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The Nation's Pulse
Getting the Right Grope
The transgendered never had it so good.
I got an e-mail the other day from a transgendered group about their special problems with the new naked pictures and federal groping at the airports.
“You have the right to have manual search procedures performed by an officer who is of the same gender as the gender you are currently presenting yourself as,” explained NCTE, the National Center for Transgender Equality.
Given the differences between individuals regarding the frequency and severity of mood swings, etc., I suppose the gender identity that one is “currently presenting yourself as” could be something that switches by the decade, year, month, or even the day or hour.
The government might think that’s all a little too subjective, with the very basics about a person in flux, but why not? Let’s say your junk, as it’s now referred to, is the same as that of the top scorers in the NFL but you depart from the left coast on the way to grandma’s house for some Christmas turkey feeling all revved up and happy but also unusually frilly. So off you go to the airport as a sharp girl, dressed by Prada.
Flying home after spending a week where they’re still clinging to their mud boots, holy books and military-style hunting rifles, let’s say you’re now feeling much more in touch with your original equipment and you head off to the airport in a rented Jeep and dressed up in what www.thinkfashion.com calls the “new line of badass gear for men!” from Tommy Hilfiger.
So everything’s different for this flight home, more macho, and now you belong in the men’s line for an officially prescribed same-gender pat down by a male? Not necessarily. NCTE says you have the right to be groin searched by “an officer who is of the same gender you are currently presenting yourself as,” but there’s also this from NCTE about the fluidity of the whole matter: “This does not depend on the gender listed on your ID, or on any other factor. If TSA officials are unsure who should pat you down, ask to speak to a supervisor and calmly insist on the appropriate officer.”
The “any other factor” means that the correct gender line for the federal stroking and patting is determined by the individual passenger, not a government agent. So someone trapped in a body with male junk, dressed in Hilfiger’s most macho gear, can still get in the women’s line as a female and get a female groper. The passenger could point out, correctly, that there are plenty of female deer hunters in plaid shirts with their own guns who drink Yuengling straight out of the bottle.
Or, given that this is America, not Iran, you can change lanes if your self-identity changes while you’re stuck in line. It’s “the gender you are currently presenting yourself as” standard, no time limits, no quotas on gender changing, where your correct place in line for a same-sex pat down is not determined or made inflexible by way of clothes, hair style, ID, original junk, or “any other factor.”
Some people might not like all this switching, but for those who are especially oscillating, the body they’re comfortable in can change after four or five Jack Daniel’s in the airport lounge. They walk in as Tom Cruise in Top Gun and end up looking at the jets and humming Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Wings.”
As for NCTE’s recommendation about acting “calmly” during all the groping, how calm can they expect a female agent to be if she’s in the middle of patting and exploring the groin of a passenger, a “female” who is actually a male who’s “presenting” himself as a woman, and she stumbles onto what feels like a hidden tube of explosives in the fancy Prada undies? I can picture the instantaneous and instinctive fear on the agent’s face, her startled yelp and the subsequent stampede.
I asked three of my retired buddies at Starbucks the other morning, males, if they’d rather be patted down by a man or a woman at the airport and they all said without a moment’s hesitation that they’d rather the opposite sex do the job. One added that “she should be a Catholic girl” — more trustworthy, I guess, after the years of guilt infusions, to not go the whole way.
As it’s turned out, those poor guys don’t have a choice. It’s only those lucky devils in the transgendered community who get to pick. For the rest of us, for those who’ve stuck with the original program, who see junk as the determinant of behavior, it’s now simply a matter of obediently getting into the correct gender line and patiently waiting for the next command from the government loudspeakers.
About the Author
Ralph R. Reiland is the B. Kenneth Simon professor of free enterprise and an associate professor of economics at Robert Morris University in Pittsburgh.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (31) | Leave a comment
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Fubar Akbar| 12.1.10 @ 7:29AM
Stalag 747
Bill G.| 12.2.10 @ 7:14AM
BAPFU!
LindaF | 12.1.10 @ 7:38AM
This is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen:
- the groped who object to the gender of the groper
- the groper who objects to the factual gender of the gropee
- the GLBT TSA groper who sues because their "preference" doesn't trump the biology
- the GLBT gropee who sues because their assigned groper is GLBT, and presumably gets off on it
JmsA| 12.1.10 @ 2:04PM
There's a lot groping, and some slick willy lawyah is going to make it stick.
dan| 12.1.10 @ 8:07AM
titillating!
"...she should be a catholic girl"! Hilarious.
to quote coulter on hannity: "can I have a cigarette afterwards?'
Andrew B| 12.1.10 @ 8:25AM
The only up-side I see to our looming economic collapse is that, when everyone is struggling merely to find food for their family, nobody will have time for this sort of nonsense. Many of our modern "preferences", like gender identity roulette, will disappear when the question becomes "Can I afford enough rice for my children?"
Not much of a silver lining, but I'll take what I can get.
