting with her husband and her two lovely sons. Gosh, I’ve known her a long time and her life has turned out wonderfully so far.

We did our show and discussed the stock market, and then off to the airport, immense LAX, to meet my wife and take off for DCA.

Not so fast, though. There was a considerable delay so we ordered lunch at an airport restaurant called Gladstone’s. My wife ordered iced tea. The waiter came back after about 10 minutes and said they were out of iced tea. How is that even possible? It reminds me of the time decades ago when I had breakfast at a hippie café in Santa Cruz and they were out of both butter and salt.

Well, anyway…

The flight was uneventful. It’s an Alaska Airlines flight and it truly is a little gem. Please, Mr. and Mrs. Alaska, keep that flight. It goes into DCA, which some call Reagan (yea!) and it’s a fantastic blessing that it does not take us into horrible, lunatic Dulles, the world’s most confusingly laid out airport.

Then off to dinner with our driver, Bob, and my young pal, Russ. We ate at Clyde’s in Georgetown. It stays open very late, a great advantage for those of us on West Coast time. They were out of chicken. What’s going on?

Four extremely drunk young women came over to talk to us. They were all pleasant and intelligent, but one of them was a lot less drunk than the others. She wants to be an anchor on Fox. She pointed at the other young women. “These are my best friends,” she said calmly. “I would kill them to be on Fox News. I can always get other friends.”

That scared me a bit, so I made Bob and Russ leave and went home to the Watergate to pray with my wife, who was not feeling well after the flight. We have developed the habit of lengthy prayer and meditation each day and night and I feel as if it’s brought us a lot closer. You might think that impossible after having been together for 45 years, but prayer and meditation work wonders, and have indeed brought us closer than ever.

Then, to sleep, but first, pray for our many friends who are ill. Too many, too ill.

SATURDAY
Alex and I flew up to Providence, Rhode Island, on a smooth, easy Delta Connection flight from DCA. Again, Alex was feeling a bit ill after the flight, so she stayed in the hotel to rest. My super driver, Dan, drove me up about 45 minutes to Portsmouth, Rhode Island. I am to give the graduation speech there tomorrow.

Why? Good question. I am doing it as a favor to my dear friend Peter M. Flanigan. He is the world’s handsomest man, summa graduate of Princeton, fearless carrier pilot in the Pacific in World War II (he flew Grumman Wildcats), successful financier, and early and important backer of Richard M. Nixon.

Page: 1 2 3 >

About the Author

Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes "Ben Stein's Diary" for every issue of The American Spectator.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (52) | Leave a comment

Jim Woodward| 8.14.11 @ 1:03PM

Ben,
Your comments on the Easter Shore made me want a crab cake platter, broiled of course, with some fresh shore tomato and sweet corn on the cob.
I lived on the shore from '88 to '91 in the little town of Pittsville, halfway between Salisbury and Ocean City. My first house. I returned in '99, after a sojourn in Savannah and bought a house on Wicomico Creek not far from the Village of Allen and stayed until '06.
The shore has and is changeing, becoming more congested, people, housing, traffic and is not the laid back, idyllic place it used to be. I've been to every little nook and cranny you can imagine; Chestertown to Cape Charles and all the villages and towns in between. It still is a lovely and unique area, some of it still unspoiled.
I've been out here in Utah since '06 and do not regret my move at all. A different beauty, great people and fewer Libs.
Sure do miss those crabs though!

Ocieres R.| 8.26.11 @ 10:49AM

Ben! That photo of you is downright scarey! You look like a bloated blimp. You are one piece of flabby meat!

Time for you to check out a recent photo of Bill Clinton. He's gone vegan. Perhaps you should give up the cheeseburgers and the and the and the and the and the and the

Erma| 8.26.11 @ 10:52AM

Horrors! Ben, you absolutely must learn to control your appetite. You look like a bucket of lard.

May I suggest protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and a green salad for dinner for two or three months.

Ima Hog from Texas| 8.26.11 @ 10:54AM

Gluttony, Ben. Ever heard of the sin of gluttony?

Tim| 8.26.11 @ 10:55AM

Check out the twisted lips and the double chin.

sinanju| 8.26.11 @ 12:59PM

Ben really could start yet another career by doing shows for the HistoryFoodLearning Channel. Sort of a glamorous travel show mixed with local history and cuisine. His delivery might be a bit strange to some but even he is more macho than PBS's Rick Steves.

Someone would have to cut him off when his banter takes a maudlin turn...

Krispy Kreme| 8.26.11 @ 3:46PM

Pigs-'a'-Poppin!

