The American Spectator : Angry Birds

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Angry Birds

By Joseph Lawler from the February 2011 issue

Alfred Hitchcock never had to deal with Baptist church signs.

The symbolism was hard to understand. "WATCH OUT FOR NESTING BIRD-SHARP TALONS!" read the sign in front of the little Baptist church across from my bus stop. Interpreting this church's signs had become an important aid in whiling away the time between when WMATA said the bus would arrive to take me to the Spectator offices and when it actually came. Normally the diversion provided by the daily message lasted but a few seconds before I had to admit to myself that I had drawn out every possible moral, theme, motif, and symbol and move grimly on to other time-killing pursuits. This particular message about the bird and the talons, though, had me wondering. The imagery eluded me, and left me regretful, probably not for the last time, that I didn't know more about the Bible. Something about the wings of eagles or maybe the birds of the air flitted through my mind, but I struggled to make sense of this call for probity in the face of evil's razor-sharp talons.

I'm sure that none of my fellow Metrobus sufferers at the stop even noticed the sign. I'm aware I have an unusually deep appreciation for church signs. The Massachusetts town in which I wasted away the time between junior high and when I could get a driver's license -- which still seems like a brief interlude compared to your average Metrobus wait -- was home to another small Baptist church featuring an ever-changing sign. Now, the pastors of the Catholic churches I knew limited their messages to the time and location of the weekly Bingo night. The pastor of this particular Baptist church, however, obviously viewed the sign as his go-to tool for evangelizing, and the sun never went down on a one-line sermon that wasn't impressively attuned to the day's happenings.

So, for instance, on a hot July day the message would run toward the climatic: "PRAYER-CONDITIONED." On the day of a big game for a local team it would be strategic: "NO ONE WINS WITHOUT GOD ON HIS SIDE." On a slow day, though, it would venture into the indecipherable: "DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE! -- GOD."

That last one was the source of a long walk's amusement for my best friend and me. We came up with a number of interpretations of its cryptic message, but none of them squared with Baptist theology. It could be God warning His people to behave themselves, lest He have to de-scend on the Earth and sort things out. But didn't Baptists hope for the Second Coming? And what was mankind up to now that was testing God's patience as never before? Or perhaps the message was taken from that day's Old Testament reading, and referred to God's annoyance at a Tower of Babel or a Golden Calf. If so, the pastor was being too clever for his own good. It was with this rich background in inscrutable-church-sign exegesis that I approached "WATCH OUT FOR NESTING BIRD-SHARP TALONS!"

Accordingly, I had not considered the possibility that the sign might be literal and not figurative in its meaning until I became aware -- far too late -- of a dark figure swooping down from across the street. That's right: a giant bird with its talons, yes, outsplayed, diving directly at my head. My thoughts came crashing down from the highly abstract to the immediate and physical. Even so, I barely had time to duck. I'm not proud of this, but as the bird, murder in its beady eyes, flew by inches over my head, such was my shock I let out a piercing scream.

In that same instant, the bird -- it looked like a bald eagle or a peregrine falcon to me -- was gone, and everyone else at the bus stop turned to me, torpidly curious (in the way only commuters can be) as to the cause of my outburst. As the bus turned the corner and pulled up to the stop, I realized that there was no way to explain to anyone what had just happened without writing a whole article. I lowered my head and got on without saying a word.

About the Author

Joseph Lawler was formerly managing editor of The American Spectator. Follow him on twitter: @josephlawler.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (24) | Leave a comment

Appleby| 2.9.11 @ 7:00AM

Do you stand in the intersection pondering the meaning of the traffic lights too?

alice moore| 2.9.11 @ 8:03AM

There is one Baptist Church on Hull St Road in Midlothian, Virginia. Every week a new pithy and relevant saying makes an appearance. The adages never are too cute or clever.

Paul| 2.9.11 @ 3:20PM

Ms. Moore:

I would advise that you count yourself among the fortunate; the vast majority of such signs are far too cute to ever achieve cleverness.

crooked wren| 2.9.11 @ 8:54AM

A fair warning that those messages are not merely figurative -- but real, actual, substantive. That Christ is not a metaphor, as highly-regarded Episcopal priests often seem to imply when preaching at Yale Divinity or the Cathedral of St. John the Divine (or the Unfinished -- as my husband calls it). The last time I heard a sermon or homily from the pulpit there I thought the priest might have come from a vacation at the Meher Baba place in Myrtle Beach -- or had spent too much time reading New Age-y "all-paths-lead-to-the-same-end" tomes. I spent too much of my young adulthood in such theological messes, and it's to no one's advantage to spend life thinking that Christ is a symbol or metaphor.

