May is history and with it goes Memorial Day 2011, but not
before President Barack Obama golfed for the 70th time in his
28-month-long presidency. He hustled over to lay a wreath on the
Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery and then
it was off to the links. Perhaps he was golfing to solemnize all
the country’s golfers who have served in foreign wars. Perhaps it
was to honor his predecessor in the realm of underappreciated
presidents, Warren Gamaliel Harding. Harding golfed and played
poker with his cronies. President Obama does not play poker with
his cronies but he does play the occasional game of basketball.
Both President Obama and President Harding, as with President Bill
Clinton, have had bossy wives. On the day his wife, Michelle,
unveiled a new USDA guide for healthful eating, the president
assaulted two chili dogs and fries at Rudy’s Hot Dog eatery in
downtown Toledo, Ohio. When he got home all hell broke loose.
A cornucopia of intelligence has been provided by the
extermination of the Rev. Osama bin Laden during that devil may
care SEAL Team Six revel in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Reportedly the
SEALs made off with five computers, 10 hard drives, and more than
100 storage devices, plus the Rev. bin Laden’s private stash of
pornography, though they did not locate his pornograph. Apparently
President Obama has decided not to release pictures of the Holy
Man’s corpse, possibly because it looks like Swiss cheese, but
possibly out of consideration for Holy Islam’s regard for the
dignity of the individual. Senator James Inhofe, who has actually
seen the photos, claims that they show the deceased wearing nothing
but his underwear and an old pair of socks—memories of Abu Ghraib,
no? In retaliation for the Osama caper al Qaeda seems to have
joined forces with an unidentified voodoo sect, for it has issued a
“Curse” on the United States. The details of the “Curse” have not
been published, but it could be that the United States will become
a nation of frogs. These guys play hardball. On a lighter note,
several top aides to the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have
been arrested for using supernatural powers to advance his
policies. One or two are actually accused by theoreticians around
the ultimate Ayatollah Khamenei of being practicing magicians.
Whether any have actually pulled a rabbit from a hat is unknown,
but this could be really big. The Arab Spring continues. In Saudi
Arabia Mrs. Manal al-Sharif was detained for driving a car, and in
Mooresville, North Carolina, 26-year-old NASCAR driver Mr. Kyle
Busch was too. He was driving 83 miles an hour over the speed
limit.
That Portland, Oregon, mail carrier who defecated in the
backyard of Mr. Don Derfler’s neighbor without knowing that the
plucky Mr. Derfler was nearby, camera at the ready, has been
assigned a different route so that Oregonians hoping to keep an eye
on the crafty outdoorsman will have to follow him on Twitter or
some other invaluable social network. The authorities are keeping
his new route under wraps, much to the displeasure of Mr. Derfler,
who says, “To come on to our property to defecate—it’s just wrong.”
This is not the last we have heard of Mr. Derfler…and his camera. A
rude report released by the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization
Service claims that Harvard State University asked the Service in
1964 to delay a request by Mr. Barack Hussein Obama Sr. to extend
his stay in the United States. Harvard, according to the report,
was “having difficulty with his financial arrangements and couldn’t
seem to figure out how many wives he had.” Mr. Obama died in 1982
when his automobile had an altercation with a tree in Kenya.
Moody’s Investors Service presented the very real prospect of
downgrading Washington’s Aaa debt rating absent progress on its
debt ceiling, and that police officer who used President Robert
Mugabe’s private comfort station at the annual Zimbabwe Trade Fair
and failed to flush is under arrest in the western city of
Bulawayo. Mrs. Beatrice Mtetwa, a leading Zimbabwean human rights
lawyer, is handling the case and arguing that the officer only made
water and did not do the other thing, which is more serious. The
case is pending.
In New York City there seems to have been an outbreak of Bill
Clinton Syndrome (BCS). In Manhattan’s posh Sofitel Hotel, Mr.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the managing director of the International
Monetary Fund and the Socialist Party’s frontrunner for the
presidency of France, suffered some kind of romantic run-in with a
Guinean chambermaid and was arrested on rape charges minutes before
his Air France getaway flight was scheduled to transport him and
his incriminating DNA to Paris. Mr. Strauss-Kahn, the ravishing
62-year-old beauty known for his silver hair, silver tongue, and
slight limp, was returned to Manhattan looking grim-faced and
frankly in need of a laxative. Lighten up, DSK! You will be out by
your 88th birthday. By month’s end the tart-tongued Congressman
Anthony Weiner (pronounced, he insists, vi´-ner), D-NY, also
apparently suffered at least the underpants version of BCS, as
pictures of his underpants containing what appeared to be a huge
Idaho potato were sent from his Twitter account to a nubile cutie
in Seattle, Washington. The picture fell into the hands of Mr.
Andrew Breitbart, who brought it to the attention of the omnivorous
press corps, one of whose members prevailed on the idiotic
congressman to say that he could not “with certitude” say they were
not his underpants. The Hon. Weiner (alternate pronunciation,
wine´-er) spent the rest of the week holding press conferences and
one-on-one interviews on the topic of his underpants, underwear in
general, and something about intellectual capital. The national
debt ceiling was almost completely forgotten.
As for Mr. Bill Clinton himself, he has yet to show up for that
public bra fitting at Nordstrom, though you can be sure he is
interested in that girl out in Seattle. Meanwhile women may be
getting even with the concupiscent male of the species. Police
Sergeant Spencer Crum of Sonoma, California, is investigating the
case of a fast-talking woman of unknown origins who managed to talk
her way into the private quarters of a rather stupid man and give
him an enema before completely vanishing. It took the dolt three
days to report the felonious event to the police, who now have
turned the matter over to the domestic and sexual assault unit of
the Sonoma sheriff’s office and had a good laugh. That Guinean
woman in Manhattan is redeemed! Former House Speaker Mr. Newt
Gingrich declared for the presidency and promptly fell on his
sword, calling Congressman Paul Ryan’s health care policy
“right-wing extremism.” Mr. Donald Trump withdrew his name as a
presidential contender but said he might again run for the
presidency in 2012 if things get boring. And speaking of boring,
Mr. Mitt Romney is running for the presidency while the
pulchritudinous Sarah Palin took off on a bus with members of the
press in tow.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian took the easy way out and died in a hospital
at 83. He suffered a pulmonary thrombosis. The seventh Earl of
Onslow will apparently never complete his defense of slavery for
this intellectual review. He died in England May 14, a decade after
promising to deliver the controversial manuscript. He was 73.
Finally the longest-serving member of the Four Freshmen, Mr. Bob
Flanigan, died aged 84. After him came rock & roll, and after
rock & roll came Mr. Rush Limbaugh. There are signs of progress
as the Crisis continues.