Jim Woodward| 8.14.11 @ 2:11PM

Ben,
A few ideas for you the next time you go east and head for the shore.
Take a long weekend and go to Berlin,stay at the Atlantic Hotel and meander around Virginias eastern shore. Start with a trip to Crisfield and take one of the tour boats out to Tangier or Smith Island. Two quaint communities that haven't much changed much in a hundred years.
Go out to Chincoteague. You might catch a rocket launch from Wallops Island.
Do go to Onancock, and Nassawadox, one on the Chesapeake the other the Atlantic. Swing through Eastville, just to see the old courthouse.
Of course there's Tasley, Painter, Parksley and other little gems before you get to Cape Charles.
A bucolic little trip will be in store for you.

Kookeburry| 8.26.11 @ 11:59AM

That photo!

When I saw it, Ben, I thought, "Heart attack coming!"

Have you lost all self restraint? Get ahold of yourself, and lay that cheeseburger down before it kills you.

As someone commented above, Bill Clinton is vegan and thin and handsome.

Let Bill set the example for you and all of you overweight AmSpec bleeders--make that "readers."

Maggie (be kind, folks)| 8.26.11 @ 1:33PM

Ben, some folks on here are being a little cruel.

I too was shocked at the photo, and I do hope these responses (though needlessly cruel) motivate you to lose about 50 lbs. And you'll feel so much better. I lost twenty pounds, and my energy has skyrocketed.

I'm also concerned that you're prone to a heart attack or stroke. You'll be in my prayers.

Arbuckle| 8.26.11 @ 3:48PM

Hey! I've got an idea!

Let's all get fat and die!

beebop| 8.27.11 @ 5:50PM

Maggie -- you are a saint!

And? Didn't the dog die? Is he moving her remains up and down? I am really confused.

Ann| 8.28.11 @ 8:17AM

Like you, beebop, I thought Bridget died months ago.

Strange.

Jim Woodward| 8.14.11 @ 2:49PM

Ben,
One further thought and then I'll leave this horse alone.
If you liked Blackwater, go a little east of Cambridge to Vienna and have someone direct you to the road to Elliots Island. The scenery is the shores marsh and wildlife to perfection. If you go in summer take some mosquito repellant or the locals favorite Avon Skin-so-Soft.

sinanju| 8.26.11 @ 1:05PM

By Jove, I've got it! Ben's travel/cuisine/history show could have Ben partnered with that no-goodnik stepson of his. While Ben played the sophisticated intellectual elitist aesthete, the young master could be shown seeking out the high-energy MTV/Jackass aspects of the bailiwick in question.

Jeamar37| 8.26.11 @ 3:24PM

Amen. I've scanned Ben's columns in AS since that child (I think he was adopted but who cares?) was a spoiled toddler right up until today. Ben's personal life is of as little interest as ever. At least he is now referred to as a "diarist."

Sammy frm Miami| 8.26.11 @ 3:47PM

Let's all line up at the All-You-Can-Eat Country Buffet!

Derek Tyler| 8.14.11 @ 4:18PM

Thank you for your well spoken observations and memories.

I particularly appreciate the description of you and your wife's prayer life. Your expression of gratitude and consistency is strengthening and inspiring.

Kenny| 8.26.11 @ 6:34AM

He's alright talking about dogs, flights, and hotels. but on taxes, the guy's lost it.

choochoozippy| 8.26.11 @ 9:37PM

"Lost it"? When it comes to weight, Ben most certainly has not "lost it."

Chalkdust| 8.26.11 @ 7:36AM

Dear Ben:
Regale us with stories about your new found liberal tendencies you've acquired, like tax increases. Did they occur while you were floating in your pool, or maybe you had a flash of insight while lugging your dog around.

Junius| 8.26.11 @ 12:28PM

Amen. On Mr. Stein's appearance with Laura Ingraham on the O'Reilly Factor he sounded like a wild eyed liberal on raising taxes. He needs to start writing for the Huffington Post.l

gearjammer| 8.26.11 @ 8:31AM

Your comments on Providence are fairly accurate. Although, after a bit they will be smoking or using more than pot in the villiage square. If, New Orleans is the big easy then Providence and most of Rhode Island is the little easy. It is a 100 per cent democrat stronghold and is proud to have sent the likes of the miscreant Shelly Whitehouse to the Senate. He is like you Ben, a big trial lawyer fan and big gov-big tax fan. Most people here are on some kind of guvmint assistance-they all got brainwashed by the FDR crowd and their parents-especially the mothers passed it down generation to generation. Our elected pols believe illegal immigrants and gays are the engines of our future. Just about every city or town is bankrupt or on the verge. Every day you wake up our media and guvmint folks and unions and all those special interest types scream "MORE MONEY MORE MONEY-WE NEED MORE MONEY". How do they believe the state will survive ? Just like you Ben they say TAX THE RICH ! They all sleep quite soundly, strangely enough. Me getting my house ready for sale. I grew up in the 50's and early 60's. It was an imperfect but so much better place then.

sinanju| 8.26.11 @ 12:53PM

Yup, the theory that having more people magically dilutes the deficit... no matter that currently 57 percent of ALL immigrants, legal and illegal are on some kind of public assistance. People who eat more taxes than they pay do not prosperity make.

