The American Spectator : Fair Enough

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Fair Enough

By Christopher Orlet on 8.19.10 @ 6:07AM

The county fair remains a very conservative affair.

Nothing says SUMMER IN AMERICA like a county fair. This month I was privileged to attend two such fairs, and when I say privileged, I, of course, mean obligated.

Our county fairs have a long and proud tradition. The predecessor of the county fair was the market fair, which was the organic grocery store of its day, though lacking the smug self-righteousness. County fairs were begun in the early 1800s as a way to promote the latest agricultural machinery and techniques, as well as a way for rural families to gawk at potatoes that looked like famous politicians and politicians that looked like famous potatoes.

Elkanah Watson (1758-1842) is credited with originating the American county fair in 1810 in Berkshire County, Mass. If that had been all he did that would have been enough for most people, but Elk was a Revolutionary War hero, too, smuggling important messages to Benjamin Franklin in Paris ("What exactly are you doing over there?—Geo. Washington") and, in his free time, coming up with the idea for the Erie Canal.

The character of the county fair hasn't changed all that much in the nearly 60 years since E.B. White described it in his book Charlotte's Web:

When they pulled into the Fair Grounds, they could hear music and see the Ferris wheel turning in the sky. They could smell the dust of the race track where the sprinkling cart had moistened it; and they could smell hamburgers frying and see balloons aloft. They could hear sheep blatting in their pens.

As dusk approached, we wandered over to the livestock pens where the sheep blatted and the hogs squelched and we talked to some pig farmers. They were warm, hospitable folks who, oddly enough, were staying in one of the pens next to their prize hogs. They invited us to accompany them to the swine judging, and we stayed on for the cattle and sheep judging too. Then we hurried over to the grandstand for the teenage-girls-in-swimsuits judging.

Like most fair-goers, my favorite part of the experience is the combine demolition derby. If you've never been to a combine demolition derby allow me to explain the rules. There are none. At least none that I can make out. Basically it's like giant bumper cars without bumpers. Instead the drivers ram each other with their combine header. And here's where things get really surreal. Don't ask me why, but the combines are decorated to look like spotted Holstein cows and giant football helmets (an homage to the local high school team, I assume). I can see how this would be exciting for a guy. It is every young red-blooded American male's dream to destroy thousands of dollars of agricultural machinery, while his buddies and his best girl proudly look on. Normally we have laws against this. The great thing about the county fair is we leave the trappings of civilization at the entrance gate. In this way, the fair resembles a great lawless region, say the Khyber Pass or the street out front of my girlfriend's urban St. Louis house.

AFTER THE demolition derby, the rest of the fair seems rather anti-climatic. All that's left are the tractor pull and the truck pull, both of which could be considerably improved by having participants ram their vehicles into each other.

This is no doubt what Elk Watson had in mind when he established the county fair as a celebration of human progress, science, education, the agrarian ideal and the amazing culinary properties of lard. No other profession or occupation is so celebrated. You certainly don't see large outdoor events where accountants go head to head over who can track the most incoming expenses in 30 seconds on an Excel document. Nor should you.

The dearth of accountants notwithstanding, the county fair remains a very conservative affair. You seldom see liberals or feminists on the grounds, because the fair is really about competition, which liberals hate. Liberals would shut down the combine demolition derby and replace it with earth-friendly games in which children are praised for turning off the most lights and air conditioning units in the exhibition hall. This would result in the tragic spectacle of heat-exhausted elderly women falling into giant gourd exhibits and getting entangled in blue-ribbon quilts.

Feminists would try to shut down the beauty pageant and replace it with a workshop titled "Liberating the Recipe: A revisiting of underrepresented soups in feminist magazines of the 1970s." This would likely cause an interesting confrontation between the angry prickly-legged sisterhood and stocky female pig farmers/stage mothers, one that might best be settled in a Tournament of Destruction: Priuses versus Combines.

Now that would be a fair to remember.

About the Author

Christopher Orlet writes every Thursday from St. Louis.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (16) | Leave a comment

Lee| 8.19.10 @ 7:24AM

Another thing liberals would hate about the fair is the various competitions (animal judging, crafts, cooking, etc.). The gripe would be that someone actually wins (God help us!) and everyone doesn't get a medal just for participating. Those who actually compete like it this way. If they win, they know it's meaningful. If they don't, they are motivated to do better next year.

Alert1201| 8.19.10 @ 9:21AM

Not only that but they actually us animals. Ox pulls, pig races and such are anathema to libs.

Alan Brooks| 8.19.10 @ 4:38PM

Then whites ought to let blacks compete more; the game is: "you blacks can compete with other blacks, but not with whites."

Alan Brooks| 8.19.10 @ 4:40PM

"Those who actually compete like it this way. If they win, they know it's meaningful. If they don't, they are motivated to do better next year."

