The American Spectator : My Day in Food Court

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My Day in Food Court

By Gerald Nachman on 8.19.11 @ 6:08AM

Our man in San Francisco offers a taste of the near future.

I’ve always considered myself a law-abiding citizen who plays by the rules, so imagine my shock when I was subpoenaed to appear before a grand jury for various culinary crimes. The full transcript appears below:

District Attorney: Mr. Nachman, you may wonder why we’ve called you here today…

GN: I had no idea there was such a thing as a federal food crime.

DA: Let me remind you that ignorance of foodie law is no excuse.

GN: I know, but… well, what have I done that warrants being hauled in here?

DA: We’ve been made aware of several transgressions — not just minor misdemeanors and infractions but serious culinary crimes, and we’d like you to explain them if you can.

GN: I’m happy to cooperate. What would you like to know?

DA: Well, let’s begin with some major offenses and work our way down. On the night of March 26th, 2009, at Charley’s Diner, you ordered a roast chicken with penne that was not a registered cage-free organically fed fowl. Are you aware of that?

GN: No, I’m not.

DA: Did you bother to ask your waiter how, when and where said chicken was raised?

GN: It never occurred to me.

DA: Oh, so it never occurred to you! And why didn’t it? Did you not read the menu at Charley’s and notice that it fails to state that all their ingredients are sustainable?

GN: I regret to say I probably did not.

DA: I see. And it did it not even occur to you to ask to see the chicken’s birth certificate and to inquire into its early background — to learn on what ranch it was born and raised, its heritage, the name of the bird’s parents, what it was fed and how it met its end?

GN: I’m afraid I did not. All I know is it was a delicious roast chicken with penne.

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About the Author

Gerald Nachman is a writer in San Francisco and most recently the author of Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America (University of California Press).

Letter to the Editor View all comments (60) | Leave a comment Leave a comment

Mike Hawk| 8.19.11 @ 6:38AM

Life in Obamaville is like this. Moochelle is the Foodie Chief of Police.

massmile | 8.19.11 @ 12:54PM

Just last Monday a real gem popped into my hands---“Spontaneous Healing”, by Andrew Weil, M.D., from 1995. Can it really be ALREADY 16 years since this was a New York Times best seller?
I am a 26 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on---a'ge'l'es's'da'te. C óM---it is the first and best club for y'ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,to int'eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch'eck it out or tell your friends.

James Solbakken | 8.19.11 @ 3:36PM

Screw you, you spaminating piece of fetid dreck.

Alan Brooks| 8.19.11 @ 8:29PM

The French dig their graves with their teeth- so in that sense McDonalds fare is no sin.

Clint| 8.20.11 @ 11:42AM

Quit Fake Posting Under My Name Brooks.

Bill Lannon| 8.19.11 @ 7:33AM

Somehow the GBS title "Too True to be Good" ought to be apropos - not quite sure how, but it just seems right.

martin j smith| 8.19.11 @ 7:47AM

If you are referring to San Fransisco I would offer one not very helpful idea which I am sure you have already contemplated. GET OUT.

Alan Brooks| 8.19.11 @ 8:30PM

What do you think of Florida's gerontocracy?

Alan Brooks| 8.19.11 @ 8:31PM

bumper sticker:

"I'm Old And I Vote"

Clint| 8.20.11 @ 11:44AM

Stop Fake Posting Under My Name Brooks.

Clint| 8.20.11 @ 11:45AM

Don't Fake Post Under My Name Again Brooks.

career soldier| 8.19.11 @ 7:49AM

"I enjoyed this article, and hope Ben Stein will read it for hints on how to write about a successful business in flyover country without congratulating himself on how much more successful he personally is than his subject -- or us."

Pecos Pete| 8.19.11 @ 8:01AM

The author forgot to mention Gross Body Weight (GBW) measurement. The Food Court may very well transfer his case to the Health Court where his GBW may prevent him from receiving any form of health care under the sole provider of health care pursuant to ObamaCare.

Lullabys, Legends and Lies| 8.19.11 @ 8:18AM

Did you to ask to see the chicken's birth certificate? Ha!! That's a good one, but you know this is coming to a Looney Leftwing City near you!! Soon they'll expect you to see the chicken's B.C. within the time it takes to place your order, but don't you dare ask to see the B.C. of the guy in charge, because you'd starve to death before you'd get the chance to see that one. Chicken B.C. good, Boss B.C. bad!!

