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The Nation's Pulse
The Talk
The birds do it, the bees do it, what else do you need to know?
“Have you had the talk yet?” the girlfriend asks.
She means THE TALK. As in, the sex talk.
I squirm and look for the nearest exit, something to cause a diversion. I’ve begun carrying a few stun grenades for just such an emergency.
I get this question about once a week, and it seems to come with ever-increasing urgency. The girlfriend doesn’t have any kids, but I have a 16-year-old son. And, according to her, the sex talk is long overdue.
There’s no denying that. I’ve read the articles in the parenting magazines, and, according to the experts, it’s already too late. You’re supposed to talk with your child about sex at “every age.” Childhood is apparently supposed to be one long sex talk. Sort of like college, but with your parents hanging out in your dorm.
So I missed the boat. Darn.
This hardly gets me off the hook. “Don’t worry. Better late than never,” says the girlfriend.
Sex is not something I am comfortable discussing with my women my own age, let alone with my teenager. As far as I’m concerned sex talk should remain where it belongs, in the locker room. Or in really unfunny situation comedies.
Who’s to say that a sex talk wouldn’t do more harm than good? Imagine the trauma both me and my son would suffer if I were try to march into his room and launch into a discursive, fumbling, shamefaced monologue on sex.
Besides, what’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do it?
“STDs!” the girlfriend says. “Unwanted pregnancies! You need to talk to him about respecting women….”
Yes, there is that. But like most people over 20, nobody ever talked to me about sex. And I was perfectly okay with that. At 16, the last thing I wanted was to be cornered in my bedroom by mom and dad and told the facts of life, whatever they were.
They probably felt the same way.span>
Or maybe they didn’t think it was a good use of their time. I mean, it wasn’t like there was a line of cheerleaders waiting to deflower me.
I WENT TO school before schools began teaching sex ed, so I have no idea what the rest of you know that I don’t. I’m still not sure how I learned about the Birds and the Bees. I suppose I picked it up a little at a time, here and there, like I learned about auto mechanics. It took a long time because there was a lot less sex around when I was a kid. It wasn’t on television and it wasn’t thrust in your face in the form of sleazy advertisements. It was much more subtle, or maybe subliminal.
About the Author
Christopher Orlet writes from St. Louis.
David Williams| 5.20.10 @ 9:02AM
Even though I'm now a grandfather, this subject still haunts me a bit. When I was a young father I asked a good friend of mine who had two children exactly the same ages as my own how he intended to address the subject of sex education. He responded, "They're gonna learn the same way I did, in the gutter". Sounded like good advice at the time, so I took it. Now my grandchildren are at an age when the issue again becomes relevant. I haven't asked their parents how they intend to address it. Don't want to know.
Miss Alabama| 5.20.10 @ 11:18AM
Mr. Orlet, unbeknownst to you, your son, along with thousands his age, is watching online porn. It's only a mouse click away.
And he, undoubtedly, is seeing the most brutal, filthy, degrading misogynistic porno the mind can imagine.
Young boys will grow up now with the notion that young women want them to "come in their face." I believe that in the parlance of pornography the porno producers call this the "money shot."
It's a porno world, and I cannot imagine what you would have to say to your son about sex that he does not already know or that he has not already seen.
Alan Brooks| 5.20.10 @ 5:47PM
soon Long Dong Silver will be appearing on Sesame Street.
Gr0w1er| 5.20.10 @ 10:42PM
I thought it was during the Clinton Administration.
Alan Brooks| 5.20.10 @ 10:56PM
No, you're thinking of 'The People Vs. Larry Flynt'
MoeBlotz| 5.20.10 @ 9:14AM
Me and my son would not experience trauma,but perhaps my son and I might.
Ken (Old Texican)| 5.20.10 @ 9:39AM
As a teen, I can remember diving into another subject, every time my parents got "that" look in their eye.
Some of my friends had gotten the "talk" and shared it with me.....brrrrrrr!
My dad finally got around to it on the way to the fishing boat. "Son, you can always ask me just about anything can't you?"
Me: "yessir".
Dad: "Just don't ruin some young lady's life, and your own, OK?"
Me: "Yessir".
Dad: "Heh, just don't let your hormones get out of hand".
Me: "heh...yessir."
E.D. Cannon| 5.20.10 @ 1:55PM
I was sixteen when my father gave me the talk, and it was at this time that I informed him that he did not have to worry about me getting a girl pregnant, since I was gay, and that my boyfriend was one of his business partner's son. I thought at the time that my father already suspected.
