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The Nation's Pulse
Deer Magnet
An ode to deer season and auto repair.
It’s deer season here in the Midwest, and once again I’m missing out on all the fun: the campfire camaraderie, the dazzling displays of skill, and the kind of Olympic-sized hangover that makes you swear off drinking for forever or until next weekend, whichever comes first. This is becoming an annual tradition with me, this not going hunting. It is an admission I am loath to make at a time when even conservative women are expected to go out and bag their annual moose.
Normally one becomes a huntsman by following in one’s father’s footsteps. My dad’s footsteps, however, were pretty much limited to diamonds and hardwood. He preferred the largely bloodless sports of baseball and basketball, while my hunter-gatherer grandfather considered those sports an unmanly waste of one’s time. What was the point of sport unless something died a horrible, painful death? This was pretty much granddad’s philosophy of life. Hell, you should at least get to feed the losing side to the wolves.
Old granddad was right, in his own loveable, psychopathic way. Hunting and fishing are two of the few activities fathers and sons are permitted to share without it looking like that’s what they’re doing. It’s a way to bond and still have plausible denial. “Bonding? Hell no. We’re just killing things.”
I grew up in an industrial town and never even saw a wild animal larger than a gopher till I was well into my twenties. These days deer are everywhere, as numerous as squirrels, only instead of homesteading in your attic, deer prefer to put up stakes on the lawn and look statuesque. Just glance out your window and you’ll see a herd of them eating your wife’s pansies. They aren’t the least skittish either. There are too many of them. They know they have us outnumbered.
THERE WAS A TIME when I considered hunting a cruel, sadistic sport. Killing a stately deer was like strangling a swan, only not so dangerous. Besides, what kind of person took pleasure in killing beautiful things? A psycho, that’s who.
That was then. Now I’m all for killing deer. The more, the better. In fact, I’ve killed two deer within the past two years. Both times with the front end of my car.
The first time I “took” a deer was around 1 a.m. on a lonely stretch of road in Washington County, Illinois. You’re driving along peacefully, about to nod off, and the next thing you know there’s a giant pillow in your face and your whole front end is missing. My Chevy just managed to limp home, its headlights dangling loose like eyeballs ripped from their sockets.
The next time was at dusk on Highway 255. I had just crossed the Mississippi River Bridge into Missouri. There is a veterans’ cemetery nearby that is a haven for deer. One of them must have decided, haven or no haven, I’m getting out of this creepy cemetery. He’d gotten halfway across the highway and run smack into the divider. It was the end of the line, so he turned back. That was where I came in. I wasn’t expecting a two-hundred-and-fifty-pound buck to come steaming at me from the middle of a divided highway.
He took off the whole front end of my car.
Moments later, as my ruined Chevy sat on the roadside, dead as a gopher, a pickup rolled up and a couple of good old boys asked if I was all right. What they really wanted to know was whether I was going to keep the buck. I sat behind the wheel dazed, muttering, no, please God, not again. I can’t take it.
“Cause if you don’t want it —”
“Just take it,” I snapped.
The next morning I had my car towed to Al’s Auto Body. “You better get a hunting license,” said Al.
Al did an adequate job, but after so many front-end collisions my car pretty much shakes and rattles like a gopher in a washing machine. Next time I hit a deer, I’m going to let the good old boys have the deer and the car.
So, yeah. As far as I’m concerned the hunters can shoot and kill and maim every last single deer out there. If I had a gun, I would join them. In fact, maybe I will buy a gun. It’s a lot cheaper than auto repair.
About the Author
Christopher Orlet writes from St. Louis.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (27) | Leave a comment
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Ken (Old Texican)| 11.29.10 @ 6:57AM
Mr. Orlet,
Nice ending to your article, dumb-butt. (grin).
Now every criminal in the County knows where the safe pickings are.
Ken (Old Texican)| 11.29.10 @ 7:04AM
Mr. Orlet,
I was not kidding above. In your very next article I hope you will tell us you bought a pump shotgun, some shells.
Second: to do, but not talk about; buy two battery powered motion detectors, (about the size of a beer can), and figure out where to set them.
(Ideally on the far side of your morning coffee-pot from your bed and bath.)
Or just remain dumb and stupid.....
Paul Hilsenrath| 11.29.10 @ 7:06AM
The guy was lucky, a lot of folks die when they hit deer, elk, or moose, especially those on motorcycles.
There is a lady I work with who criticized Palin for authorizing deer hunts from the air to thin the herds. I wonder what her sentiments would be if it was her daughter coming home from college who hit the deer.
Just some random thoughts.
Paul H.
East Texas Rancher| 11.29.10 @ 7:30AM
Growing up in the Texas hill country growing and selling cattle and lease hunters, were the two incomes a rancher depended on. And the deer added bulk to the diet of beef. It was only after I was married that I ever tasted a pork chop. We used what pork we had to make ring sausage mixed with venison. A 50-50 mix, smoked, was good eating.
I never tired of listening to Dad's hunters (lease arrangement), tell stories about the one that got away. We hunted for additional meat in season, and it was not unheard of for our German neighbors to kill a deer out of season. My Dad never did, but neither did he begrudge our thrifty German neighbors from adding to their freezer out of season. He knew they fed many kids at their table.
