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Lifestyles Left and Right
A Midlife Moment
It’s hard to be hip when you’re worried about breaking a hip.
It was a sunny, warm March day, the first truly pleasant day of the year, but there was a dark cloud on the horizon.
I had just finished a brisk walk around the block, enjoying the sun on my untanned face and the crisp winter air in my lungs, when I stopped at the mailbox. There was the usual junk: circulars, an ominous pink power bill, some coupons for junk food, and something that looked curiously like one of those magazines sent to AARP members.
It was one of those magazines sent to AARP members! There was the standard geezer actor on the cover grinning through his dentures (this time Michael Douglas), along with the stock articles: which adult diapers are the most absorbent, where to vacation free from obnoxious college kids on spring break, how to start your own geriatric motorcycle gang.
Granted, some of the articles interested me, like where to vacation without obnoxious college kids, but that was beside the point. Why was AARP sending me, of all people, their crummy magazine? I’m only 46, for crying out loud. Yes, I know “only 46” is a relative term. To my 16-year old son, I doubtless resemble some recently unearthed fossil from a bygone era. But I’m a long way from needing a walker. Most days.
Or am I?
That’s how they get you, those dadgum AARP folks — them with their fancy, high-priced marketing gurus. They plant little seeds of doubt and up springs the green shoots of uncertainty. Who knows, maybe they’re right? Maybe I am getting old.
See what I mean?
Until that fateful trip to the mailbox, I had thought of myself as middle aged. After all, the life expectancy of the American male is 78. So half of that would be 39.
Maybe that’s not a good way to look at it. A better plan is to see middle age not as an exact age, but more of a range. Like 35-45, more or less.
Or maybe the range shouldn’t be ten years, but twenty. Let’s say 35-55. Why not? I wanted to see what the experts thought, so I went online, which proves two things: that I don’t know where to find experts, and that I’m still middle aged. A real AARP member couldn’t even figure out how to turn on a computer, let alone look something up. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, which I would never dream of second guessing because it has both Oxford and English in its name: “the period between youth and old age [is] about 45 to 60.” So, on the authority of the venerable and estimable OED, I’ve barely tasted middle age. Take that AARP.
Less reassuring was the definition of the U.S. Census Bureau, which, even though it is a government agency run by sluggish bureaucratic drones, still gets to call the official shots. The Bureau lists two periods of middle age, a sort of lower middle age of 35 to 44, and an upper middle age of 45 to 54. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to this division other than the general idea that, as far as bureaucrats are concerned, the more categories the better.
OF COURSE, YOU don’t have to be a retired person or a person at retirement age to be a member of AARP. You need only be 50 years old, which I will be soon enough, thank you. And, as my much younger girlfriend never fails to point out, there are benefits to AARP membership. Such as “senior” discounts for travel and dining. Oooooh, I can’t wait to sign up for one of their “exciting spiritual journeys and pilgrimages” to the Yakov Smirnoff Theater in Branson, Missouri.
Needless to say, I was, for the rest of the afternoon, in a blue funk, which soon darkened into a brown study. I turned up the thermostat and wrapped myself in a warm quilt and I sat in my rocking chair and fumed. My girlfriend brought me some chamomile tea and some stewed prunes and put on my Tommy Dorsey records to try to cheer me up. And there I sat, glaring at that damn AARP magazine in my lap, until, at length, I sighed and surrendered the last of my youth. “Might as well read this article about how to avoid telemarketing scams,” I muttered to myself.
That was when my girlfriend leaned over and said, “You blind old idiot. This magazine isn’t address to you. It’s address to somebody named Gertrude Freen.”
“What?” I shouted. “Quick, fetch me my readin’ glasses!”
About the Author
Christopher Orlet writes from St. Louis.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (65) | Leave a comment
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Richard Baker| 3.5.10 @ 8:09AM
As I tell my High School students, "Don't get old, there's no future in it." Of course, 14-15 year olds just stare at me when I say that.
Curtis| 3.5.10 @ 8:19AM
There used to be a car commercial were a man was taking his little kid through a department store, and saw the car of his dreams wrapped up on a shelf like an RC toy.
the slogan, "Grow up, Not old," has always kind of stuck in my head.
R Martin| 3.5.10 @ 8:29AM
Anyone who submits to representation by the AARP is definitely old...too old. Not to mention politically naive.
scythe| 3.5.10 @ 10:11AM
AARP is a left wing front group as so many of us realized during the ObamaCare debate. I don't care how many "discounts" they offer, they can stuff it. The health care mess finally unmasked who they are: just more liberals/progressives/marxists in grandma's bedclothes.
steve| 3.5.10 @ 6:03PM
AMEN, BROTHER
Ken (Old Texican)| 3.5.10 @ 10:23AM
Young Christopher, Thank you.
I truly needed a belly laugh this morning.
And I agree with scythe. The AARP is screwed up.
