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Buy the Book
Verizon Made Them Do It
Author says privacy muggers and inconsiderate parents should be punished.
I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners
Into Impolite Society
By Amy Alkon
(McGraw-Hill, 224 pages, $16.95)
Rudeness is the human condition, always was, always will be, says Amy Alkon in her new book: I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society. The difference is there are fewer restraints on our “grabby, self-involved jerkhood” than ever before.
Alkon, an advice columnist and a disciple of evolutionary psychology, quotes researchers John Tooby and Leda Cosmides saying: “Our modern skulls house a Stone Age mind.” Sadly, our minds are the only things that have not changed. Simply put, we live in societies that are too big for our primitive brains. A case in point: once upon a time if you behaved rudely in a small community, someone would call your mother, which is how our Stone Age ancestors no doubt reacted as well. After all, anti-social behavior could spell doom for an entire tribe. Tribes or small villages, therefore, had effective ways of dealing with social thugs. Most notably: shame. In bygone eras, shame was as essential to survival as food and water. Rude boys were warned they had better change their anti-social behavior, or face exile into the savannah or the Serengeti, where there were no Comfort Inns or pizza parlors to help them survive.
Alkon, a New Yorker, suggests that genetically we are best fitted to live in small groups of no more than 150 people, which even today is the average population for the few hunter-gather societies still extant. There is a reason such small villages seldom, if ever, require a police presence. But more than 150 people and we begin to grow anxious, impersonal…and rude.
Rudeness, in fact, thrives on anonymity, which explains the incredible discourtesy on the Internet. Today, however, in our large, anonymous communities — strangerhoods, Alkon calls them — shame and ostracization are like Aquaman’s superpowers on dry land: totally useless.
Obviously, rudeness, especially among rebellious teenagers, has been a problem for as long as there have been cities or city-states. “The characteristic behavior of young manhood was compounded of extravagance, pugnacity, thoughtlessness, drunkenness and sexual excess,” writes Sir Kenneth Dover in Greek Popular Morality in the Time of Plato and Aristotle. Likewise, nearly every generation credits its young with bringing about the destruction of civilization. So, is our current state of affairs that dire, or is it just our imagination? Alkon thinks it is. A “hostile self-centeredness” has crept into society since the turn of the millennium, she says. It affects all classes and castes, from the ghetto teens giggling stupidly and noisily throughout a movie to the loudmouth lawyer screaming into his phone at Starbucks. The question is, why now?
ALKON DOESN’T SAY SO, but I suspect today’s hostile self-centeredness is a result of the 1980s-'90s mania for self-expression and self-esteem, and the effect it had on entire generations of young people, those now in their thirties to fifties. “The New Rudeness” or “people wildly indifferent to other people,” came about after a perfect storm of sorts, the convergence of technology (the cell phone and the Internet) and the Look-at-Me Generation, kids who grew up high on self-esteem and self-expression and low on empathy. Today, they are passing these anti-values onto their inconsiderate children. When one sees children acting up in a grocery store, it is because their parents are allowing the little darlings to express themselves, and correcting them may harm their self-esteem. (One wonders what little girls are expressing when they are allowed to dress like hookers?)
As far as Alkon is concerned, over-indulgent parents, cell phone loudmouths, dinner-time telemarketers (I would add leaf blower operators and motorcyclists with the loud pipes) are petty thieves. They are not just inconsiderate and rude, they are privacy muggers and bush league socio-paths, who steal our time and our peace of mind. And, for that, they should be invoiced for time wasted. Worse, they have hordes of enablers who rush to their defense, telling us to “deal,” or “give ‘em a break,” or “if you don’t like it, go to the library!” It’s like the entire nation has Stockholm Syndrome, Alkon says, “where the hostage goes all cuddly on their kidnappers.”
Naturally, the Advice Goddess has a solution, one that is equal parts “pay it forward” and corrective justice: treat strangers like neighbors, but do not be impassive victims of rude behavior. Alkon even suggests following the French example of correcting other people’s bratty children in public. Confrontation, however, is not always an option. One must pick one’s fights, which usually means confronting only old ladies and moms and businessmen. “I…make it my business to just suck it up whenever somebody barking into a cell phone is wearing one of those gangland shower caps or looks like they might be armed,” she writes.
