Once again, I must take exception to my hometown being named
America’s most violent city. And when I find out who’s responsible
I’m going to break their kneecaps.
Sure, St. Louis’s crime rates
look bad on paper, but these days who reads the paper? The fact is,
you have to try really hard to get murdered in St. Louis. You can’t
just sit in your foxhole watching television and expect someone to
go out of his way to kill you. St. Louisans are much too busy for
that. At the very least you have to step outside to check the mail.
My point is, it’s no picnic being the most dangerous city. It takes
the cooperation of a lot of thugs and naive innocent victims, not
to mention decades of bad policy ideas, to get this messed
up.
I could show you parts of St. Louis that are still
relatively safe, and by relatively safe I mean your armored Humvee
can still scale the piles of corpses in the streets without tipping
over. I’ve lived in one of the more dangerous neighborhoods of the
city off and on for a year now, and I haven’t once been mugged,
knifed, or shot at. True, my car has been broken into and my rear
window shot out, but this was done matter-of-factly, not violently
— and we’re talking violent crime here — so that doesn’t
count.
People ask me, what’s it like living in America’s most
dangerous city? Well, it’s a lot like living in your
hometown, only your neighbors, instead of inviting you over for
barbecue and beer, are waiting in the bushes to cut your throat for
you.
St. Louisans are rightly proud that tens of thousands of
refugees from the Bosnian War and the conflict in Darfur immigrated
here in recent years. And only a handful have been indiscriminately
murdered since resettling in the city. Nothing like the thousands
that were indiscriminately slaughtered back in Eastern Europe and
Africa. And just because a few have fled back to their burned-out
villages where it’s safer doesn’t mean that all the
immigrants feel that way.
ACTUALLY, ST. LOUIS has been designated America’s most
dangerous city so many times it hardly registers a yawn. The city
is even thinking of adopting a new slogan: “Custom will reconcile
people to any atrocity.” Gunshots outside your living room windows?
Just turn up the volume on the TV. Car windows smashed on a regular
basis? Invest in an auto glass repair shop. You’ll make millions.
Then you can afford to move to the suburbs.
Not surprisingly, our elected officials are becoming
expert at downplaying this dubious distinction. The criteria are
all wrong, they say. Lists are bad and irresponsible ways to think
about urban living, they say. Unless the lists are good news. Then
we’ll feature them on our tourist brochures. Besides, we have the
awesome Gateway Arch you can gaze upon while you’re waiting for the
paramedics to arrive.
The good news for us St. Louisans is that crime has gone
down in the city each year since 2007. Today there are only 2,000
crimes per 100,000 residents. This is also good news for last
year’s most dangerous city, Camden, New Jersey. Unlike St.
Louisans, Camdenites actually want the title. “Hell ya, we’re
dangerous and violent, and don’t you forget it!” One can imagine
the news wasn’t being taken well down at The Bada
Bing:
Hey Boss, you see dis? Camden ain’t da most dangerous city
no mores.
Who sez? You tellin’ me a bunch of mopes from Missouri tink
dey’re better than us? Tell Johnny Pork Chops to gas up the Caddy,
we’re going for a little ride.
Frankly, Camden can have the title. It’s a lot of effort
being Murder City, USA. Can’t we just be America’s fattest city
instead? Why should Corpus Christi have all the food and the fun?
I’d even settle for the title of dumbest city, which is now proudly
held by Las Vegas. Being the dumbest city wouldn’t take any effort
at all. In fact, it takes the opposite of effort. I’m forgetting
drunkest city, an honor now held by Fresno. Heck, let’s shoot for
the trifecta: drunkest, fattest and most stupid…
Why not? I think I speak for most St. Louisans when I say
we’d rather be drunk, fat and stupid than dead.
