September evolved into October and Mr. Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, left the sinking ship in Washington. He is going to Chicago to run for mayor, but how will he establish residency? His home is occupied, and the oaf he leased it to will not leave until the lease is up. Anyway Mr. Emanuel has not lived there for nearly two years. Perhaps he will steal a page from President Warren G. Harding’s 1920 “Front Porch” campaign and run from a friend’s front couch, if he can find a friend in the Windy City. Call it a Front Couch Campaign, but now I am running a Front Couch campaign too. Chicago is where I was born, and as this magazine goes to press the New York Sun has endorsed R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr., for mayor of Chicago! With no financial connections to Chicago, a New York publicist, and political advisers living solely in the Washington area, there is no way I can be tarred with a Blagojevich connection, much less an Obama connection. I am clean as a hound’s tooth! Mr. Emanuel starts off with both disadvantages, and when Chicagoans discover he graduated from a girls’ college and studied ballet, he will be toast.
Mr. Emanuel joins Mr. Peter Orszag, Mrs. Christina Romer, and Mr. Lawrence Summers in fleeing the incoming storm, which looks like it could bring the Republicans 10 Senate seats and 60 congressional seats on November 2, and the electorate does not even like the Republicans. Yet it was not all bad news for President Barack Obama. San Francisco’s Metropolitan Transportation Commission approved $5 million in federal money to build an anti-suicide barrier for the Golden Gate Bridge, which is $45 million short of the final sum. So there is still time for the president to go out in a leap of glory. And there is more good news. Thanks to the ingenuity of BPG Werks, a Canadian manufacturer, our forces can now go into battle on skateboards. Long the vehicle of choice for college profs, the skateboard has been heavily armored and equipped with a high-speed engine that makes it an all-terrain machine. The U.S. Army is testing the formidable contraption now and it may be shipped to Afghanistan even before our president jumps. In other news, congratulations to the prestigious Oxford University debating society, the Oxford Union. Members of the 188-year-old British society can purchase sex products for the first time from the nearby sex vendor, Adult World, if they “flash” their membership cards. Feminists are incensed, but they usually are. Oxford’s nudists are delighted.
In the United Kingdom, that old fool who sits on a roadside bench between Torquay and Paignton waving at cars as they go by has finally revealed his name. He is Mr. Moses-Peter, and every day he puts on love beads and a headband, picks up his walking pole, and heads to his bench, where for years he has attracted a clientele of devoted passersby. “It gives me a sense of happiness,” said Miss Kelly Child, “when he waves at me. This man is, somehow, magical.” Mrs. Mags Powell agrees and adds, “He’s delightful. A man who seems truly happy in his own skin, with a smile and a wave for everyone. Long may he carry on.” Others are comparing him to Mr. Jimmy Carter, whose most recent publicity stunt was to complain of stomach cramps on a flight from Atlanta to Cleveland, causing a major disruption at the Cleveland airport and a two-night stay in a local hospital. The week before he dumfounded NBC’s Brian Williams by saying that “I feel my role as a former president is probably superior to that of other presidents”-even President George Washington. Everyone quoted the anile little twirp. And a comparison with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad might not be out of order either, for that matter. That preposterous ass appeared before the UN General Assembly and outlined his theory that most people-including, he was careful to note, most Americans-believe that Washington orchestrated the September 11 terrorist attacks. His screed prompted response from our government that his comments are “as abhorrent and delusional as they are predictable.” Yet Mr. P. J. Crowley of the State Department hastened to add, “We didn’t offer engagement with Iran because we agree with what Ahmadinejad says. We have offered engagement with Iran because we think it’s in our national security interests.” So we shall continue to engage with this zany. Earlier in the day, President Obama addressed the General Assembly and reiterated his plans to promote the Middle East peace talks and something about chickens cleaning their bottoms to prevent salmonella. He does rattle on.
That alleged thief who sought haven from the police in a trash dumpster is in very serious condition in an Alliance, Ohio, hospital after the dumpster was emptied into a garbage truck, which began compacting its contents, including the alleged thief, Mr. James Brienzo, 37. Fortunately, Mr. Brienzo had his cell phone with him and he will survive, though he may be several inches shorter. And speaking of midgets, North Korea convened a meeting of the Korean Workers’ Party and raised Mr. Kim Jong Un to the rank of four-star general, confirming expectations that the country’s Dear Leader Kim Jong Il’s youngest son was in line to inherit his father’s powers once Kim Jong Il assumes room temperature, though not his socks. Those socks will go with him to the grave. In Brazil the future of democracy was cast in doubt when a clown, Mr. Francisco Silva, aka Grumpy, saw his candidacy for parliament questioned because he is illiterate, or so it appears. As we go to press, the clown is being chased around his district and asked to read from a prepared text. Other candidates could be next. In Nigeria Mr. Goodluck Jonathan survived an attempt on his life. Mr. Jonathan announced on his Facebook page that he will seek reelection as president of Nigeria, though constitutionally the next elected president should be from the north. That would be Mr. Umaru Yar’Adua. Yet Mr. Yar’Adua has agreed not to seek the presidency against Mr. Goodluck Jonathan, as he does not want to be blown up.
CNSNews.com reports that the National Institute of Mental Health spent $823,200 of economic stimulus funds in 2009 to endow a study by UCLA researchers to teach uncircumcised African men to wash their genitals after having sex and before dinner. Circumcised Africans can do as they please. In Bekasmegyer, Hungary, the family of Mr. Laszlo Csrefko has had to abandon its bathroom after the face of Satan appeared on a tile. The first to spot the offending tile was Mr. Csrefko’s wife, who explained that “I was naked coming out of the shower and I could suddenly see his eyes [Satan’s] staring into me. I just screamed and ran.” And as poor Laszlo explains, “The room is always ice cold no matter how high we turn the heating up and we’ve just stopped using it because it’s too spooky.” He adds that “We wash in the sink downstairs now,” like under Communism. The couple is calling in a local exorcist, and if that fails they will wall up the bathroom and resort to primitive conditions. The Crisis continues.