The American Spectator : BFF

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BFF

By Christopher Orlet on 7.16.10 @ 6:07AM

One true friend is sometimes enough.

I have lived most of my life with but one or two persons I would call good friends. My fiancée, who collects friends like a baleen whale collects plankton, finds my lack of friends odd. I don't doubt that it is.

It's not that I am unable to play well with others. It is rather that I have a hard time finding persons who interest me enough to want to be friends. This is, I suppose, what attracted me to books and magazines so many years ago -- the opportunity to be in the company of interesting people with engaging stories to tell.

All but one of the friends of my youth has long since disappeared from my radar screen, which is a common enough occurrence after high school. The thing is, I never felt particularly close to any of them. Other than the fact that we were going through the same teenage crises, we had little in common. What brought us together wasn't not mutual values and interests -- they liked cars and girls, I liked guitars and girls -- but that we had grown up in close proximity to each another. It was friendship based on location, coincidence, and social class.

I do, however, remain close to my best childhood friend, if only because we live two blocks apart. It is a friendship based on our shared past with very little to reinvigorate it. Thus we tend to see each other only by chance and at funerals.

Same with my college pals. These were friendships of convenience that faded once we graduated and went into the world to seek our various fortunes (which most of us are still seeking).

I once heard the interviewer Charlie Rose ask Christopher Hitchens if he and Martin Amis were still friends. "He's my only friend," said Hitchens. It seemed rather sad, but I could relate. Like Hitchens, I have gotten along okay with one or two friends at most. "If you have one true friend you have more than your share," wrote Thomas Fuller, and I am in no position to argue. "He who has many friends has no friend," quoth Aristotle. Or time, I might add, since friends are thieves of it. Such words were a comfort when my fiancée and I sat down recently to draw up the guest list for our upcoming nuptials. Her friends list stretched on for pages. Mine had three entries. Four, if I wanted to stretch it.

I PROBABLY HAVE but one friend who I see on a regular basis. We met by chance a few years ago. He was a Realtor attempting to unload my house for me after my divorce. While showing the house, he took notice of my bookshelves and CD collection and figured I might prove a suitable drinking companion. We actually have little in common, save for a love of history, a sense of the absurd, and women, drinking, and money problems. However, he amuses me. And I suspect if I showed up at his home at 3 a.m. with a dead body, he would help me unload that too.

I am fortunate to have lots of siblings who more or less enjoy each other's company. Siblings, though, are like spouses: you may get along tolerably well, you may understand and accept each other's foibles, but you are not the unbiased outsider looking in, as is the friend.

I am content with the few friends I have and, therefore, I have no need for the fake friends of Facebook. Compared to my fiancée's hundreds of social media friends, my two dozen or so -- mostly family -- seems rather paltry. That's okay. I have gotten friend requests from friends of former friends I might have seen for an hour or two when I was 17, and from college friends living half a world away who feel the constant need to update me on what cocktail they are currently imbibing. I suppose they think having a lot of friends will make their enemies think them popular, but I have no desire to add to their delusion.

A real friend may be, as the musician Chuck Prophet said, someone who will pick you up at the airport. But I think Edgar Allen Poe was nearer the truth when on his deathbed he cried: "My best friend would be the man who would blow my brains out with a pistol."

I would have no trouble telling my best friend that, although I would not lay down my life for him, I would happily blow his brains out with a pistol.

I have a strong suspicion my friend would do the same.

About the Author

Christopher Orlet writes every Thursday from St. Louis.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (48) | Leave a comment

Appleby| 7.16.10 @ 6:42AM

I can relate to this well. I never married, which subtracted almost all the *usual* topics of conversation from my store; and my interest in science fiction and space, foreign travel and sports car racing, has little interest for the workmates whose main concern is *reality teevee* and cooking. My best friends are a woman cousin of my own age, and a sympathetic if overly talkative man from across the border who came to pick me up and drive me to Mamas house when Daddy died, and when my family came up with their usual excuses, came to stay with me when I had an angiogram and kept an eye on me until I was out of danger. Married people have little to no time or inclination to look after their single siblings; one is fortunate indeed if one has a single friend who will step in.

