Over the past three years, more brands of cars — and specific
car models — have been sent to the glue factory than at any time
since the early '30s, in the wake of Great Depression 1.0
But did they deserve to die?
You decide!
* Saturn Sky
Based on
GM of Europe — AKA Opel’s — GT, the Sky (and its late lamented
Pontiac stablemate, the Solstice) was a stunning car to look at;
much more dynamic and stylish than, say, a Mazda Miata.
But unlike the Miata — which was a great car to
drive — the Sky and Solstice weren’t great
cars to drive.
For one, the engine sounded terrible — like a high-miles
economy car four-cylinder equipped with a cheap
aftermarket “fart can” muffler. While other sports car engines
sang when revved, the Sky’s cleared its throat like a
phlegm-laden old trucker.
Handling was clunky, too.
But the worst offense was the ‘69 MGB body integrity. The
Sky’s convertible soft top fit poorly and leaked both air
and water, which dribbled down onto the door side
panels. It was impossible to hold a conversation without shouting
at speeds much above 60 mph. The power window switches were
located so far back on these panels it was almost impossible to
use them while driving. Ditto the cupholder, which was mounted on
the very rear of the center console, making it all-but-unusable
while the vehicle was moving. The gas gauge was dime-sized and
buried a foot deep in the gauge cluster, making it a guessing
game how close you might be to empty.
Verdict: A pretty car whose comely
exterior hid numerous unattractive flaws. Looks alone won’t cut
it — and didn’t.
an>* Hummer H2
You could make a
case for the H1.
It was a civilianized version of the military Humvee — and
if you needed an unstoppable off-roader, it fit the bill.
But the H2 was nothing more than a Chevy Suburban with a
Tonka Toy Hummer truck shell draped over it. And thus, a
fraud. A big, stupid, ugly, pointless, gas-guzzling,
crappy-handling — and not even good for off-roading —
fraud.
Circa 2003 I got one to test drive. I called up three
buddies and we headed out to try the thing off road. At the
entrance to the area where we intended to do some mud-bogging,
there was a puddle maybe three or four inches deep and about
three or four feet in diameter. I drove over it at a moderate
speed. Immediately, multiple lights on the dash went off and the
engine dropped down into “limp home” mode. It ran, but barely.
Unable to get the H2 going faster than about 25 mph, we creeped
it home on a very busy Northern Virginia highway, a half-mile of
angry motorists stacked up behind us.
I wrote “I love global warming” with my finger in
the dust on the liftgate glass.
The H2 was good at just one thing: Demonstrating (once
again) that PT Barnum was right.
Verdict: As preposterous as an
“estate home” McMansion on a quarter-acre lot.
* Pontiac Vibe
Technically, the Vibe still lives, because Toyota is
still making them.
The Vibe was never really a Pontiac but rather a
“badge-engineered” Toyota Matrix re-sold under the Pontiac label.
(And the Vibe/Matrix was of course itself merely a Corolla draped
with ugly, mini-dumpster bodywork. )
That alone made it worthy of retirement. Why bother? Buying
a “Pontiac” Vibe was a lot like buying the same blue bottle of
store-brand NyQuil sold right next to the real stuff, except you
didn’t get the one advantage of buying the store-brand stuff —
namely, a lower price. The “Pontiac” Vibe was actually priced
above the Toyota Matrix — on the rickety theory that people
would be willing to pay more for a Toyota if it was sold
through a Pontiac dealership, with all the prospects for
great customer service that came with it.
Genius!
Verdict: The Most Pathetic “Pontiac”
since the Daewoo-sourced LeMans of the 1980s.
* Saab
This one’s a
mixed bag.
Not all that long ago, Saab was an up-and-comers car, a
peer of BMW. Circa mid-late 1980s, a Saab 9-3 convertible was
among the coolest things on four wheels. It was a car you bought
yourself after graduating law school — or getting that first
real job. Saab, the company, was much better placed than
its crosstown rival, Volvo — which at the time was still known
mainly for its stodgy, boring, god-awful slow PETA staff cars
that no one with any life force still pumping within them wanted
any part of.
Then GM bought the company. And systematically strangled
it.
By 2008 — when everything began to go sour — Saab was
already ghosted. An afterthought. Not even spoken of in the same
sentence as BMW.
Or even Volvo.
Its cars were staid — or weird. And overpriced, too. Most
of the flair that had characterized previous Saab models had been
systematically sucked out of them, leaving a lineup of slightly
oddball-looking things with often-iffy reliability and BMW-level
MSRPs with Lumina-level plasticky interiors.
Verdict: Saab’s downfall parallels
the story of Randy “The Ram” Robinson in the movie, The
Wrestler. It’s a train wreck, but you can’t stop watching
it.
* Mercury”
AKA Ford’s Pontiac.
There was a time when, like Pontiac, Mercury had something
worthwhile to offer. In fact, it operated as a quasi-independent
automaker only loosely associated with parent company Ford. It
sold unique or at least different enough models — not rouged-up
Fords with higher price tags. Its cars also had great names like
Marauder and Turnpike Cruiser (as opposed to Mariner and
Mystique).
What you got was higher-class performance; nicely trimmed
out cars that moved when you stomped on the gas pedal but which
also had an adult demeanor lacking in most Fords.
Fast forward to the recent past and what greeted the
prospect upon entering a Mercury showroom?
Ford Explorers (and Escapes and Crown Vics) with… wait for
it, now… higher price tags.
Verdict: Mercury’s been dead for
years but just didn’t know it. Now it does.
