The American Spectator : Shelters in the Storm

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Shelters in the Storm

By Ben Stein on 2.11.11 @ 6:08AM

Between two Hollywoods, earlier this week.

Sunday
Busy, busy, busy. I left this morning for Miami. It was a deeply sad leave taking. My dog, Brigid, is desperately old and incontinent and barely able to walk. We will be sending her to heaven very soon and leaving her today is probably the last time I will kiss her good bye at the front door.

I will talk a lot more about that very soon.

The flight to Miami was perfect. I slept almost all of the way. My father gave me this gift. I can sleep almost anywhere during the day and also at night, just as he could. What a gift. I put on my Bose headphones and listen to Bob Dylan singing "Shelter from the Storm" and soon I am in dreamland and then I am at my destination. Great stuff.

I was taken to the Westin Diplomat in Hollywood, Florida. My room was immense and super cheerful. It had a large balcony that overlooked the ocean. The air was warm and breezy, and I felt happy.

I unpacked and went up to the club floor to watch The Super Bowl with a nice man from Munich. He was there for the same conference I was to speak at. We had a good talk about football, Munich, Exchange Traded Funds, and women. Then he left and I didn't want to be in the cavernous club by myself.

Down I went to the bar, where diehard Steelers fans were cheering for a comeback. I had two charming and pretty waitresses waiting on me. One was from Lithuania and one was from Romania. They could not have been more efficient or pleasant. Two young college girls came in and wanted photos with me. Then a man came over and told me about his investing strategy. It was interesting but I rarely believe in new ideas in investing beyond indexing, extreme diversification, value, and small cap.

The game ended and I went up to my room. I dealt with some hate texts, and then took a long shower and then to sleep.

Monday
This room has a fantastic view in the morning. Just great. Ocean, palms, pools, sand, a pretty girl sunbathing nearby. But I am here to work.

I went down to speak to a super alert, super smart group of men and women who work with Exchange Traded Funds (originally index funds that can be easily traded but now morphed into much more complex vehicles that use interesting valuation and hedging methods, some of which might be more useful than others). Just before I was to speak, I started choking on the chicken entree, but by a miracle, a few Zantac and a cup of Tazo Refresh mint tea saved me. The speech went well.

Then a mad rush to MIA to catch a flight to DCA. I got a soda at the Admirals' Club, sold to me by a staggeringly beautiful young woman from Colombia. She was so beautiful it took my breath away.

THIS WORLD IS JUST A GREAT PLACE!!!!!!

Then off to DCA, asleep the whole way.

My usual and fantastic driver, Bob Noah, met me with the groceries I had asked him to buy and I went to my apartment at the Watergate. It was a cool night but not unpleasant. My apartment was sparkling clean and I get a rush of joy when I walk in the door. Now, if I could only afford it.…

Then off to dinner at Morton's with my pal Russ Ferguson. It was amazingly deserted in Georgetown. What's that about? Where is everyone? Morton's was empty, too. We had a hearty, strong-looking waitress and our food came right out. We talked about all of the problems the U.S. faces:

• catastrophic debt;
• catastrophic decline in education;
• disappearance of basic morals from many people (including me);
• threats from Moslems who hate us and want to kill us;
• total vacuum of meaningful leadership in the White House.

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About the Author

Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes "Ben Stein's Diary" for every issue of The American Spectator.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (43) | Leave a comment

Appleby| 2.11.11 @ 6:47AM

I started reading this and then I realized that it would not make my -25 degree, frozen-over day -- with the cat and I both suffering from cough and cold, and the prospect of an hour on public transit to get to a day at an uninteresting job with nothing to look forward to but coming home in even worse cold tonight -- any better to read about what wealthy people do. Envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

So I hereby give up reading Ben Stein. Let him brag to someone who doesnt resent him.

Hugh Y.| 2.11.11 @ 10:07AM

Goodness! Aren't we special!

( . . . and blessed with prosperity . . .)

My, my, my. And how old Ben likes to flaunt it.

"If you've got it, flaunt it," says Benny Boy.

