There has been a lot of chatter about President Obama's "apology
tour" in Europe and then in Latin America, the latter being
particularly distasteful given the assortment of neo-Marxists and
dictators whom he had to endure.
I guess confession is good for the soul. I am still holding out
for an apology from the Queen of England for the Irish Potato
Famine. I think it would do Her Majesty good.
Yes, there are many things for which all Americans should show
remorse. Here are a few of my priorities for some all-American
groveling before the rest of the world.
Americans really need to show some abject sorrow and regret for
hoola-hoops, Pet Rocks and Veg-a-matic commercials.
Every citizen of every city in the American League should rend
their garments for the designated hitter rule. This will, of
course, entail explaining the game of baseball to an
international audience, which could present some problems, but
the purging of our national soul on this most grievous of sins
will be well worth the effort.
Every American -- every single one of us -- needs to prostrate
him or herself in atonement for soap operas and televised
bowling.
Red-blooded fishermen and women need to show some real remorse
for televised bass fishing tournaments on Saturday morning TV. On
second thought, maybe we all should just apologize for American
television, period.
We all need to utter a heartfelt Mea Culpa for Oprah,
Dr. Phil, and all purveyors of personal advice even if we never
studied Latin in high school or were altar boys before Vatican
II.
Hollywood should hang its head in shame, shame I say, every time
they produce another sequel to one of their boorish,
unimaginative, technology-dependent, shoot-'em-up, blow-'em-up,
over-sexualized blockbusters. OK, OK. I will make an exception
for the Jason Bourne movies.
The entire American political establishment should exclaim a
great big "I AM SORRY" for the Internal Revenue Code, trial
lawyers (until you need one), and the Transportation Security
Administration (TSA) for frisking grandma at the airport.
By now you are probably getting the hang of this. There is so
much out there for which we, the descendants of Pilgrims, huddled
masses, pioneers and assorted immigrants and exiles from foreign
shores should seek forgiveness. The President may have to
schedule a worldwide tour to completely purge the American soul.
Maybe he will get off with just an Our Father, Hail Mary, and a
Glory Be.
TAS readers are encouraged to send in their suggestions
for the American Penitential Registry today! Let's keep this
going and support our President.
