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Makeup artists on the morning commute.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve watched women arrive in public places and make themselves up. No doubt they do this out of necessity — they’re pressed for time — but it always seems as if they’re parading the secrets of their art, like magicians carrying rabbits and top hats around in open view. But magicians don’t walk onstage without making sure the rabbit is properly stowed and ready for the performance. Women think nothing of stepping out for the day in mid-rehearsal.
Take a recent morning. I occupied the window seat in a two-seat berth on the Metro North commuter train into New York City. About halfway through the trip, a woman boarded and sat next to me in the aisle seat. She worked on her laptop until we reached Harlem, which is the point in the trip just before the train enters the tunnel leading into Grand Central Station. From there, it takes about 10 minutes to come to a stop on the platform and discharge passengers. Some forward-thinking riders get up and move to the head of their respective cars or to the adjoining section between cars in order to beat the crowd when the doors open. Normally I am among the most devoted practitioners of this tactic.
But on this morning, when the train pulled out of Harlem, the woman closed her laptop and broke out an array of tubes, mirrors, and other transformative agents. As the train labored through the tunnel, she worked furiously with the tools on her lap, wafting her eyelashes with those tiny brushes and sloshing her face with goop and painting her eyelids with eye shadow. Even if manners had not precluded my asking her if I could pass, the sheer magnitude of the operation taking place in her lap would have.
I didn’t bother wondering why she would wait until entering the tunnel to do her makeup. Such questions never have satisfactory answers. So I stayed put and jealously watched other passengers fill the aisle. And then, as suddenly as she had brought them out, she packed up her tools into what turned out to be three bags. I’d only seen one when she sat down. All were black with various reddish patterns, which complemented her coat with amazing symphonic precision. (It’s all so wonderfully bewildering and always has been.)
Standing in the aisle now, she suddenly turned to me and said, “Sorry.” I wasn’t sure what she was apologizing for, but I hoped that it might be for my entrapment. Hope is the thing with feathers, Emily Dickinson said. It makes sense that a woman would point that out. A man would not be-feather hope; he would barely adorn it at all. For a man, hope would be a minimally plumed bird that had already taken to the skyways, on time and unobstructed.
I should say that women doing their makeup in public do not normally inconvenience me. In fact the whole operation is generally rather pleasing to observe. And unlike more recent personal assaults on public space, the makeup routine probably dates back to long before I was born. I’d have thought that in decades past, when propriety and modesty were more valued, such behavior would not have been tolerated in respectable circles. Since we now live in an age that mostly regards the inhibitions of our forebears as silly, harmful, or both, I wonder what might be the next barrier to fall. Already our phone conversations are public; our music, once a private refuge, is shared with unwilling strangers, since many of us lack the manners to control the volume on that most execrable of all modern technologies, the iPod.
Why should women’s public grooming stop at their makeup? Could the blouse be next? Say the woman boards the train wearing only a bra, like Seinfeld’s Sue Ellen Mischke, blouse slung casually over her arm like a man’s sport jacket; or she’s half-buttoned — pressed for time, she had to make the 7:13! — and proceeds to finish beside an unlucky, or deeply blessed, male passenger. Or perhaps the woman steps aboard with her hair still bundled in a bath towel, in that pyramid-like style of wrap that women seem to be born knowing and men cannot learn even if they had hair worth wrapping. These scenarios may sound unlikely, but so did the sight of teenaged girls wearing jeans slung low enough to audition for dishwasher-repairman school.
There’s no point complaining about the double standards involved in all of this. Of course men do not and cannot board trains and begin shaving, or applying their deodorant, or brushing their teeth. They would lose whatever dignity they have managed to preserve into adulthood and post-industrial work. For most men these tasks take fewer than 10 minutes, and leaving the house without doing them probably means that they’re not going to work that day.
