By Meredith Henne on 2.24.09 @ 6:05AM
Stimulating those creative juices, one earmark at a time.
With fears rising that the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act
of 2009 may be too pork-filled to actually help the economy, it
should be pointed out that the extraneous spending items may not
be as bad as they seem. A big, loaded bill could do much to
stimulate an unrecognized segment of the economy -- those
suffering from writer's block. Would-be novelists, here's how it
works: lay hands on a few versions of a recent bill, list all the
earmarks and strange inclusions, and then weave together a tale
using those components. You may find a mother lode of inspiration
in legislation, as a few recent examples prove.
Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, 2008
Create a tale involving the following elements: mine
rescues, black lung, wooden arrows, rum, bicycle storage, and a
character needing mental health care. Your setting: a Midwestern
disaster zone or a "qualified restaurant property."
Food, Conservation, and Energy Act of 2008
Include in a story line the failure of an asparagus crop,
methamphetamine production in anhydrous ammonia fertilizer nurse
tanks, mushroom promotion, childcare expenses, a weather radio,
tropical pests, a "socially disadvantaged" farmer, and the
reburial of human remains. Involve an operator on the "Farm and
Ranch Stress Assistance Network" hotline and a chairperson
sitting on the Honey Board for added drama. Possible settings:
Alaska, a recently preserved historic barn, Micronesia, or the
Norman A. Berg National Plant Materials Center in Beltsville,
Maryland.
Consolidated Appropriations Act, 2008
The following should appear in this story: dental disease or a
vaccine injury, a dam fish screen, Amtrak train security, and a
memorial to Dwight D. Eisenhower. You have a range of interesting
locales from which to choose, including a university for the
deaf, the Elkhorn Ranch in Medora, North Dakota, or a Cucamonga
Valley water recycling facility.
Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act of 2008
In a tale geared for children, incorporate a piece of metal
jewelry, a toy with a "spherical end", a pool or spa, and an
all-terrain vehicle. One character should regularly wear an
equestrian helmet and at some point carry a portable gasoline
container. Include a hotel, motel, or daycare center and a garage
door opener. Industry-sponsored travel is banned from this story.
American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009
The story should circle around a dance troupe "threatened by
declines in philanthropic and other support," and feature a
digital television converter box, a lead hazard, a loan, a
leaking underground storage tank, the Mississippi River (or one
of its tributaries), the Inspector General of the National
Science Foundation, and a few "compliant" fiber products (used by
Homeland Security) including cotton, woven silk or silk blends,
synthetic or coated synthetic fabrics, canvas, or wool. For more
excitement, add some space exploration.
Consider these bills a gift and start writing, authors -- in this
economic environment, you can't afford to be inactive.