My Dad had his share of taking out deer the way Mr. Orlet did. His most interesting "take out" meal, was a buck that ran across the highway and right into Dad's driver's door, breaking his neck, a few of his tines of horns, and leaving my Dad feeling like he was hit by an NFL linebacker.
In the 60's it wasn't unheard of for deer hit on the highway (and delivered fresh to the local "locker plant" to end up on school menus or in case of needy folks, in their freezers.) It was a multipurpose use and was appreciated. I still remember in the 1970's when the gov't in its "wisdom" put an end to that. Many poor who had benefited went hungry and the local school's menu lacked its decades old venison in its menus.
We still have to put our sausage in the freezer this winter for next year, so Mr. Orlet, if you can, give us E. Texan's a call the next deer you hit. My husband makes a 60/40 mix (60%venison and 40% pork) ring sausage, and has it double smoked. He loves the stuff and his mix makes his cholestral lower!
B. Gunn
E. Texas Rancher
donserge| 11.29.10 @ 8:51AM
Just recently completed a drive from ME to FL, which I had done many times previously. I witnessed the most dead deer I ever saw beside the road. Hunters, like myself, are more than willing to shoot them (humanely if possible) while in the woods but our numbers are dwindling. Why? Anti-hunting sentiment is routinely taught in government schools. Also, fewer parents are taking their children hunting. And....less private land is available to hunters. Other problems include high cost non-resident licenses in heavy populated deer states and folks like the writer before his 'conversion'.
Until these problems are addressed we will continue to have auto-deer contact.
KyMouse| 11.29.10 @ 9:19AM
Good article, Mr. Orlet.
I've mentioned this in the past, but I'll mention it again: I once met a woman who runs a shelter for wild animals that can't live in the wild any more; her "tenants" included a fawn that had been blinded by cropdusting, and a doe that had sustained some kind of injury.
I was surprised to hear her say that she wasn't against hunting at all. I remember her saying that "If a hunter or other predator doesn't kill them, a bot fly [?] will get into their ears and then into their brains, and the deer will walk around circles until they starve to death. Deer don't die in their beds."
russel| 11.29.10 @ 9:40AM
Well done Chris ! . Here in the Rockies , the Mule Deer have multiplied in concert with the size of farm and ranch land . Now we have your eastern hooved Rats , the Whitetail . The Game and Fish employ botanists now ( instead of what they used to be called - wardens ) . These non-wardens don't have a clue as to how many Deer now over run the land , hence we have a measly two week hunting season . That's a good one - get a hunting license if you drive . Thanks .
Deb| 11.29.10 @ 9:42AM
Amen, brother. I am the victim of both deer damage to my property and victim of a deer hitting my vehicle.
Bambi and his relatives are just "rats on hooves".
Go get 'em.
hunter| 11.29.10 @ 10:17AM
Deer are responsible for many more deaths than counted. A good portion of the 'no cause' night accidents, accidents ruling out alcohol, drugs, speeding etc. are caused by deer darting out unexpectedly causing drivers to swerve, running off the road. The deer industry has a good deal for them. The goverment hires game wardens, makes money from hunting liscense, its as joe bidon says "A big f...n deal". I wish I could start a herd of ohh say cattle, lettem run on public land at no cost to me, ohh and on your property eating any plant they may like to chomp on, wander around on the streets and highways, like in India, then we would see how well you like 'free range cattle' Ohh did I forget to mention the diseases associated with deer? Like deer tick fever? diseases that affect cattle and other high use animals. If you want deer, buy a few hundred acres, put up a 10' fence around it, and knock yourself out friend.
Connie| 11.29.10 @ 11:15AM
Recently my husband and I were traveling in North Dakota on a rainy, overcast day. It was mid-afternoon when a deer came out of a very deep ditch in a leap and we hit it. The deer only caused $7000 damage to our car but none to us thank God. When the hood was crinkling back towards the windshield and us, I thought we were going to be seriously injured. And, the fact is that we live in northern Minnesota where we have counted as many as 22 deer in a 45 mile drive at dusk. So we are constantly on alert for deer in the ditches - but, this one came out of nowhere and for the grace of God we were not injured. My husband is a deer hunter every fall and has been for over 45 years. The deer population is too large in many states.
molonlabe28| 11.29.10 @ 12:45PM
Yeah, unfortuantely I, too, will be doing most of my hunting next year due to my current workload.
But I sure would like to be hunting this year.
I may try to bag some coyotes, bobcats and copperheads on our farm after I get through the year end.
And the Ford Explorer (or your Chevy) is pretty much the weapon of choice to bag a deer these days.
Good article.
Chalkdust| 11.29.10 @ 2:46PM
Mr. Orlet I'm sorry, your "Ode" is stupid and trite.
You contend; Deer hunting is a contest of "sides" and an excuse to drink until you puke? a common concept of the idiot "side" of the human race, which considers any endeavor beyond their own shallow lives as a bunch of uneducated, blood thirsty psychos covered in blood.