I haven’t asked other men for their views on the public makeup routine. I’d guess most of us file it away in that part of our brains reserved for other social oddities that reward indifference — in this case, because nothing good has ever come of questioning a woman’s cosmetic prerogatives. I’d guess, too, that most of us are more chivalrous than we’re given credit for, and we appreciate that some women still see their task as did Maud Gonne’s sister, who tells Yeats in one of his poems that women “must labour to be beautiful.” We must never tell them that they don’t need to labor nearly so hard. As if we’re going anywhere.
Besides, there are far more puzzling things than a woman’s public grooming exhibition. Try waiting for her to finish the task at home when you’re due somewhere and time is short. Even after 10 years, I still cannot gauge where my wifeis in what I call “The Prep.” The general rule is that my intuition will prove opposite of the reality. So I might see her, for example, still in robe and with her hair up, moving at a relaxed pace, and when I look at my watch in terror, she’ll say, “I’m done, honey. We’re on time. You can back the car out.” Or I might come upon her dressed and seemingly made up, but hurtling across the bedroom, various items of product trailing in her wake as she tells me, “I’m really sorry, I’m running behind! Do you have the driving directions?” The mystery of what women do before they come and go cannot be understood, only accepted.
“You just have to factor it in,” as a family member once said, more to himself than to me — he was pacing and looking at his watch — while we waited for our wives to come downstairs, already irretrievably late. He was right. Men learn, and learn again, that women appear when they’re good and ready — though they’re still not ready.
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H/T to National Review Online
Dana| 3.4.10 @ 6:29AM
Loved it! You should teach my husband to be more patient! I will ask him to read this! & pass to all males!
online pharmacy guru | 11.7.10 @ 7:11AM
i totally agree. If you driving and stop at red light. you can alway see thru car mirror back car lady doing lipstic or using some sort of make up. online pharmacy
PCC| 3.4.10 @ 6:43AM
Same as it ever was.
Chuck Poore| 3.4.10 @ 7:31AM
In metro Atlanta where I live, most people go to work by car, not by train or bus. However, this phenomenon still reigns--except that in our case the women are putting on make-up while they are driving! Nothing is more frustrating (and frightening from a safety standpoint) than being behind a woman who pulls down the sun-shade mirror and starts applying eye make-up at every red-light, or at every point the traffice stops. Why? Because invariably, she is the first in line at the red light, and she never notices when it turns green, and even when she does notice, it takes a few moments for her to put aside her tools and get her hands on the wheel. And since so many green lights around here only let a few cars go before turning red again, this can cause you to wait yet another red light cycle (of course the woman in front always manages to get through even if no one else does). I have never understood why a woman can't get up ten minutes earlier to avoid this travesty!
RAMIII| 3.4.10 @ 1:06PM
You should see it when they apply their wares, while DRIVING in rush hour traffic. They don't wait for the red lights.
Gary Wood| 3.4.10 @ 7:50AM
I particularly liked the lines about women not needing to labor so hard to be beautiful. I've tried to convince my wife and daughters of this fact regarding make up. (to no avail of course!)
Le Cracquere| 3.4.10 @ 8:00AM
There is a damnable double standard at work here. A lady in a hurry may rush from her vanity mirror with makeup kit in hand and finish up on the train, but let just ONE gentleman in a hurry rush from the lavatory with toilet paper in hand ... and the train gendarmes come out of the woodwork. Bah.
Janie| 3.4.10 @ 1:55PM
Gross!
Melvin| 3.4.10 @ 8:11AM
My morning commute is in a motor vehicle and the same ritual is performed from traffic light to traffic light.
It is an amazing ballet conducted by the female species. One traffic light the eyelashes is applied, next traffic light the eye shadow brushed.
My wife of 27 years still comments when we are about to go out, and I'll sit on the bed silently watching her proceed into her ritual which hasn't changed one bit through the years.
She'll make annoyed comments like, "How many years have you seen get ready and you still sit there and watch me." "Yup," I reply and now I have been joined by our Walker Hound who sits next to my legs and he also silently observes the
Mrs.
