Now for part one of an occasional series about extremely fine
goods and services.
Your humble servant owns a number of houses and apartments.
I travel among them constantly. And I speak often and travel to
those events and do commercials and travel to those gigs. So,
naturally, kindly people ask me, “Where do you consider your real
home? Washington, D.C.? Malibu? North Idaho?”
Lately, I have come up with an answer: the first class
cabin of American Airlines. There is my favorite home.
Now, to be sure, other airlines have fine first class
cabins. United has a flight from Dulles to LAX that is bliss.
Alaska has fine first class to SEA-TAC. But American does
something better than anyone else: they take care of me.
Mind you, except for occasional health issues, I live a
pretty good life. I swim often, look at lovely sights, generally
enjoy the beauty of the outdoors.
But indoors, at any of my homes, there are dogs and cats
(yuck) to clean up after. There are mountains (true Everests!) of
bills to be paid. There are statements from brokerages and banks.
There are dishes to be cleaned and put away. In short, it’s a
chore. Even in my bedroom of my homes, there are spiders and
moths and dust balls.
On American, though, I am a king. I take my seat and a
flight attendant asks me what I want to drink. I fall asleep
listening to Bob Dylan and no one wakes me up as my son routinely
does in Beverly Hills. When I awaken, there is a selection of
yummy things to eat. When I want to see a movie or a TV show,
there are movies and TV shows on a little player.
Better than that, in many airports, when I am getting ready
to board, there are young men and women who help poor ancient
staggering me to get to my seat. There are helpful, bantering
clerks at the gates.
At some airports, there are even young people at the gates
themselves to get me through the long security line before I die
of thirst.
When I am with American Airlines even in coach, on short
flights, I get treated right. Cheery conversation with the
attendants, often pilots wanted to say hello, ground personnel
wanting to chit chat. American personnel just seem to be in a
better mood than the people who work on most of the other
airlines. (Although United out of Dulles and Alaska anywhere are
also good.)
And then when I am on the plane, even on the shortest
flight, there are snacks and I don’t have to clean up my
room.
But, again, it is the long, first class flights that I love
and hate for them to end. No deluxe hotel, no fancy schmancy
restaurant has the kind of care and attention I get from
American’s people. (For some reason, they are at their
absolute best at Dallas. Maybe that’s because the corporate
HQ is there.) After I have been home for about two days, I am
eager to get back on the road…on the American Airlines first
class road. Life is short. I want to spend as much of it as I can
in first class on American. For most of my life, I couldn’t
afford it. Now, I can’t afford not to fly that way.
Appleby| 5.17.10 @ 7:22AM
When I visited New Zealand in 1991, their dollar was at 50 cents US. Due to the necessity of cutting a visit to a long-time correspondent short during Easter, I arrived at Rotarua, a major resort, to find only the Gold Key Private Elevator, Has Its Own Butler Floor available at a particular hotel. For $93.00 per night, I had the experience of a lifetime. Sometimes it is simply worth the money to live like the Queen (God bless her).
However, Daddy always said and I have found to be true, that it is nice to have a yacht, but it is best to have a friend who has a yacht. Choose your friends wisely and you will have all the fun and not have that mountain of bills.
Alan Brooks| 5.17.10 @ 10:45AM
Bad news is the Chinese will buy American someday, right before they buy the Washington Monument.
UpChuck.Liberals| 5.17.10 @ 11:21PM
They already own the Washington Monument, Obama is giving them America.
Hank Meehan| 5.17.10 @ 11:43AM
Stein's bragging about his plush life reminds me of reading Wm F. Buckley's silly comments about how he enjoyed being chaufferred around NYC every day in his cadillac.
Buckley was elitist to the bone, and, like Stein, he loved to flaunt it.
But you can always count on Am Spec for displaying bad taste in abundance. If it is not revealed in the articles themselves, the responders to the articles let it rip. Yes, those commenters--the peons who always fly coach--display their vulgarity with rabid, right-wing relish.
George| 5.17.10 @ 1:54PM
Hank---Maybe you'll "lighten up" after your
colonoscopy. Or, just watch MSNBC and then you'll not need the"prep". Or, don't read Am Spec.
