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Ben Stein's Diary
I’m Being Tested
A recession survival guide from our indispensable monthly Diarist.
FRIDAY
D-day. After many weeks and even months of resisting my doctor’s urgings to get an angiogram, off I go with said doctor, Paul Grodan, MD, to get the damned test. I am having my driver, Mr. Milkey Imtiaz, drive me down there to a hospital in a faraway neighborhood called Torrance. I am scared but I have taken Valium and it helps a lot. Plus Dr. Grodan is talking nonstop so that’s distracting.
The test comes after a long period of breathlessness. Now, this breathlessness comes and goes. I felt totally breathless when Irving Kristol died. I felt as if I would die from lack of oxygen when Bill Safire died. But if I swim for an hour (well, maybe half an hour), I feel great. Actually, since my other great doc, Bill Skinner, MD, gave me Singulair, I have felt a lot better. But Dr. Grodan thinks I may die of heart disease at any second so I am having the test. He actually sent me a letter warning me I was about to die.
I love my life and I am not eager to die right now, so I am doing this test. I think the idea is that if I show signs of blockage, they will put a stent in me within a day or two. I promise I will not like that at all. But, as a brave old soldier, actually, a total whining crybaby, I am having the test.
What they do, see, is they lay me down and shoot a radioactive contrast dye into my big juicy veins. Then, thanks to General Electric, we have a powerful CAT Scan 64-slice thing take millions of microscopic images of my heart and its adjacent arteries. The part that scares me is the needle. I HATE NEEDLES. I always have hated needles and feared them. I do not like anyone at all shooting radioactive dye into my veins. Or taking anything out of my veins.
However, the capable people at this lab froze my skin at the elbow with something so I didn’t even feel the needle and I actually felt quite good throughout. I prayed to God and thanked God for my parents, for Nixon, for my sister, and for Alex and the dogs and Tommy, and I sang the Montgomery Blair fight song to myself and soon it was over. There were loud huzzahs from the room where the images were being read, and soon everyone was telling me how great my arteries looked.
Well, not great, but good enough. Little bits of plaque. No imminent heart attack. YAY!
Dr. Grodan, Mr. Milkey, and I zoomed off. Dr. Grodan and I stopped for a modest sandwich in Beverly Hills. He told me about his parents, both Holocaust survivors, mom just died at age 92. Wow, wow, wow. And now we are in Beverly Hills with our arteries fairly clear. I am HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY. God has been so unbelievably good to me. Beyond good. His blessings are beyond measure.
I got home and took a nap with my Brigit and my Cleo and felt happy. My wife is in Martha’s Vineyard visiting her friends Linda and Justin, so I have the dogs to myself. (The downside is that I also have the kitties, who are cute but disgusting, too. The male kitties urinate in inappropriate spots.)
Then I swam and I felt great. Really, really great.
THURSDAY
Well, now it’s not quite as great. I was headed for LAX to go on a long speaking trip when what should I get but a call from the doctor who runs the GE 64-slice center. He’s been studying my pictures. Turns out I do have some blockage in one artery, but, as he says, it’s not a very important artery, whatever that can mean, and it’s not much of a blockage. He assures me I am not about to have a heart attack, but I do have to take Lipitor.
This is a bit of a downer. But what can I expect? I eat too much food, way too much fatty food, and I have bad heredity. Thank God for Big Pharma, who make these great drugs that keep me alive, fend off old age at least somewhat, and keep me a lot calmer than I would otherwise be. Thank God.
Anyway, I got on the Alaska flight to Seattle and fell asleep. At the Fairmont, the kind night manager gave me a spectacular suite. It was HUGE and I loved it and fell into a happy sleep.
FRIDAY.
About the Author
Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes “Ben Stein’s Diary” for every issue of The American Spectator.
Michael Hofstetter| 12.22.09 @ 10:12AM
Ben,
Thank you for your wonderful column today. I am glad to hear that your arteries are (reasonbly) OK. I too felt it when Safire and Kristol died. Thi s is all the more reason we need to keep you around to lift our spirits in this benighted age of Obama, Reid, and Madame Pelosi.
Tim| 12.22.09 @ 10:24AM
The increasing melancholy of your columns saddens me. There is no reason to fear the inevitable because on that day you will be reborn.
John Mulkey | 12.22.09 @ 10:33AM
I've done the stint thing, and knowing what I now know--after a couple of years of research--I wouldn't do it again. There are great ways to keep arteries clear and cholesterol down without ruining your liver. Don't depend upon the medical profession or big pharma to have your best interests at "heart." Good luck.
Jim Sparks| 12.23.09 @ 11:36PM
Please tell me - How can I keep my arteries clear and cholesterol down without ruining my liver?