Moise| 7.16.10 @ 10:46PM

Christopher Orlet's little sausage of a meditation on friendship reveals him to be a rather banal, unimaginative personality. He has nothing fresh to say about the topic. He's about as interesting as a burlap bag full of dried corn shucks.

Based on his flat and flavorless writing style, I cannot imagine anyone wanting to befriend him.
I have not seen his photo, but I gather he is . . . fat (and flat and flavorless). Pass the Fs, please.

JDW| 7.18.10 @ 10:31AM

You, sir, are a douchebag. I neither know you, nor Mr. Orlet. However, I recognize when one man with few friends accepts the reasons why. And another with few friends calls him "unimaginative" for it.

matthew david wilder| 7.18.10 @ 5:02PM

Ha ha ha! If that is Josh Moise who wrote that right-on attack, I toast thee, sire.

Chris Humphrey| 7.16.10 @ 8:22AM

It's been a while since I have read anything so sad. I know: the author will not agree. But for those of us with long and deep friendships, it will seem sad.

Sorceressss| 7.16.10 @ 8:57AM

No reason to be sad.... In reading this article I felt my life reflected in it as well. I have never had many close friends.
"It's not that I am unable to play well with others. It is rather that I have a hard time finding persons who interest me enough to want to be friends." This statement is true of myself as well. As adults, we have very strong opinions and passions, it can be difficult to relate to people that are not as passionate as I am about certain subjects (ie: politics, history etc). I have one or two friends that I can truly count on and, really, I have found they are more than enough.

Tomas| 7.16.10 @ 1:21PM

Unlike Gibbs, I have only two rules:

#2... Don't pester me about what I eat.

#1... Betrayal is the ultimate sin.

A true friend would never break either of these rules. Ever. Yet, as I go through life, I find that Rule #1 is worth so much, precisely because it is so rarely followed.

I have pulled the knives of friends out of my back so many times, and yet these people have the audacity to ask, "Are we still friends?"

The biggest, most painful knife I ever had to coax from my back was put there by an old friend who, at the time, was my best friend. I caught him having sex with my girlfriend. To this day, he cannot understand why I was so upset about that.

Poe had it right. If you can trust someone with your death, you can trust them with your life.

betts| 7.16.10 @ 1:50PM

It's not sad if he's happy. Don't impose your own worldview on what makes a person contented.

graywolf| 7.18.10 @ 9:13AM

Quite to the contrary.
I'm 66 years old and have had a batch of "friends" wherever I've been.
I'm not in contact with any of them now.
There were no falling outs; just moving on.
My motto:
If we run into each other and have dinner, fine.
If I never see you again, that's OK too.

mejamom| 7.16.10 @ 8:40AM

My husband and I have been friends with a group (18) of people for 35 years. We know as much about each other as siblings and spend more time with each other than our real siblings, getting together at least 2 times a month. We've been to our kid's weddings, stood by for parent's sickness and deaths, even gone on vacation together. Once in awhile my husband will question why we can't just have a quiet dinner with 1 or 2 of those couples and I understand that, but I also feel blessed to have those people in my life.
An equally "old" friend who lives several states away, who I email regularly, recently mentioned that he and his wife have no close relatives or friends, but says that's okay. They're both very creative. Over the years he's built a recording studio and has 4 cds of original music out there as well as working on a book and painting. She makes jewelry. Those personal pursuits are obviously more important than friendship. I'm not claiming to have the gifts or tenacity they have, but if I did, I wouldn't have my circle of friends because there wouldn't be enough time for both. But when my daughter was killed in an accident, we had (and still have) 9 extra "brothers" and "sisters" around for whatever we wanted. Creativity and productivity is essential to make my life more enjoyable, but when the chips are down, give me friends.

grant1863| 7.16.10 @ 10:05AM

Joseph Epstein wrote an interesting book about friendship not too long ago, Good read.

Signboy| 7.16.10 @ 10:37AM

Did the author really compare his fiance to a baleen whale? May want to check the fine print on those wedding reception contracts.

Vern Crisler| 7.16.10 @ 10:54AM

Get thee hence to Facebook....

msdubya| 7.16.10 @ 11:09AM

I can see from where this author is coming. I have many "acquaintances" but few "friends", at least by the definition to which I believe most of you are referring. Doesn't bother me as I have a wife and family with whom I spend most of my time away from work. And some interesting, likeable acquaintances with whom I go RVing. Life is good. I don't need hundreds of people with whom I feel the need to share life's joys and sorrows.

