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Campaign Crawlers
Let Me Clarify That
The Joy of Charlie — more positions than you can count.
TAMPA — I like to include exclusive breaking news with my analysis when possible. In this spirit, my sources within the Charlie Crist for Senate campaign inform me that press secretary Danny Kanner will soon have a new title— Vice President for Clarifications.
Florida governor Crist (I-Charlie) changes his positions on major issues so often and so rapidly, Kanner’s state-of-the-art office must be equipped with a Cray supercomputer, four kinds of slide-rules, Cue cards (for use when Crist is asked about his positions by the media), an entire wall of loose-leaf focus-groups reports, twelve cases of Ginkoba (to help Charlie remember what he said day before yesterday), two Harvard psychologists and a SWAT team of pollsters on speed-dial, a Magic 8-Ball, a wind-sock, and a mood ring.
Excessive you say? Not at all. Young Kanner must help his politically peripatetic candidate remember from day to day what he believes, or, more to the point, what he says he believes. A Herculean task, as Crist has held more positions than you can find in the presidential platforms of both major parties, The Joy of Sex, and the Kama Sutra combined.
John Kerry’s famous political dictum, “I was for that until I was against it,” is alive and well in Crist’s playbook. Kanner, who studied political communications on a Ron Zeigler scholarship (for younger readers, Tricky Dick’s press secretary), is nimble enough to explain how Crist’s core principles of three months ago, and attendant positions on specific issues, are all “inoperative.” He says he takes strength for his difficult ministry from Lincoln’s adage: “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and dazzle the rest of them with footwork.”
Those paying the slightest attention to Crist’s opera buffa campaign know that Crist, depending on the political needs of the moment, has in a remarkably short time held every available position on the major issues of the day. A former scrub quarterback in college (just behind the head cheerleader on the depth chart), Crist has run left to right to left, with various oblique feints, on: Obama’s “stimulus” slush fund, oil drilling off Florida’s coast, gays in the military, tying public school teacher’s pay to performance, ObamaCare, left-geek U.S. Supreme Court justices (against Sonia Sotomayor when he was a Republican, for Elena Kagan as an independent), right to life, etc. (list shortened for space considerations).
Before leaving the party he had spent his entire political life in — first run for office in 1986 — Crist was a RINO. But conservative former Florida House Speaker Marco Rubio, who has run a consistent and unambiguously conservative campaign, was Florida Republicans’ clear choice in the Republican primary, so Crist declared himself an independent in April.
Crist is now up against Rubio and Miami Congressman Kendrick Meek, a consistent and unambiguous liberal. Trying to stake out a position amongst all this clarity, Crist has decided that on the important matters facing Florida and the nation he feels very strongly both ways. He will, he repeats unctuously on the campaign trail, do the work of the people, not of the party bosses. He will, we’re assured, take the best ideas from both parties. He won’t even say which party he’ll caucus with if he wins the Senate seat.
While Rubio is running from the right and Meek from the left, Crist is attempting to run from above. It worked for a while. For a few weeks after Crist went party-less he held a small lead in most polls. But this strategy is a loser in a year when voters are looking for authenticity. In the abstract, the notion of taking the best ideas from left and right, from Republican and Democrat, has appeal. But when candidates try to translate this to specific issues, to tell voters what they would do if elected, it quickly becomes incoherent.
Both Rubio and Meek are hitting on Crist for his inconsistency and rank opportunism. While Crist fishes for Democratic votes with newly minted leftish positions on most issues, a new Meek ad shows Crist in the recent past praising George Bush as “a leader of courage and conviction,” saying how impressed he was with Sarah Palin, and describing himself as a Jeb Bush (Florida’s former and still popular governor) Republican. “I’m about as conservative as you can get; I’m a pro-life, pro-gun, and anti-tax Republican,” Crist says in the ad.
This has to be disorienting to Florida Democrats who Crist is trying to woo, and a real knee-slapper for Florida Republicans who know this doesn’t come within a mile of describing Crist. As Florida voters watch Crist switch 180 degrees on issue after issue, his poll numbers sink. Rubio holds a double-digit lead now in polls of likely voters. Meek, who has run a poor third since the race became a three-way, is gaining on Crist and will likely catch and pass him.
In 2010, “I feel very strongly both ways” is not a slogan any candidate can ride into the U.S. Senate. Kanner can clarify his little heart out, but it will not avail.
About the Author
Larry Thornberry is a writer in Tampa.
Booger| 10.1.10 @ 6:21AM
From the Desk of Charlie Crist:
Dear Voter,
I would like to take just a moment of your time to discuss my impending election to the U.S. Senate. I realize that with our current economic malaise, ongoing wars, looming debt crisis and continuing energy issues you have many problems. The Tea-bagger Rubio and the crazy ex-cop Meeks can only look at these problems from one point of view. What you need is a candidate who can see them from all points and address them from all points. You need a Senatorial multi-tool. You need Charlie Crist.
