The American Spectator

January, a new month of a new year, is now history, and with Tea Partiers fortifying their numbers a Republican majority took over the U.S. House of Representatives. Suddenly, the Hon. Nancy Pelosi became the first woman ever to be ex-Speaker of the House of Representatives after sustaining the worst midterm drubbing since 1948. On the other hand, Judicial Watch revealed that from January to October 2010 she logged 43 flights on commandeered Air Force planes covering 90,155 miles, so why the sourpuss, Mrs. Pelosi? It cost more than 2 million dollars in 2010 to fly the old battle-axe around the world and $2,100,744.14 the year before. In Tampa, Florida, Mrs. Julie Schenecker shot dead her two teenage children for being “mouthy.” “It appears that the children never saw it coming,” said a Tampa police spokesman. So obviously Mrs. Pelosi could have been a lot worse.

Congresswoman Pelosi was replaced as Speaker by the first man ever to become Speaker of the House from Reading, Ohio, Congressman John Boehner, a cigarette smoker of prodigious capacity and a golfer. What is more, he has the finest suntan since Taki, the Greek playboy. Speaker Boehner immediately moved to make it more difficult to raise taxes and increase spending, and his Republican majority reinforced by three Democrats repealed Obamacare, starting with its obnoxious taxation of suntan parlors. Whether the Speaker’s defense of suntan parlors will arouse Democrats’ protestations is at this writing unclear, but Congressman Steve Cohen (D-TN) did compare Republicans to Nazis for their assault on Obamacare. Nor was he talking about the mild-mannered, slightly amusing Nazi, like Sergeant Hans Schultz and Colonel Wilhelm Klink of the CBS documentary Hogan’s Heroes. The Hon. Cohen’s obloquy was uttered despite President Barack Obama’s call for a rebirth of civility among politicians and an end to the assigning of blame following a 22-year-old’s killing or wounding of 20 people in Tucson, including the murder of federal judge John Roll, a Republican, and the severe injury to Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, a Democrat. On January 25, Mr. Obama delivered his State of the Union address, pilfering from no fewer than five presidents, one prime minister, and a governor, as noted by our friend Professor Alvin Felzenberg. Even by Vice President Joe Biden’s standards this was grand larceny. And on January 28 Mrs. Rita Zambrano, 45, of Hamblen County, Tennessee, was arrested for revealing her naked arse in a crude manner to police officer David Gulley as he arrested her brother Mr. Ronnie Waddell, 44, for public intoxication. Actually, this may be a case of mistaken identity, for Mrs. Zambrano’s face is almost indistinguishable from her arse, and Officer Gulley was not wearing his glasses. Maybe she had a wide smile for her face. The case is to be continued.

Street demonstrations toppled the government of Tunisia and brought rioters to the streets in Egypt, Jordan, Algeria, and Yemen. In New York City an estimated 3,500 commuters dropped their trousers during the 10th annual No Pants Subway Ride. Created a decade ago by Improv Everywhere, a non-governmental organization dedicated to peaceful protest, the movement is claiming adherents around the world, though I think we can all agree that in the Arab world things got out of hand. That mathematics professor at California State University, Northridge, who urinated on the doorknob of a fellow prof may not plead urinary exigency after all, thanks to developments in Tokyo, Japan. Professor Tihomir Petrov, 43, was caught on a surveillance camera relieving himself, but it might not be as bad as it looks. Technicians in Tokyo have developed a set of video games that make urinating in the men’s lavatory more interesting than the usual boring chore and even challenging. Placed in select urinals around the city, the amusing contrivances have pressure sensor plates that record the strength of a urinator’s stream on small LCD screens placed at eye level. Some of the games are mere amusements such as “The North Wind,” which allows a urinator to blow up a virtual girl’s skirt on the screen. Yet others are highly competitive, such as “Battle: Milk from Nose,” in which the urinator competes with a prior participant’s stream. No national champion has yet been claimed, but possibly Professor Petrov was on his way to the “Tokyo Toylets” to bring honor to his country, rather than ignominy as seems his present state. Hang in there, dinkelspiel.

The federal budget deficit was estimated by the Congressional Budget Office to approach $1.5 trillion in 2011, and President Obama is promising still more spending on education, infrastructure, and other traditional Democratic boondoggles. But what will he do about birdsongs? In Lancaster, California, Mayor R. Rex Parris has the answer. Insisting that the latest scientific research has established that birdsongs makes people happier, he has suggested placing loudspeakers on Lancaster Boulevard-an especially gloomy street-and broadcasting endless bird chatter. Of course, Mayor Parris will continue his drive for solar energy and the castration of pit bulls in Lancaster, but if this birdsong mania catches on he might make it a national priority and in 2012 seek the Democratic presidential nomination, as did Robert Kennedy and other Liberal dissenters. At last there is an alternative for the Idiot Left. President Ronald Reagan’s son may have betrayed signs of Alzheimer’s when he said his father suffered the disease as early as 1984. He made the statement on “Good Morning America,” and then came back on the show to say he had no recollection of saying it. Then he descended into total incoherence. Ron Reagan was born May 8, 1958. Finally, January 26 was the day on which in 1784 Mr. Benjamin Franklin wrote his daughter to say that he wished the turkey, “a bird of courage” though “a little vain and silly,” had been chosen over the bald eagle to represent America. It is now the logo of The American Spectator.

Death claimed Mr. Don Tyson, 80, the “Chicken King” and the largest chicken producer in history. He developed genetically engineered large breasts, which made him a close personal friend and adviser to ex-President Bill Clinton. Mr. Tyson supplied the first Rock Cornish hens and Gizzard Burghers to nearby prisons. At its peak Tyson Foods was capable of slaughtering 25 million chickens a week and God knows how many dogs and cats. He passed on in Springdale, Arkansas. Also Mr. Richard Winters passed away, whose World War II exploits were popularized in Band of Brothers, and Mr. Peter Yates, director of Breaking Away, a movie situated in Bloomington, Indiana, that according to the New York Times “addressed class” divisions in America. Actually it was based on the exploits of a bicycle team composed of mostly Indiana swimmers who helped start this magazine and were devotees of opera-class divisions indeed! Nonetheless, Mr. Yates was a gent. Finally, David Frye, 77, assumed room temperature. He was renowned for his impersonation of President Nixon. In “Richard Nixon: A Fantasy” his Nixon says, “Today I have regretfully been forced to accept the resignations of 1,541 of the finest public servants it has ever been my privilege to know. As the man in charge, I must accept full responsibility, but not the blame. Let me explain the difference. People who are to blame lose their jobs; people who are responsible do not.” In another skit his Nixon seeks the Godfather’s help. “You want justice?” the Godfather inquires. “Not necessarily” is the response. RN would have liked that. Next month the Crisis continues.