Sheila| 3.5.10 @ 11:18AM
There are just as many old fools as there are young ones - I would submit that most of them indeed merely grew old and not up. I may be 51 but, as I tell my elementary-age son, I will never be an old lady, waiting until I get to the front of the checkout line before I begin fumbling in my purse for my pennies (or demanding that the "government" keep its hands off "my" medicare). Faugh! Never! Live free or die; decline and fall.
DrTomVoter| 3.5.10 @ 11:46AM
Not knowing any better at the time, I joined AARP at the age of 50, and was quickly notified that my spouse automatically qualified for membership. She was 40 at the time, closer to high school than retirement. Kindly, grey haired people in thier 60s, indeed! What a scam.
Jim| 3.5.10 @ 11:46AM
Belly laugh is right "old texan". I would have been just as pissed and just as relieved had I been in Mr. Orlet's shoes. Very funny. Unfortunately I'm in older ones so I'm afraid the solicitations ARE addressed to me. I open them up and write a short note; something like, "I have no plans to join your communist organization" or "I will never support any organization that supported John Kerry and Barack Obama." Then I send it back to them in the postage paid envelope that came inside. I'll be damned if I'm gonna sell out for a few dollars off this and that. Screw 'em. :)
Bruce | 3.5.10 @ 12:04PM
I started getting mailings from that bunch of commies when I turned 50 - 13 years ago. What I did was load up the pre-paid envelope provided and send it right back to them with a "stop sending me this crap" note inside. Took a while but they eventually got the point. Then it started with my wife a year later. same plan.
I would seriously recommend anyone looking for an organization that represents conservative-leaning seniors take a look at the American Seniors Association website and join them instead of A--P. Endorsed by Glenn Beck and many other conservatives, and they offer at least as many discount plans as that other bunch. New is a dental insurance plan as well for $29/mo.
I joined with my wife. Very happy.
Bruce | 3.5.10 @ 12:05PM
Forgot to include the link to their site:)
http://www.americanseniors.org/
DLC| 3.5.10 @ 12:11PM
Anybody who decides not to grow old had better realized that the Force is not with them ...
Irish Spectre| 3.5.10 @ 12:42PM
A forty-something year-old who has any interest at all in at least exhibiting a little dignity as he ages (especially one with an adolescent child) would do well to start by refraining from referring to his significant other as his "girlfriend". The term has such a tacky aura about it when claimed by a middle ager, sort of like hairplugs!!
Ken (Old Texican)| 3.5.10 @ 1:19PM
OK Irish,
In the spirit of the article may I suggest alternates.
1. Woman friend
2. Lady friend
3. Female chandelier partner
4. Squeeze of the post-menopausal persuasion
5. Gray headed ski-bunny companion
6. Interesting bikini wearer
Or my favorite:
"Honey, you are just as lovely as when I met you, but if you are self conscious of your badges of honor, just move the candle a little further from the bed."
7. My candle mover whoopee partner
gil knappmiller| 3.5.10 @ 1:02PM
--at 69, I just tell young people that I'm approaching middle age--if they question that , my explanation is that I'm approaching from a different direction than they are--
Mitch| 3.5.10 @ 1:54PM
I used to think "You are as young as you feel" referred to one's physical body. It is much more an emotional thing, however. People get emotionally "stuck" at an early age. I'm 58, perpetually feeling stuck at about 35 or so. My wife , though 59, is emotionally stuck at about 25 or so, the perpetual young new-age adult. I have a ham radio friend, 81, who feels perpetually 55. Fortunately, it appears no one gets stuck at an emotional age older than they are, though I'll bet that's possible.
Mitch| 3.5.10 @ 1:57PM
One thing nice about all the comments from an over-30 crowd here. Excellent punctuation, capitalization, and coherency is a "given". Yea!
Grzmlyk| 3.5.10 @ 2:12PM
Mitch, why the hate?
You are discriminating against those who do not employ excellent punctuation, capitalization and coherency.
Who are you people - the good punctuators, capilizers and coherent one (i.e., the "evil grammar-rich") - to judge morons who cannot string a sentence together to save their lives? Those people deserve a hand out, not the back of your hand.
This is why I support Ezekiel Emanuel's initiative for taking sections of the brains from people like you and implanting them in the skulls of idiots. Because, unlike you, I want the world to be fair, and everyone knows you don't make the world fair by lifting up the disadvantaged; you make the world fair by bringting down the advantaged. And by celebrating diversity (six of one, half-dozen of the other).
Such bigotry is to be expected from you right wing haters.
PLEASE NOTE: THE ABOVE IS A JOKE. :-)
Grzmlyk| 3.5.10 @ 2:14PM
I hate it when I don't proofread - particularly when I'm calling attention to the willfully illiterate:
That should have read, " the good punctuators, capitalizers and coherent ones."
Ish.
Maxey| 3.8.10 @ 6:15AM
Your punctuation is not correct. The period should come after the word "given."
Northern Rebel| 3.5.10 @ 3:03PM
Funny stuff, Old Texican! :o)
I had turned 50, and these guys in the parking lot out back were in their early 20's, and shooting hoops. I would tease them a little, shooting a 15 footer lefthanded, with groceries in my right hand, and stuff like that.
