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Ben Stein's Diary
Making the LAX-JAX Connection
Another installment of America’s number one Diary.
MONDAY
Ugh. A terrible travel day.
After a long delay, my flight to DFW to connect with one to Orlando
was abruptly canceled. My crafty travel agent got me on another one
via SLC to Orlando on Delta. But I did not have an aisle seat and I
get nutty, totally paranoid claustrophobic if I am on a long flight
and not on the aisle.
Luckily for me, three incredibly kind people, Gentiles, of course, traded places with me so I could sit on the aisle and not against the bulkhead. That’s sort of the punch line of almost all of my experiences out there in middle America: your ordinary American is incredibly kind and nice. I would say especially your ordinary middle-class or upper-middle-class Midwestern, and above all, southeastern American Americans are just the most polite people on the planet.
I got to Orlando after midnight, had a driver whose fuel tank light was flashing empty, who refused to stop and buy gasoline even if I paid for it, and then got to my hotel within the gates of Disney World.
There were tired but pleasant people waiting for me. They showed me to an immense, prison-like room, slowly brought me the most tasteless room service I have ever had, and I went to sleep. I was awakened by a malfunctioning refrigerator. Luckily there was another bedroom in my suite, and I slept maybe four hours there before rising to give my speech, which I loved doing, tired or not.
TUESDAY
After my speech, I slept
for an hour, then went down the hall to film an interview with my
old pal and shipmate, Chuck Colson. Chuck was a powerful corporate
lawyer, then a high official in the Nixon White House. He had been
a Marine (once a Marine, always a Marine) and he was legendarily
tough and devoted. He got caught in Watergate and was sent to
prison for seven months.
He emerged a new man, devoted not to Nixon but to spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ to prisoners. He started the Prison Fellowship, and at one time was making more than 300 visits a year to prisoners. His message was that while the world and “the system” might tell a prisoner he was dirt, to God, he was of infinite worth.
The Prison Fellowship has worked amazingly well. Recidivism rates for prisoners in his program are drastically lower than for prisoners generally.
Anyway, Chuck and my late parents were great pals. I really only got to know him very recently. He’s doing a documentary about ethical issues connected with the meltdown of 2007-2009, and he had a crew there in Orlando to film me. It was a lot of fun except for one makeup woman who wanted to pluck a hair on my chin. I told her men don’t do that and she was scaring me. Other than that, the interview went well and I will be eager to see the results.
After that, I packed my miserable belongings and went to Orlando airport, probably the worst airport in America. It is just way too small for the number of flyers and TSA never has enough lines open. But I had a guide who helped me with my luggage so soon I was through, waiting for my flight to DCA.
I had a simply horrifyingly bad hamburger at the Wendy’s at the US Air gates. If anyone from Wendy’s reads this (I am a small stockholder), please do something about that Wendy’s. The food is so bad it’s terrifying.
Off to DCA, my favorite airport, to rendezvous with my big wifey, who is flying in from LAX. (How do you like all of these abbreviations for airports?) I slept almost all of the way. I had a stunningly beautiful young woman sitting next to me. She is a photographer and her photos of water-scapes near D.C. were miraculous. Then to my apartment at the Watergate for a haircut and a nap. Then to pick up my wife. We met and then met with our pal Russ Ferguson for dinner at Charlie Palmer’s steak house on Capitol Hill. We had a table with a fabulous view of the Capitol. Breathtaking. The food was good and the service was fabulous. Not just great. Fabulous.
Then, to bed in our hooches at the Watergate. In my hooch, I have a shower that generates considerable steam. That helps my always sore lungs. I slept like a baby.
WEDNESDAY
Our capable driver and
friend, Bob Noah, appeared with a car and drove us down to
Virginia. We stopped at a Super Target in Manassas or somewhere
near there. I smelled fried chicken and bought a few pieces at the
Super Target delicatessen. They were astoundingly good. Just
amazingly tasty and crisp. I offered some to Bob. He went crazy for
it. You have to try that chicken. It is as good as any fried
chicken I have ever had, and it was virtually free.
Congratulations, Target.
Then, hurtling through the Shenandoah Valley to Lynchburg to have dinner with my pals Jerry Falwell, Jr. and his beautiful wife, Becki. I love this part of Virginia. The trees are starting to bloom and the sky is a light blue and I can sleep while Bob drives.
The Falwells were fun, as always. They introduced me to a group of young people who were running for city council in Lynchburg. One of these young people was head of a pro-Israel student group that had just gotten recognition from Benjamin Netanyahu at the American-Israel Public Affairs Committee meetings a couple of weeks ago. I thanked them profusely.
About the Author
Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes “Ben Stein’s Diary” for every issue of The American Spectator.