My wife's frustrations finally overwhelm her and she demands, "Will you two get out of her so I can finish."
I usually reply to her, "You know when we met you weren't wearing any make-up... and not much of anything else either, heee, heeeee," as I and the pooch leave my wife ritualistic transformation.
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JoeVinist| 3.4.10 @ 8:53AM
A woman's prerogative to phard in public must be tolerated by the lusting beasts.
John M| 3.4.10 @ 9:23AM
This incident reminds me of an episode Rush Limbaugh recounts from his early days on radio. He told his audience that he objected to the practice of women farding while they drove to work. He received a spate of angry calls demanding to know just how could he tell. He said: “Well, you can see them.”
scythe| 3.4.10 @ 9:28AM
I took used to take the same train as you. Saw what you described all the time. I thought it was rude and off putting. Bordering on unsanitary. If you thought that was bad, you should be thankful she wasn't doing her hair. Then you would have to worry about other "ingredients" added to the mix. I sat next to a woman once who did everything but gargle and spit. Whatever happened to public decorum? Like you said, modesty? The whole point of makeup is to hide what you don't want to public to see. At that point everyone on the train has seen what a mess you are without it. The damage has already been done. What's the point? The whole exercise is so low brow.
Janie| 3.4.10 @ 2:08PM
Applying makeup in public is low brow? Agreed, but watching you men pick your noses while driving is downright disgusting.
Glasshouses, gentlemen.
Richard Baker| 3.4.10 @ 9:36AM
scythe:
Public decorum was lost when the Baby Boomers became adults. The most narcissistic generation in US history has the attitude that "I can do anything I want and when I want it." That's why so many of their female children affect the Prostitute Look in public and the boys look like street bums or is it the other way around? Public decorum? What's that?
Bruce | 3.4.10 @ 10:50AM
I recall as a youngster on those rare occasions when my folks could afford to take my older sister and myself out for dinner, Mom would always excuse herself from the table and retire to the ladies room to fix her lipstick. My sister would not DARE to do so sitting at the table. EVER. It just was not done.
Denise| 3.4.10 @ 2:23PM
Bruce,
The grace and class you have described here have nothing to do with socioeconomic status, although, unfortunately, they do seem to have become relics of a bygone era. I am not yet forty and I was trained by my mother and the generation before her never, ever to "primp" in public in any way. Furthermore, although many of our clothes were hand-me-downs from relatives, we never left the house wearing anything in need of ironing or with so much as a thread hanging. I wonder what has become of personal dignity when I see people out and about in pajama pants and flip-flops. I'll never forget the episode of "I Love Lucy" in which Lucy gets the loving cup trophy stuck on her head. She needs Ethel to accompany her to a downtown metalsmith to have it removed. To Lucy's consternation, Ethel insists on changing her clothes before they make the trip, quipping, "In my blue jeans?! I've never ridden on the subway in my blue jeans, and I'm not about the start now!" I can only imagine how they might have viewed a woman applying makeup in public. I'll ask my grandmother; I'll bet she will charitably refer to such behavior as "unladylike."
Janie| 3.4.10 @ 2:03PM
Look in the mirror, Baker, you're a narcissistic Boomer, too.
Sour old man, I hope no young girl has had the misfortune of having to call you 'dad'.
Bruce | 3.4.10 @ 10:47AM
During the course of my LE career - I stopped and summonsed a number of women performing this ritual ... "while driving."
On the other hand - I also stopped and summonsed a number of men who took the opportunity to shave, read the paper, or eat breakfast ... while "driving."
Now ... toss in cellphones (which we did not have in my day), laptop computers, texting, as well as the tried and true makeup application (how the hell do women DO that, anyway?) and shaving/eating/reading ... and we have a pretty good reason why auto insurance rates are what they are.
Morley| 3.4.10 @ 1:08PM
It must be a generational thing (for the most part). My wife of twenty five years is getting close to the sixty year mark and has never left the house brfore completing the application of her war paint.
