The American Spectator

March witnessed the realization of one of the Liberals’ oldest and most cherished goals, the national takeover of American health care. If you plan to get sick, do it now before any further damage to American medicine is achieved. The measure passed the House of Representatives by seven votes. Curiously, no national commentator noted that the health care monstrosity passed just days after the Postmaster General John E. Potter announced his intention to end Saturday mail delivery in 2011. The deficit-ridden Postal Service cannot afford it. We can only speculate as to how long it will be before the federally controlled health care system announces the closing of hospitals on Saturday and perhaps the inauguration of “Sick-Free Sundays” — days on which it would be unpatriotic to become ill and possibly felonious. We can say for a certitude, however, that if you are going to get sick it is best to get sick immediately and before your doctor joins a right-wing militia.

In the aftermath of federal health care passage “right-wing militias” have become a fixation with President Barack Obama’s supporters, and with good reason. As their numbers continue to dwindle they might eventually be outnumbered by militia members, many of whom sound as hysterical as the Obamaists. Eight of these lunatics were arrested in Michigan on the weekend of March 27 and charged with plotting to kill a police officer so as to set off a nationwide war against the government. The eight — seven men and what looked like a woman — are members of a group called the Hutaree whose total membership remains much smaller than that of the Michigan Democratic Party. Yet who knows how long the Michigan Democrats can maintain their lead? With the passage of Obamacare, the president’s support hit an all-time low. Nonetheless, there is some good news for Obamaists. From the pictures of the arrested Hutaree it is evident that all eight are mentally deranged and in need of immediate dental care — just the kind of people Obamacare is aimed at. Possibly in a few months the president will have the Hutaree on his side.

And by month’s end another celebrity appeared in the headlines, who most definitely will be a beneficiary of Obamacare. She is Miss Donna Simpson of Old Bridge, New Jersey, who at 532 pounds was the fattest woman ever to give birth in America. Now weighing 604 pounds, she hopes to become the fattest woman on earth. She says her “fantasy” is to weigh 1,000 pounds, and with Obamacare in place she just might make it with doctors and nurses on call. Upon achieving her 1,000 pound goal, however, she will not have become the fattest woman in history. That title is held by Mrs. Rosalie Bradford, late of Auburndale, Florida. Mrs. Bradford hit 1,199 pounds before she died, aged 63, in 2007. Had Obamacare been the law of the land in ‘07 this big fat slob might be alive today and bawling about the hellish insurance companies.

Mr. George Soros, the international speculator famed for breaking the Bank of England in 1992, may be at it again. According to a report in the UK’s Daily Mail, the syringe that was used in bringing the unfortunate Mr. Michael Jackson to room temperature will soon be put up for auction, and by month’s end its value had already been bid up to £3.3 million by shadowy figures around Las Vegas, Nevada’s notorious auction houses. If the force behind this speculating is indeed Mr. Soros, he will not be very popular with the Jackson family. According to an unnamed source quoted by the Mail, “Rumors are leaking thick and fast, and the Jackson family are aware of the plan. They are furious and incensed that someone is yet again trying to profit from him.” On the other hand, possibly Mr. Soros plans to bestow the Jackson syringe on the National Gallery of Art or perhaps on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio. It was not a happy month for Mrs. Michelle Obama, either. The Washington Examiner reports that her Chicago dress designer, Miss Maria Pinto, folded her boutique late in March. The busty brunette, famed for the “turquoise-beaded dress” that wowed the ignoramuses at the 2008 Democratic National Convention and for the purple “fist bump gown” Mrs. Obama wore the night of her husband’s nomination, remains unbowed. “I’m excited about the opportunity of repositioning myself,” she told a visibly uncomfortable AP reporter. “It’s hard to think about the future when you’re still in the moment.”

Speaking of couture, what has come to be considered the American woman’s national costume is under fire in Key West, Florida, where an unnamed 37-year-old woman plowed her car into the back of a stopped pickup truck while trying to shave her bikini line. According to state trooper Mr. Gary Dunick, the woman, while en route to a beachfront meeting with her new boyfriend, was shaving her pubic hair, as her ex-husband steered her vehicle. In other news, Mr. Goodluck Jonathan, the acting president of Nigeria, named 33 nominees to his new cabinet, only nine of whom served in the previous cabinet of the more pessimistically named Mr. Umaru Yar’Adua, who remains unwell after being treated for unspecified illness in Saudi Arabia, where a popular cure for pneumonia is still an old sock worn round the neck. Sudan’s President Omar al-Bashir became an unlikely hero to all right-thinking Americans. Responding to a pre-election recommendation from the Carter Center’s global elections monitoring pests to effect a “minor delay in polling for operational reasons,” President Bashir said, “We will cut off their fingers and crush them under our shoes.” The benefits of Global Warming keep coming in. More internationally disputed real estate has peacefully disappeared beneath the rising seas off the coast of India and Bangladesh, specifically New Moore Island in the Bay of Bengal. “What these two countries could not achieve from years of talking has been resolved by Global Warming,” observes a contented Professor Sugata Hazra, an esteemed oceanographer at Jadavpur University in Calcutta. As Americans continue to wrangle over the quiddities of gay marriage, an enlightened forward-looker in Japan has moved on to an entirely new plateau in the conjugal rights dispute. Mr. Lee Jin-gyu, 28, has finally tied the knot with his beloved “dakimakura,” which is Japanese for “hugging pillow.” Japanese men have in growing numbers fallen in love with their pillows, which many carry around with them and some take to lovers’ lanes. Mr. Jin is the first to enter into wedded bliss with his, whom he married in a traditional service before a very enlightened priest (denomination unknown, possibly Unitarian). And as divorce among gays in America becomes a problem, in Japan it is almost inconceivable one’s pillow will ever file for divorce. Moreover, sexually transmitted diseases are easily avoided in a marriage between a man and his pillow by a simple change of linen. Congratulations Mr. Lee, and now will Congressman Barney Frank take up the crusade for pillow marriage in the so-called Land of the Free?

Finally, late in March and to the ephemeral delight of Tea Parties back home, President Obama made an unannounced flight to Afghanistan. Unfortunately he promptly turned right around and returned to Washington. Those who suspected he was abdicating should have known better. If he were, he almost certainly would have flown to Venezuela.