The American Spectator : An Authentic Christmas

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An Authentic Christmas

By Christopher Orlet on 12.23.10 @ 6:07AM

In praise of real Christmas trees.

Last week the New York Times reported that "well over 50 million artificial Christmas trees will grace living rooms and dens this season…compared to about 30 million real trees."

If you are like me, "grace" is not a verb that comes readily to mind when you think of artificial trees.

I can't remember the last time I had a real tree, though it was doubtless during the Carter Administration. On principle, I desire genuineness and authenticity, not phoniness, which is why -- come to think of it -- I was no fan of the Carter Administration. It's also why I never warmed to the idea of a fake tree.

Even as kids we longed for authenticity, and our maturing sensibilities were offended by even the idea of an artificial tree. It was, however, our insistence on an authentic Christmas experience that would eventually backfire on us.

It was early December, in the mid-Seventies. After considerable lobbying on my behalf, my father conceded to drive us kids to one of those Christmas tree farms where -- for a rather large fee -- the farmer allows you to saw down your own tree, lug it a quarter of a mile through the slop, and tie it onto the roof of your car, all while said farmer stands idly by roasting himself by a fire, licking his thumb and counting his profits.

Needless to say, it was great fun for us kids. My father took it all with his usual forbearance, at least till we got home and the tree was found to be infested with hundreds of bugs -- hungry, blood sucking pests that had been awakened (and were none too happy about it) by the dry, warminess of our living room fireplace. The tree was immediately and unceremoniously dumped in the alley, and, next day, replaced with an artificial one.

And what a poor excuse for a tree it was. Today's nine-foot, eighty-pound, pre-lit downswept faux Hunter firs might be mistaken for the real McCoy, but, in the 1970s, artificial trees resembled nothing so much as broomsticks pockmarked with drill holes into which one joylessly jammed anemic wire branches.

This time, our protests fell on deaf ears. "You can get a real tree when you move out," said mother, who had earlier placed the same restrictions, first on a dog, and, later, on a motorcycle.

SOMEHOW, WE NEVER quite got around to it. Not the dog, not the motorcycle, not even the tree. The years passed, we went away to college, moved into our own slacker/bachelor pads. When the holidays came around, we'd think, "What do I need a tree for? I'll just spend Christmas with the folks. They'll have a tree. Not a real one, god knows. One of them pre-lit, downswept Hunter firs, but a tree nonetheless."

And so it goes. Then one day you look up and you are middle-aged and engaged, and your fiancée is saying, "Wouldn't it be fun to get a real Christmas tree?" You can tell by her look that it's not really a question so much as test of your suitability, compatibility, and mind-reading ability.

Which brings us up to Friday night, when the future Mrs. Orlet and I went tree shopping.

Every holiday season, Boy Scout Troop #6 sponsors a Christmas tree stand in the parking lot of St. Pius Church. Who knew? It's a fine, well-fenced-in tree lot, evidently to keep at bay all those Grinchy Christmas tree thieves. (I didn't even know we had boy scout troops in the inner-city, but I guess learning survival skills makes even more sense here.)

It was a week before Christmas and there were maybe fifteen trees left. We found one that stood about five feet tall, and wasn't too Charlie Brown looking, and gave the troop leader $40, which he claimed would go toward a camping trip -- presumably outside the city limits. Then the scouts --many of them with sub-Sahara African accents -- wrestled over who got to throw the pine into the back of the pickup. Then we drove home happily humming carols.

When we got home we cracked open a bottle of wine and decorated our first real Christmas tree together. It's a good looking tree, if I do say so myself. Well worth the effort and expense. So what if the majority of people prefer fake trees? I find that, like J.W. Goethe, I rather like being on the margins. Germany's greatest writer once claimed that everything great and intelligent is in the minority. I'm guessing he would have preferred a real tree, too.

About the Author

Christopher Orlet writes every Thursday from St. Louis.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (21) | Leave a comment

Appleby| 12.23.10 @ 6:18AM

We who live in high-rise buildings are generally forbidden to have real trees because they are a fire hazard. Besides, the Greenies hate them because (1) you have to kill them before you bring them home; and (2) most Greenies believe in order to not remind anybody of Christmas, a tree must be purple and made of tin foil. In fact the gayer your Holiday decorating is, the less anybody will think you are actually celebrating anything except maybe how you stuck your thumb in the eye of your parents when you bought the stupid thing.

My tree is artificial but it is green and it is decorated mainly with ornaments I was given by people who made them for me. And I am celebrating Christmas, by the way. I hope you are too.

Eric Cartman| 12.23.10 @ 11:53AM

I'm sick of Christmas, and I hate those religious Christmas carols.

All I like is "Jingle Bell Rock." Now that's a jumpty tune gets my fingers to snapping.

Ordered me a Hoveround and the commercial said Medicare would pay for it. Lyers!

Ray| 12.23.10 @ 11:58AM

"We who live in high-rise buildings are generally forbidden to have real trees because they are a fire hazard."