Allow me to explicate: At 9 am I will be a conservative. I will attack spending, champion the unborn and support lower taxes. At noon I will be a moderate, which means I will have to figure out that day what to think. And when 3 pm rolls around I will be a liberal, raising the taxes I lowered earlier in the day, spending the money I saved and aborting the blobs of tissue I previously protected as babies. In other words, I am truly a senator for all voters! No matter what your position on any subject, from Tea-bagger to socialist, you can count on me to be your man at least once a day, every day. Just think about it. No one ever need be upset or disappointed in his vote. You can put your mind at ease knowing I will support you at least once every day.
Do please bear in mind that as my staff tracks the source of incoming campaign donations the amount of time spent at each position may be subject to change. Campaign Charlie multi-tool senator does NOT come with a money-back guarantee for conservatives.
Your Future Senator,
Charlie Crist
Chlamydia Googans| 10.1.10 @ 11:22AM
Ooooooooooooweeeeeeee! Charlie, you be talking sexy after 3! You can be my date fo sho after dat! Just bring yo wallet and one of dem big packs of Trojans dat da Obama money pay fo from da free clinic! You gots to be gone by 9:00 AM, doe. Ain't gunn be seen wit no white azz conservative. And don't wakes me up when you go! Girl needs her beauty rest.
Bob | 10.1.10 @ 11:10PM
I don't know which is phonier. Crist or his tan.
michigander_sandusky| 10.1.10 @ 7:15AM
I-Charlie is the ultimate political prostitute.
Melvin| 10.1.10 @ 7:27AM
Nah, Crist isn't a political prostitute. A prostitute at least has an semblance of dignity, where Crist has none.
Crist is much, much lower than that. Crist is so low I doubt that there is a description that has been thought of.
If I may offer a description of Mr. Crist. "Low down, lying, cheating, good for nothing piece of dog squeeze."
Maxwell| 10.1.10 @ 8:20AM
Melvin, you are not saying that he is lower than whale droppings are you?
Steve W| 10.2.10 @ 8:47PM
Charlie is so low he has to look up to see down.
Old Soldier| 10.1.10 @ 10:02AM
A prostitute will stick to a couple positions throughout a career. Not Charlie.
Joe| 10.1.10 @ 8:31PM
LOL!!!
joli| 10.2.10 @ 12:45AM
No Gonorrhea Lectim going around this group!
Steve W| 10.2.10 @ 8:49PM
That just means he's...flexible.
Candy Mountains | 10.1.10 @ 10:32AM
Hey! Watch who you're calling a prostitute, michigander! We don't want to be associated with low lives like Crist, okay?
TR| 10.1.10 @ 11:20AM
With a prostitute you know what you are getting when you turn over your money.
Jim O'Brien| 10.1.10 @ 1:52PM
Prostitutes have more integrity than Crist.
TR| 10.1.10 @ 4:26PM
Love it! LOL
Bill Hussein O'Stalin| 10.1.10 @ 8:29AM
The ruling class is so full of double speak they hope you remember only the portion that applies to you.
Deborah D | 10.1.10 @ 9:10AM
An excellent commercial would be one of Crist talking to himself...on the left side of the screen could be all of the lefty things he's said...on the right side of the screen could be all of the righty things he's said on the same subject. At the end just spin Charlie's head around and around...Charlie Crist -- where he lands nobody knows.
A. C. Santore| 10.1.10 @ 9:54AM
Crist, Murkowski, and Specter - the faces of the newold politics - take Republicans' campaign contributions and then, when they reject your too-liberal positions, run against the Republican candidate.
Their unspoken slogan, with nose high in the air to avoid the scent of the mere citizen: "I, you see, I am far more important than mere politics and government. And you."
Broadside| 10.1.10 @ 10:33AM
"Oh Kings may come and Kings may go /let nothing you dismay sir/ For whatsoever King may rule/Still I'll be the Vicar of Bray sir."
Michael Tomlinson| 10.1.10 @ 10:58AM
Audios Charlie and don't let the screen door hit you on the way out. Hey, don't forget to take Lisa with you.
Chris Crowley| 10.1.10 @ 3:34PM
Before Crist was a liberal Governor he was an even more liberal Attorney General. His offered favored special deals with drug dealers. You need to look at all the "substantial assistance" agreements then AG Crist's office did with the Office of Statewide Prosecution. He always favored giving convicted felons the right to vote and he appointed mostly liberal judges to the bench. Good riddance of this liberal self-serving no good hack. I would call him a political prostitute, but that would be an insult to all prostitutes.
Siegfried X| 10.1.10 @ 4:08PM
Has _ANY_ RINO accepted the voter's primary election decision by immediately supporting the conservative candidate who beat them?
Joe| 10.1.10 @ 8:32PM
Great article. Loved it
Joe| 10.1.10 @ 8:32PM
Great article. Loved it
ron| 10.2.10 @ 12:08PM
If you could run a generator on the revolving of Crist's positions you would solve the need for a domestic energy source. His changing views are certainly a renewable resource.