- Home
- About Us
- Contributors
- Departments
- Topics
- Back Issues
- Weekly Archives
- AmSpecBlog
- Subscribe
- Newsletter
- Advertise
- Donate
- Contact Us
- Daily Digest
- Templeton Essays
Ben Stein's Diary
For Crying Out Loud
THURSDAY
HERE I AM UP in the air high above California. I am in a tiny little Embraer regional aircraft flown by American Eagle. In the row ahead of me is a woman with a small child who is crying as if the devil was coming after her. But I mean really, really, SCREAMING. Like a madwoman. Or a mad child. Just going crazy. The mother, a psycho with tattoos and a T-shirt that says, in Magic Marker, “GO AHEAD AND STARE!” has no clue about how to quiet a crying baby. She is not offering her food, milk, soothing, nothing. She told me she and her daughter had been flying all day from Ft. Lauderdale and had missed a flight and the daughter was exhausted. Also, the daughter is sneezing and coughing. I am just a few inches away from this tyke.
Naturally, about 10 minutes before landing in Fresno, the kid fell into a deep sleep. The mother apologized to me. “I hope it didn’t bother you too much,” said the witch. What? How on earth could it not have bothered me to have a wildly screaming baby in front of me?
However, in my new calm incarnation, I just thought, there is a lesson here. The kid was obviously exhausted. None of us should allow ourselves to get too exhausted, or otherwise our inner baby starts to shriek in fear or anger or depression.
Off in a nice little Town Car to my Hilton Homewood Suites Hotel in Fresno. Not my usual. No room service. But they did bring me a toaster, a loaf of bread, butter, and orange juice, so I am happy. I got a driver to take me over to the International House of Pancakes. I had dinner with my old pal, the beautiful Tami, and her sweet little daughter, Savannah Suzieray. Good pancakes. Good orange juice.
Then we met Tami’s parents, lovely fine people. Then I watched Tropic Thunder in my hotel room, and then to bed. Come to think, I like this Hilton. It is quiet and the bed is comfy and I like my toaster a lot.
FRIDAY
OFF FOR LUNCH AT Marie Callender’s at a shopping center in Fresno. My companions were Tami and Savannah Suzieray. I had never been to Marie Callender’s. I had turkey and stuffing. It was amazingly good and very cheap. This will be a new destination for my eating pleasure.
Then a very short nap and off to speak at Fresno State. I had a short meeting with some sweet, smart young students, all of whom seem to want to do good works and work for government or the nonprofit sector. (I guess the whole economy is a nonprofit sector now.) Then a reception with a group of faculty, administrators, and donors. I talked to each of them. Many of them talked about what a terrible water shortage the growers of California face. It is terrifying. I think they should be having major desalination of ocean water, but apparently that’s very expensive. But, still, I guess it will eventually have to happen.
California without water is just a temperate wasteland. Desalination or desalinization seems an inevitable part of life for California. Anyway, the people at Fresno were just delightful. Fresno is basically a small farming city and has friendly, small-town qualities. I liked it a lot, but then I rarely go to any part of America I dislike.
My speech went very well, and the kids were delightful. There were many questions, ranging from serious issues about bank capitalization to whether pot should be legalized to help the California budget deficit. (My view: no. It is way too powerful to be legalized. But then, come to think of it, so is gin.)
Then, off in the Lincoln Town Car, driven by my trusted driver, Milky Imtaz of Bangladesh. That car is my real home. We headed back to L.A. Three and a half hours through the night. I slept the whole way. I love sleeping in a moving car more than sleeping in bed.
Then home, a kiss on my sleeping wife’s lips, a long swim, and then a sleep in my bed with my beloved dogs, Brigid and Cleo.
This is my life. I love it. I do not want to catch that kid’s cold though. Or TB, or whatever it is. I actually just want to sleep.