Hey, how 'bout that idea, DUNCE!
Alan Brooks| 5.17.10 @ 2:36PM
"Buckley was elitist to the bone, and, like Stein, he loved to flaunt it."
Difference is, Buckley was a first class conservative statesman, while Stein is just another conservative-- though he is a genuine gent. most of the really great conservatives are gone: Coolidge, Buckley, Mencken, Churchill;
status-seeking has replaced soul.
BTW, there have been some truly wicked people who have been good conservatives: Roy Cohn for example, was a piece of work-- a total skank.
Son of Taz| 5.18.10 @ 9:25AM
What's wrong with reading about a plush life? I'd much rather read about his good fortune than be subjected to more propaganda about the evil that is the United States, much of it coming from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Maybe we should have the less fortunate read stories like this. Isn't better we read stories about a successful individual than have to listen to, oh, mysogynist rap, or more crap from the pop culture that denigrates anyone that doesn't share their values?
Keep writing Mr. Stein. While the Obamunists have decreed we make too much money, I'd prefer to read about successful people like you any day.
RiverKing| 5.20.10 @ 6:18PM
Right on, Son! At least Stein recognizes the finer things in life.
But Stein as an elitist who flaunts elitism? He's a mere poseur in that department. If you want to know real flaunting of elitism, look up the writings of the late Lucius Beebe.
Rufus Watson| 5.17.10 @ 10:20PM
Depend Diapers
Ben,
Before one of your First Class Trips, Do you always have to pack your Depend Diapers, or do you have an ample supply stored permanently at your "number of houses and apartments"?
So sorry about you having to wear Depends. Your peeing and poopooing must surely deflate the glamour of your First Class Adventures just a tad.
Such a shame about your incontinence, but that and other embarrasing infirmities sometimes come with old age.
Fly . . . fly away, you old bird, and happy landing.
Jay| 5.20.10 @ 6:25AM
Rufus: What do you bitter, angry and jealous liberals cling to? Tepid scatalogical sarcasm?
Jim O'Brien| 5.17.10 @ 8:57AM
The best service I have experienced has been provided by my auto mechanic and plumber. Surprise, surprise .... they are both conservatives.
Chris Baker| 5.17.10 @ 9:59AM
Ben, you need to fly United coach into or out of O'Hare. "The Gulag Archipelago" seems to be the customer service manual. Reminds me of Aeroflot circa 1977.
Petronius| 5.17.10 @ 8:31PM
United stranded my sister in Denver at half past midnight. Late out of the bay area and missing the connection, they wouldn't even pick up the phone.
Go to Youtube: United Breaks Guitars.
GreyLion| 5.17.10 @ 10:15AM
Ben,
How much are they paying you?
Do you get to bypass the checkpoint?
Did your American stock take a big loss recently?
Have you written a letter to the American CEO demanding equal treatment for ALL of its passengers?
Feel a need to strut a bit do you?
Why don't you try a C130 into Kabul?
Don| 5.17.10 @ 2:14PM
GreyLion,
I prefer Qatari Airways Premier Business Class from BWI to Doha prior to my C-130 flight into Kabul. Their cheery attendants take me right to the head of the line at the security checkpoints., and I get a special pass to go to the front of the line for customs and immigration upon arrival in Doha. Sometimes I feel bad for all those people who have to fly coach, because I remember what it was like before I worked thirty years to get that seat up front.
GreyLion | 5.17.10 @ 2:40PM
Don,
Yes, I would guess that Qatari Airways is a premier airline for premier people such as yourself. Why you fly cattle cars to the oasis of Kabul, though, is a bit mysterious but I would be willing to bet that you don’t rate or get first class on that bird. As for working 30 years to get that seat up front I am so happy that you have finally reached your vocational goal, I like to see achievers who know what they want.
Don’t feel too bad for all those people who have to fly coach because they get to go home, see their wives and raise their kids.