I've head that before and it has always amazed me. It's not like a plastic tree isn't as flammable as a properly watered real Tree. The biggest difference is that the smoke from a real tree won't kill you in under 30 seconds. You can't say the same of a "modern" plastic Christmas Tree.

Ken (Old Texican)| 12.23.10 @ 9:32AM

Appleby,
It has been a delight reading your thought this year. Thank you for joining the conversations.
To you,
and all my fellow conversationalists here, play the halleluja chorus at least once on you-tube, and have a merry merry Christmas.

Richard Baker| 12.23.10 @ 10:01AM

Gents:
The best Christmas trees I ever had were the ones I cut myself on Mr. Connors property years ago atop Bent Mountain, Virginia. Live in Florida now and have one of those artificial trees, as well. Regardless, Y'all have a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I've enjoyed reading your posts during the year.

Matt Morehouse| 12.23.10 @ 10:19AM

Early in each year The Wife walks the property, staff in hand, pistol in pocket, with Bucky our Black Lab. Their mission is to select the next Christmas tree for our home in the city. She tags it with a bright yellow ribbon.

Later that year, after Thanksgiving I fire up the chainsaw and harvest it. Now, these Douglas Fir trees are never perfect but The Wife works her magic and they always look great in our living room.

No way, with two hundred acres of trees, are we ever going to buy a plastic tree.

L. Ross| 12.23.10 @ 11:46AM

I remember as a kid in Seattle, my mother and I went over the hill to get a Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. Looked around and around the lot, could not find a soul there. We assumed they had given up on tree sales, so we grabbed the biggest, prettiest one there, decorated the tree, and took it down the next day.

Steve in Pittsburgh| 12.23.10 @ 1:15PM

That's all well 'n good. But a real tree brings real allergens (and possibly real bugs) into your home. And if you have pets, be careful.

Matt Morehouse| 12.24.10 @ 10:03AM

So get out the hand sanitizer and were a surgical mask. My god, wimp, do you ever go out of your house, to walk in the forest? To hunt? To fish? To shoot?

William R. Barker| 12.23.10 @ 1:18PM

We've always gotten a real tree from the Christmas Tree farm... until now!

This year we "out greened" ourselves! We bought a potted live tree from Home Depot for a discounted $19.99 plus tax and when it's time to "retire" the tree we'll simply find a spot to plant it!

Merry Christmas!

BILL

MoeBlotz| 12.24.10 @ 4:12PM

If youse are living in a cooler climate,make sure you slowly acclimate your conifer to the freezing outside temperature by placing it in the cold briefly and back inside. Gradually increase the cold exposure until the tree will survive where you choose to plant it. If you plant your tree immediately where the temperature is autumn or winter level,the sap in the branches will freeze and the tree will die.

Harrison| 12.23.10 @ 1:19PM

People want to celebrate re-birth by putting a dead tree in their house then dumping it like trash after. Why not get a live tree and plant it when you're done?

MoeBlotz| 12.24.10 @ 4:17PM

Disposing of a dead tree is OK as long as you hug it when you throw it out.

Margie| 12.25.10 @ 6:33PM

LOL!
Or they could reincarnate it by using it for mulch, too.

Kathy| 12.23.10 @ 6:31PM

Love, love , love a real tree!! But, No.2 son is highly allergic. SO, no real tree for me.

Tom of the Missouri| 12.23.10 @ 7:31PM

I am another middle aged guy and one who just got separated a few months ago and unfortunately this year I don't have a tree or even much furniture let alone a long term fiance. I just moved into an empty condo in a complex I own just up the street from your St. Pius Christmas tree lot after being recently forced out of my previous 6 bedroom house in the county.

You make my Christmas more enoyable though with yet another colorful description of St. Louis - in this case the rambunctious sub-Saharan accented Christmas tree lot helpers. That is the South St. Louis I know. When I first moved here in the 80's just after the end of the Carter administration I often visited friends who lived in this area and always commented to them on how the area seemed like a real life Fellini movie. I think it wonderfully even more so today with all its quirky diversity.

If I am still here next year I will forgo an artificial tree and for sure get my tree from the African boys at St. Pius.

Merry Christmas to all.

Horny Goat Weed| 12.24.10 @ 8:11PM

Great stuff, Ive always wanted a real tree but we have always had an artificial one at our family home, I think when I get my own tree it will be a real one as we had real ones at school and I miss that smell so much.

Northern Rebel| 12.24.10 @ 8:48PM

I've been offline, due to technical difficulties, but I wanted to find a way to get on long enough to say Merry Christmas to all the great Constitutional Conservatives who I've shared opinions and comments with in the past, especially Old Texican, Margie, and all the other great Americans who believe we live in the greatest bastion of freedom, in human history.

Y'All are doing the Lord's work, and may the new year bring you the prosperity that "President" Maobama is attempting to destroy.

Hopefully, I'll be back online soon.

'Till then, :o)