HelenChicago| 3.20.10 @ 1:30PM
Ha! "War paint." I haven't heard that in years.
pablo| 3.4.10 @ 5:45PM
Gentlemen, I have discovered the two secrets that will help you all:
A) get a job where you have to get out way earlier than everyone else. I leave home at 6am
B) marry the most beautiful woman in the world, and I guarantee you will never be late because of her makeup ritual. Whoops, sorry guys, the most beautiful woman in the world is taken, and she's mine. But get someone kind of like her then. We've never been late for anything because of her "makeup time"
Janie| 3.4.10 @ 6:53PM
What a doll! Your wife's a lucky woman, Pablo.
Richard Baker| 3.4.10 @ 5:58PM
Janie:
You must be one of those mothers who allowed their daughter to affect the "Streetwalker" motif. If it looks like a duck... Janie Dear, I may have been born in 1952 but I didn't become another case of arrested development as are so many of the Boomer crowd. Hugs and kisses.
Janie| 3.4.10 @ 6:50PM
I have four sons, Baker, and three are serving in the military; so you know what you can do with your childish 'duck' comment.
Sadly, God didn't give me a daughter, but if He had, I know she would have made her family proud, too.
You sound like a Baby Boomer; selfish, full of regrets and bitter. Pity.
Skinner| 3.4.10 @ 8:06PM
Janie:
Take it a little easy on Richard.
Daddy's have a special place in our hearts for our little girls, no matter how may there are, or how old they get.
Mine daughters are 24 and 12, the oldest about to get married to a great guy. I still get a little psychotic about their appearance. Just ask 'em.
We also have two sons in between.
Tell your sons that not only is their mother proud of them.
Skinner| 3.4.10 @ 8:09PM
Sorry, should have been "how many", not "may"
Richard Baker| 3.4.10 @ 11:03PM
Janie:
Not selfish and full of regrets, at all. When I see young girls walking around with the Prostitute Look, I realize that they weren't raised by anyone but Baby Boomers. You know the Generation that believes "Take care of my responsibilities, raise my kids, so I can go play." The same Generation that glorified drug use for 30-35+ years and now is aghast that the drug dealers are overrunning communities with murder and rampant violence. That Generation. Hopefully the country will survive the most narcissistic and self-indulgent Generation in our history. Truth hurts, I suppose.
Janie| 3.5.10 @ 3:25AM
You're right about America's moral decline, only a fool would disagree, but you're wrong when you only place blame on the Boomers.
The young girls you see who "affect the prostitute look" these days have been raised by the generation AFTER the Boomers. They are the grand daughters of the Boomer generation. Can't blame everything on grandma and grandpa--mom and dad bear some responsibility, too.
You condemn your entire generation, which is ridiculous and simplistic--it also obscures the truth. No one made the younger generations behave badly; they are as responsible for their actions as the Boomers.
We are ALL at fault for allowing liberalism to corrode our moral fabric. Don't condemn the MANY GOOD Boomers for the moral rot of liberalism--blame the liberals in EVERY generation.
By pointing your finger at one generation you let liberals off the hook, and why would you want to let liberals off the hook? I don't--their stinking permissive social policies are destroying our country.
And that truth hurts a lot, doesn't it Baker?
Denise| 3.5.10 @ 11:37AM
Sorry, Janie, maybe it is wrong to place ALL the blame at Baby Boomers' feet, but Baby Boomers are the ones who let their 10- and 12-year-old daughters go out dressed in low-class lingerie in imitation of that upstanding model of feminine grace and dignity, Madonna. I know, because I was there, at that age. Those mothers would not necessarily have identified themselves as liberals, either; mostly they seemed to want to remain forever (vicariously) young and hip by palling around with their daughters. My mother would have grounded me until I was 30 if I had ever tried dressing that way. But I never had the inclination, because my mother wisely forbade cable television in our house.