Poopsie| 2.11.11 @ 10:11AM

Ben becomes more obnoxious with each post.

Humility, Ben. Try to be a little humble. Cut out the bragging and try to write something that has a little substance.

Cut the Hollywood airhead crap.

j d| 2.11.11 @ 10:12AM

Substance? You're asking Ben for substance? Surely you jest.

emilio lizardo| 2.11.11 @ 10:13AM

Amen. I have an old dog too, Ben, and I feel for ya. But no one gives a hoot about your immense and cheerful hotel rooms, your dinners at 4 star steak houses, the babes that pour your drinks or your drivers, or your Weltanschauung that your cushy life spawns. Not a hater, don't begrudge you the finer things in life, I suspect you've earned them. But Ben you've only been interesting insofar as that you're an anomaly in Malibu. But you have finally committed the unpardonable sin of being tiresome. Have read my last Ben Stein piece.

Occam's Tool| 2.11.11 @ 11:05AM

Morton's is not as good as Ruth's Chris, Ben m'boy. And there's a good one in Beverly Hills, and B'ham AL, and Mobile, AL. Unlike you, I tip very well, so the waiters in those places always had my steaks prepared precisely the way I wanted them---the "cardiac special," drowning in garlic butter. G-d, I can't continue. I bore the shit out of myself.

I subscribe to TAS. Ben doesn't give me what this YAFer (TCU 1980-1984) wants.

The people aren't in those steakhouses because some idiot wants to tax the people who invest in businesses that create jobs and prosperity. Look in the mirror much, Ben?

Ned the Red| 2.11.11 @ 11:20AM

I thank God most days that I have not become a bitter and angry person who resents folks who have more monetary possessions than me.
I enjoy reading Ben's articles, perhaps because, even though my life is very different, I immensely enjoy it and am thankful for it.
I never want to become someone who looks at others who outwardly have more than me, and rather than think, maybe someday I could do that, instead think he is bad for having it.
I have an old dog. If they were mine, I would trade all of Ben's luxuries, if only the clock could be turned back and make her two again.

Occam's Tool| 2.11.11 @ 11:51AM

I don't resent his possessions, but they're boring to talk about. Unless you're a coin collector, you don't want to hear about my double-died extra high profile gold St. Gauden's. Ben is a very bright guy with a lot of interesting takes on life, some of them dead wrong, some of them right on. About his driver, I don't care. And comparing steakhouse memories is boring to distraction.

That being said, if I could have my schnauzer John Cade back again, life would be even sweeter. Ned, I hope your old dog stays in good health.

Ned the Red| 2.11.11 @ 1:24PM

Ben is just using this column for what some folks use the social networks for, yapping over the backyard fence. Some of it is boring and some of it isn't. I disagree with some of what he says, but I like his positive and appreciative attitude about his life in this country.
Fortunately my old dog is in good health, but she is twelve and I in the youth of old age (fifties), have become, as Lincoln once said in a letter to a young lady who had lost her father in the Civil War, (paraphrase) as you get older and experience it more, death is something I have come to ever expect in those I cherish.

beebop| 2.11.11 @ 4:14PM

My old dog is curled happily on the foot of the bed. She has in the past two days developed a bad case of dog farts. When I ask her if she made a "stinky" she looks at me with what is beginning to look like a small smile. How unhappy I will be when she is gone.

As for Ben's columns? Sometimes they are good and sometimes I am not all that interested. When the latter happens, I just move on ....

Occam's Tool| 2.11.11 @ 11:52AM

Yes, Appleby, but you are not an attorney. And therefore, you are infinitely better and richer of soul than Ben. Get well soon.

Lotta Lotta| 2.12.11 @ 4:06PM

Love Ben's posts!

They demostrate all to well the shallowness of AmSpec.

Ben, you old sabateur. You're undermining the seriousness of this tedious right wing blog. Keep up the good work, man!

