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Ben Stein's Diary
The Hostess With The Mostest
The catastrophe of losing Barbara Duke.
Friday Morning
Early
Catastrophe. As I was racing down
Beverly Boulevard to Fox to appear on Cavuto on Business,
my phone rang in the car. It was a Dallas number. I answered
it.
“Ben,” said a woman’s voice. “It’s Judy.”
That meant Judy Duke, the lovely daughter of our dear friend, Barbara Duke. Before I could say anything, Judy said, “I just wanted you to know that mother died this morning.”
That’s the catastrophe. Barbara Duke is, was, one of the women that my wife and I looked up to, loved, adored, gloried in, beyond almost anyone else on this earth.
She was about 84 and she had been extremely ill with cancer, but we thought she had a few more months. Now, she’s gone.
“Mother just was talking to my daughter this morning,” Judy said, “and she said she wanted to sleep, and she never woke up.”
Good way to go, I would say.
Now, let me tell you about Barbara Duke. I only knew her for about six years. I met her when I was speaking at Midland College in Midland, Texas in 2005, right after we bought our home in Rancho Mirage. She was at a reception at the Midland Racquet Club and she called out to me, “Hey, y’all. Your father in law was the handsomest man I ever saw in my whole life.”
She was a beautiful woman with bright blue eyes and a confident smile. She had grown up in Prescott, Arkansas, right next to where my wife’s father’s family, the Denmans, lived during the Great Depression and World War II. She introduced herself, told about how handsome my father in law, Dale Denman, Jr., looked in his USMA uniform and then his Army uniform, and then somehow it came up that she lived in Indian Wells, California at Eldorado Country Club in the winter. That’s only about twenty minutes or so from our club, Morningside, in Rancho Mirage, so I told her we would get together.
Sure enough, we did. We spent every Thanksgiving with her and her friends, mostly very cheery pals from Midland, and had many dinners with her and those same pals at the dining room at Eldorado.
To say she was a great hostess was an understatement. She was warm, welcoming, a super cook, a great one for jokes, and fiercely loyal. To go to her parties was to be in a room of cheerful, upbeat, good-natured men and women who seemed to have the world licked.
Our son came out for Thanksgiving, sat with the card-playing, football-watching men at Barbara’s house, and was a happy young man. Everyone around Barbara seemed happy.
A few years ago, Barbara decided that it was time for my wife and her and Judy to visit their roots in Prescott. It was too much to drive, so she chartered a jet. They moseyed around the DeAnn Cemetery in Prescott, and laughed and drank, and it went into the history books.
I can see I am not putting my finger on just how zestful Barbara was, but maybe some of you are old enough to remember Call Me Madame, the great musical about Perle Mesta, the famous Washington, D.C. social whiz in the Truman and Eisenhower years. She was called “The Hostess With The Mostest” and that was Barbara. With those haunting blue eyes and her endlessly calling out, “Hey, y’all, we still have two more courses to go.” Or doing the Razorback cheer, “Sooo-eee, pig, pig, pig.” But loudly. She meant it.
Barbara was a widow. Her lifelong (almost) husband, Bob Duke, a major player in the mud business and then in oil, had died in 2002. The only time Babs looked sad was when Duke’s name came up, and then she would reflexively cry.
About the Author
Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes “Ben Stein’s Diary” for every issue of The American Spectator.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (47) | Leave a comment
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u p i| 7.20.11 @ 7:12AM
uh huh
Fran| 7.20.11 @ 7:26AM
Indubitably.
Eric| 7.20.11 @ 7:28AM
And so forth and so on . . .
Alan Brooks| 7.20.11 @ 9:39PM
Wellllll, Ben is a friend of the boys at AS.
Tired Taxpayer PRM| 7.20.11 @ 8:05AM
Do you actually pay him for this???