Richard Baker| 3.5.10 @ 8:29AM
Janie:
And who taught the next generation in this scenario to act disinterested in anything but their narcissistic desires? Answer, the Boomers who made a massive historic break with morality, self-control, and civility. Peace and Love from the Woodstock generation? Hardly. AIDS, rampant drug abuse, general sexual insanity, the rise of militant anti-social behavior, and the Prostitute Look arose from the ashes of the most spoiled and self-indulgent generation in our history. God Save the United States. Pogo was right.
Janie| 3.5.10 @ 4:07PM
I don't know what you're sorry about, Denise, you agree with me. Don't you people read comments BEFORE you reply to them?
I never said Boomers aren't culpable for their screw ups, I just said Boomers aren't responsible for ALL of our country's moral decline. It's intellectual laziness to claim otherwise.
So now you're saying that Conservative Boomer mothers dressed their daughters like the tramp Madonna so they themselves could remain ever young? Baloney.
I don't know your definition of 'conservative' but it obviously differs from mine.
Every generation makes mistakes--including those before and after the Baby Boomer generation. Young girls dress like trash today? Hold their mothers accountable--not their grandmothers.
Boomers are no different than any one else, it's just easy to pick on them rather than pointing out the real culprit: LIBERALISM!
Denise| 3.5.10 @ 9:47PM
Janie: "...I just said Boomers aren't responsible for ALL of our country's moral decline."
Right. That's why I said, "...maybe it is wrong to place ALL the blame at Baby Boomers' feet." Did you read my response? What are you so angry about?
Furthermore, I never said "conservative mothers." I said, "mothers who would not necessarily identify themselves as liberals." Is everyone in this country a hard-line one or the other? Were they in the Eighties?
If you didn't see the mothers and daughters dressed alike, cheering on Madonna at her concerts in the Eighties, you must not have been watching the news. What is so hard to believe about the daughters raised in that fashion back then growing up to become the mothers who have raised today's daughters with more permissiveness than modesty? I would hold any mother from any time period accountable for instilling in a daughter the idea that the way to build self-esteem is with sex appeal rather than achievement, wouldn't you?
By the way, I am very well aware that not all Baby Boomers were responsible for the nation's moral decline. I'm married to one.
Janie| 3.5.10 @ 10:05PM
Denise, I'm not angry--you are projecting: I just observed that you agreed with me.
Of course I saw those foolish mothers in the eighties, just as I see the foolish mothers of today at Britney Spears concerts who allow their daughters to dress like prostitutes. I just believe that EVERY generation is responsible for its own actions and it's wrong to blame just one.
My original point was directed at Baker: Immorality didn't start with the Boomers and it won't end with the youngsters of today.
Good vs evil has been with us since the beginning and all good people have to stand together if we are to prevail.
I believe Baker's divisive attitude is self-serving and toxic. He hurts the Conservative cause.
Denise| 3.5.10 @ 11:00PM
You are correct in saying that we're all responsible for our own actions, and Boomers certainly have no exclusive claim on immorality among generations. But many Baby Boomers themselves will confirm that there was in fact a great attitude shift in the Sixties and Seventies toward relaxed standards of behavior, dress, and social responsibility (two very popular books from the era: "I'm OK, You're OK" and "Looking out for Number 1"). Many decry it, but as we all know, there are those who celebrate it as "liberation" from old social "constraints." Perhaps it's coincidental, but Baby Boomers are getting the blame here because their coming-of-age and young adulthood are when it started. But let's get away from the morality question and back to the point of this article: public propriety in appearance. All you need to do is examine photography from past eras and you will see that once upon a time, people (of all socioeconomic strata) dressed when they went out in public, because appearance was a matter of personal dignity (see my response to Bruce's comment above). Today we dress in sloppy knits (and I'm certainly guilty of this sometimes) and call it casual. Even our President cannot get the rules governing formalwear right. Just look in Life Magazine from the Fifties and early Sixties and you'll see photos of men in suits and hats at baseball games, of all places. And back then, a woman applying makeup in public was viewed to be not merely unladylike, but advertising.