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ggoblue| 6.29.10 @ 7:02AM
god bless you ben, you are a light in the darkness...
if you ever swing thru detroit stop by for a perch and walleye dinner...this is a fabulous fishery :)
Arnold Ahlert| 6.29.10 @ 8:53AM
Ben Stein has jumped the shark. These "diary" columns are nothing more than an exercise in self-indulgence--unless one is riveted by the idea that Ben has to have an aisle seat on long plane trips.
Spare me.
Louis Jenkins| 6.29.10 @ 11:38AM
Come on Ben. Your wasting your talent on these blow by blow descriptions of your working-vacation. (Or maybe you're working.) Get down to brass knucks sometime.
DVG93| 6.29.10 @ 12:00PM
Personally, I love the window seat. On long flights, it's nice to lean on to sleep.
Wendy's has lost it's edge. The food no longer is much better than BK or McD's. The fries have become puny.
Mr. Stein, next time you're in Jax, try Firehouse Subs. Sonny's or Bono's BBQ is great stuff as well.
Clay F| 6.29.10 @ 12:33PM
What a great reflection about the-salt-of-the-earth folks who make the US a great place to live. I've only recently discovered this site so this was my first opportunity to read your diary. It may not deliver earth shattering insight into the troubles we are facing, however it delivers a much needed message of comfort and pride for us by posting your examples on the under reported goodness that exists within this country. Keep it up, Ben!
R Martin| 6.29.10 @ 1:08PM
I'm not sure how wise it is visiting sick children in hospital while suffering or recovering from a bad cold. But then it may itself be unwise to question Mr. Stein's wisdom if he's managed to arrange this gig--getting paid for writing stuff like this.
To be fair, he does have a point about anti- Semitism, although he seems lost in making the connection between that attitude and a president who was raised a Muslim and indoctrinated for 20 years by Jeremiah Wright.
Nancy Morey| 6.29.10 @ 1:28PM
Thanks for coming to L'burg. We think it is a pretty nice town. Next time try the MainStreet Grill and/or the Texas Inn!
RCV| 6.29.10 @ 2:15PM
Ben, you are a gem! I have many political disagreements with you, but I so enjoy reading everything you write. God Bless.
Robob| 6.29.10 @ 2:43PM
Ben
Pro-Life, Pro-Country, Pro-God, Pro-Israel and Curb is your favorite TV. I must be the gentile Ben Stein.
Rich Rostrom| 6.29.10 @ 10:58PM
Ben: Arabs have hated Jews since long before Israel was established. Note the great Arab campaign in 1948 to prevent the creation of Israel.The Koran depicts Jews as the treacherous enemies of the Prophet. The jihadists on the Mavi Marmara chanted an ancient song about the battle of Khaibar where Mohammed defeated the Jewish tribes of Mecca, slaughtering the men and enslaving the women and children. (The Mavi Marmara was the ship in the "Gaza flotilla" where the Israeli boarding party was attacked.)
Mind you, the relationship has nuances: the Koran also acknowledges the Hebrews of the Old Testament as the Chosen People - then - and many Moslems have Hebrew names such as Yakub, Ibrahim, Daoud, and Suleiman.
Denver Todd| 6.29.10 @ 11:03PM
Everyone should be able to write like Ben Stein. And now you can! Just fill in the blanks or circle your choices:
I flew off on __________ Airlines and they were wonderful/awful. My driver met me on the other end, and ____________ happened. On the way, I ate at ____________ . I arrived at the hotel and I was feeling wonderful/tired. The next day, I spoke at ______________ where the people were wonderful. On this trip, I ____________, regular people rarely do. Then I flew home to the Watergate, but I got sick on the way, and then I felt better later. My life is awesome.
kel| 6.30.10 @ 6:19AM
OK, Ben, I guess you get to cash a check for this one.
I love reading your work when you have something to say. When you don't (like in this piece) you can come across as pompous and condescending. VERY condescending.
VERY condescending.
It's kind of gross.
Jennifer| 6.30.10 @ 7:53PM
Hope you are feeling better. I guess I am just surprised that you never wrote about "We're on the verge of passing the most comprehensive financial reform since the Great Depression "
Maybe next week Ben Stein: Has Washington no shame? Or no memory?
I guess I just expected Mr. Stein to remind those "you are sworn to represent all of the people"
I guess like the regulators you needed a holiday.
Amazingling Annoyed Masochist| 6.30.10 @ 11:38PM
One would have to be a masochist to have read this stultifyingly boring collection of adjectives with "ly" added at the end of them. But I did.
Here is my count -
Incredibly - twice in one paragraph (Tell me if I missed any )
Lengendarily - describing forgotten Watergate figure
Amazing
Drastically
Horrifyingly to describe the degree of awfulness of a Wendy's hamburger
Stunningly - lost track - but it must describe something mundane
Big wifey - has she gained weight? Did she "come to wife it wealthily in Malibu?"
Astoundingly - describing beauty of another woman in same paraagraph as "big" wifey
Or was that the fried chicken at Target?
Amazingly -again
Insert here that everyone wants to be photographed with me .. . .
