Evil is afoot on Capitol Hill.
Harry Reid and the Democrats are waving their magic wands (which look suspiciously like mainstream media microphones) in order to summon up the strength needed to conjure up more debt. This debt is Hallowed Debt, a living manifestation of the soul and purpose of their party. Their master, the Dark Lord Spendingmore (He who’s name must be spoken, chanted, symbolized and worshipped) seeks to crush a nerdy, young-looking man in glasses and one without (Eric Cantor and Paul Ryan respectively), who want to use magic learned from their old teacher Reaganmore to save the land of Muggles from a debt burden and lost decade that will make Muggles indentured slaves to taxation and see their savings magically disappear from the spell of inflation.
Many have tried to wear Reaganmore’s hat but none have yet embodied the magic of the old master. Briefly, new hope arose from a new champion who took the stage and posed as an expert in the Defense Against the Dark Arts, but he ended up just being a red-headed blowhard. And with Lord Spendingmore in possession of the Sorcerer’s Teleprompter, the forces of conservatism need all the communications help they can muster. Opponents of Spendingmore find themselves under constant threat from Debt-Eaters, whose insatiable appetite for the public trough makes their Lobbying Spells extra powerful incantations, as well as Public Sector Trolls who will stop at nothing to protect their territory—even to the point of their own destruction.
Cantor’s faithful female colleague, played by the resourceful and lovely Michele Bachmann, is doing her best to rally the forces of Muggledom before Lord Spendingmore obtains the absolute power to spend us into oblivion and rule policy through debt obligations for generations to come. Much will depend on the leadership of Hogsandwarts (also known as Congress). Meanwhile, the Office of Witchcraft and Wizardry, also known as the Federal Reserve, has been draining their magical powers with a continuous duplication spell.
Reaganmore’s followers have been inspired by a friendly Giant named Christie, whose courage in the face of Debt-Eaters and Public Sector Trolls is the stuff of legend. Simply watching this Giant has been known to possess enough magic to give jellyfish spines.
The Muggles in this tale are a clingy kind of people who stick with their guns and religion. They’d prefer to leave the magic to their elected officials, but are growing restless. Their eyes have pierced the veil of storm clouds cast by the Democrat followers of Lord Spendingmore. Plagues of unemployment, dependency, rising prices, and crippling regulations have afflicted their land, and yet there is fear that a spell of fine words coming from a crystal screen may yet have the power to cloud their minds, and minds in this manner clouded will turn away from a path of financial sanity to remain under the Spell of Bankruptcy now known as Hope and Change.
Even the sidekick Ron (Paul this time) will need to muster all of his forces to aid the powers of good. This may be difficult because his supporters can be weasely.
Lord Spendingmore believes he can achieve eternal life in policy if not in office by spending the United States into a European state. Only if the nerdy Republicans can withstand united the magic of his hypnotic presence and overcome his Spell of Media Message Saturation will the Muggles stand a chance. But they must play the game carefully. A wrong move could give Lord Spendingmore the chance he needs to cast a Diversion Spell and refocus Muggle minds on class envy and fear.
The battle is on. Who wins will not be determined in the theaters, but in the Hallowed Halls of Congress and it’s not the fate of a fictional wizard at stake, but the fate of a Republic and ultimately, the fate of the Free World.
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