Don| 5.17.10 @ 6:50PM
GreyLion,
I detect resent or envy on your part. Does it really bother you that people have the wealth or ability to obtain a better seat than others on an aircraft? Perhaps you feel that all houses should be built with an equal amount of space, and that all furniture should be the same? Is your motto "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs"?
GreyLion| 5.18.10 @ 10:23AM
Don,
"Does it really bother you that people have the wealth or ability to obtain a better seat than others on an aircraft?"
No, it does not bother me. What bothers me is an insufferable ass who brags about it.
Tatiana Goldenberg| 5.17.10 @ 2:23PM
When I fly first-class on British Airways, I always carry a box of gourmet Bonbons Confectionery, which are individually handcrafted in Belgium (that Belgian chocolate is divine, simply divine).
How I wish you could see me stuffing those delectable and outrageously -expensive bonbons in my mouth. Too delicious! Both me and the bonbons!
GreyLion| 5.17.10 @ 4:40PM
Tati
I bet you're delicious alright but delicious is as delicious does, so tell me , Tati, what do you do beside stuff those delectable and outrageously -espensive bonbons in your mouth?
Tatiana Goldenberg| 5.17.10 @ 4:51PM
GreyLion,
Naughty!
But if Ben Stein and I could be on the same flight, sit in adjoining seats, gaze warmly into each others' eyes, I would gladly share my delicious bonbons with him.
I can just see old Ben nibbling on my exquisite Bonbons Confectionery from Belgium! I said Belgium! We would be the envy of all fellow passengers, and how old Ben would enjoy that!
And . . . I happen to think old Ben is just a little . . . sexy (just a little).
Ta,
Tati
Matt Morehouse| 5.17.10 @ 10:19AM
Last time I went to London I checked and a first class ticket was something like $15,000. I told them I wanted a seat not to buy the plane. I settled for the cattle car.
Ben Stein's initials are BS| 5.17.10 @ 10:26AM
Hey guys, I don't think Ben Stein is being serious in this article. But yeah, it is poorly executed satire.
Pugsley| 5.17.10 @ 11:00AM
I rarely fly these days but when I did I found first class to be very nice, a bit pricey but nice. I think Seinfeld summed it up nicely when he told Elaine he had been behind that curtain and he just couldn't go back to coach. He said, ' Elaine, I can't go back, I wont go back'. My feelings exactly.
Miss Alabama| 5.17.10 @ 12:12PM
Ben,
When your American Airlines' flight goes down, please don't scream and make a fool of yourself.
That would be so unmanly of you--you screeching like a school girl.
Just think--you'll die with the comforting knowledge that your posh, conservative, fat ass was planted firmly in the seat of American First Class. What a way to go, you old braggart, you!
Keep your nose in the air, and by all means, keep that seatbelt fastened,
Miss Alabama (still gorgeous after all these years)
Nick| 5.17.10 @ 12:30PM
Typical liberal.
Hoping conservatives die horrible deaths.
Hank Meehan| 5.17.10 @ 2:02PM
Miss Alabama, you are HILARIOUS!
Old Nickipoo can't see the humor because he's such a literalist. Unable to see that your tongue is placed firmly in your cheek, he has to declare that liberals hope "conservatives die horrible deaths."
Good God, man, can't you tell by Miss Alabama's tone that she's poking fun!
Nick| 5.17.10 @ 3:58PM
Mr. Meehan,
Can't you tell that I, also, am poking fun?
It is you who can't see the humor.
Although, liberals do hope conservatives would die. And rejoice when they do.
Go look at some liberal comments on koskids when President Reagan died.
David Brown | 5.18.10 @ 2:39PM
I'm a conservative and I still hope you choke on yer own spoiled vomit..............
no to obama| 5.17.10 @ 10:45PM
Good God Miss Alabama! I swear you were describing your lord and master obummer!
You got him to a T!
MG| 5.17.10 @ 1:15PM
Good Gawd people lighten up! We live in America and aren't we blessed when we can enjoy the finer things in our life. I am with Jerry and Ben on this one. I had the good fortune of flying business class to Italy and now I can't and won't go back behind the curtain for long flights. Class envy is so Democrat and unattractive. Ben, enjoy the fruits of your labor! God bless.