I played high school ball, and they were always trying to get me to play, and I always gracefully declined.
Until one day, when I was a bit depressed.
I got out of my recliner, and went out back, and told them,
"I'm 50 yrs old, so you have to give me the best player, if you want me to play."
They did, and off we went, two on two, make it take it. (That means if you score, you get the ball back.)
I quickly found out that I had ZERO stamina!
To make a long story short, My teammate and I won, and I did it with brains, not athletic gifts. I was so tired that I couldn't even drink half of the light beer, (light=YUK) and I promptly went back to my recliner, and proceeded to hack up half of one of my lungs.
But.............
I WON!
I am now a permanent legend in these kid's minds, and I'm smart enough to keep it that way, by NEVER PLAYING AGAIN!
Big Jim| 3.5.10 @ 3:25PM
I just send back the empty envelopes so the commies have to pay the postage.
Ken (Old Texican)| 3.5.10 @ 3:31PM
Rebel, that was great!
A couple of thoughts:
1. drink scotch... you still hurt but don't care.
2. buy some Sir walter Raleigh "Aromatic" and smoke it in a graybow pipe. Inhale to your heart's content. (mellow and smooth)
3. I teach baseball (avocation) check out my baseball teaching book, at amazon.com "Beans About Baseball" some three million plus sales now. Sunday, I fell on my butt teaching my seven year old grandson to catch fly balls. The best joke he has seen in months.
Dave | 3.5.10 @ 4:01PM
Great read. Funny.
Thanks.
Richard Baker| 3.5.10 @ 5:42PM
Ken:
Except for Beam instead of Scotch, I like the cut of your jib on this subject.
Ken (Old Texican)| 3.5.10 @ 6:00PM
Hi Richard.
I learned a seriously neat trick...thirty years ago.
Pour scotch UNDER your tounge. (neat with a spash of water of course...no ice).
Your saliva(sic) glands change it into liquid sunshine.
In a pinch, jack black is OK, but walker red is just ............................................................................................................................................................................ delightful that way.
(smile)
The only problem I have at my age is that I lose count of drinks.
(My wife truly does like the chandelier, and I can't get up there easily after ??? johnnies.
Northern Rebel| 3.6.10 @ 12:42AM
Ken:
Since I'm close to the Canadian border, I use Canadian Rye, (Crown Royal) but we appear to think alike!
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Soon 2B in Midlife| 3.6.10 @ 2:35PM
I am 56 and plan to live to 120, so as I tell MY younger wife I'll have my midlife crisis, get a Harley and 2 - 20 somethings so I can have a 40 year old fling... That's when she says," Remember, if you divorce me you get the kids." And then I sit at my computer and read articles on geriatric care.
Franklin| 3.7.10 @ 2:37AM
I've been gettin AARP crap for decades now. Just toss 'em in the garbage - oops, I mean recylcing...yeah.
I've been told I don't have an inner child; I have an inner adult.
Maybe when I'm 89 I'll sit on my porch in my rocking chair yelling at kids cutting thru my yard. ... Nah. I'll probably be blowing bubbles of the porch.
Just hope the neighbors don't call the guys in white coats.
Margie| 3.7.10 @ 12:15PM
I find it highly insulting that AARP sends me things in the mail waaaay before I'm eligible. That's gotta be their worst sin. LOL.
Worepoutoldman| 3.7.10 @ 9:26AM
I also told my wife I was going to get two twenty year old cuties. She said I wasn't wired for 220.
Richard Baker| 3.7.10 @ 11:02AM
Worepoutoldman:
Great comment. It was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?
Jim Woodward| 3.7.10 @ 12:07PM
Heading for 63 this year. "Little Feat" had a line in a song: "When your mind makes a promise, your body can't fulfill ...." Starting to ring true.
Give a listen to "Time Loves a Hero", a codgers anthem.
WRJonas| 3.7.10 @ 10:35PM
Who gives a hoot about AARP? The secret is to embrace the wonder of life regardless of the circumstances. From a perspective of over three quarters of a century I can state positively the view looking back is marvelous because the elevated perspective is higher . Ahead is the wonderful experience of the resurrection and paradise. What a journey life is !
Bill Charlton| 3.8.10 @ 10:05AM
At the age of 73, going on 74, I will do with AARP mailings what I have alway done for the last two decades -- throw them in the trash, where they belong.
age related| 3.9.10 @ 4:47AM
Old age for women is when they stop lying about their age and start bragging about it.
Geezerdom for men is the dated look of a 60's gold neck chain he got back in fern bar days . A tip: Doesn't go with grey chest hair.
Blaine from Adult Diapers Onli | 3.9.10 @ 5:45PM
Should adult diapers be a need, here is a site that is very discrete and private yet very helpful. Lots of people don't want to use these but have to in order to maintain their freedom and lifestyle. Adult-Diapers-Online.com