Herb| 2.11.11 @ 7:06AM

In my humble opinion it's great to start the day reading the cheerful words of someone who is truly enjoying life. There are plenty of angry bitter rich people out there but Ben Stein is not among them. For one thing, he's not a liberal and lacks that nucleus of resentment that drives them to despise their own fortunate circumstances. I put on work boots before sunrise and get paid by the hour, and I truly enjoy a few moments reading Ben Stein before heading out into the cold.

Vern Crisler| 2.11.11 @ 8:27AM

Ben, you need to get an Ipod or something and start taking photos of those beautiful women you come across.

John Maass| 2.11.11 @ 8:38AM

Sir: You spoke in front of a recumbant statue of Lee, not his sarcophagus. Lee is buried downstairs. JM

Intelligent Design| 2.11.11 @ 8:43AM

The U.S. should bring all of our troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan now. Let the Muslims kill each other.

Steve A| 2.11.11 @ 10:43AM

Ben, Thanks. As I was reading this I fell asleep just like you did in the airplllllllllllllllllllzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jim| 2.11.11 @ 12:03PM

Ben, so sorry to hear that Bridgid's time is coming. I dearly love my own Shorthair, and am watching him gray with age, even as his mother just passed away two weeks ago. A good dog is a blessing, and German Shorthair Pointers are great dogs. You have my sympathies.

It would be nice if some of the more bitter commenters could have a better outlook on life such that they did not have to always violate Mama's rule: If you don't have anything nice to say, keep it to yourself.

Appleby| 2.11.11 @ 2:03PM

That's why I have decided not to read his braggadacio any longer. Envy, as I have stated and every good Catholic knows, is one of the deadly sins.

Jack| 2.11.11 @ 8:30PM

I hope we can hold you to that! My money is that you can't make it past one of his articles without complaining about his lifestyle rather than commenting on the content. I like people for their character and not their possessions. Ben has a good heart and wears it on his sleeve.

gearjammer| 2.11.11 @ 12:21PM

Well, I ask you, who is a bigger braggart when it comes to relating their yummy lives to us= Rush or Ben ? Yet, each in his own way is a strong fighter for the kind of America we want to save. These rich and famous guys are in the trenches with the rest of when it comes to the struggle we are in. Only, their trenches are swankly appointed, have room service, and hot babes mixing their martinis.

Wes in Mt| 2.11.11 @ 12:28PM

Ben, GOOD GOD MAN, HAVE THE DOG PUT DOWN ALREADY!! Ok, got that off my chest, I had to put down my dog, Guppy(his name when I got him 17 years ago) in December. He was having a hard time getting around but had not become incontinent. Years ago, when my mother ran a kennel, we had some folks board a great pyreness, beautiful dog but way past his prime. We had to take him to the vet and the vet would not let him come back to the kennel and euthanised the old boy. Doping up our old animals when they are suffering and in pain is not very loving, especially when they have lived a long and good life. My vet told me that my old boy was in alot of pain, simply because he was worn out. When he would not eat or drink, I knew that I could not let him suffer, he was too good a friend. Do the right thing Ben. It ain't easy but it's the right thing to do.

Steve A| 2.11.11 @ 12:31PM

It's the pen he should put down, not the dog. At least the dog still has some life in it. His pen is the one causing the suffering.......

Steve A| 2.11.11 @ 12:50PM

Hey Ben, I feel for you & your pup, seriously.
If you want to save the expense of euthanasia, you can probably read the contents of this latest effort of yours to the dog & she will probably go swallow a pine cone.

Michael| 2.11.11 @ 2:10PM

First, Steve A., speaking for all pet owners just let me say you are an idiot for doing your post. Second, the British are saying "how mean it was to bomb the Germans"?? When I read that I immediately remembered one person with me in college a short number of years ago. He was part of a tour group going to Europe and when they were in England he was talking to a group of people and mentioned he was going to be flying to Germany later that week. An elderly Brit said to him, "Young man, the only reason to fly to Germany is to drop 1,000 pounders on it!"

Seek| 2.11.11 @ 2:50PM

Few things in life are more heartbreaking than taking a beloved pet to the vet for the last time, knowing it will be put down. They're not human, so the pending death doesn't have the impact of losing a family member. But the pain is there all the same. My condolences to Ben.