Then the gays, that's part and parcel of Prof. Richard Florida's theory that having a lot of gays in your town will automatically bring sophistication and prosperity because we all know gays are well-to-do and artsy and c.

Sort of the way Wovoka believed standing in a circle, shuffling and chanting would bring back the buffalo, I guess.

Notary Sojac| 8.26.11 @ 8:32AM

Ben:

You are concerned "about the threats against me."

Really, why let this trouble you? Simply find a lovely young lady who will escort you to a car with a handsome and charming young driver to take you to the airport.

Then you can board a smooth, on time and comfortable flight with lovely and attentive stewardesses, which will take you to a faraway city.

In that city, just take another car with a handsome and charming driver to a safe and cozy retreat, with rich, influential and dazzlingly attractive friends.

That's what I always do when I'm feeling threatened.

Otto von Bismark| 8.26.11 @ 11:30AM

God has special providence for fools.

Purple Lips| 8.26.11 @ 9:26AM

Ben,
I saw your photo and for a second I thought it was Henry Kissenger! And speaking of old WH memories, I totally forgot about Ray Price. That must have been the worst job in the world - writing speeches for Nixon durng the dark days of 1974.

And to answer your question about the German soldiers. It was Field Marshal von Brauchtisch who reported this fact to Hilter in Oct 1939( the German Infantry in 1939 was inferior to 1914). One retired German officer (it might have been General von Hammerstein) thought otherwise. He said the German soldiers of the 1940s were superior to those of the Great War. But he said the soldiers of his generation never would have committed the autrocities of the Wehrmacht (the Belgians of Louvaine probably would have a bone to pick with him, however).

PCC| 8.26.11 @ 10:20AM

Dear Purple Lips,

Thanks for the factoids. Much appreciated.

Cheers.

PCC

Occam's Tool| 8.26.11 @ 1:12PM

Of course, the German infantry in 1939 was just getting warmed up. They inflicted casualties on the Western Allies at a rate of about 1.2 to 1, whether attacking or defending. Much higher against the Russians. Deadly bastards; deserved strategic bombing, which was also socially useful.

Bill Hussein O'Stalin| 8.26.11 @ 10:00AM

The Eastern Shore is a lovely spot.

Well, one day Ben, please share with us your views , not on history, but things that are happening now.

Let's hear how our society exists on fake equality where you are judged by the color of your skin or your gender, and it's all done under the arms of federal law.

Mimi| 8.26.11 @ 10:30AM

Ben as always a delightful piece of writing!
We are about to have a severe act of NATURE pay a visit to those lovely places you so beautifully wrote about ....We have endured enough destruction to this country in every way...NOW THIS WORRY from "IRENE"!
Last night I too prayed that she drifts suddenly off to the EAST! I beg all to say a Prayer...That all will be safe from harm.

Paul McGrath| 8.26.11 @ 11:37AM

Thanks for the great article Ben. I have been reading your articles for at least 25 years and have enjoyed every single one of them. (I remember you writing about when your son was born. He's now married. Wow.) Thanks again.

Occam's Tool| 8.26.11 @ 1:13PM

Sorry about Brigid, Ben.

You are still daft about taxes, though.

OLDRAY| 8.26.11 @ 1:47PM

Re German soldiers. The ones I fought in North Africa and Italy were for the most part excellent soldiers and cost our company many lives. Their country was rotten and there were many terrible army units and individuals. But there were many good also. In the appenines, i was off in a jeep to locate battalion rear as we were running low on fuel and tank shells (having smashes deep into the German rear) and when dark fell I pull to the roadside and climed up into a grape terrece to sleep. Woke in the cold 4 am to find about 30 or 40 German infantry sleeping around me. They were looking for someone to surrender to and found me sleeping . I explained that I had work to do and they'd have to find someone else. They were just tired of fighting as were we. Many other encounters that were decent and human. Some not so. One must judge the individual soldier fairly.

Jim Woodward| 8.26.11 @ 1:54PM

Intresting comments,

I started commenting on Bens visit to what we call the upper shore. Easton, in Talbot County, probably more retired millionaires then any other county in the entire country. Tried to direct him to the charm and people of the rest of the shore. Odd, no one on this site seems to know squat about this aspect of his article.

I tried to wake Ben up. So many comments are truly snarky and smarmy. His photos?? Good Lord.

Hope that Ben takes my pointers and gets off nillionaires row and visits the REAL shore.

Grzmlyk| 8.26.11 @ 4:31PM

Ben, why don't take up residence at the Huffington Post and leave conservatives alone?

