The American Spectator

Osama bin Laden’s journal has been seized and studied for leads to al Qaeda’s terrorist plans. Some excerpts have been leaked to me from an unimpeachable Taliban source:

9/14/01: It was so sweet of the kids to give me a journal after 9/11, embossed with my name. I hope I have something interesting to put in it. When I kept a journal at school, after a week or two I could never think of what to write in the darn thing. So where do I start? Well, it’s a really pretty fall day here — they’re saying it could heat up by the end of the week. I think a couple of the wives are planning to take me to dinner to celebrate our successes in America. I need to remember to get my oat extract ED prescription refilled.

9/29/01: I have to be more religious about entering my thoughts in the journal, but suddenly it got really hectic around here. It seems like everyone wants an interview, but I don’t want to be overexposed so I’m only going to do a phoner with al-Jazeera.

10/6/01: I just hired a video guy to make tapes of my proclamations to release to the world. Hope it finds an audience. I’ve never been much of a public speaker — they say I ramble and need to lighten up a little — but the PR guy thinks these tapes will be a great way to get more ink. He says I can’t just rest on my laurels.

10/19/01: Wife No. 3 (she’s the cute little one with the big eyes) says I’ve been ignoring her at night. She claims I mumble in my sleep about virgins. So? I’m thinking it might be a good time to replace her and maybe also tell Wife No. 1 to take a hike. I don’t need any more aggravation right now, when I’m working overtime to come up with a really inventive new attack on the Great Satan. It won’t be easy to top the World Trade Center, but a couple of ideas on the back burner could pan out. I vetoed a plan to kidnap Lady Gaga — too high risk and bad for the image, but she’s really my type.

1/4/02: I haven’t had a moment to myself to add any new entries in the journal, what with the holidays and Wife No. 2 constant nagging me about our living conditions. I tell her the cave is just temporary. We’re looking for something affordable in Pakistan with three bedrooms, but the housing market in Tora Bora is brutal.

6/28/02: This “shoe bomber” jerk is giving terrorists a bad name. What a scruffy looking character! I wonder how he got the dopey idea to blow up a plane by lighting his shoe. Well, he’s innovative, you gotta hand it to him, but what a goofball. The upside is that he’s angered every passenger forced to take off their shoes at the airport. We’ve got the Yankee dogs where we want ‘em now. One day they’ll have body scanners!

8/11/02: I got a really nice new camel for Ramadan and a beard trimmer I’ve been hinting at. The camel gets great mileage even though I won’t be able to use it for a while.

Not much else happening right now. We’re looking for new suicide bombers on Craigslist.

8/18/02: I need to write another rant for the video series, but it’s tough coming up with anything new. I don’t want to lose my audience. How do Gaddafi and Mubarak do it? I guess they’re naturals at the long-winded tirade. I’ve always been basically a shy guy, uncomfortable in the spotlight. Wife No.1 says I’m more charismatic than I realize, so maybe I’ll renew her contract. She’s 27 and still got a few good years left on her.

11/28/02: I’m embarrassed to realize I haven’t added a new journal entry since August. Boy, time really flies when you’re on the run. I don’t think the caves are going to work out much longer. It’s time to move up to something roomier. A very nice terrorist in Cave 378 suggested Abbottabad, which he says is a great getaway from the jihad rat race. I need to have my courier check it out.

2/13/03: The U.S. finally got Saddam Hussein, the old rascal! I guess that makes me No. 1 bad guy at last! My head is sort of reeling today. I just hope I’m worthy of the honor. I feel sort of responsible for his capture because the U.S. claimed we were in cahoots. What a laugh. Saddam was not my favorite dictator, but, as I always say, the death of any anti-American anti-Israeli scourge diminishes us all.

2/28/03: The tabloids are full of chatter about what our next attacks may be, so we’ve really got to get serious about planning a new one. I keep telling my team to come up with a clever unexpected place to bomb, but all they come back with is trains and planes. These guys on the payroll are so unimaginative. I used to think they were pure Islamists, but they’re just in it for the easy dough. Why do I have to do everything around here?

3/26/03: Omar, my oldest son, is all over me about appointing someone to take over when I’m gone. He says I refuse to face facts, and that I could be taken out any day. In his dreams!

5/12/03: We just had a big meeting whether to take out the Golden Gate Bridge, the Eiffel Tower, or the Parthenon, but nobody could agree which target would get the most press. It all ended in a loud argument between two hotheaded middle management guys I finally had to separate. I just tabled it till next month’s meeting.