In the maiden episode of the classic TV comedy Get Smart
in 1965, when Maxwell Smart was going to meet Agent 99 for the
very first time, the code phrase for their introduction was “New
York Mets Win Doubleheader.” The Mets had never finished above
last place and the notion of their winning twice in one day was
too absurd to contemplate. Just Smart’s luck, of course, the
unthinkable happened and the Mets took a pair, causing a
six-year-old kid to utter the password. If we were writing a
pilot for such an episode in 2010 we might try this as the
ridiculous headline: “Unemployed Veteran Does Not Campaign, Wins
South Carolina Democrat Senate Primary by 18 Points.”
The unlikely victory by Alvin Greene in South Carolina was
a practical joke of sorts played by the electorate on the powers
that refuse to unbe. The image of the four-term state pol who
spent a quarter-million dollars to be the butt of that joke is to
be enjoyed with a dollop of relish. Not since the Jesse Ventura
governorship has plebiscitary contrariness asserted itself so
whimsically. True, Mr. Greene has some unwholesome chapters
pushing his narrative into pathways too slippery for Cinderella.
But what fascinates most about the Democrats’ big Greene wail is
the plaint over the lack of green expended.
“How can a man win an election without spending
money?”
You can hear the hurt in their voices, the feeling of
betrayal, like someone who stepped out onto his patio only to
find himself at the bottom of a sinkhole. Politics is supposed to
be about cash, wads of it, splashing in all directions, enriching
the media and the consultants and the candidates themselves. How
can folks be rallied to a cause without spending on streamers and
balloons and flyers and ominous radio ads delivered in hushed
voices? Free votes are an outrage, it seems.
A variation on this showed in the Democrat glee over the
victory of Sharron Angle in the Republican Senatorial primary in
Nevada. They were gloating that Angle had less money in the bank
than the other Republicans, so Reid would have no trouble beating
her with his war chest of $25 million dollars. It was so
disconcerting on its face to watch the Democrats salivate over
the notion that this misunderstood gentle compassionate
man-of-the-people Reid could crush that Tea Party wannabe… not
with his melty heart but with his multi millions.
To the uninitiated this all surprises. Republicans are said
to be occupied with the fiscal while the Dems seek loftier
pursuits. They are helpers, givers, ceders of Lebanon, men of the
spirit. They hear the cry of the impoverished while the
Republicans gorge on their fattened calves. This is what we are
told, but by whom? The Democrats themselves are the tellers and
it turns out they are passing counterfeit currency. If anything
the exact opposite is true: the Democrats are obsessed with
money.
In public speaking I often challenge my audiences to name a
single famously wealthy American who identifies as a Republican.
Buffett, Gates, Soros, the Hollywood billionaires, proud
Democrats every one. The New York smart set is all Democrat; any
conservative lurking in their midst plies his view furtively,
when the camera is turned away. The rich Republican is a hit in
the theater of public opinion, but in truth he is a hit-and-myth
proposition. He is the exaggerated proto-villain of the fevered
fantasies of the self-righteous. Yet this Republican-as-Fagin
caricature finds little to reflect him in the looking-glass of
real life. It is unimaginable, for example, that a Republican
would crow how he will obliterate the Tea Party populist because
his rich buddies have fitted him for a suit with deep
pockets.
So in the spirit of Global Humidifying I say: “Go Greene.”
Shrink that campaign footprint. Do the paperless candidacy. Keep
those flyers grounded. Let the buck stop here and never give
change. It is time to evict those Democrat-qua-plutocrats. Heck,
Pluto is not even a planet anymore.