David Williams| 7.16.10 @ 11:29AM

If you want a friend, get a dog.

C S Lewis| 7.16.10 @ 2:40PM

there is no friend like Jesus.
second is husband or wife.
then the dog!

JmsA| 7.16.10 @ 3:37PM

It matters not to have many friends, but to have friends worth having.

James Bandy| 7.16.10 @ 3:37PM

Spot on, Christopher. Numerous acquaintances does not a happy life make. A few true friends does.

Mt. LeMans| 7.16.10 @ 5:13PM

A good friend is someone who will get out bed at 3AM, rustle up $5000 and drive 2 hours to bail you out.

A REALLY good friend would be in the klink with you, howling, OH MAN WAS THAT GREAT!

Skinner| 7.16.10 @ 6:27PM

Been there with both! Same friend each time, too!

I've also been the friend doing the bailing and the howling. Again, same friend.

Then we both grew up. We live about an hour away from each other, and now we just do the howling, and our wives threaten to have us thrown in the clink to get us out of the house.

We are polar opposites in appearance, occupation and abilities.
I'm 5'-7 and a poor electrician.
He’s 6'-3 and a well off corporate attorney.
I couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle, or play a musical instrument without hurting myself.
He’s got a great voice, plays piano, and hand makes acoustic guitars.
I can fix almost anything with a mechanical or electrical problem.
He’ll end up with broken fingers or electrocute himself.

But we're twins when it comes to temperament and sense of humor, along with a love of classic rock, good beer, fishing, pool, making fun of each other when we get in Dutch with the missus, and enjoying a lazy summer week when our families go on vacation together.

He asked me to delivery a eulogy at his dad’s funeral, and he was the first one I called when Mom had a heart attack.

He's been my best friend for almost 40 years now.

We’ve never betrayed each other’s trust, even we when we probably should have. We know things about each other that we'd probably rather forget. We also remember things about each other that we probably should forget.
But we never will. If we did, we wouldn’t be the friends we are.

Woody| 7.17.10 @ 9:40PM

Sounds like a very close friendship. Ever slept with him?

Arti| 7.18.10 @ 12:39AM

I laughed out loud.

Kenneth| 7.17.10 @ 10:30PM

Funny you put it that way. I've always said a good friend is one, who, if you called in the middle of the night and said you were in trouble in Bangkok, would get up, put on his clothes, grab his credid card and drive to the airport - as I surely would for either of my best friends.

Texan99| 7.18.10 @ 7:48AM

Same here. A friend is someone you'd drop everything to go bail out of jail in a foreign country -- and you're the one they'd call. Everyone else is pleasant company.

Kenneth| 7.17.10 @ 10:28PM

I, too, have only two great friends, other than my wife. I've never questioned it; I just take comfort from the what Henry James once wrote: "One friend is much, two are many and three are hardly to be hoped for."

Denever| 7.18.10 @ 6:48PM

It's "One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible" and it was written by Henry Adams, not Henry James.

Mike| 7.17.10 @ 10:40PM

I'm with ya Christopher...my wife has tons of friends. I have a few cursory friends.

If I die before she does, there will be 300 people at my funeral - 295 people would be there to comfort her. If she dies before me, 300 people will be at her funeral - 295 people to grieve over their loss.

My "friends" are cul de sac neighbor guys who drink with me in the garage on occasion and the guys with whom I play baseball (not softball). I don't care much to spend more time than is required - we run out of stuff to say. Not much in common. Plus, I teach - a lot of female colleagues.

I have three wonderful kids that require my attention, too.

My wife is my best friend.

Bob| 7.17.10 @ 10:40PM

The money quote: "the opportunity to be in the company of interesting people with engaging stories to tell."

Congratulations.

Griv| 7.17.10 @ 10:47PM

This is a waste of words. Grow up dipshit.

Jerry| 7.17.10 @ 10:48PM

I find Moise's comments offensive. A short and forthright exposition on a person's view of friendship and his own experiences in that regard is sufficient to conclude that he is fat, banal and flavorless? I think Moise's brief analysis of what how I think a lot of peope feel on the subject reveals a great deal about himself. I would not want him for an acquaintance, much less a friend.