And don't you even think about putting some salt on that chicken, they'll shoot you in the head right where you sit!! Did you ask me to pass the salt? Boom!!

I just saved you from having a heart attack!!

Moe Blotz| 8.19.11 @ 8:37AM

Why 18 January 2012 for the Food Court session?

Con Chef (NB) | 8.19.11 @ 8:41AM

I'd just like to go on record as a burnt out ex-chef & foodie myself:

First off, free range organic chicken is pretty good, but NOT so good that its worth the difference in price from the regular ole chicken one gets in the case at the store.

Most grocery stores these days DO feature a section of their stores for locally sourced produce. And on most local farms, they DO use "sustainable" methods. Hell, here in Pittsburgh, one of my former chefs has his own pasta company that he runs out of his basement. EVERY halfway decent place in town buys his stuff & the grocery store sells it (google Fede Pasta).

Grass fed beef tastes like SHAT. Period. End of discussion. No foodie worth their Kosher salt would eat it. I WOULD agree that wild caught salmon DOES taste better because farmed fish have flesh that is bruised by the floating nets. I don't care about the fish's "feelings," I just want it to taste good.

Like everything else, liberals have given even beeing a "foodie" (I prefer epicurean) a bad name. Thanks a lot, douchebags. Oh, & if Ms. Obama should read this, I wanna die with a prime strip steak, rare to mid rare in one hand & a order of fries fried in duck fat & dipped in aioli.

Mike Hawk| 8.19.11 @ 9:59AM

Moochelle will take the fries, thank you. Those are reserved for her, not the rest of is pee-ons. (a little levity there for us gringos)

Con Chef (NB) | 8.19.11 @ 10:18AM

I'll fight her for 'em. NO ONE'S gonna take my duck fat fries!!!!

ChefM| 8.19.11 @ 12:33PM

I'll back you on that one Con Chef.

RedMindBlueState| 8.19.11 @ 7:05PM

Amen on the duck fat, Con Chef. Duck fat roasted potatoes...Mmmmm.....

irish19| 8.19.11 @ 12:00PM

Aioli on fries??!! The duck fat sounds pretty yummy, although bacon drippings would be even more so if they can stand the temperature.

Con Chef (NB) | 8.19.11 @ 12:38PM

Its AWESOME! TRUST me. Just try it once. You'll be hooked!

Merlin| 8.20.11 @ 2:15AM

Now you are going to be responsible for putting ducks on the endangered species list. How is Starling fat for fries? If it is good, it would be killing two birds (four?) with one stone.

Petronius| 8.19.11 @ 9:30AM

With the economy in a strangle hold and the under ground economy moving up, Mr. Nachman should open a snackeasy across the bridge. He's gonna need more than one lawyer. It's a good thing he didn't smuggle in any charcoal briquettes for a Sunday Que even if he has the permit to purchase the pork steaks, completed cardiac counseling and the waiting period. If he wants to go all the way and have local mobs demanding his head on a pike, he should picnic in a public park dining on venison he shot himself with wild rice and corn on the cob washed down with the nectar of Pestalozi St. Bon apatite.

Hillel| 8.19.11 @ 11:16AM

Back in the Fifties,Al Capp(creator of Lil Abner) had a parody detective FEARLESS FOSDICK. In one episode a crook had poisoned a can of beans. To save the citizens baked beans were outlawed. Anyone opening a can was shot by Fosdick. People went to beaneasies where under cover of a sirloin they could eat BEANS. By golly we're almost there.

Butch | 8.19.11 @ 3:32PM

Well, I'm coming in on that one, Hillel. I loved Fearless Fosdick (Li'l Abner's favorite comic strip). Fearless was a send-up of Dick Tracy. Al Capp predicted the ultimate outcome of a lot of liberalism. Our newspaper reran Li'l Abner in the Sunday Funnies while my Rush-baby daughters were in high school. They both loved it! Did you know Al Capp was a liberal who converted? Not many of them, but they often make good conservatives.

Who Knows?| 8.19.11 @ 11:38AM

Conventional humor about diet is, itself, not BODILY funny, because people who are unconsciously sticking tasty “foods” into their mouths, which are KNOWN by science to lead to sickness and death, get it in the end---usually, literally!

It’s simply amazing to me, at the age of 69, when I should ALREADY know better, that Americans continue to get fatter and fatter, AND revel in their “tasty” suicidal habits.