I'd rather be waterboarded than read your insulin-shock inducing columns. And yes, I've posted a comment on this article without reading so much as a single word of it - my doctor told me that one more Ben Stein column might kill me.

By the way, I'm pretty broke these days. I could use my own bailout. I know you want more of your wealth to be redistributed by the Nanny State, so why the hell aren't you shoveling more of your money into its insatiable maw, huh, Ben?You're not paying your fair share, clearly, because your standard of living is WAY more luxurious than it needs to be. What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?

Consider yourself invited to be the guest of honor at the redistributionist party. Hell, look me up! I'll give you my address and we can eliminate the middle man!

Oh, wait - you're a Big Government "Conservative," I forgot - which means your little heart goes pitter-pat at the thought of evermore metastasizing bureaucracy. Just a few more cabnet-level departments devoted to eliminating poverty, and I'm sure we can achieve that elusive Socialist Utopia, right Ben?

The truth is, there's not a dime's worth of difference between you and your average ivory tower progressive. You are a limousine liberal, and it's time you admitted it.

So get OUT of here, Ben, and peddle your progressive pablum elsewhere.

Oh. And say "hi" to Michael Moore for me, will ya?

scythe| 8.26.11 @ 5:47PM

Awesome.

scythe| 8.26.11 @ 5:46PM

Hey Ben:

W. G. A. S.?

Dipesto| 8.26.11 @ 6:21PM

Interesting that Ben ate at Gladstone's; is there a Disraeli's restaurant somewhere? And then he ate at Clyde's; is there a Bonnie's somewhere? I think that the rebuilt in the 20s U. of Louvain was burned again by the Germans in '40.

Sammie| 8.26.11 @ 7:09PM

Wow! Lots of turds among the posters this time. Ben is an OK guy. Ease up. Also have it in 'ya you hosers.

Grzmlyk| 8.27.11 @ 2:20AM

Ben's an ok guy? Really? If by "ok guy" you mean abject, vanity-seeking schmuck, I agree with you. Ben needs to put his money where his mouth is or shut the hell up. PERIOD.

He's a fucking phony, through and through.

Chalkdust| 8.27.11 @ 8:09AM

Hey Sammie....been asleep long? Years ago I too thought old Ben was a harmless schmuck. A useful idiot as the Soviets used to say. But lately (year or two) he's just become a pain in the a$$.

beebop| 8.27.11 @ 6:02PM

Yep. As far as posers go, he's a peach.

Do you wonder who is threatening Ben? Maybe the drivers, pretty girls and/or his waistline?

THOMAS| 8.26.11 @ 9:54PM

Why does Ben Stein write this stuff.
Who cares about his diary.

Sammie| 8.27.11 @ 12:45PM

Grzmlyk and Chalkdust, I can only say once again, have it in 'ya.

mike| 8.27.11 @ 2:47PM

Perhaps you should give up the cheeseburgers and the and the and the and the and the and the
http://www.wholesalesunglassesbrands.com

mike| 8.27.11 @ 2:47PM

Many other encounters that were decent and human. Some not so. One must judge the individual soldier fairly.
http://www.topbrandsbags.com

beebop| 8.27.11 @ 7:04PM

A corpulent, elegantly dressed opera singer came out and sang, and we knew it was over.

(couldn't resist!)

lily| 8.28.11 @ 7:10AM

Why does Ben Stein write this stuff.
Who cares about his diary.I am a 28 years old doctor, mature and beautiful.and now I am seeking a good man who can give me real love , so i got a username Lindasunny2002 on--a'ge'l'es's'da'te.c óm--.it is the first and best club for y'ounger women and old'er men, or older women and y'ounger men,to int'eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch'eck 'it out or tell your friends!

DANSHANTEAL| 8.28.11 @ 1:46PM

YOUR ARTICLE IS LIKE A HOMILY. AND YOU'RE RIGHT, WE HAVE A SPIRITUAL SIDE TO US THAT NOT EVERYONE PLUGS INTO.

anthropology 101| 8.28.11 @ 3:11PM

I have a wonderful idea for Ben that he has probably been too busy traveling and enjoying his many residences to think of himself.

He is grateful to the military for protecting his way of life.

How better to express his gratitude than to open his home in Idaho and the one in Malibu as vacation retreats for homecoming veterans of the hideous war they have been fighting to defend Ben's standard of living.

C'mon, Ben. Talk's cheap.

marshcope| 8.29.11 @ 10:22PM

Since Ben has a house in Idaho, maybe he could write a bit in his diary some time about that other famous Idaho native Ezra Pound--who may have been a great poet, but went totally Nazi-lover in the 30s and 40s, and ended up in an American prison camp in Italy, sitting in an iron cage. Ben, if you read these comments at TAS write something for us about Ezra Pound, just for our education.