FRIDAY
Comments
Leave a Comment
- Barney and Friends
- Obama's Vision Through History
- Two Weddings and a Demerol
q4325| 5.14.09 @ 10:30AM
Louis Vuitton began manufacturing trunks in Paris in 1854, and the company he started went on to become one of the world's most famous makers of luxury
Ned| 5.14.09 @ 11:26AM
Come on over to my house in Cleveland, Utah Ben. You can eat waffles with my little granddaughter every morning. She loves them covered with butter and syrup.
L. Ross| 5.14.09 @ 11:31AM
Mr. Stein:
As a professional aviator, I strongly recommend you invest in earplugs and use them whenever you fly. You wouldn't be able to block the screaming kid out completely, but it would certainly have helped.
By the way, I am a big fan of the Waffle House chain. You meet the most interesting people there.
Steve Purtell| 5.14.09 @ 1:05PM
Ben:
I have always had an interest in Roger Milliken and glad to hear he is still with us. As you probably know, he was a backer of both National Review and the John Birch Society even though Buckley and Welch were enemies. Did Roger see value in both or was he trying to cover his bets when it was uncertain which would be the face of conservatism?
Tim| 5.14.09 @ 2:41PM
This is why we never have you over; you'd go on and on about the food, how our son behaved and what you thought of the pancakes....
Paul | 5.14.09 @ 4:15PM
Waffle House is one of the best places to take your kids, wifes don't seem to like it though.
Pat| 5.14.09 @ 4:48PM
What's with this "California has no water" stuff? Folks in other states must get some bizarre personal satisfaction reading about California's water problems. There just isn't enough water - why? No one asks the "why" question - the answer is poor planning by the state and local governments, rain and snow really does fall within the state's boundaries - ask a scientist - they've actually seen it happen.
You could be happily living in the Bay area or even L. A. and some envious soul living in Detroit will feel superior by pointing out you Californians will have to ration water. Sure, Detroit has lousy weather, racial hatred, astronomical unemployment, 70% of high school students who won't graduate and a crime rate the Mafia would envy - but they have water.
As an exercise in comical stupidity many Detroit residents actually think they will withhold Michigan's Great Lakes water from California in the near future - let those California freaks go thirsty - they're not getting a drop of our water. Or make California spend untold billions to purchase easements through hundreds of communities and create a 2,000 mile pipeline straight to Lake Michigan to suck out all the water - and, even better, pay a healthy premium to Michigan for the privilege. Right, that's a brilliant idea, why didn't we think of it?
There are many boring days here in paradise but, on the whole, I'd rather not be in Philadelphia - or Detroit either.
Aaron| 5.14.09 @ 6:36PM
The toaster Ben, what kind was it? The bane of the best part of my favorite meal. They don't toast evenly and the setting varies every time. My wife rants that I've tried them all, clearly I haven't!
Old Texican| 5.14.09 @ 7:52PM
Ben
I am spoiled. I always watch for your columns, but this one was awfully boring.
We are getting old, I guess.
Rexxous| 5.14.09 @ 10:26PM
By the way, "The Third Man" character was spelt Holly Martens which makes it of Dutch derivation and even a bit LESS sensible.
cinema for really dumb asses| 5.15.09 @ 1:45AM
Rexxous| 5.14.09 @ 10:26PM
By the way, "The Third Man" character was spelt Holly Martens which makes it of Dutch derivation and even a bit LESS sensible.
Not really dumbass, try to keep up.
Dad of Heros| 5.15.09 @ 1:48AM
This guy is a total dick who isnt willing to cut a single mother a break. And he talks more, and I stop reading. Fucker.
Saint America| 5.15.09 @ 1:51AM
I love sleeping in a moving car more than sleeping in bed.
I submit that this is a demon. Think about it.
Lord Christ| 5.15.09 @ 1:53AM
Catch it and smite it
Hey Poor! You dont have to be| 5.15.09 @ 1:58AM
Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu.
Cross out writer (except in the loosest sense), actor, economist, lawyer and you are left with lies, damned lies and a guy who lies. --Mark Twain
Bille Baty| 5.15.09 @ 12:50PM
Ben,
Great writing for an old shoe salesman. Next time you're in Houston, I'm buying the waffles.