Civilization does not come naturally to us, says Alkon. We have to aspire to it. To help us out, Alkon offers one little piece of advice that will make getting along with strangers a lot easier: It [comes] down to this: Your right to have loud, dull cell phone conversations [or to bring your screaming child on a plane] ends where the rest of our ears begin.” Let’s hope the inconsiderate bastards are listening.
About the Author
Christopher Orlet writes from St. Louis.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (35) | Leave a comment
More Articles by Christopher Orlet
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Roy| 12.3.09 @ 7:00AM
It's certainly true that the 1990's featured the unstinting directive to be "non-judgemental" towards oral sex in the Oval Office. It also featured, until the election of The One, the president the most committed to the idea that one had to be "non-judgemental" toward the arbitrary vivisection of unborn infants.
And, as I see it, if I have to be "non-judgemental" about things like that, there's no obvious reason why I should put up with any criticism, from anybody, about anything.
Pingback| 12.3.09 @ 7:18AM
Jaimee Grubbs « Wilson's Blog links to this page. Here’s an excerpt:
Appleby| 12.3.09 @ 7:27AM
I have to ride the subway to and from work every day, crammed into cattle cars by the Limo Liberals who believe the proles should live jammed together in high-rises and cattle cars so that their Betters can live in McMansions and come to work in BMWs and Infinitis, alone with their cell phones, smartphones and assorted binkies.
The rudeness on the subway is almost all provided by young men, although an increasing number of young Black women are taking up the job of leaning on the doors and stretching their feet across the doorway, then snarling *Dont touch mah [expletive]ing feet!* at those who have the nerve to enter or exit the car. 60% of the Priority Seating (marked for the elderly, the disabled and the pregnant) is inhabited by young, healthy men with wires jammed in their ears or thumbs twiddling away as they watch teevee on their iPhones with that sullen triumphant look as they stare straight down, fully aware that nobody dares mention that elderly, handicapped and pregnant people are standing in front of them while they hog the seats. [The subway rulers passed with great fanfare a $95 fine for doing this; no one, of course, has ever been ticketed, nor ever will]. On days when I really desperately need a seat, I have locked eyes with one of these brats and then seated myself on the floor at his feet, thus shaming him into recognizing that he is being rude. Other times I have had snide little boys tell me to stand up because I am blocking the aisle. I usually tell these brats to enjoy their Priority Seating.
And the shrieking child is axiomatic in every mall and store, restaurant and airplane, as are the blabbering teenagers at the movies and the woman on the bus shouting into her cell phone.
My own opinion is that each of these people assumes that the world revolves around him or her and that no one dares contradict their position.
Sir| 12.3.09 @ 8:34AM
If we want a polite society, then EV-ER-EEEE one of us should carry heat. Even the kids. Trained to use it, of course, but every last one of us. No gun laws. Not even one.
William Woodford| 12.3.09 @ 9:21AM
This is interesting, but it leaves out the political aspect, namely the accession of the New Left in the sixties and the Left's cultural revolution. "Destructive Generation" by Collier and Horowitz make it clear that the core of the New Left were the children of Stalinist Old Left families who retained all of the radicalism they had been raised on except for vernation of the USSR. Part and parcel of this radicalism was contempt for "bourgeois civility," which has now entered the mainstream. Rudeness also advanced the leftist cultural revolution to destroy traditional American society so it could be replaced with a socialist Amerika. While "nearly every generation credits its young with bringing about the destruction of civilization," in the case of the destructive generation of the sixties this was literally correct.
The big question here is whether Mr. Orlet puts his money where his mouth is, namely whether he criticized the New Left during its first campaign, the so-called civil rights movement of the early 1960s. This period can be seen as the dawn of the new era of American incivility.
daddio| 12.3.09 @ 12:03PM
well said!
Chris Orlet| 12.4.09 @ 9:42AM
Having been born in '63, that would have been rather precocious of me. Good points though.