The Bishop| 7.20.11 @ 8:06AM
Cut Ben some slack. Those of us in our 60s and older have come to the point in our lives where we realize that this life is fleeting and temporary and that the most important things in life are family and friends. The loss of loved ones (both human and pet) is a universal experience and to be able to express that loss very much needed. May Mrs. Duke find her rest!
Marcus Bachman| 7.20.11 @ 11:00AM
Ben,
I don't know when I've shed more tears. I am now clutching a tissue as I write this.
Before I married Michele, I had a friend named Babs, and she let me shop for all of her clothes. No woman was more elegant, and she was a "hostess with the mostest" also. Oh, how I miss her and her beautiful clothes.
LeftCoastRightBrain| 7.20.11 @ 12:59PM
Troll.
Charles Curran| 7.20.11 @ 2:04PM
Mr. Bachman. Hang in there. Don't let them know they are getting to yah.
Marcus's Good Taste| 7.20.11 @ 5:01PM
In Women's Clothes
From a 2006 Star Tribune article about the then-Congresswoman-elect's "haute" style:
Shopping help comes from another quarter, as well. Before Vice President Dick Cheney's visit this past summer, Bachmann's husband, Marcus, hit the stores -- "he's got a good sense of style" -- and came home with "a sleek, simple hourglass dress with a yoke collar in winter white." He even bought a matching coat and shoes. "I just slipped it on."
RCV| 7.20.11 @ 5:48PM
LOL
Gretchen| 7.20.11 @ 8:27PM
AMEN!
Gretchen| 7.20.11 @ 8:31PM
The "AMEN!" was in response to The Bishop @ 8:06 a.m., and not to any of the subsequest postings.
Nolan Charpinteier| 7.22.11 @ 3:56PM
Anyone who cannot appreciate the beauty of Mr. Stein's tribute to Mrs. Duke is a pathetic, envious, jealous loser who cannot stand the fact that Ben Stein actually has made something of his life, has a career, is famous, has a few bucks, and can write. The American Spectator believes that even those knuckleheads challenged by crippling envy should be heard from. It is a form of therapy.
sara j| 7.20.11 @ 8:28AM
Oh Ben, this was such a beautiful tribute, it made me cry for your sorrow. I would love to have known her, my husband is from Lubbock and I agree there is nothing else like West Texas hospitality. Thank you for sharing this.....we need to read more than just ugly politics all the time or else we will lose touch with reality. Take care.
Ruth Patterson| 7.22.11 @ 3:59PM
I couldn't agree more with sara j. The article was moving, indeed. It is rare to see such an honest, humble portrait of a true lady in today's fame hungry society. Ben Stein is a rare gentleman and should be applauded for his sincerity.
Bob K.| 7.20.11 @ 9:28AM
Ben,
You are a professional writer. You should know how to write a remembrance; an obituary for a friend.
This is too much about you. Such words: catastrophe, disaster!
Come On| 7.20.11 @ 3:31PM
Perhaps you missed that this is "Ben's Diary" and not an obituary.
Capt. George Melloan| 7.22.11 @ 4:05PM
As another reader said, it is Ben Stein's Diary! If you cannot stomach an affectionate, emotive, heart-rending piece of writing, than read US Weekly for your dose of callous garbage!
Doug| 7.20.11 @ 10:10AM
Ben,
It has been my observation at the ripe old age of 59 that one of life's most difficult and important lessons is what I'd call, "The Great Letting Go." It seems as we move through life this becomes more pronounced as more and more of those we love and cherish are no longer available to call, play cribbage or laugh at a corny joke with.
I think that if one is wise they will relize that while they muct learn to let go that this must be replaced with the ability to trust something larger than themselves. Sadly, too few people have cultivated something larger than themselves during their all-t00-brief stay in this sleep we call life.
Bem, I pray for you that during your Great letting Go that you find comfort in knowing that God has a hold of you more strongly that you can imagine.
Look to Him, His Son and those who love you without cause and you will find Barbara all around you.
mary levine| 7.21.11 @ 7:51AM
Thank you, Doug. Nice insight and appropriate for me at this time in my life. I just lost a dear friend 1 month ago, today. Mary
Gary B| 7.20.11 @ 10:40AM
Two things...