Lawrence of Lutz| 12.1.10 @ 8:31AM
And....you thought the movie "Airplane" was a comedy.
Louis Jenkins| 12.1.10 @ 8:35AM
Andrew B:
An economic collapse? I'm almost dead sure it will happen. The gender identity will become a way of the past, much like vegetarianism. We will eat what we can get and be thankful. Traveling on a plane? The stuff history is made of. And TSA lines? Yes, they will still be there, but of a smaller nature. It will be good in some respects- we'll be closer to the earth-literally.
Ken| 12.1.10 @ 8:46AM
If it's all in what I claim to be at the moment, can I decide to be the other "gender" if their line is shorter?
Texas Mom 2012| 12.1.10 @ 8:53AM
My husband and some of my close friends fly regularly for business and none of them object to the screenings and pat downs, I couldn't believe it. So I questioned them more closely. None of them have to get the pat downs. Well, I do every time. I have a knee replacement and an ankle fused. I generally fly a least once a year. I have previously only gotten the lovely back of the hand treatment. I find it quite humiliating as was the former method of the metal detector wand. But my understanding is that my next (and possibly last) flight will require the xray scanner which I object to merely because I have already had hundreds of x-rays in my life and would prefer to avoid unnecessary exposure. But now I object because I understand if anything shows up on the screen (like a metal knee!) that I will then also get the full hand job palm pat down ANYWAY! If that is true I see no need to go through the machine if it doesn't allow me the 'privilege' of avoiding another groping by the o-so-competent (never catching a single terrorist) o-so-wonderful TSA... If they do not come up with a method of prescreening, maybe through a security company who insures the passenger is a non risk... Then I guess the trip we have planned next year for our 25 anniversary and our 50th birthdays will have to be via car. In a big old gas guzzling SUV!
abodyofminds| 12.1.10 @ 10:00AM
If you had flown Nov.24th you may have found many of the new devices and feel-ups non-existent. TSA knew they were under the spotlight and decided to avoid further scrutiny on the busiest travel day hoping this issue will lose its momentum.
Gunner Asch| 12.1.10 @ 9:25AM
I thought this was stacking up to be a very dull day until coming across this one.
Doctor Right| 12.1.10 @ 9:51AM
The term 'transgendered", like the term "sex change" is a joke.
There is NO such thing as a "sex change". You can change the appearance of your genitals and your secondary sex characteristics, you can even remove your gonads, but your DNA doesn't lie.
A female is always a female and a male is always a male.
It would be nice if the desire to change one's gender/sex was perceived as it rightly should be: a mental illness.
noname| 12.2.10 @ 3:33PM
Thanks, good Doctor. Problem solved: Just a simple DNA test before you fly. And here we thought a groping was intrusive...
Seriously, can't they just get a dog to sniff your crotch instead?
Ned the Red| 12.1.10 @ 9:55AM
What if your, as Archie Bunker used to say, "A little bit of each and not enough of either?"
mujalan| 12.1.10 @ 10:43AM
And what about the other side of the coin: Do you want to be a man "felt up" by a "gay" man? Or a woman "felt up" by a "lesbian"???
Pete| 12.1.10 @ 11:04AM
So can you or can't you choose at the airport? If I go through security with my wife and 3 kids, do I need two clip on earrings to switch lines or can I simply declare that I feel like a chick at the moment?
And why don't the gropers have to declare what gender they are feeling like on the day? Liberals have tried to teach us not to judge anyone by how they look or act, so how do we know if we are walking into a molestation situation where a gay screener is getting a cheap thrill?
Steve A| 12.1.10 @ 11:16AM
I have a question: What if the TSA agent is "transgender" male posing as a female or vice versa?? Does it also get to choose who it wants to grope. Perhaps they can alternate days groping males / females depending on mood. The big problem comes in when you get the trans TSA agent & the trans passenger. Whop gets the final say? It's kinda like that situation where you had the switch hitter in baseball vs. the kid who could throw both righty & lefty. The hitter would get in the box lefty & the pitcher would switch his glove. This could go on indefinitely. What a country! I'm officialy done with flying anyway so I could really care less.
Dave Thomson| 12.1.10 @ 11:38AM
TSA = scratch and sniff
Ned the Red| 12.1.10 @ 1:01PM
I am sure the Japanese could come up with a robot to perform this job. He could be called the JunkBot.
Model him on the original "Lost in Space" robot. When he finds something suspicious instead of yelling "Danger Will Robinson", he could sound off with "Danger Big Sis, Danger."
Dixie Pixie| 12.1.10 @ 2:22PM
Never forget security procedures have a tendency to metastasize.
It was not long after 911 that Federal institutions started to resemble armed encampments.
The theory being Al Qaeda would soon start attacking Federal installations.
So look for the TSA procedures to start showing up at other Federal locations soon.