Pingback| 12.3.09 @ 9:33AM
The American Spectator : Verizon Made Them Do It Verizon VZChina links to this page. Here’s an excerpt:
Greg| 12.3.09 @ 9:47AM
An armed society is a civil one. I am always exceptionally polite to people carrying guns. However, simple rudeness rarely requires a killin, rather it does require a smack in the mouth. Whether it is a punk taking up a seat from our elders or a terrorist being apprehended by a Navy SEAL, a shot in the mouth usually is a good attention getter, letting someone know the current situation has changed, and their behavior is no longer acceptable. Unfortunately, that simple, direct method of correcting social behavior has been taken away from us as well.
Sheila| 12.3.09 @ 10:31AM
I have been called rude and given the finger for saying "excuse me" in a firm tone of voice. I have received scandalized looks when I have threatened to discipline my younger son in public. I can't count the number of times I've heard "chill out" or "deal with it" when the chatty cashier gushes about grandchildren with a customer with a full cart in the express checkout line at the grocery store. I have ... could go on forever. I do stand up to this, but I have my own definition of rudeness. I've told stinky Indians they need to bathe and/or wash their clothes more often if they plan to live in American society. I've explained to obnoxious Chinese that in America, we have a definite zone of personal space, and to back off in line. I've backed up managers in shops dealing with an immigrant arguing endlessly about a refund/coupon/deal that they weren't entitled to but continued to demand. People who like to fling the dreaded label "racist" or "bigot" (your own dear commenter Margie comes to mind) have no impact on me in the least. I have rejected every leftist label and these only have power if you grant it to them. I choose not to. I choose not to take the occupation of my country in silence. I choose not to celebrate illegitimacy but rather endorse shaming these irresponsible "parents." I choose not to celebrate diversity and multiculturalism and "let's all get along" know-nothingism. In short, folks, frankly, I no longer GIVE A DAMN!
Glenda| 12.3.09 @ 3:09PM
Sheila- Are you my long lost sister?!? I too am done with tolerating bad behavior. We all need to call out the mom who allows her kid to bounce an ball (that is the store's property) while running amok up and down the aisles, shrieking all the while. My boyfriend worries that someone someday is going to kick my butt- but I will continue to stand up rather than let these miscreants go unchallenged!
Margie| 12.3.09 @ 11:36PM
"stinky Indians"
"obnoxious Chinese"
What "Sheila" calls "Race Realism."
Margie| 12.3.09 @ 7:31PM
Dearest Sheila,
Your own comments reveal your attitude. You yourself said you are a "race realist." Your words, not mine, sweetie.
Race Realists is what David Duke and his gang call themselves.
So don't badmouth me. Get some help.
Margie| 12.3.09 @ 7:33PM
P.s. Sheila dearest~ I've never called anyone a racist or a bigot, but have often been called that myself. So, you're nothing but a lousy liar.
martha| 12.3.09 @ 10:19PM
Sheila, I do the same thing. I do'nt do Political Correctness, I do'nt care if someone calls me racist or whatever.
I told my Liberal Schoolteacher sister, I'm a Reublican and a Tea Party goer and she just needs to deal with it.
I've been walking around wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and I'm Jewish. I do not, will not and absolutely refuse to say "Happy Holidays" I have a few Muslim friends and soon I'll be wishing them Merry Christmas too!
Adam Smith| 12.4.09 @ 5:10AM
Amen sister.
To all of it.
Ray| 12.3.09 @ 11:00AM
Do not, like the authors of this book, confuse population counts with potential societal manners. There have been many large populations that, by far, were polite societies, just as there have been small groups that, by far, were populated by VERY rude, and even dangerous people.
It's not the number of people that is the root cause of this type of behavior, it's the willingness of others to overlook the unacceptable behaviors of the less-respectful members of society. Dividing up the population into small groups will not change this for it will fail to address the root cause of the problem: a lack of respect.
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Anonymous| 12.5.09 @ 12:48PM
Left/liberals feel we shouldn't be "judgmental" about those poor, oppressed jihadists who rammed two airplanes into the World Trade Center and shot people at Fort Hood either. However, said liberals can scream, yell and be a selfish as they want... it all makes them feel good.
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