DCJeff| 7.17.10 @ 11:20PM

Excellent personal refection...on which I agree...quality over quantity...

Namtac| 7.17.10 @ 11:44PM

Bravo Christopher! It is what it is. We don't need folks like Moise telling us how lonely and wretched we really are;-)

Vern| 7.17.10 @ 11:48PM

Griv.........
Your statement leaves NO DOUBT who the dipshit is!

Cara C| 7.18.10 @ 12:03AM

I read that if you find yourself losing interest in friends as you get older, it might be due to pyroluria, which apparently can be corrected with zinc and vitamin B6.

Remy| 7.18.10 @ 12:19AM

Growing up, into my 20's, I always had a 'BEST' friend. Into my 30's, it got a bit 'mushier.' Many of my friends were getting married, having children. I didn't. But I met new friends, and had close relationships. I think men have more difficulty making really close friends than women, at any age. But as we get older and more involved in our marriages, kids, work and lives it is much more difficult to maintain friendships...especially close ones. Doesn't make you a loser. Only makes you a Human (especially an American one!)
I just wonder why we are so hard on each other? Christopher, you were being honest. Not something many people appreciate. We have to be uber-humans, or we are not 'worthy.' I for one, appreciate your honesty, and can relate ! Good luck! I hope you have a wonderful marriage with your fiancee! Bon chance!

Jethro| 7.18.10 @ 12:22AM

My only best friend is my dog. He never nags, never gets mad if I forget his birthday, his mother never comes knocking at the door, never has hit me up for a loan and isn't likely to embarrass me on some reality TV show. All in all, it could be a lot worse.

Ken Royall| 7.18.10 @ 2:04AM

A good friend helps you move, a true friend helps you move the bodies.

2tru2tru| 7.18.10 @ 4:07AM

1/2 the posters on this thread remind me of "The Accidental Tourist" I hope, for your sakes, a character worth your time comes into your story. You get what you give... It is the law of the Universe.

Mike| 7.18.10 @ 7:15AM

My "friends" expect me to go to their resturant, movie, store, church, bar, social club, home, golf course, baseball game and vacation spot of choice, and rarely, if ever, solicit my input or opinion.

My "friends" do not visit me when ill or in the hospital, never ask about MY dogs, don't care about my choice of job or where I work, and have no interest in my likes of science.

I notice my "friends" are usually selfish, boorish people with big egos and view themselves as the center of the universe.

My "friends" spew mindless blather on facebook about when THEIR kid last crapped in the pants, what trophies or awards they received, and often think the general population really gives a damn what they do or think.

My REAL friends show up at the door asking what I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to eat, what movie I want to see and have a habit of doing the unexpected for my enjoyment as well as their own. My friends care more about pleasing people, helping people when down, offering an unsolicited helping hand. and rarely put themselves first.

You keep your "friends" and I will keep mine because mine are thoughful, considerate, and caring people.

I do hope your "friends" are there when you need them and not preoccupied with some self important activity. I know mine will be.

John| 7.18.10 @ 7:19AM

I never had many friends or acquaintances, period. Many people have to live alone and die alone.
I notice that pop culture everywhere, not just the U.S., has a subgenre about how funny losers are. The other characters crap on the losers, while the audience roars with laughter, or chuckles the next day at the water coolor.

Durward| 7.18.10 @ 11:14AM

Nothing sad about having few friends if those you do have are true friends.
Fair weather friends are a dime a dozen and over priced at that.

Faffnir| 7.18.10 @ 12:16PM

My best friend took his own life a couple of years ago. A messy divorce and then getting dumped by a woman he had been seeing were too much for him, I guess. I wish he'd have called, he was too good to do something that foolish. I still miss him.
But, as the philosopher says, life goes on.

James| 7.18.10 @ 11:03PM

He that makes many friends does it to his own destruction, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

St Martin Philton| 7.19.10 @ 11:40AM

i'd like to find a girl

Craig| 7.22.10 @ 9:08AM

This article resonated with me. In the county I currently reside, unless you are interested in getting drunk or watching sports on tv, you're not going to have many male friends. And that's ok. I'll pursue my own interests with my wife and we'll take care of one another.