The American Spectator : Summer Fun

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Summer Fun

By Christopher Orlet on 6.25.10 @ 6:06AM

There's nothing for stirring murderous thoughts like a nice, brisk hike.

Ronald Reagan was noted for many things, but one of his greatest contributions to society was to identify the nine most terrifying words in the English language:

"I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"

Recently, National Review reported that Reagan's quip has been superseded by an even scarier phrase of President Obama's:

"[T]he United States government will stand behind your warranty."

Horrors, to be sure. But to me, the most terrifying words in the English language will always be: "It'll be fun."

This is especially true in summer, when having fun is no longer a choice. Whole communities conspire to force fun upon us, whether it's taking the kids to the county fair, overindulging at the ribfest, or wading through oceans of muck at an outdoor concert, there is literally no rolling back the good times.

It is axiomatic that good times -- like complicated surgery -- cannot be had at home. Fun can only be found in far off places, like certain exotic species of flora and fauna. And it must involve lots of people. It doesn't even matter if we know these people. Most of all, fun must be agonizing and exhausting, and must involve doing things you enjoyed when you were ten, but that, due to some failure in the space-time continuum, you have outgrown and no one else has.

For instance, when my girlfriend and I are sitting around the house not doing much of anything and I ask her what she would like to do, she will sometimes say, "We don't have to do anything. I just like sitting here with you." But more often she will say, "We could go hiking."

You'd think I'd learn not to keep my big yap shut.

For some curious reason, women -- and when I say women, I mean educated, middle-class Caucasian women -- adore hiking. They like to hike up hills, mountains and plateaus. They like to spend whole weekends tramping though forests and glens. If there had been educated, middle-class white women in the Philippines during World War II, they would have paid big bucks for a spot on the Bataan Death March.

I live on the open prairie, so you would think the pleasures of a nice 45-degree sidehill angle would be off limits to me. Think again. There are, within a few minute's drive, stretches of magnificent river bluffs, some with elevations of more than 1,300 feet, which I know doesn't sound like much to hillbillies and mountain goats, but flatlanders like me tend to get nosebleeds if we even look at a stepladder.

I have been on countless hikes, but the worst part is when I am stumbling up some godforsaken roadside trail, trying to avoid getting whacked in the face by birch branches, when all of a sudden zipping along beside me comes this typical lard-butt family in an air-conditioned SUV on its way to the scenic overlook, pulling faces at me and mouthing the word: "Sucker!"

There is nothing for stirring murderous thoughts like a nice, brisk hike.

I AM TOUGH on the girls, but we guys aren't much better. Our idea of summer fun is "a round of golf." I realize I am in the minority here, but I have never understood the sport's appeal. That's okay. Some of the writers I most admire didn't get golf either. To Mark Twain golf was "a good walk spoiled." Joseph Epstein counted never having golfed his life's chief negative pleasure. ("I consider golf, like the Soviet Union, good only for the few excellent jokes it has produced," he said.) To H.L. Mencken "golf and idiocy were the same word." In his indispensable New Dictionary of Quotations, Mencken lists a single entry under the heading of golf, a quote by Samuel Johnson:

It is unjust to claim the privileges of age, and retain the playthings of childhood.

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About the Author

Christopher Orlet writes every Thursday from St. Louis.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (16) | Leave a comment

ggobllue| 6.25.10 @ 8:21AM

fun? watching rachel maddow 130 days and 12 hours from right now....20 minutes after the polls have closed in the eastern time zone....

thats gonna be fun

Miss Alabama| 6.25.10 @ 10:29AM

Fun?

I'll tell you what's NOT fun for me:

Fourth of July Fireworks!

How I hate them! We're supposed to express childish glee when we hear the big bang and see the multicolored sparks, but all I can think of is the stupid waste of money.

Fireworks, or as Alma Winemiller called them in Tennesee Williams' Sweet Bird of Youth "pyrotechnical displays," are a nuisance and a dangerous hazard.

I shall stay put in the air-conditioned comfort of my beautiful home, reading another delicious 19th century British novel.

". . . and the rocket's redglare . . ." Seen one, seen them all!

All for now, y'all.

ggoblue| 6.25.10 @ 12:50PM

you would love detroit on the fourth...the america hating democrats have moved the fireworks all the way to june 21st...yep thats right the fireworks were last monday...

anything to keep us from honoring america...

Carpenter| 6.26.10 @ 5:41AM

That's gotta be one of the most pompous and priggish post I've ever seen

Angela| 6.27.10 @ 6:06PM

Love ya, Miss Alabama. You're a hoot.

Sean| 6.28.10 @ 5:25AM

Funny , But the Bataan Death March comment ought to have been edited , editors . Many men and some women suffered beyond what I can comprehend on that peninsula . It's not fodder for a ' funny ' article

L. Ross| 6.25.10 @ 9:12AM

Christopher. We should not hang out. I don't think you would enjoy it.

Faffnir| 6.25.10 @ 11:08AM

I count as fun: strapping boards to my feet and sliding down mountians. Taking my Miata through a series of twisty-turnies at about twice the posted speed limit. Riding my bike through rural Indiana (it's not as flat as it looks). Cooking for friends and enjoying their company. Reading the Spectator, or any other "right-wing fascist propaganda". Y'all have fun, now, y'hear!

Ken (Old Texican)| 6.25.10 @ 11:38AM

Christopher,
I never minded the hike...sometimes over mountains...if there was a secluded trout stream on the other end....and fresh trout cooked upon returning.

Ray| 6.25.10 @ 5:23PM

Thank's for the humorous article, I shall be thinking about it as I prepare the million tons of equipment that my wife insists is necessary for our road trip to "the cabin", which is, as always, located somewhere "up north" here in Minnesota. Those who claim that "the trip is half the fun" never traveled "up north," apparently.

Of course, once I'm there and on "the lake" fishing, I'll soon lose myself in the tranquility and solitude of of being "up north" and forget all about the the pressure, and noise, and the (let's be honest) stench of city life, for just a few short days anyways. Of course, I'll forget all about this article as well, that is until I try to pack twice as much equipment for the return trip than I packed for the vacation itself (That ALWAYS happens, but I can't figure out why!).

Big Leo| 6.25.10 @ 7:30PM

The best reason for hiking is to get away from tourists. The best way to do that is to get off the trail and get yourself good and lost. You pay for your thrills.

Carpenter| 6.26.10 @ 5:53AM

Fun? A roll-off-the-top or a barrell roll in a Stearman; cleaning up the gear and climbing out of a small Texas airfield with 200+ horses at my fingertips; shooting cans off the top rail of the fence with a Glock; planning and executing a flawless cross country flight; watching my beautiful wife and daughters caper about taking pictures of each other at the beach; getting a small measure of humility at an Astros game; feeling the wind off the Atlantic; catching a big red snapper; reading the speccie and looking forward to the lefty media squirming come November. Oh yeah... Fourth of July fireworks!

Carpenter| 6.26.10 @ 5:53AM

Margie| 6.27.10 @ 9:57PM

My idea of fun aside from enjoying the great outdoors, would be getting together with some of the fabulous conservatives from AmSpec and having some great conversation. In fact both of those things together would be great.

David| 6.29.10 @ 4:03PM

Editors: Clearly, time to plan an AS cruise a la the late Buckley's junkets.

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