Ethelyn Rainosek| 1.1.10 @ 12:46PM
Dear Jim, I am a Shaklee vitamin user. I am 71 years old and I look like I am, maybe 50. Every time I see a Dr they say as soon as they see me, "there is no way you are 71", and I agree. I feel great and I give most of the credit to Shaklee. I have been with them for approximately 17 years and to be honest, they saved my life---from doctors. Doctors were screwing up my life and because I have such faith in God and asked him for help, he led the way for me and, I think, that it was to Shaklee. Please check out shaklee.com, go through their catalog online, however, if you decide to join Shaklee, please join under me under my Shaklee ID, BZ72331. This is a network organization and I have a small business that allows me to share all of the wonderful products that Shaklee has to offer plus the 100% money back guarantee if you are not satified, (who do you know that does this?), however, no one is never not satisfied. Shaklee has many products that address your health problems and knowing that all drugs have to go through the liver, what a problem---if the drugs don't get you, the liver will be done in, what irony! Right now, through the first week in 2010, Shaklee is waving the membership fee of $19.95 if you order products that have at least 50PV. This PV you will see in the catalog behind the member price. PV is given for each product so that small business people like myself can earn points for each product sold and Shaklee reimburses you in cash as long as you meet the PV needed to get a return. I can send you thousands of testimonies like my own of Shaklee users who sing their accolades constantly. It is the one thing that I can talk about all the time because I know the power of having the right nutrition in your body. Another important bit of info is Shaklee's Landmark Study that was done by Stanford Univ three years ago which measured the health of Shaklee users of 20 years versus commercial multi vitamin users versus no vitamin use at all---Shaklee blew all of the others away in all respects. You can see this landmark study at shaklee.com or if you can't find you, I can send you the study myself. Their newest product, Vivix was als0 a three year research program that involved bringing on board the research scientist that was at Harvard, Dr. David Sinclair, who was the developer of Resveratrol noted in red wine that increased health in many areas including the heart. When there was no other company in the country that was willing to aid Sinclair in anti aging study, he found out that Shaklee was doing the studies and asked to come on board, and gladly, Shaklee accommodated him. After the product was perfected and the scientists in the lab of Shaklee found a complementary grape to Resveratrol to complete Vivix which promises to take 25 years off your life and give you 25 years more to live, Shaklee then bought all of the vineyards that produced this grape for the next 10 years---what a wise business move. There are 12 outstanding patents on Vivix plus more pending, however, this is not unusual for Shaklee, there are numerous patents on their products, especially Vitilizer, the new all inclusive blister pack of vitamins that cover every aspect of the body to increase good health in mind, spirit and body. In addition, there are presently studies being done in the medical community to determine how Vivix impacts the heart, diabetes, alzheimer's and other important health issues. As you can see, I LOVE SHAKLEE and I know that you can tell that in this email. I believe in them 100%, trust them the same and have never been disappointed. Please contact me and I will trust you to make a great decision about acquiring good health without drugs. Of course, I would always recommend sharing this info with your Doctor. Sincerely ER
Phil Hoey| 12.22.09 @ 11:25AM
Ben - you went to the Doctor, that was the right thing. Putting you head in the sand and thinking we are all still 17 years old watching Blair whip up on BCC is not reality. Good luck with the treatments.
Duke| 12.22.09 @ 12:39PM
Yup..... went through it too Ben. One of mine was blocked 100% and they didn't care. Got too close to a cardiologist with a dremel saw in his hands and ended up with a bypass.... but I feel much better and I thank God for big Pharma too..... wonder what it's gonna be like when Obamacare goes into effect though..... maybe I should just get back on butter and sausages....
ggoblue | 12.22.09 @ 1:54PM
i love you ben...do yourself a favor and castrate the male cats. and from now on castrate them at 6 month of age. otherwise they are great animals.
WRJonas | 12.22.09 @ 6:11PM
We haven't met ,but when we do Jesus will introduce us and I will tell you how much I admire your spirit and writing and how I can sense your thoughts even though you won't reveal them openly. Many of your readers will join me in wishing you a longer and fulfilled life . God Bless you give you comfort .
Jim O'Brien| 12.22.09 @ 6:31PM
We have the best health care in the world, still, right here in the U.S., despite what the demagogues and the media say, and despite all the efforts of Congress to destroy it.
We don't have a health care crisis, but we do have an expensive health problem, in that people abuse their bodies daily. More than half of all the people receiving medical treatment at any given time are doing so as a result of self abuse: overeating, poor nutrition, lack of exercise, smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, sodomy, etc.
Anyway, glad to hear Ben is doing okay, and my hat is off to the creative achievements of the drug companies, hospitals, and doctors. May capitalism and freedom survive Congressional idiocy, as it panders to those who want the government to save them.
Pingback| 12.22.09 @ 9:29PM
Twitter Trackbacks for The American Spectator : I'm Being Tested [spectator.org] on links to this page. Here’s an excerpt:
laryhanis| 12.23.09 @ 2:11AM
I do not smoke alot. I haven't in about a week and a half. When I do it's usually 2-3 cigarettes. Will this show up in a urine test? How long does it last? I know pot stays for about a week for a light user and a month for a heavy user and alcohol for about a few days so I'm not worried about those, only cigarettes. Thanks!
http://ezinearticles.com/?Acne.....id=2928024
Grant| 12.23.09 @ 9:14AM
Mr. Stein is mostly correct in his four points. However, three additional points need emphasizing.