Michael Murphy| 5.15.09 @ 4:46PM
There is no better place to eat than Waffle House. I highly recommend the pecan waffle with sausage and two eggs, toast and coffee and juice. Less than 10 bucks!! I only frequent WH in the south and would be a little skeptical of California product.
b sullivan| 5.15.09 @ 10:22PM
Dear Mr. Stein--There is a European silent movie in which a clown murders his rival in love, a man who has lost his arms, then cuts off his own arms to attract the love of the circus girl. Unspeakably horrific, like many of the early movies. Cannot recall the title. I think your Spanish film is a remake.
Joel Raupe| 5.18.09 @ 5:45PM
It does sound as if the Spanish Movie might have been an attempted remake of "The Unknown," starring the still-unrivaled Lon Cheney as "Alonzo the Armless" (dangerously attracted to an unbelievably young Joan Crawford back in 1920).
That is unquestionably the movie b sullivan believed was a "European silent," though it was 100 percent Hollywood. Easily the darkest film made by Cheney.
Since AmSpec was printed tabloid-sized, more than twenty years ago, I have first opened to read Ben Stein's Diary. He would undoubtedly be uncomfortable to think of these writings as anyone's "periscope into reality," but that has been true for me.
Interesting, Ben, that you should still be constantly worried about money, just as you were when struggling for acting gigs, "back in the day." My wife is certain I don't worry enough about money, and she may be right. The really interesting part is the Solomonic angle. Twenty years later, we seem to have arrived at more or less the same situation.
Who would have thought back then Ben Stein's economy of language would become an Institution? You've made friends will hundreds of thousands, Ben, not as a celebrity but because of this column, where you have opened up about your feelings situationally, without descending into a Journey into Self-Obsession. Because of this, when you are wizened and feeble, you will never be homeless.
H J Gaudreau| 5.23.09 @ 12:09PM
Hello Ben Stein. I am a retired U.S. Air Force guy as old as dirt, You, Ben Stein, just happen to be the most admired person I've ever encountered! As I tried to awaken from zombie to person with my first cup of coffee this morning, I tuned on the TV and there you were, on Fox. I only caught the end of your remark about Mr. B. Hussein Obama, and I wanted to memorize it, but at 81 years I have had more than enough 'senior' moments, like remembering things. This morning was one of them so I simply forgot your marvelous, eloquent, superb and accurate assessment of our 'empty suit' (AGH!) leader. Geez! Leader? That is a stretch! Anyway, I wish to hell I can someday recall that excellent declarative..... it was on target and worth recalling.
Thank you Ben Stein for being Ben Stein. I am a much flawed, USAF Retired old coot, who loves you (but not in a San Fagcisco manner).
Sincerely, HJ (Wilmington, NC)
Smitty| 6.4.09 @ 2:44AM
Ben, you have my dream job - traveling, meeting new people, eating, and writing about it. When you are ready to slow down I'd love to be in the running. Oh, about Waffle House - the food is great, the juke box selections are a blast from the past, but I just can't abide all the cigarette smoke.
RE Connally| 6.9.09 @ 2:09AM
Mr. Stein,
I suspect the baby with the cold had a bad earache caused by a combination of the low air pressure of the cabin and being all stuffed up- they can't pop their ears in that situation. That is why the crying stopped toward the end of the flight, the plane had started to descend and the cabin pressure increased back to normal. It is not the kid's fault and there is nothing the mom could have done about it.
Sincerely, R. E. Connally (Tacoma, WA)
soccermom72| 6.12.09 @ 10:39PM
Hey Ben!! Don't know what they paid you for this
drivel--But it was WAY too much!! Glad you're
having it so easy..oh and continue to rant and rave against humane reforms like national healthcare..continue standing up for the insurance thieves..you DEFinitely understand them and their priorities. Hey Life's a Picnic!!
Lingerie| 9.17.09 @ 9:33PM
sexy lingerie wholesale lingerie