Stuart Koehl| 12.1.10 @ 3:35PM
It's a status thing. No government agency or office wants to admit it's too insignificant to be worth a truck bomb, or even a suicide belter, so they fill out the requisition, get the metal detectors, the X-ray machine and the security guards to prove that they are, indeed, relevant.
Mel Torme| 12.1.10 @ 5:43PM
That is a damn good point, Stuart. I can just imagine the Assistant to the Regional Manager of the local field Division of the Office of Management and Budget, on the phone with Washington: "Hey, are you dissin, us man, we're an impotent office here! All we axe for is the respeck we deserve! I don't want anyone to come up to MY FLOOR who hasn't been felt up by at least two people, and I want them to come up heah with no shoes and their belt unbuckled. We got families, ya know?"
Dixie Pixie| 12.1.10 @ 8:47PM
Those are good points gentlemen.
I just remember a far different America.
During the deepest depths of the Cold War it was a matter of pride that America was a Open Society. It was the Soviets which was the militarized society. America was the Free Society which did not fear its citizens, so the citizens need not fear its government. It was a matter of honor that any citizen could walk into any government office and talk to any governmental personal without restriction.
When I was young, my school group went on the classic Washington field trip to see the Federal Government in action. After talking to our Representative he suggested we visit the White House. He simply called over to the White House to make the arrangements and sent one of his Congressional aides to guide us. The President himself met us at the entryway. After a few minutes conversation he was called away. We then had a tour of the White House. It was the highlight of the trip.
At no time during the trip did I see any hint of security. No pat downs, no magnetometers, no uniformed guards anywhere. A person could go anywhere and talk to anyone. It was a time when one felt safe because the multilevel security systems did not exist.
Now walk into any governmental facility and one can get the impression nuclear weapons are being stored there. The local IRS operations center now has more security than a 1970's nuclear bunker. The Federal government now acts more like an occupying army. Fear begets Fear.
Personally, I would like my old America back. All the new security systems are not making us safer. It is causing a major backlash. Let us just junk ALL the security. America is big enough to take a hit now and then. Let our enemies also learn America is big enough to hit back hard when attacked.
Oldefarte| 12.1.10 @ 3:07PM
Maybe the airport screeners should all be supplied with Louisville Slugger dildos for inspecting the LGBT crowd??????????
Kris Lepine| 12.1.10 @ 5:00PM
Loved this post. Wish I'd had you for a professor.
I've already decided, as soon as they allow Muslims thru without a scan or a pat down, I'm going to shop for one of those head scarfs? Are they called a haditha?? It makes sense doesn't it with this administration? We know Muslims are the ones trying to kill us, so they'll exclude them from the process any day now! I may also have to darken my skin and dye my hair black, but it'll be worth it.
Mel Torme| 12.1.10 @ 5:46PM
It's not quite as easy as you make it sound, Kris. What I mean is: you're going to have to grow hair on the backs of your hands, grow your eyebrows across your whole face, ditch all of your soap, and learn to cough up phlegm as part of everyday conversation.
Other than that, good plan.
Pat| 12.1.10 @ 6:16PM
Obama’s advisors are worried about this TSA issue – more airport security was supposed to make Americans feel safer flying, create more government jobs and definitely, most definitely, not give millions of voters another issue to gripe about. So, the White House has clamped a tight lid on snippy TSA comebacks when the Agency is criticized – us Americans don’t have to fly according to TSA spokespersons but Greyhound and Amtrak don’t make regular runs to Hawaii or Europe – that is at least until next year when ‘Stimulus Bill – the Sequel’ is unveiled along with generous funding for underwater, high-speed rail.
Obama’s new Airport Security Advisor, retired colonel Pat Anfeelmeup, is rolling out a “Love My TSA” ad campaign which will run during the Super Bowl. Additionally, many average Americans developing serious lower back pain sitting in coach resent the fact Obama jokingly admitted he, Michele and the girls have never had to pass through one of those “show me like it is” scanners or are remotely familiar with the security term “pat down”. “All that is about to change”, at least according to Colonel Anfeelmeup.
All high officials within Obama’s administration (except for Air Force One passengers like the Obamas) and members of Congress will now be required to pass through normal airport security just like their constituents do. However, for national security reasons, there are some exceptions for high government officials in the standard screening procedure.
For example, all Senators and those members of the House who chair committees can legally order their aides or their interns to pass through the body scanners in their place. Should a “pat down” be necessary, the aid’s body will be “officially” felt up while the Senator or member of the House stands nearby ready to offer any explanations should the TSA officer have questions. We should all feel good (no pun intended) about this new “no exceptions” approach - democracy in action, ain’t it great?
Hugh G. Rection| 12.1.10 @ 8:42PM
I can't wait for my next flight. I love the TSA.
Mike M| 12.1.10 @ 9:53PM
Always remember to look your groper in the eye, smile and ... wink.
funeral urns | 12.7.10 @ 4:27AM
Meaning full post i like it ,it was worth reading..