Janie| 3.5.10 @ 11:57PM
I agree that Boomers get blamed because they came of age during the sixties; I just wish more people would say "Liberal Boomers." Obama is a little young to be considered a Boomer and I think he's a terrible threat to our nation.
I don't think it's generational, I think it's ideological.
Even though I think many people take casual wear too far these days and dress like slobs, it's nice not to be uptight all the time, too. I do prefer the individual expression we have now.
You sound like a good person; I pray we Conservatives will stand together and find common ground so that we can take our country back. We need all the help we can get.
Denise| 3.6.10 @ 11:50AM
Janie,
We do agree on many things, and you sound like a good person, too. You are so right that Conservatives must not fracture, but stand together. Whatever anyone may think of Rush Limbaugh, he is correct in saying that Liberal Democrats would like nothing better than to see us split our votes, which will keep them in power.
As for modern fashion, I admit that I am very glad not to be subject to corsets, girdles, garters, and torpedo bras.
Oh, and hard plastic, spiky rollers like my mother used to sleep in (but, to the point of the article, would sooner have died than wear in public!). :-)
Janie| 3.5.10 @ 4:33PM
Baker, if your tunnel vision makes you feel good-- go for it! We can agree to disagree.
I guess it's easier to use the Boomer generation as a hate focal point for all of America's problems rather than admitting that the source of our moral breakdown is more complex and involves more than just one generation.
I just think it's strange and a little psycho that the only group of Americans you regularly rip into is your own. It smacks of self hatred.
My older brother and his friends were drafted and sent to Vietnam--they were good and decent men--and I object to lumping them, and many other great Boomers I've known, together with the liberal freaks that are destroying our country.
I also believe you insult the younger generations by treating them like they're mind-numbed robots, incapable of independent moral behavior.
Why don't we all take responsibility for our actions instead of blaming them on others? That's what liberals do.
Richard Baker| 3.5.10 @ 8:41AM
Janie:
My observations do not condemn all Baby Boomers but the net effect of this generation is still the same. This generation has too long had a collective mindset that set the stage for the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and his coterie who believe that the American experiment is, if not a failure, the most malignant force on Earth. Meanwhile, our generation has also demanded the present ravenous consumer society and the concept of the nanny state and the "everything has to become mine, if I want it" mentality. This has been passed down to the present young generation. Under a coat-of-arms for our bunch would be the word "hedonism." Do you get out much?
Janie| 3.5.10 @ 4:44PM
On the contrary! Your observations DO condemn ALL Baby Boomers; you NEVER bother to differentiate between the Liberal and Conservative Boomers. Do you ever read your own posts? Do you read mine?
I've written numerous times that our country is in moral decline (in case you've missed my prior posts), I just think it's simplistic and intellectually lazy of you to only blame the Boomers for this decline.
I guess you can't discern my point, perhaps it's too esoteric for you to understand. I wish it were only the Boomer's fault, it would mean that the younger generations were morally superior and would save our country.
Unfortunately for us, I just don't see it.
Richard Baker| 3.5.10 @ 5:38PM
Janie:
My answers have been about the net effect of the Boomers as a generation. Look about and you will discover that we now suffer from evils that did not exist until the Age of Aquarius. I've been saying these same things since the early '80s and the only generational change is that we've gotten older. These problems didn't happen overnight but our generation demanded certain social changes and now we're paying the price nationally. You are correct, I don't differentiate based upon politics/party affiliation or Liberal/Conservative. Any generation that venerates Catcher in the Rye (a boring book) is a bit unbalanced. Au revoir/auf Wiedersehen.
Janie| 3.5.10 @ 10:10PM
There is none so blind as he who will not see.
I prefer to think as an individual--herdthink has never appealed to me.
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