Literally heeding all warnings from a Baptist Church sign board can be a little like adopting bumper-sticker theology, but living as though Biblical things were all figurative and distant can bring us to moments where we are surprised by the clear and present dangers of the physical and moral universe in which we live.

East Texas Rancher| 2.9.11 @ 9:01AM

Our son, a military pilot, was driving with me once to the airport at DFW. He saw a church sign that still has us laughing, when re remember that day and laugh about it.
The sign said Be fishers of men.
You catch them,
Let God clean them.

For our son, an avid fisherman and hunter, the sign gave him more than a visual picture of field dressing and readying game for the frying pan or oven and he says he still sees God field dressing folks!

العاب| 4.11.12 @ 4:36PM

thank you

is good

Reebok| 8.11.11 @ 4:02AM

is good

tarheel| 2.10.11 @ 4:34PM

Sounds like an owl attack to me. In our neighborhood, when the fledglings come out of the nest, Mama and Papa Owl will attack. Two of my neighbors have been victims of attacks. Or the attack really could have been a warning about poking fun at Baptists.

Frisbee| 2.9.11 @ 8:47PM

Without the Bread of Life
You're Toast.

Humbly Grateful
or Grumbly Hateful?

Stop, Drop, and Roll
won't work in Hell

Honk if you love Jesus.
Text while driving if you want to meet Him.

Ugottabekidding| 2.9.11 @ 8:41PM

You had to think about "don't make me come down there"? OK, I over-analyze too, but even I know about the mother and her naughty kids. Sheesh.

Frisbee| 2.9.11 @ 8:51PM

Maybe Joseph L would have been better off wondering whether the Baptists believed in the First Coming. Didn't God already "come down here"? Isn't he with us until the end of time?

But I agree, it's a funny sign and should be taken as such.

ned burfle| 2.9.11 @ 1:13PM

dude, that's funny!

Ed| 2.9.11 @ 1:04PM

One Baptist church had the following on their sign:

It's hard to rock the boat when you're pulling on the oars.

Philip Howard| 2.9.11 @ 12:40PM

Best laugh I've had all day. Thanks.

Dave| 2.9.11 @ 12:22PM

Funny. Maybe God was trying to say something, maybe not. I find the irony delicious.

dsayne| 2.9.11 @ 11:38AM

I can say, with confidence, that most members of those Baptist churches would like to keep the preacher away from the sign.

Tammy Matern| 2.9.11 @ 11:27AM

It seems that the author does not realize that we Baptists could have a sense of humor.

Laurey Boyd| 2.9.11 @ 10:45AM

Flannery lives!

Vern Crisler| 2.9.11 @ 10:22AM

Let's be glad that sharp talons were the only thing Mr. Lawler had to worry about from an overflying bird. Church sign that one!

Frisbee| 2.9.11 @ 9:01PM

Vern, how about these for bird signs:

"Bird warning:
Your evil is about to recoil
on your own head." (Psalms 7:16)

"Birds ahead:
Those aren't burning coals!" (Romans 12:20)

Bob K.| 2.9.11 @ 10:06AM

Nesting Cooper's Hawks are often aggressive towards humans who venture into their territory. They are common in New England and along with their smaller cousins, Sharp-shinned Hawks, are usually the hawks you see hanging around the bird-feeders (which your progressive, liberal, environmentalist, welfare lovers put up for the birds) "seeking whom they may devour!"

KyMouse| 2.9.11 @ 9:45AM

Parker M.'s comment reveals far more truth about him that it does about Baptists.

Dr. David Reagan of Lamb and Lion Ministries has collected hundreds of church sign sayings; I'm not sure if they are on his web site.

My mother's church has an indoor sign that shows a maniacal child peering over a coffee cup -- it says, "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten."

Frisbee| 2.9.11 @ 9:03PM

who is Parker M? Are you referring to Joseph L?

Paul| 2.9.11 @ 3:23PM

Having seen folks in a state of inadvertent field dressing, caused by those who were arguably hunting them, I have to say that the image really isn't funny in the slightest.

I am reminded of Gary Larson's cartoon depicting puns as the lowest form of humor.