He didn't suspect and went into shock and shut himself off in his study for the rest of the day. While I was out that night with my "friend," he and my mother discussed my "horrifying revelation," and in the meantime, my butch, hockey-playing brother told them that he already knew I was gay, and they should get over it.
Yes, that talk was quite an event--one that neither my parents nor I will ever forget. But they recovered after a couple of days, and we are on good terms, I am happy to say.
Talking about sex to children can be very troubling because sex is so murky and nebulous. Beware.
Ned| 5.20.10 @ 3:09PM
Reminds me of an old joke.
At the dinner table a family is discussing how their days went. When the son is asked he states, "It was great, I got laid today." The mom and dad are shocked and the dad tells his son to never talk like that again in front of his mother.
However the dad is kind of impressed, kids a chip off the old block type of thing. So a few days later after dinner when they are alone he asks his son if he has gotten laid again to which his son replies, "Hell no, my ass is still sore from last week."
Warren Jewell| 5.20.10 @ 10:24AM
On ‘sex-ed’, my attitude still sees it as a grand example of a tragic-comedy of errors, at-home, in-school or just about anywhere, anytime. I remember no clear-cut discussion equating birds’n’bees with sweaty backseat business. I at the time merely reflected that first, she would bash me upside the head; and then a list of adults, from her Dad to my Mom and on into her older brothers would join in. Now, THAT is really getting screwed!
I remember hearing my parents whooping it up two bedrooms away – as close to on-the-job (task? function?) training my brother and I ever got. Sounded like a bar room brawl minus the broken glass. L-A-U-G-H! I did learn it wasn’t simply a matter of ‘Now, shake hands, and come out satiated, and, maybe, pregnant.’
I say now: teach your kids to honor the dignity of every other soul, and such ‘ongoing lessons’ will likely take care of themselves – with ‘L-A-U-G-H-S’, in sex-talk cases.
Back then, I the virgin married Sharon the virgin, and honeymoon commenced until she died much too young. We never seemed to need much coaching to talk about it, or, grandest of all, DO it. God blesses us in very gentle ways, even about such ancient rites; plus, He paid us in high honors with the finest daughter a man can have. I ‘learned’, and I ‘practiced’, and I am content.
Eric(OfConservativeMind)| 5.20.10 @ 12:24PM
An enchanting story, to say the least. Unfortunately, like many of my generation(i am 22), I succumbed to peer pressure and temptation and allowed myself to sleep with a few women before marriage.
I look back upon things now(I'm currently happily married) and I can only say that I regret not saving myself for someone truly special like my wife. For the women I slept with before her, I realize I did not love them at all; Sex without Love defeats the purpose of the act, which is to consummate the "marriage" of woman and man, to make them cleave together and be as one and produce offspring.
I suppose by biblical standards, I am now married to four women. Woe be me, what I am seen to be from the gates of Heaven.
Tatertot| 5.20.10 @ 4:36PM
"I remember hearing my parents whooping it up . . ."
I thank God I was spared that. My parents were more discreet, more civilized . . . andy yours should have been.
Tony in Central PA| 5.20.10 @ 2:52PM
Chris, if your kid goes to Catholic school I might suggest John Paul 2's " Theology of the Body ". Of course, you really don't have to be Catholic to appreciate it, or maybe even Christian. Its a big tome, but there are what amount to Cliff Notes versions that get the major points across.
Present it as an alternative view of human sexuality to what he experiences in any kind of media these days. The work was written by the future Pope I believe before he was a Cardinal. Its definitely not the kind of stereotypically repressive stuff one might expect from the Church and it raised more than a few eyebrows when it appeared. I guess JP 2 was keepin' it real.
Tell him its hard to be a young person now without absorbing some really bad ideas about sex that can make your adult life miserable.
Both of you can read about it and it might make " The Talk " easier and more focused.
Bill| 5.20.10 @ 3:05PM
My Dad delivered the "sex talk" to me when I was about 16. The talk consisted of one sentence: "Keep that thing in your pants."
Didn't need any other advice about sex.
Marie| 5.21.10 @ 9:46PM
My parents were very honest and open about sex all through my childhood and adolescence but the best bit of advice I got was just before my first high school dance when I was fourteen. "Sex is a commitment. Commitment is at least a half a carat and the longer you wait the bigger the ring." I am happy to say, I'm expecting a skating rink, preferably with a hockey player attached. :)
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