Jim O'Brien| 5.17.10 @ 1:52PM
Amen. Ben is entitled to the fruits of his labors. This IS after all a capitalist republic, despite Obama being the temporary occupant of the White House. My best flying experiences have been on the company jet. First class is "okay", but it's really so common, crowded, and inconvenient compared to a Citation or similar aircraft.
For great commercial service, I use Southwest.
Brad Delong| 5.17.10 @ 2:18PM
MG is right on. Why all the class warfare on AmSpec?
Ben Stein is great, and I would like to give him a shout out for defending the bailouts on Cavuto on Business last weekend. Cavuto stated the cheap and easy refrain of no bailouts ever. While this sounds real nice on a bumper sticker, Ben Stein pointed out that TARP and the like prevented the financial crisis from being a depression. He's right about that. It was messy, but necessary. Ben is also right about the severe limitations of the tea party movement. They want to cut spending, but realistically there's very little to cut. People want government services, but they don't want to pay for them. I applaud Ben for telling it like it is.
Bill| 5.17.10 @ 2:21PM
Ben,
Seriously. You get treated that well because of who you are. The rest of us are mere chattel, sclepping through the airport as fodder for the bottom line.
Bookmdano| 5.17.10 @ 4:38PM
Maybe, Bill, but last year I saw two enlisted Marines get treated to First Class seats. They told me and the rest of their fellow Marines, who were also on the flight (and on their way to 29 Palms), at O'Hare, that the flight attendants and pilots gave them more attention than the rest of First Class. Well, they earned it.
RiverKing| 5.20.10 @ 6:29PM
I had a similar experience "back in the days". I was flying military standby on my return from Korea so long ago that I don't recall the airline. The stewardess (this is 46 years ago!) asked another soldier and me if we would like to move from the last row of the plane to First Class to "help balance the plane".
The Cheerful Oncologist | 5.17.10 @ 3:43PM
I have found that a friendly greeting to flight attendants in business class gets one even better service. Plus, I tell the attendants that I am a physician, "just in case", which is usually greatly appreciated, and often leads to an extra glass of port!
Travis Pooter| 5.17.10 @ 4:26PM
Class is so important to me, and that's the main reason I fly First Class. It's not just for the service perks. Not at all. It's that I want to be surrounded by my own kind. My own refined and cultivated kind!
The passengers in coach are dirt-common, (and many of the readers of Am Spec are as common as dirt, as well) and most of them look it too.
Who wants to sit beside some pathetic school teacher or car salesman or plumber? Not I!
Here in the United States, we have so few opportunities for asserting our class, but flying First Class is one way.
I want to feel like a VIP when I travel, and First Class connotes "I am no ordinary individual--I am somebody!"
It's First Class all the way for me; in fact, I wouldn't be caught dead in coach.
L. Ross| 5.17.10 @ 5:53PM
I do believe you're joking here, Cheerful Oncologist, but just so you know, drinks are "free" in the front of the jet.
David Brown | 5.18.10 @ 2:37PM
What whould ya do if someone had a heart attack? Administer chemo. You bubbar are a first class putz....
W.L. Barton| 5.17.10 @ 5:26PM
Another failed comodian, plying for the fascist Israeli state.
Israel learned well from the Nazis, especially the Gestapo and SS.
That is why God called them a "stiff necked people". A gang of squabbling whiners.
Nick| 5.19.10 @ 11:29AM
Go away anti-Semite!
L. Ross| 5.17.10 @ 5:51PM
Having been an airline pilot with two carriers, I have flown extensively, and even gotten to ride in business class on international flights. It is a very nice ride, but nothing close to the luxury Mr. Stein is describing. I suspect that he has a great time because he is a minor celebrity, and a personable one at that. However, for most people the ride near the front of the jet is just a slightly wider seat, a couple of "free" drinks, and a meal for roughly two to thee times the ticket price. All seats take off and land at the same time.