First, he's right. As you get older, it gets tougher losing friends and, second, if you don't like reading Mr. Stein's columns, don't tune in. I mean, really, why put yourself through the agony?
IMKessel| 7.20.11 @ 11:52AM
May God rest Mrs. Dukes. May you find comfort with Him in your hours of need.
Fred Campbell| 7.20.11 @ 12:01PM
First: Thank you, American Spectator, for featuring this wonderful man. He has a profound way of reminding us of eternity's values.
Ben: Please continue to remind us of the truly important things in life, our family, our friends and our God.
May God bless and keep you and your loved ones.
Jaquelyn Brannen| 7.22.11 @ 4:10PM
Mr Campbell is so right - The American Spectator is an invaluable publication with core values which are painfully absent in today's media. A coulumn with an actual heart? Something poignant and compassionate and personal is nearly extinct in 2011. I applaud Mr Stein's honesty and sensitivity and even though I have only had the pleasure of meeting him briefly, he is the kind of friend anyone should be blessed to have. Mrs. Duke, rest in peace.
Deborah| 7.20.11 @ 12:05PM
Barbara Duke sounds like the perfect friend. What a terrific lady she must have been, and I am sorry for your loss.
wally| 7.20.11 @ 12:52PM
Barbara Duke, RIP. Sounds like a real stand up gal. God Bless Ben Stein.
LeftCoastRightBrain| 7.20.11 @ 1:38PM
Nice piece, Mr. Stein.
Ms. Duke seems like a great person and it's clear you felt honored to have know her.
Be well.
mzk| 7.20.11 @ 2:30PM
What the heck is wrong with some of you? If you don't like Ben Stein, don't click on it! AmSpec has never been one-dimensional; I suppose you are.
Inventor| 7.20.11 @ 2:35PM
I never knew Mrs Duke, but I like her thanks to you Ben.
If you live long enough, you might just know something. Now, thanks to Ben, I now know something important.
suzec| 7.20.11 @ 3:07PM
Allow yourself to grieve....and know that you will see her again. She's with the Lord now and in no pain...probably hostessing the mostessing there...meanwhile....be blessed for having had her while you did.
Beverly| 7.20.11 @ 3:37PM
Mr. Stein, I am sorry for your loss of a very special friend. And, thank you for telling us about her. You are a very sweet man.
Scrapette Jones | 7.20.11 @ 4:38PM
My condolences, Ben. I loved your mentions of the Arkansas memories of Mrs. Duke and your wife. My dad grew up in Conway and had kinfolk in Arkadelphia. I'll have to ask him if he knew any Denmans.
Susan| 7.20.11 @ 5:27PM
Thank you, Mr. Stein, for a beautiful tribute to a grand lady. It was a welcome relief from politics... and a refreshing reminder that the world is still a magical place.
Quartermaster| 7.20.11 @ 6:25PM
I despise TSA. They are morons doing little to nothing except making flying inconvenient. Now they Xray people. I get enough radiation from the stuff I need for medical purposes.
Enough TSA already! I've just taken my last flight on the airlines until they do away that useless alphabet agency.
John Wilson | 7.20.11 @ 10:38PM
Ben:
Thank you. As we get older and lose these magnificent friends that defined "class", making our lives special, it is wonderful to see them recognized. Wonderful memory!
Regards
weddingdresses | 7.21.11 @ 5:56AM
good
mary levine| 7.21.11 @ 7:53AM
Ben, It was just beautiful. She was blessed to have you as a friend and she knew it!
Ben Snyder| 7.21.11 @ 11:52AM
Ben- You have a wonderful way of writing about things which are touching, and it touches all readers, people who don't know you or the individual (or doggy) you are writing about. You are a pretty good approximation of a Rennaisance man. Keep writing.
