October became a ghost, but AmSpec did not close until we could report on the first week in November and the delightful midterm elections that saw Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid returned to the Senate with minuscule edge on the Republicans. He will do no harm, and his rebarbative persona will remain before the American people until election night 2012. Otherwise the nation went Republican, conservative Republican. Twelve governorships fell to the Republicans and hundreds of state legislative seats, which along with the governorships that were already in GOP hands give them a huge say in redrawing congressional districts for a decade. What was that about conservatism being dead a year or so ago? Finally, the House of Representatives went Republican by the greatest margin in two generations. President Barack Obama fled the country, but the greatest surprise is from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who is promising to stay. Whether she intends to remain Speaker of the House or just Minority Leader is unclear at this writing. Yet she did say that “Our work is far from finished” and “We have no intention of allowing our great achievements to be rolled back.” So maybe she will insist on being Speaker, or perhaps she plans to hold a sit-in. Whatever the case, no Capitol Hill police officer wants to be near the metal detector when she comes through.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was about as far from Washington as possible during the election, visiting the Pacific Rim, there were fearsome omens. As she was concluding a visit to Papua New Guinea, a 6.0 magnitude earthquake struck, and on her next stop in Christchurch, New Zealand, the earth began quaking even as she landed, owing to an aftershock from a 7.0 magnitude earthquake in September. She told CBS she has no plans to run in 2012 or 2016, but there is always the possibility of a coup. In her first vote as a Supreme Court justice, Miss Elena Kagan voted with the minority to stay the execution of Mr. Jeffrey Landrigan on the grounds that the lethal injection prepared for him may not be safe. Congratulations are in order for Mr. Graham Baker, who transformed an onanistic disorder into the stuff of fame by getting his navel lint collection to qualify him for the Guinness Book of World Records. Over a 26-year period he collected 22.1 grams of the imperishable material.
The Commonwealth Games opened in New Delhi, India, with thousands of condoms clogging the drains of the Commonwealth village. “If that is happening, it shows that there is use of condoms and I think that is a very positive sign. Athletes are being responsible,” said Commonwealth Games Federation president Mr. Mike Fennell, who went on to say, “We all know that encouraging safe sex is a very important thing to do” — especially in international sport! The free distribution of condoms to athletes began in the Barcelona Olympics in 1992. Since then it has skyrocketed. At the Sydney Olympics 70,000 condoms were snapped up, causing the organizers to provide 20,000 more. The number of condoms distributed doubled in 2004 at the Athens Olympics, though no toilets were clogged. Even at the Beijing Olympics 100,000 condoms were distributed, and China is a Communist country. At the 2012 Olympics in London the condom program could be extended to include spectators, and possibly intercourse will even be included in the gymnastics program. It is all very exciting. In Holland, Mr. Geert Wilders, who will become a shadow member of the next Dutch government, if he suffers no ill effects from legal proceedings, went on trial for calling Holy Islam “fascist” and comparing the sacred Koran to Mein Kampf, whose author, the late Mr. Adolf Hitler, actually rather liked Islam. Mr. Wilders could always claim his reference to Mein Kampf was a compliment. The former Miss Czech Republic, Miss Diana Kobzanova, roused the wrath of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals for posing topless while chopping the head off a pig. What does Holy Islam think of that? Pig chopping, yes; appearing in public without a burka, no! Miss Kobzanova could follow Mr. Wilders to the scaffold.
The government of Italy’s prime minister Silvio Berlusconi is in trouble. Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi of Milan is its latest critic, declaring, “We need to speak out against serious damage to a society bombarded by perturbing and hedonistic messages that treat everything as loaded jokes and amusement.” An obvious reference, that, to Mr. Berlusconi’s dalliance with Miss Ruby (last name unknown), age 17, who was arrested after she attended a party at the prime minister’s residence. Miss Ruby now stands accused of prostitution and possessing large sums of money and expensive gifts for which she had no receipts. She is from Morocco and Mr. Berlusconi admits he tried to spring her from the hoosegow because he is a “man of the heart.” Another man of the heart has been arrested in Bundamba, Australia, for tattooing a 16-inch penis onto a chap’s back unbeknownst to him, along with a misspelled slogan that implies the man is gay and capable of indecent acts. According to Detective Constable Paul Malcolm, “The bloke started doing the tattoo and there was another bloke standing there watching saying, ‘Mate, it’s looking really good.’” Apparently “bloke” is an Australian slang term meaning mental defective.
There is more presidential news. In Nairobi, Kenya, President Obama’s half-brother, Mr. Malik Obama, has taken as his lawful wedded wife a woman 30 years younger than he. The two wanted to get married two years ago when the bride would have been 17, but her mother would not allow it. As it is, the mother is even now very angry; and it does not help that Mr. Obama already has two wives and many household pets. The 52-year-old Mr. Obama, an observant polygamist of the Muslim faith, is also a practicing philatelist and occasional lepidopterist. And there is more news from Holy Islam. In London a gay Saudi prince, his royal highness Prince Saud Bin Abdulaziz Bin Nasir al Saud, or Buzzy for short, beat and strangled his male servant to death in a frenzy of romance and passion and unsafe sex that left his suite at the Landmark Hotel a shambles. He was sentenced to life interment and no visits from his staff. Meanwhile, back in the United States, the Council of American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) issued a statement that pork is the weapon of choice in hate crimes against Muslims after the word “PIG” and “CHUMP” were spelled out in front of a Florence, South Carolina, mosque.
Finally, there seems to be growing dissent from North Korea’s intellectual class at the tyrant Mr. Kim Jong Il’s nomination of his youngest son, Mr. Kim Jong Un, to succeed him. Led by Mr. Kim’s 39-year-old son, Mr. Jong Nam, who has repeatedly tried to get into Tokyo’s Disneyland on a false passport, the dissent will probably fizzle. Mr. Kim governs with an iron champagne bottle, as the saying has it. Yet Mr. Kim Jong Nam is not to be taken lightly. If he actually could get into Disneyland and perhaps ride the roller coaster without throwing up, possibly the regime is not as strong as has been thought. Stay tuned.