Unabridged| 5.17.10 @ 10:44PM
Mr. Stein:
Have you ever glanced around to check on how the fawning flight attendants are treating the rest of the passengers? Or are you simply drowning in the adulation accorded a past middle aged guy who makes his money sitting on a park bench, dressed in a dress suit and crappy looking sneakers - talking about whack-a-moles and credit ratings.
No one needs to wonder about yours, you flaunt your wealth so tediously and constantly.
What has happened to you, that the only two things you can write about is how patriotic you are and how rich you are and how much you enjoy having the best of everything?
What do you sing at Christmas?
All I want for Christmas is
More, more, more -
More than I ever, ever
Had before!!!
I imagine your parents, may the rest in peace, would be genuinely embarrassed at your overweening bragging about your money, your houses, your great demand as a speaker - - how is that billed, anyhow? "Come hear Ben Stein drone on about his limo and his driver and his first class trip to get there and the hotel suite and the chocolate truffle on his pillow."?
Robert T. Graham| 5.17.10 @ 11:18PM
At first I thought Stein was being satiric, but quickly realized that he was sincere in his unbridled braggadocio.
Embarrasing revelations! Revolting!
What a shallow materialist. I will never read him again. He's waaaaaaaay too full of himself.
I must say, however, that I was amused by some of the commenters' sarcasm. Pretty funny stuff coming from Am Spec readers. Didn't know they had the capacity for wicked humor. Loved Miss Alabama's and Ms. Goldenberg's remarks. Made me smile.
Unabridged| 5.17.10 @ 11:21PM
Ben says: "So naturally, people ask me, where do you consider your real home?" and "people" rattle off a few Stein sites. . . Naturally? Sounds unnatural to me. Who gives a soft yawn?
I'll bet Ben initiates most of the conversations. I am reminded of two celebrities - one, I read of, was Benny Goodman, seated next to an attractive young woman who seemed unaware she was in the presence of greatness Cool Mr. Goodman says "Maybe you don't recognize me, I am Benny Goodman." - - girl looks blank. BG sez, "The King of Swing?" She replies,"What's "swing"?
The other was my own experience, flying ( don't let this break your heart, Ben, we commoners sit there, too) first class to IAH. Seated next to me was possibly the ugliest woman on the planet, wearing a big hat to match. I recognzed her immediately and immersed myself in the inflight magazine. She was like a worm on a hot rock, eager to "get acquainted" - finally turned to me and said, "Most people recognize me by my trademark hat, I am Bella Abzug." I said, " I recognized you." and continued my reading. She persisted with, "I am flying to Houston to speak at a meeting of NOW." I resisted the impulse to say, "Meanwhile could you just stop speaking NOW?" Geez. . ."I am flying to Houston?" I guess I could have said, "Well, then you are on the right plane."
Celebrities are not ideal seatmates. What they really need is another needy celebrity to sit by them.
Marc Jeric| 5.18.10 @ 12:35AM
Ben Stein is as usually amusing - don't take him seriously. As for the first class flying - the best I experienced in hundreds of business flights was Varig flight from Rio to Paris: oysters with a slug of cold Stolichnaya, smoked salmon sliced at your place, filet mignon (what's that name?) - you know, wrapped in a mix of this and that, then served at your placed: "How many slices, Sir?" Their collection of rare burgundies and bordeaux one cannot find in best Paris restaurants. Exquisite selection of desserts, liqueurs... I mean it seems the flight is just too short.
BrianJ| 5.18.10 @ 2:34AM
Spare us the class envy and the "Poor me: I have to fly coach" whining. Ben earned his way onto American first class ...though I think the warmness of his welcome might, just maybe, have something to do with the fact that he is a very recognizable celebrity.
William Parker| 5.18.10 @ 9:37AM
Class envy? Hardly.
There is very little class exibited in the articles of American Spectator. Lots of greedy materialism, but no class that I have noticed.
Ben Stein is a fool who thinks he's been blessed with "star quality." As Alan Brooks--lamenting the decline of great conservative minds-- said in his above comment, "Status seeking has replaced soul."
And it looks to me like Ben Stein is just a status seeker with no depth, no soul.
Where are all you Religious Right Wingers, the ones who rant rabidly and daily on this blog ? I'm waiting for you to denounce Ben's materialism.
