The American Spectator

9/23/03: After dinner last night we all watched a film on what to do if waterboarded by the U.S. military. Pretty scary stuff. There was also a demonstration of how to pack an emergency evacuation kit in case of a raid or something. So I need to pick up one of those battery powered radios tomorrow and probably a new fake ID.

11/6/03: None of my 18 kids is doing well in school. I told them they’ve got to study to get ahead in this world, but they never listen to the old man. OK, I dropped out of school, but I had a dream of destroying America. Whenever I try to instill a sense of purpose in them, they go “Yada-yada-yada.” These kids today in Afghanistan have it much too easy. Some of them don’t even know how to find New York on a map!

4/17/04: I can’t believe it’s been almost three years since 9/11 and we haven’t followed it up with anything worth writing home about. The local papers are calling me a “one-hit wonder.” That can really hurt a guy. I was sort of hoping to make the cover of Time again, but I guess that won’t happen soon.

6/2/04: I met this really hot young girl from Yemen on muslimmatch.com but she refuses to believe I’m the Osama bin Laden. She told me that’s the oldest line in Yemen. What does a guy have to do to get some action in this region?

9/9/04: I sent a few of my poems to the Yemen chick but she hasn’t responded. I like the one that begins, “Let my grave be an eagle’s belly…” The New Yorker turned it down, as usual. The U.S. poetry market is almost impossible to crack these days.

10/14/04: Some guy in Pakistan intelligence called again to ask how I was doing. He said if there was anything I needed not to hesitate to give him a jingle. Down deep, the Pakistanis are really a caring, supportive people.

11/15/04: One of the moderate factions wants to confer with me at a neutral cave, but I’m not sure there’s much point. These moderate clerics are all hat and no cattle (as Bush might put it). Speaking of “W,” I guess we’re in for four more years of him, Cheney, and Rummy. In an odd way, I’ve almost come to feel close to these boys — well, like they say, better the devil you know…!

1/7/05: Got a new rifle for my anniversary — not exactly the one I wanted but it looks great in the videos of me taking target practice. One of the guys at the gym invited me to go leopard hunting with him sometime. It’s been pretty quiet lately and I just might. Wife No. 3 says I need to find a hobby instead of hanging around the house getting underfoot.

4/12/05: Went to a pancake breakfast thrown by the local Muslim Brotherhood, the first time out of the hotel in a year. I disguised myself as an aging beatnik with a cane and they bought it! A few people recognized me, I think, but I didn’t let on. Met a terrific woman there but it turns out she was once married to me. Life is full of surprises.

6/13/05: Wife No. 2 has been nagging me lately about watching myself on al-Jazeera all day and not reading more. I’ve got a lot of things on my mind now and at night I just like to kick back in my recliner and catch a little TV. Now she wants me to join her damn book club! Three wives sounds great, but don’t you believe it. They’re on me night and day — dye my beard, give them money for new burqas, get out of the house — do this, do that. They’re never happy. I just might replace all of them if they don’t get off my back.

8/4/06: Ever since we left the caves and got a nice suite at the Paki Hilton, I’ve felt more secure. The manager here couldn’t be more accommodating — a real sweetheart. He doesn’t mind that all 23 of us are bunking in the same suite. I wonder how much to tip the maid for not revealing our whereabouts.

9/16/06: My inner circle accuses me of being “westernized” just because I happen to like Cokes and smoke a little weed from my garden. A guy’s gotta have some fun. Not much else to do in this place — five years in one room! No wonder I spend a few hours a day watching porn online. My all-time favorite is still “Debbie Does Islamabad.”

1/15/07: One of my kids says I need to find a new slogan beside “Death to America.” He told me, “Dad, that’s so post-9/11!” He may have a point. Smart youngster. I promised I’d raise his allowance if he could come up with something catchier.

11/7/08: Barack Obama actually got elected with that crazy name — will wonders never cease! I’m sorta proud of the guy, but then anybody that isn’t Bushie would brighten my day. Obama seems a nice enough fellow — friendly smile, good-looking wife, nice kids. Thanks to the home mortgage scandal and the auto industry bailout, I suspect he’ll probably forget about tracking me down. You could say I’m too big to fail. LOL!

12/6/09: I don’t quite recall ever giving the go-ahead to this Christmas Day “underwear bomber” guy, so he must be a free-lancer out of Dearborn. It’s getting harder and harder to keep tabs on all of these self-employed terrorists. Sometimes I feel out of the loop, or maybe the memory is starting to go. I get my kids confused all the time.

3/10/11: I cannot believe I’m 54 today! It’s been a pretty full life up to now, so I won’t complain — except for this damn arthritis in my hip. I’ve done pretty much all I set out to do but bring America to its knees, but, hey, you can’t have everything. We’ve got the Great Satan on the run now, the nicest present a terrorist leader could wish for.