I regularly peruse the “free books” section of the library bookstore, and grab all of them that have to do with diet and food and eating. It’s astounding, to me, how many best sellers, over the years, have come and gone, and still the grossness of Americans gets—more gross!

Verily, cognitive dissonance doesn’t even begin to explain this. Why, most of the people who bought these books should have just saved their money and spent it instead on a good steak dinner, since the WORDS didn’t change anything!

Just last Monday a real gem popped into my hands---“Spontaneous Healing”, by Andrew Weil, M.D., from 1995. Can it really be ALREADY 16 years since this was a New York Times best seller?

Essentially, humans choose to either eat to live, or live to eat.

Any question about which group is larger?

What we have devolved into is a growing cult of adherents to the ALIMENTARY TRACT club. Yes, from mouth to anus, such people are basically dominated by this gross food “machine”, with all other bodily structures and functions very secondary; indeed, the slaves of it!

Eat hearty, my friends!

Seek| 8.19.11 @ 12:55PM

Unfortunately, the people buying the diet books aren't necessarily the ones going on a diet. Or if they do, they lack will power. Oprah Winfrey is in good company.

Willy| 8.19.11 @ 5:41PM

Fortunately, in this country citizens are free to eat or not eat whatever they choose without statist nannies choosing for them. I am sick of the government, and their media friends, continuing to tell us what is good for us. Some people make bad choices. So what. It doesn't mean that we have to fund a new program for overindulgers in escargot. The founders would be ashamed of what we have become. Our elected officials need to remember that they work for us. They are not the school principal. Enough, already!

ChefM| 8.19.11 @ 12:31PM

I have to agree on two issues. One, Organic, and or free range, may be better in some ways, but to put my two points together, the story above could be about an Obama voter not knowing who he was before casting a vote, and as for free range organic, the economy is such in the tank thanks to the spending habits of the person no one really knew, that those prices are so out of reach for a normal family dinner, it would be cheaper to go out to a fancy restaurant and leave the dishes to someone else.

reads1| 8.19.11 @ 1:19PM

Amusing, and a look into the Progressive USA future.

Herb| 8.19.11 @ 1:34PM

I never suspected San Franciscans were discerning about what they stuck into their mouths. Cigars exempted, of course.

Senior Chief| 8.19.11 @ 2:44PM

Herb, You're vewy vewy bad. (And funny!)

Mike Hawk| 8.19.11 @ 5:53PM

It is not just their mouths.

John II| 8.19.11 @ 2:46PM

As part of the American Left's program of controlling thought, suppressing free speech and thus acquiring a proper Canadian-like Euro-chic, Professor Obama signed the so-called Hate Crimes Bill into law. Under this law, a minister or priest or rabbi citing references in Scripture that condemn homosexual behavior may be prosecuted for "incitement to hatred."

One may presume, however, that an exemption will be extended to any mullah declaiming against homosexuals per se--although one should also expect that any public reference by a Christian or a Jew to the delicate topic of Islamic hostility and violence against homosexuals would itself be deemed by the Justice Department to be an anti-Muslim hate-crime.

And now back to "Disorder in the Court" (1936), among the very best of the Three Stooges shorts, in which Moe, Larry, and Curly anticipate the mind-set of the progressive legal-eagle. As Curly aptly remarks in a signature five-part cadence: "WOO--woo--woo--woo--woo . . ."

Butch | 8.19.11 @ 3:38PM

Don'cha hate it when a Stooges comes on and it's got Shemp in it?

John II| 8.19.11 @ 7:53PM

Yes, but not entirely. Shemp rejoined the Stooges (after striking out on his own in the very early 1930's, when he was replaced by his younger brother Curly) in 1947, when Curly had suffered a stroke. The idea was to stand in for Curly until the latter was up to his old role, but Curly never recovered.

It's true that, with some exceptions (e.g., "Malice in the Palace"), Shemp was a weak replacement for Curly, who had brought a distinctive energy to the trio. But Shemp was great in his solo support roles scattered among a few dozen flicks of the 30's and 40's--of which my favorite was his role as the understated pied-piper-like bartender in the W.C. Fields vehicle "The Bank Dick" (1940).

In one scene, Fields is plotting to distract a visiting bank examiner (played by the incomparable Franklin Pangborn) for a few days until an irregularity in the bank records is smoothed over. Fields seats the examiner at a table in the bar and saunters over to the bar to enlist the aid of the bartender (Shemp).