Personally, I would have preferred your Ode more favoringly if you had started at the end and worked backward, stopping short of revealing who your wife's pansy was.
Interested Conservative| 11.29.10 @ 2:48PM
Apparently the pig is the most dangerous highway/vehicle collision danger - they'll flip a car, but most don't wander loose.
Moose are bad as well, sheer size, but not likely to "dart" onto a road.
As for deer, everywhere, at all times. Heck, we even had a cougar wander into a school playground here in Chicago a few years ago. It followed the deer down the train lines until it got lost in city neighborhoods. CPD had to get it.
kendall morse | 11.29.10 @ 3:34PM
Deer were here before you were. Wake up.
Jedi Clampett| 11.29.10 @ 9:18PM
So were mosquitos. Ever swat one? YOU wake up.
fungoking| 11.29.10 @ 3:36PM
Too many stories of car/deer accidents for them all to be random. The real story: Al-Qaeda trained suicide deer.
Deer really are rats with antlers. At one time Missouri’s deer herd was estimated at less than 400; now the estimate is 1.4 million, well minus around 200,000 after deer season.
George True| 11.29.10 @ 4:41PM
I never had the desire or interest to hunt deer, but always thought "more power to ya" to the ones who do and are successful. I especially respect bow hunters. To get close enough to get a shot takes some real hunting skill.
My first two years in college in Minnesota I lived in a fraternity house where a lot of the guys were rural farm boys who grew up hunting. We frequently dined on duck goose, and deer that they bagged in the afternoon after class.
My sister and I were the recipients of a road killed deer one winter outside Lawrence, KS. It broke its neck running into the side of an LKPD patrol car. It was hanging in our garage within the hour. Sis and her boyfriend and I butchered it the next day. We had venison steaks for awhile after that. Discovered that it is such lean meat that is is easy to overcook it. I can see how it would benefit greatly from the addition of ground pork as some on here have shared.
I have had several near misses with deer on highways. One time sis and I were headed to the Ozarks in the middle of the night when suddenly a doe and two fawn bounded into the road dead ahead. Even being alert and wide awake I had to stand on the brakes to stop just feet short of them. They remained frozen in the headlights for a few more seconds, then trotted away.
Another time in the middle of the night on a twisty narrow mountain road in West Virginia I came around a sharp curve there was a big buck. Again, had to stand on the brakes and missed him by what seemed inches.
Years earlier I had seen first hand the damage done to a brother in law's car in Minnesota from hitting a deer. It demolished the entire front end, and he was lucky to walk away uninjured. I guess that impression remained with me and that's why I braked for dear life when my close encounters happened.
RCV| 11.29.10 @ 5:20PM
I guess you weren't braking for "deer life"....
MoeBlotz| 11.29.10 @ 7:42PM
If you see deer on the side of the road you are travelling , usually they look up at your headlights as you approach. The best thing to do at that point is get on the brakes and flash your headlamps,either using the dimmer switch or on/off switch. Flashing your lights breaks the fixation the stupid deer has on your headlamp beam and they will run away. I have nailed a couple of deer whilst driving,but would have nailed a few more if not for the technique I just described.
Faffnir| 11.29.10 @ 7:57PM
As a professional driver, I count myself fortunate that I have never hit a deer. They can do significant damage to a big truck, and parts are an order of magnitude more expensive than car parts.
And the only thing I know about deer hunting is you sit at the bar and say "Well, hello, you little dear, come here often?"
Dav| 11.29.10 @ 8:49PM
Leave the deer to the wolves. If y0u want to hunt something, hunt your own kind...
(mooselims, etc.....)
V.Palmer| 11.29.10 @ 10:01PM
The comment about moose NOT darting into the road is dead wrong. Ask any one who lives and drives in northern Maine. I hit one this fall because it bolted into the road and tried to jump over the hood of my car. Luckily I was not injured. Many people who hit a moose are not so lucky.
led display | 11.29.10 @ 10:04PM
No money, can't live well · ·
JeffW| 11.30.10 @ 4:36PM
Mr. Ortlett,
First of all, ignore the jackasses that can't take this story as tongue in cheek humor. Some people are just too serious for their own health. Secondly I live 3 counties south and two to the east of you and we claim to be the deer hunting capitol for our state (my neighboors on both sides are actual deer camps). I could not agree with you more!!! So far this year members of my family have taken out 5 of them this month alone. They can be a nuisance but I still say they taste better than rabbit.
bob alou| 11.30.10 @ 11:49PM
Who are you trying to kid, the only thing that tastes better than rabbit is dove, that is if you are not including the biscuits, gravy and sorghum.
bob alou| 11.30.10 @ 11:46PM
Deer are for wussess. If you really want some automotive blood sport you should really get into a herd of elk. Here in NE New Mexico I have hit two solidly, avoided dozens of others narrowly. Fortunately given where I live hitting an elk at night is considered a "no-fault" accident. Add in the mule deer, antelope, big horn sheep, and free range cattle and the wild horses that live along the Colorado/NM border and you are really in for some genuine after dark brake and dodge. I consider myself awfully lucky not for what I haven't hit but because of what I have seen.