I guess I'll be sitting here waiting till Jesus comes.
Fist of the Fleet| 5.18.10 @ 11:34AM
Why all the stink about this ? Mr. Stein purchases his own ticket, with money he earned. Queen Nancy and her ilk fly first class all of the time, on our dime no less.
David Brown | 5.18.10 @ 2:36PM
Did anyone ever tell Ben to keep his spoiled stupid mouth shut? Sometimes the chubby guy is interesting...Like two or three times a year but mostly the insecure little butterball just brags and brags and brags. Such a moma's boy. And his great father..He was a pud too. Ben think no one sees him in any way but as a shining light of the conservative cause. Some conservatives (me for one) wish he would just go away. Maybe he could serve as ambassador to East Timor or something...for life...
Unabridged| 5.18.10 @ 3:47PM
Re Ben Stein - it is not "class envy", it is terminal boredom with his nouveau riche braying. No matter how "riche", the nouveau is never going to wear off with Ben - and what is worse, he combines it with nouveau boor-eesh. There is nothing more lacking in social grace than brgging about money and how much you have and what you have bought with it.
Ben even boasts about the "Everests" of bills he has to pay. There are not many people who are as proud as he is of an uncontrollable appetite for spending.
It seems even more tasteless in an ecnomic downturn for this puffy little droneologist to drone on about the only subjects he is really converaant on - his acquisitivenes, his health and his coterie of "admirers" wherever he goes.
For all Ben really knows, the First Flt Attendant had a note on her manifest that said,"Treat the little toad in Seat 2A royally, or he will write you up in a way you will regret.
Travis| 5.19.10 @ 9:42PM
I thought rich people spending money HELPED the economy? Spend, Ben, Spend! The people who support your lifestyle need the work. Is it greedy to make money honestly and a lot of it? If you're making money honestly you're either getting paid for providing a service that other people need, or getting paid to help other people make more money (i.e. advertising) or you're getting paid because you're providing a product that people need. Capitalism works best when it is win-win.
Jack| 5.19.10 @ 1:30PM
I can't believe I am reading responses from people begrudging a person who is successful. If you are willing to work hard and pay the price you can be successful. That is the beauty of America! I take Ben's article as a Diary footnote from a tired man who is enjoying the small things in life and deservedly so. I only flew first class during the Vietnam War when they moved me their from military standby and as I can barely remember I believe it was American Airlines. Ben does not flaunt his money like the leeches off the global warming scam.
Pete Peterson| 5.19.10 @ 2:16PM
C'mon people! Aspire! First class is great, the flight attendants treat you better and you can cross your legs. The check in lines are shorter, your bags rarely if ever get lost and your journey is much more peaceful. You're even first off the plane to the taxi. For a taste, the next time you have to fly within less than seven days check the price of a restricted business class ticket- you may be surprised- once you've been behind the curtain....
Unabridged| 5.19.10 @ 10:16PM
I don't begrudge Ben Stein's owning 700 homes, all in a row - if he can get that many on the beach in Malibu.
If he is not bragging, he's whining. We have lived through endless descriptions of his lavishing life's bounty on Tommy to Tommy's turning on him with the announcement that his life's ambition was to put as much geography between him and his father as possible - to apparently a reconciliation with teenage wedding bells...I may have missed some chapters. Then there are his maudlin stories about how grateful he is that our soldiers are willing to shed blood so he can go on living in splendor.....
Most of this crap belongs between Stein and his psychiatrist. Even his "need" to boast about his wealth .
Would you reading articles by Bob Tyrrell about his lifestyle and nothing else?
I am just saying it is old. If it is not old to you, Jack - and others, then that is why Ben is still writing for AmSpec.
Stein has become a caricature of himself - and the original hasn't made anyone laugh since Ferris Bueller. He never tells the reader what he spoke about at his many speaking engagements - only about the luxury he enjoyed getting there, staying there and returning to one of his many homes from there. Maybe when he gets to his speaking engagement, he begins by telling them about his flight on American in First Class, the humble but lovable limo driver, his suite at the hotel. . .
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