***Why did it seem "sad" to Ben that a woman bought 15 items when she intended to buy only one. Look up IMPULSE BUYER in the dictionary - there is a picture of Ben and all his houses!
Now we have a beautful girl contantLY hounding him for a photo
Hauntingly - beautiful picture of something in the museum
Amazing (again) - - short ribs this time.
Ben, look up AMAZING in the dictionary. It means "very surprising". Are you actually very surprised by virtually evertything?
Oh, oh, - now a huge black man from Ghana wants his photograph - God, they are everywhere!
And, finally, some team came AMAZINGLY CLOSE TO WINNING.
Thank you, Arnold Ahlert, Denver Todd and kel for your voices in daring to point out the vaingloriously vacuity of TAS's resident valetudinarian who would rather risk a virus than miss an opportunity to get his picture taken one more Amazing time!
TAS must pay by the word - so Ben writes fifty words and then goes back and pads it with 400 Amazingly, teeth-grindingly irksome modifiers.
If anyone else offered a piece of cr*p like this for publication, it would be returned faster than you could say "rejection notice"
Amazingly Annoyed| 6.30.10 @ 11:42PM
Make that AmazingLY instad of Amazingling - I got a little swimmy-headed reading Ben's litany of of
"ly"s
A.A. afterthought| 7.1.10 @ 12:00AM
Why would one worry about the un-manliness of having a hair plucked from chin, if one writes in the hyperbolic style of a gushy old woman?
Ben, you forgot, "There was this precious, meltingly delicious mint on my pillow in both bedrooms of my stratospherically expensive suite."
allison aller | 7.1.10 @ 12:11PM
You are the best Jewish uncle a girl could ever have...I've always loved reading you and I thank you for your candid open-heartedness.
Thanks, Uncle Ben!
Jim Allmon| 7.1.10 @ 12:39PM
What's with all the vitriolic comments? It's a diary for crying out loud! Who cares HOW it's written. It's a nice insight to Mr. Stein and I appreciate it. It's honest. It shows his humor and heart. It was observances over a period of time.
All you people crabbing about how it was written reek of sour grapes. It's easy to criticize those who are successful, isn't it? How about simply enjoying something for what it is?
Sort of reminds me of a writer's workshop I once attended where some of the authors in attendance proudly displayed how JK Rowling SHOULD have written the first few chapters of a Harry Potter novel. I'm certain she needed their input... just as Mr. Stein does. : )
Another afterthought| 7.1.10 @ 10:41PM
You hit the nail on the head, Jim Allmon. Mr. Stein gets his little diary out every evening and records what he ate and how his bed felt and many beautiful girls he saw, how many wanted their pictures taken with him - and it is a perfect insight into the man.
Diaries used to have a tiny lock on them and no one was invited to read the girlish flights 0f fancy - - "I wore my yellow angora sweater to the basketball game - fluff was flying everywhere - and everyone wanted to take my picture. We went to the malt shop after and the malt was creamily yummy."
L. Ross| 7.1.10 @ 10:45PM
Mr. Stein.
Just wanted to suggest to you that sometime you dabble with a ride in a light airplane. You will find that light aircraft diners are among the finest restaurants in the world. Everything is cooked from scratch, and no two are alike. Additionally, you will find the view much improved over an airliner, and probably the company as well.
Jim | 7.2.10 @ 12:34AM
A pleasant reminiscence. This is perhaps Ben's Garrison Keillor period.
:-)
J.| 7.2.10 @ 9:44AM
I don't get it. Ben Stein is so brilliant, special, etc., that he's not allowed to write a column, even in diary format, that isn't bulletproof? I cannot see what it is in him or his writing that excites such virulent criticism, even hate. It's not because he's a Jew, but could it be related to the reason so many do hate Jews and Israel? More likely it is just that his diary columns are so open and unfiltered. While this contributes greatly to their charm, to small people this vulnerability is just a target. A big man being vulnerable - certain personalities cannot resist. I find that ugly.
George| 7.9.10 @ 7:04PM
Ben, I never tire of reading your journal, it is so much about life in the US and other parts of the world. How hate exists and how love over comes. I have lost many Seiko watches and have never had a beautiful lady buy me one until my wife, Joanne, came along. These common threads run through our lives as common as the cold and as frightening as hate. But we continue on looking for a better way even under this purple lipped liar.
Keep writing these journals, the common people who laugh, love, and live do so even better after reading your work!
George| 7.9.10 @ 7:14PM
Ben, I never tire of reading your journal, it is so much about life in the US and other parts of the world. How hate exists and how love over comes. I have lost many Seiko watches and have never had a beautiful lady buy me one until my wife, Joanne, came along. These common threads run through our lives as common as the cold and as frightening as hate. But we continue on looking for a better way even under this purple lipped liar.
Keep writing these journals, the common people who laugh, love, and live do so even better after reading your work!