Kathleen Schofield| 7.21.11 @ 4:33PM
She sounds like a beautiful person, inside and out.
Ben, she has to be with her Lord, her husband and those that have gone on ahead. Truly, would you want her to come back to this? Just be thankful for the time you had with her and the time you will still have with her et al, in Heaven. You are mourning for yourself, but surely not for her.
Meanwhile, thanks so much for sharing the 'sunshine'.
Vibram Womens Five Fingers Bik | 7.21.11 @ 9:58PM
Vibram Mens Five fingers Classic have grown in fame enough to provide an amazing fashion appeal as well as the functionality of the shoe. There are very specific health benefits and shoe categories within this line.
DANSHANTEAL| 7.22.11 @ 3:31PM
You bring out the best in people. My friend Charley went to his rest Midland last October next to his mom. Your description of Babara fits Charley's mom. Her famous Rosalyn Russell line was...getting old ain't for sissies. How true.
Nancy Coleman| 7.22.11 @ 3:45PM
I,too, admired Barbara Duke and so enjoyed your tribute to her at her service. Come to Midland anytime. I can assure you we all will be hoisting a glass and toasting and hosting and carrying on and eating her Frito Salad.. passing on our memories and creating new ones. The world is less today.
Carmen| 7.22.11 @ 8:41PM
Ben Dahling, 9 years ago my table and I were blessed to be seated at an outdoors cafe in San Miguel next to Barbara Duke and her entourage from Midland. We struck up a conversation and soon discovered a mutual best friend in Dallas. We all had leased homes for the month of July in S.M. and were together daily. Barbara, invited we all to Casey's 21st Birthday party (her Granddaughter) what an event! Every nuance you wrote about Barbara are my sentiments exactly. What a true lady and I was amazed also by her fabulous figure and mentioned it to Judy. Judy then told me her mother's nick name when she met Judy's Father Bob was "The Bod" . Judy and her daughters, Casey and Drew are every bit the Lady Barbara shining example could produce. Every flight from Dallas to Midland was overflowing for Barbara's finale and how we long to have a heavenly reunion with the "Hostess with the Mostest" God Bless Barbara, you and all who loved her.
Nice| 7.22.11 @ 11:00PM
It sounds very wonderful, my friend. why not try it?
http://www.summer-products.com
Kara Cooper-Meachum| 7.28.11 @ 1:12AM
What kind words writtin by such a genuine person.
I found a copy of this article in my locker at work when I returned from my days off. It was put there by a co worker friend of mine who had placed a sticky note on the front page of the article with a smiley face and a reference to the second to the last paragraph. I quickly turned the page to see what she was talking about. When I read my name, I immediately thought of my friendly meeting with Mr. Ben Stein the week before. I was working at MAF when I looked up and saw him smiling at me. I smiled back with a quick hello and continued on about my work. Well little did I know I would be "meeting" him and his beautiful wife Alex just a short time later. I am the TSA agent mentioned in that paragraph. How very flattered that I find myself referenced in such a beautiful article about someone very near and dear to he and his lovely wife.
So for the next several days at work, Mr. Stein and I are talked about, alot. Me and Mr. Ben Stein in the same sentence! Wow, who would have thought? I almost feel like a movie star. Like I would know what that feels like. Now I'm rambling. But anyways, it's been fun and I am honored that "the" Mr.Ben Stein remembered my name. I hope I made a lasting impression on you, cause you sure made one on me. Meeting you was a real honor and I hope to see you again (in person) someday. I will never forget that hug.
So what started out as any other ordinary day at the airport turned out to be one of the best ones of my life.
I am deeply saddened for your loss. It sounds as though Mrs. Duke was an extraordinary woman. People like her are one in a million. You are lucky to have called her friend. And I am lucky to call you friend.
Come back and see us sometime!
Yours Truly,
Kara Cooper-Meachum
Rene Ruiz| 7.31.11 @ 10:41AM
Awww, if he only knew how deep your beauty runs! You really have an effect on people Kara!