1. The money boys, who, by the way, are now many of them Democrats, arrivistes without a family name to protect, and who have a history of drug abuse, ignored repeatedly the technical arguments against managing their risk the way they did.
2. The extraordinary risks in the mortgage market were only present because the Jimmy Carter and the Federal government, ACORN and Barack Hussein Obama, and Rep. Frank and his boyfriend, forced lenders to lend to people whom conventional underwriting would exclude. The loan applications did NOT require race-identification.
3. All, as in every single one of them, are ultimately unconstitutional. Private risk is private risk. Do I need to say that again?
Kevin| 1.2.10 @ 9:08AM
It is not as simple as your analysis suggests and, in fact, your analysis is simply wrong. I assume you are talking about the Community Reinvestment Act when you say the Government forced them to lend (Of course, the Government cannot force anyone to lend but that is a different point).
The VAST majority of sub-prime loans were written by non bank entities such as "Countrywide Mortgage". These "brokers" were not subject to any regulation let alone the CRA. Further, no one, not the Government or anyone, forced Goldman, Merril, etc. to buy the mortgages and securitize them. The only way that entities such as Countrywide etc. could continue to make the loans is if they had someone to immediately sell them to. By 2005 the pseudo government agencies, Freddie and Fannie, were reducing their purchases dramatically.
If Wall Street investment banks had not purchased the mortgages (Which no one even remotely was forcing them to do), Countrywide et al. could never have received the funding needed to make the mortgage because they would have no one to sell them to.
I know it is very tempting to just watch Fox then spout what they say but I suggest you read "Too Big to Fail", watch "house of Cards" by Dave Faber and read the inside books from Lehman about this fiasco.
The reality is the lesson we should be learning is the LACK of Government regulation caused this not the acts of Government. The repeal of Glass Steagall (yes, done under Clinton, his darkest hour) and the growth of the unregulated shadow banking system along with the interdependencies of the insurance company, AIG, caused this colossal mess.
Tim| 12.23.09 @ 12:27PM
Luke 21:34-36 (New International Version)
"Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap. For it will come upon all those who live on the face of the whole earth. Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man."
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke 21:34-36&version=NIV
Margie| 12.26.09 @ 3:00PM
Dear Ben Stein,
If you've never heard of him before, let me tell you of a wonderful man named Christian Wilde. If you want the most wonderful information about helping your herat get and stay healthy, go read here:
http://www.abigon.com/page/page/448087.htm
You will thank God for him, as I have.
God bless you, sir.
Margie
Kevin | 1.2.10 @ 9:00AM
I do not understand how you can say the AIG "bailout" and subsequent payment to GS was done by Obama. I agree Obama has made huge mistakes but in my recollection, the AIG bailout and the money for it was funded in September / October of 2008 when Bush was in power. It was actually done by Geitner (Then at the the NY Fed), Paulson, and Bernake as Bush was hiding out waiting for the election to be over.
How do you track back to Obama? Could he have totally unwound it all? Yes, but once it was in motion that was tough, if not impossible, to do.
jeffreyn1| 1.3.10 @ 9:25PM
Ben, you are a good man with a keen mind, a good heart, and an old soul.
I salute you.
Caroline Niesley| 1.16.10 @ 10:29PM
Dear Ben,
Sorry to hear that. Last year my husband was put on Zocor by his Dr. but the side effects were so bad he declined and went on a very strict diet with exercise. Everyone said my husband would fail. For 2 months my husband ate no sugar or fat. He had shredded wheat with soy milk for breakfast, salad with lite dressing at lunch, salad with veggie burger or whole wheat spaghetti for dinner. He reduced meat to once a week or none at all. No Coke, water. He exercised at lunch for 15 minutes and when he came home at night, long power walks. He lost 20 pounds in two months! When re tested the Dr. was amazed. He had the cholesterol count of an athlete! He proved to me that people can improve their health by changing their habits. Now I have to do it. God bless you Ben for all the good work you do. Pray for me, I will pray for you!
Cordially, Caroline Niesley
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www.in-watch.com | 4.3.10 @ 5:27AM
Being a proud owner of a watch is a wondrous thing that many take for granted. No one remembers back when things were simple and they had to call "time and temperature" to get an accurate time . Now certain devices run on their own with no batteries what so ever and some get updates from satellites so that the time is always perfect.Looking back on all of the famous inventors or the wrist watch, it makes you happy to know that the item located on your wrist is truly a miracle and wonder of the world. From the first watch with its round face to the tiny ring watches that sit delicately on your finger, they are truly a piece of history.Dating back to the 1800s up until now, watches have constantly have been moving forward and keeping us in time with the rest of the world. If you are looking to find out more about the history of the watch www.in-watch.com then you will want to look to the founder's of this wondrous invention.
It is amazing to see how the watch has evolved and the parts get smaller with each new watch on the market. There is a watch for every lifestyle and wardrobe so you can be stylish or simple anytime of the day or night.
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