Our man in San Francisco offers a taste of the near future.
I’ve always considered myself a law-abiding citizen who plays by the rules, so imagine my shock when I was subpoenaed to appear before a grand jury for various culinary crimes. The full transcript appears below:
District Attorney: Mr. Nachman, you may wonder why we’ve called you here today…
GN: I had no idea there was such a thing as a federal food crime.
DA: Let me remind you that ignorance of foodie law is no excuse.
GN: I know, but… well, what have I done that warrants being hauled in here?
DA: We’ve been made aware of several transgressions — not just minor misdemeanors and infractions but serious culinary crimes, and we’d like you to explain them if you can.
GN: I’m happy to cooperate. What would you like to know?
DA: Well, let’s begin with some major offenses and work our way down. On the night of March 26th, 2009, at Charley’s Diner, you ordered a roast chicken with penne that was not a registered cage-free organically fed fowl. Are you aware of that?
GN: No, I’m not.
DA: Did you bother to ask your waiter how, when and where said chicken was raised?
GN: It never occurred to me.
DA: Oh, so it never occurred to you! And why didn’t it? Did you not read the menu at Charley’s and notice that it fails to state that all their ingredients are sustainable?
GN: I regret to say I probably did not.
DA: I see. And it did it not even occur to you to ask to see the chicken’s birth certificate and to inquire into its early background — to learn on what ranch it was born and raised, its heritage, the name of the bird’s parents, what it was fed and how it met its end?
GN: I’m afraid I did not. All I know is it was a delicious roast chicken with penne.