Fields [glancing over his shoulder at the examiner]: "Has . . . uh . . . Michael Finn been around here today?"

Shemp [following Fields's glance and then looking back at Fields]: "No. But he's going to be."

And now back to . . . well, to "The Bank Dick."

dw| 8.19.11 @ 4:31PM

Why do we even give people like this a hearing...save the time and money and send him to the gulag immediately. Put him on artisian bread and natural spring water.

Gretchen| 8.20.11 @ 7:46PM

Bread and water was a punishment in the Royal Navy, prisons, etc. -- because it causes painful constipation.

dw| 8.19.11 @ 4:37PM

"By the way, Mr. Nachman, you also have a warrant to appear in the Global Warming and Enviormental Violations Court down the hall.
If you think we're tough wait till you deal with those folks."

Petronius| 8.19.11 @ 5:21PM

If the Gaiastapo comes after me, it'll be suicide Bomb time. I'll scarf White Castles, refried beans, buffalo wings, my mom's German potato salad, a peanut butter bagel and a pitcher of Bud Select. I figure to take as many of "them" with me as I can.

Pat| 8.19.11 @ 5:40PM

Cram a couple hundred thousand adult Liberals and their 0.49 kids into a small, windy, hilly peninsula and what do you expect? San Franciscans are proudly insular within their Big Commune by the Bay and strange ideas are quickly embraced and eventually find their way into law through an equally strange and bizarre process.

Secretly envious of their East Coast betters, San Francisco’s residents try to behave as they believe Manhattanites would behave – residents of the upper West Side hate going to Jersey, Pacific Heights’ residents are proud they never go to Oakland. Plus, it’s actually safer to keep off the east side of the Bay Bridge, their religion tells them to love the downtrodden masses in Oakland but they’d rather not get beaten up.

And when it comes to great food, San Francisco is way over rated. Although situated on the shores of the Pacific, the seafood comes in a greater variety and actually tastes better in Omaha. Plus, it isn’t the food per se, it’s how much you paid for it. Parking: $15 per half hour, Menu choices: Boring, Portion sizes: Miniscule, Prices: Ridiculous, Reminding all your friends you waited in line an hour and a half to eat at Chez Alphonso: Priceless.

Or, bragging that you only eat at the local “in place” rather than the national chain restaurants. For instance, the coffee at Peets isn’t better than Starbucks but this local icon caters to a far more exclusive clientele and their baristas are much more snootty – warning: never use the Starbucks’ term “Grande” when ordering at Peets, not only will your grammar be rudely corrected but they’ll attempt to overcharge you as well. So, trudge on down to Whole Foods or, better yet, the Farmers Market for your organically grown radicchio – although there isn’t an actual Farmers Market farm within 50 miles of San Francisco – you’ll be a poorer – but a more enlightened person for the experience.

Westcoaster| 8.19.11 @ 10:40PM

@ Pat:
Spot on all topics BUT Peet's. Their coffee may not taste any better, come from better farms or be served better, but you do actually get more shots (by actual count) in Peet's than Starbucks when you get a med. or large 'flavored' coffee.
And I really do think that their beans taste better and are cheaper, too.

Tex Expatriate| 8.19.11 @ 6:18PM

I was very interested in this essay because, as a sideline to our (her and my) other two jobs, we tend an organic market garden of 1-acre and go to two farmer's markets. We are "organic" because it is the best and cheapest way to grow things, not because it is "green" or cool, and we have been organic in that way, oh, since 1975. So we have some experience at it.

But to the point: at the farmer's markets the great word is sustainable, but rarely can anyone tell me exactly what it means. How can a chicken be sustainable if, after harvesting its eggs, you eventually eat it or a coyote eats it instead of you? That it ran free and happy a few hours a day, did that make it sustainable? Perhaps if it sustains the coyote that catches it out on its free-range, it is sustainable, but why is not sustainable if it sustains me? How are bouquets of flowers sustainable if they die after you cut them and arrange them for sale? How are eggs, beef, lamb, pork, tomatoes, peppers, etc., sustainable when they are consumed by human beings. (Sometimes we harvest the seeds of true-seed or Heirloom tomatoes for replanting, and I can see where that might be called sustainable farming, but we don't do that a whole lot. It's too troublesome.)

