I was really looking forward to being a grumpy old man
— nothing to do all day but shuffle about the
house kicking the cat, writing angry letters to the editor, and
spending long periods secluded in the bathroom. But now researchers
have doused my dream with cold water. Apparently, we are more
likely to grouse, kvetch and carp at mid-life than we are at end of
life.
Well, that explains Glenn Beck.
According to these killjoy researchers, we are at
our happiest at age 80. It doesn’t seem
fair, I know. We should be happiest in the prime of life, not when
we’re spending 75 percent of our time in doctors’ waiting rooms,
and the rest of the time driving (very slowly, down the middle of
the road, making ample use of the brake) back and forth to the
doctor’s office.
The study also finds that old women are slightly
happier than old men. I’m guessing the reason grandma is so giddy
is because her late husband left her a bank account full of
Benjamins to spend on group bus tours to Branson, and large cash
donations to television preachers. The study doesn’t really go into
that.
Conventional wisdom has it that old folks are cranky
and ornery cusses. And, by and large, that has been my experience,
both as an observer and as an old man in training. I’ve always
assumed old men are cantankerous because, well, in their own words,
“kids these days have no respect for anything. And they play that
damn Victrola music too loud!”
They’re also grumpy because they fought World War II
so their kids and grandkids could remain free, and for what? So
they can wear their pants down around their
knees?
And they’re grumpy because there are 497 channels
and not one decent thing to watch. At least not since they
cancelled Matlock.
Actually, I think most old men are grumpy because
when they were kids they had to do chores from sunrise till
sundown, and slog 20 miles to school (uphill both ways), and it
made them grumpy and they’ve been grumpy ever
since.
Only, apparently, they aren’t.
This from the
Economist:
Enjoyment and happiness dip in middle age, then pick up;
stress rises during the early 20s, then falls sharply; worry peaks
in middle age, and falls sharply thereafter…sadness rises
slightly in middle age, and falls thereafter.
So contrary to conventional wisdom, life is not one long,
downhill death march to the grave. Rather our journey skips along a
U-shaped path, beginning with our carefree slacker years, then
descending like a lead curtain with marriage, kids, office job,
financial troubles, layoffs, stupid neighbors, then a sharp uptick
as one nears one’s dotage, and the kids move to Seattle, and you
finally retire from your soul-destroying job, and calmly await
sweet, sweet death.
The study also finds we are typically most forlorn
between the ages 50-53. I’m 47, so that means I’ve got my most
miserable years ahead of me. Yay.
Interestingly, it is not having angry,
sullen teenagers in the home, a stressful job and a corpulent
spouse that makes mid-lifers miserable. They are miserable because
it is natural to be unhappy in mid-life. Period.
STILL, THE NOTION that old people are
grouches is hard to shake. The study explains this misconception
too. Supposedly, it takes more to ruffle gray feathers because
oldsters have finally made peace with how pathetic and
disappointing — err, I mean ordinary
— their lives have turned out. They have
accepted the fact that they aren’t going to write the great
American novel, or even a memorable Tweet, that they will never
have that summer cottage on Cape Cod, and that their daughters all
married knuckleheads. And that’s okay.
Also, old people are happier because they no longer
care about the nonsense younger people care about: i.e.,
ambition, popularity, looks, material goods, pleasing supposedly
important people. In fact, they don’t care about much of anything.
I already don’t care about those things, so I’m off to a good
start.
None of this means old folks are not thoroughly
disgusted with today’s youth. Other research
shows that old fogies get a boost of self-esteem reading negative
articles about young people, because, basically, everything in
popular culture and TV is aimed at them, except Matlock,
and they had to go and cancel that.
That’s good news too. It means one can be old and
happy and still enjoy watching young people get their comeuppance.
In fact, I’m feeling happier just thinking about
it.