Steve A| 2.11.11 @ 2:54PM

Hi Michael, Whatever pal. I can tell you that my family has a total of roughly 25 pets (dogs, cats, horses, ducks, chickens, sugar gliders, guinnea etc) These guys hit the lottery when they ended up at my place, trust me. I have 2 hand carved headstones (well, woodstones) in my back yard for dogs I had to put down in the last 2 years. I get it.

However, none of this makes Ben's column suck any less. I was sincere when I expressed my sympathy for his dog. I was also sincere when I implied that I felt like his dog would want to swallow a pine cone if she had to hear this column read to her. Perhaps all of this makes me evil. So be it.

Susie| 2.11.11 @ 3:43PM

Steve A., I "got" your original post and actually lol'd. I feel the same way you do about the article and our many pets. Is it really necessary to let all of us plebeians know about your driver who picks up your groceries after you've enjoyed time at the Admirals' Club, Ben? What's the point?

Dave| 2.11.11 @ 11:57PM

Ben,

I wouldn't worry about cutting the budget as much as I would worry about spending money on defective weapons that leave our soldiers at the mercy of our enemies (Colt M4). We should start spending the money on things that work.

roadmaster| 2.12.11 @ 8:38AM

Ben; Glad to hear about the quality students at W & L U. Most of the young people I come in contact with are even more immature and shallow than their parents. Sad to say, my generation phoned it in when it came to teaching their kids the values and traditions upon which we were founded.
My wife and I have a dinner date with a rep from Hillsdale College next week. She's traveling through Tucson and asked to visit those of us who support Hillsdale. I expect an optimistic and good report about those students as well.

Bob K.| 2.12.11 @ 9:49AM

Regarding savings on the Defense budget: Did you ever consider defunding the war in Afghanistan? We could save both money AND our boys lives.

gearjammer| 2.12.11 @ 3:43PM

Our MEN in Afghanistan are determined to get the job done. Quit speaking for them.

Bob K.| 2.12.11 @ 4:29PM

Gearjammer,
Afghanistan isn't called the graveyard of empires for nothing. Whether you learned anything about history isn't important. Whether our leaders did is! Bismarck's comment on the Balkans applies to Afghanistan. "The whole of the Balkans is not worth the bones of one Pomeranian grenadier." And the whole of Afghanistan is not worth the bones of one Marine Lance Corporal from Texas!

cincykid| 2.12.11 @ 12:22PM

As a newbee to AS, I can honestly say "move along folks....nothing to see here" applies to Mr. Stein's latest. Sheeesh, spare me the time, will ya!! Hope this is not all you got at AS.

gearjammer| 2.12.11 @ 3:41PM

Uh, CK best you not play poker with Ben. He take all your money, plus Tuesday Weld and Anne Margaret. Ben is DA MAN !

cincykid| 2.13.11 @ 3:36PM

@gj...no worries; I've retired from the circuit and now spend way too much time trying to find cogent, compelling ideas & writing. AS has some; BS as well, although not here. BTW, Tuesday and Anne are still hotties:)

Windknot| 2.14.11 @ 9:09AM

Ben - My thoughts are with you and Brigid. My dog Elvis (my long retired police partner) sleeps quietly at my feet - Alzheimer's, Cataracts, Arthritis, and Incontinence recently started. They will both let us know when it is time. Soon though.....soon.

JinOhio| 2.22.11 @ 11:47PM

Ben, God bless you and your family as you cherish your Brigid. Even after she passes, you will see her again because heaven would be imperfect without pets. Of course, heaven is perfect, so she will be there to greet you. Steven Curtis Chapman's recording of 'His Strength Is Perfect' might comfort you, as it does me when I miss my loved ones who have passed.

MsAngeeDepp| 3.25.11 @ 12:26PM

One again as I stated in another comment

While physical beauty of a woman is wonderful, a woman with less than "staggerly" beautiful looks can be quote "Godly" Beautiful by the way she lives her life and treats others. Physical beauty is always in the moment. Godly beauty last forever in the stories on the lives she touched. Just a thought.