Thank you, we will keep this in mind when Obama is re-elected.

JF| 8.21.10 @ 8:02PM

You should cut out smoking crack before you post. And Alan, when are blacks not allowed to compete? It seems to me, they are pushed to the head of the line by way of affirmative action and not expected to have to meet the same standards as other people. Obama is our first affirmative action president after all - patently unqualified to manage a fast food joint, white liberals in their incessant guilt pushed ahead of qualified democrats in the primaries and made other white people feel guilty enough about the prosperity they gained during the Bush years to vote for this socialist knucklehead. And then there is the black community, those enlightened folks who still believe OJ was framed and that Obama is their messiah. You have no future, Alan. Deal with it.

AndaO| 8.19.10 @ 9:18AM

Re sleeping next to the pigs in the barn. That isn't odd. ALL the livestock people do that.
One of the rites of passage as a 4-H member was being considered old enough to stay in the barn. There is simply nothing like a county fair.

Alert1201| 8.19.10 @ 9:25AM

Love state fairs. When I lived in New England we always went to one or two a year and now that I am living in Dallas every year I take a day off and we visit the greatest, largest, bestest state fair in the world, The State Fair of Texas. We always try to go early in the season so the farm anamals are still there.

Jason| 8.19.10 @ 2:46PM

I'm not sure what part of the country this county fair was in, but it could have easily been in ours. We don't have combine demo derbys, just cars, but using combines sounds like an awesome idea!

As for the competition aspect... I'm a little concerned about the exhibit judging in our fair. It seems that there are fewer levels of ribbon than there used to be. It seems that everything is lumped into two categories: Blue ribbon if the kid spent any time on it at all, red if they just turned something in. They still have to pick state fair delegates, since they can't send them all on, but I get the feeling they would give them all the exact same ribbon if they could.

Richard Wicks| 8.19.10 @ 2:50PM

I know how to make the fairs better.

What we need to do is expand traditions to include the Neoconservatives that can spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on security and surveillance equipment and tell everybody coming to the fair that nefarious Islamic groups are out there to kill everybody and it's the duty of fairgoers to spend money and shop as much as possible, lest the terrorists win.

In this way we can play out the Patriot Act there, and then slowly bankrupt these gatherings.

Because as we all know, the fairs are about politics, not fun.

Stammon| 8.19.10 @ 6:36PM

You need to get out more, you don't have a clue about middle America do you? I would say you don't really know anything about life either. Real life, life lived for God's purpose.

JF| 8.21.10 @ 8:08PM

Richard, you display your ignorance like a peacock spreading his feathers. First, any conservative knows that Islamofascists wouldn't go to a fair - they display pigs, for Allah's sake! And second, most of us who do attend are armed and quite proficient at using weapons of self-defense. It's only libs like you who need others to protect and defend them - midwestern conservatives took responsibility for their own care and welfare a long time ago.

MoeBlotz| 8.19.10 @ 3:59PM

RIP Flemington Fair and New Jersey State Fair as well as the venues that hosted them: Flemington Fairgrounds and Trenton Fairgrounds.

Stammon| 8.19.10 @ 6:33PM

Just to let you city-folk know, the combines they wreck are older, unprofitable, unsellable machines. If you go to any big family farm, they will almost always have an old Gleaner or two laying around. They still run and move, but are too inefficient or too undependable to use anymore. When it's time to harvest the corn or wheat or beans or whatever, you work around the clock to get it all in before it rains or winds or whatever. The combine cannot breakdown.
Oh, and clean pigs smell good, it is really a treat to sleep next to the livestock.

Appleby| 8.20.10 @ 3:37AM

The other thing that is missing from the Fairgrounds is the legion of Marching Mommies screaming at you not to eat anything the Baptist Ladies are selling in the food tent, because it is all fried, salted, and cooked with fatback and every single delicious mouthful will kill you. Although you do have the Mommies begging you to swathe yourself head to toe in clothing, wear big hats and sunscreen which you reapply every five minutes, and sit only in the shade. These are the same people who shriek endlessly about Obesity and simultaneously beg you not to let your child see the sunlight lest he die instantly from multiple kinds of cancer.

Me, I go for the dirt track car racing, where people still race what they brung, large pile-ups are certain, and the winner will be somebody you know.

theMoose| 8.20.10 @ 3:21PM

Here in NW Ohio, the annual Fulton County Fair is gearing up to begin the first weekend in September. We have Combine Demolition Derbies, and all sorts of livestock, and huge barns of food and displays and contest entries etc. It's actually billed as one of America's Greatest County Fairs, and I think it is. It's always wall-to-wall people, many of whom plan their vacations to live on the fairgrounds all week in tents or RVs complete with couches set outside and TVs. It's a hoot! If you'd like to experience a county fair at its best, come on out to Wauseon OH from September 3 - 9.