I admit I am at a loss about sustainability. We profess only to use organic methods. We don't claim to be be sustainable farmers because we don't know what it means and it doesn't look like we're going to live much longer anyway, so we're not sustainable ourselves. My epitaph might read: Tex, Tried to Be Sustainable, But See Where He Ended Up. That is, it would providing I tried to be something I don't understand anyhow.

John II| 8.19.11 @ 7:29PM

The entire Spring 2010 (Vol. 23, No. 1) issue of "Academic Questions" (a publication of the National Association of Scholars) is devoted to the "sustainability" movement, which emerged about a decade ago from the fringes of environmentalism.

Bottom line regarding this ideological bucket without a bottom: the sustainability agenda, especially in the education establishment, is smug, propagandistic, and motivated by envy, status seeking, and financial gain--especially within the less distinguished institutions, where it seems to carry more influence among dimmer bulbs.

The hundreds of definitions of "sustainability" cranked out by its nitwit advocates over the past few years cannot withstand analytical scrutiny.
Which of course is of zero interest to the nitwits.

So the only response with the slightest chance of doing in the hellish lefty fraud of "sustainability" is sustained mockery.

Go for it, Tex, and thanks.

And now back to "The Bank Dick" (1940), a great W.C. Fields rumination on hucksterism.

bluecollarbytes| 8.19.11 @ 7:05PM

What's needed is some 'international leadership' on the important world-issue of food.
Euro bureaucrats have already come up with viable alternatives to unsustainable stuff like meats and large scale veggie production. Earth worms and various incests are protein-rich, not to mention easily obtainable by the growing number of poor folks. It may be possible one day to produce lab-meat-like substances on a scale large enough to free our focus- committing resources to the fight against changes in temperatures.

Mike Hawk| 8.20.11 @ 7:09PM

I percieve you are a visitor from another dimension. What is protein rich incest?? Here it means something undesirable and criminal. What do they live on where you come from. I'd bet you never had good BBQ. You should try it sometime.

heredress | 8.22.11 @ 5:51AM

BBQ is funny,however, not healthy for body

marshcope| 8.19.11 @ 8:44PM

Re the status of coffee boutiques, several years ago there was a coffee devotee who wrote stuff in various lifestyle mags I was reading at the time, and his theme was that the only guy on earth who knew how to make coffee the Right Way, and that was Alberto in Rome. Alberto used perfectly roasted espresso beans from a finca in Costa Rica, ground perfectly, and made with the perfect wire filter and with the water heated to the perfect temp just below boiling, and the machine had just the perfect pressure. And the coffee was served in cups made with the perfect clay kilned at the perfect temp. I could never get to Rome to drink at Alberto's little shoppe, and I still feel meaningless while swigging a perked paper cup of Robusto from my local doller tree.

doolittle| 8.20.11 @ 11:05AM

I guess that a million years ago..in the 30s and 40s, we were organic farmers..my uncle brought a load of cow manure down and it got spread on the garden by a neighbor with a team of mules to plow it in...and then my father used a lead based spray to kill the bugs on the green beans. well, isn't lead a natural substance?

POST American| 8.21.11 @ 12:39AM

-----NOTICE from the capstone which saturates
our enviornment and packaging with the feces
of the pretro industry --plastics
AND is diddling with the genetic code of the
planet, and saturating the food table with
organ destroying, inter-generational sterilizing
GM food -----the inescapable mantra of

-----------'SSSSS---US----STAIN----ABILITY'

Lullabys, Legends and Lies| 8.21.11 @ 8:38AM

Post-A: Yeah, I noticed that too!! And it tastes just like chicken!!

Dan Mathewson| 8.21.11 @ 3:26PM

mmm...chicken. Fried? Fricasseed? Baked? Pulled?

thethinice | 8.21.11 @ 11:53PM

Amusing commentary. Want to read the real story on the New Deal oppression during the FDR reign. See Schechter Poultry Corp v United States in 1935. You can find it on Wikipedia or elsewhere.

Atlanta Hawks | 8.21.11 @ 11:54PM

is good

POST American| 8.22.11 @ 3:59AM

------------------BOTTOMLESS LINE------------------

'SSSSSSS------US-----stain------ability'

----Keep ingesting that programming
from the capstone 'benny factors'
kiddies

----------Just keep a goin'.

---------------TV n' wampum n' franchise slums

-------------------Just keep a goin'

Triana | 8.22.11 @ 4:34AM

hem ... i think is good :D

http://healthoutside.blogspot.com

Farhan | 8.23.11 @ 7:16AM

nice article

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