Help Wanted
Position: Car Czar
Duties:
Restructure "Big Three" U.S. automakers
Save unionized jobs, American manufacturing, future U.S.
competitiveness
Repeat the phrase "too big to fail" over and over while appealing
to Congress for billions of dollars in taxpayer money
Qualifications:
Detailed knowledge of congressional preferences
essential
Must be willing to work without supervision
Detailed knowledge of auto industry not required
Despite some resistance in the Senate, the federal government seems destined to pass a $15 billion bailout of Detroit-based auto companies. As part of the proposed legislation, President Bush would get to appoint a "car czar" to oversee the domestic auto industry comprised of the "Big Three" automakers: Chrysler, GM, and Ford.
The front-runner for the position is said to be attorney Kenneth Feinberg, who has received heavy criticism for the way he ran the compensation fund for families of the victims of September 11. Obviously his background in law and victim compensation more than qualifies him to fix the "Big Three" automakers.
Americans have had czars before. We had an inflation czar and an energy czar in the 1970s. We have had drug czars since the 1980s. These czars were appointed by U.S. presidents to lead us in battle against some of our nation's worst enemies: rising prices, shortages, and uncontrollable dependencies. But like some of the czars in Russia, our czars have not been too successful.
Now, some of Russia's czars weren't all bad. Czar Alexander II -- remember him? -- did some things right. He ended serfdom. But that was more than a century ago. Yet, his model of governance -- rule by decree -- seems to be what Congress and the Bush Administration are envisioning for the next U.S. czar.
And there could be more czars to come. Rumor has it the Obama administration will appoint czars for climate change, energy policy, and technology.
House speaker Nancy Pelosi is optimistic that picking a car czar will rescue the auto industry. She said, "Come March 31, it is our hope that there will be a viable automotive industry in our country with transparency and accountability to the taxpayer."
Three months to fix an industry that's been in trouble for decades? That seems implausible to me. More likely on March 31st our policy makers will understand that a czar can no more rescue the U.S. auto industry than he could reform Russia. A million people losing their jobs under czarist auto industry policies should be a more than adequate critique of the czar-strategy.
Or maybe they won't understand. Like Russian monarchists clinging to their memories, American lawmakers want to wish away insolvency by conjuring up billions of dollars out of nowhere and handing taxpayers the bill. Taxpayers will have to pay the bills of the banking industry. And AIG. And the state of California. Why not cars?
I wish the car companies well. In the meantime, I'm updating my resume for the next available czarship. My lack of qualifications and inexperience in education policy has prepared me to be the education policy czar. I'll bring a "fresh" perspective and I'll have those schools turned around in no time.
Michael L. Hauschild| 12.12.08 @ 8:50AM
Let's take a page from the Union Handbook, but do the opposite. Cast all those bailout votes by our legislators on a secret ballot. I mean really, if they won't do what we want why do we need to know how they voted.
Matt Marsh| 12.12.08 @ 1:40PM
It seems we need a Czar czar to regulate all of these czars. Kind of like a Grand Master Wizard of the New and Improved Regulatory Systems of the Next Millenium. After all, everyone knows that Capitalism has failed profusely and that the best way to solve mankind's problems is with the infusion of more and more governmental inteference, right?! I mean, just look at Europe and how well they have done under Socialist leadership. ::::tongue stuck squarely in the side of me cheek::::
Sam Speight| 12.12.08 @ 9:09PM
Come on, folks! You're smarter than that. Does anybody really and truly thing that a gigantic infusion of money (which we don't have, but will print) is going to do anything but postpone the inevitable?? Until the companies put someone really capable in their key positions and completely restructure we are spitting in the wind. AND.....the biggest component of the problem is the unions. They hold most of the key to getting well. Do not bet the farm on their
willingness to concede even five cents.
Mike| 12.13.08 @ 5:32AM
If capitalism is to be abandoned anyway, nationalize Toyota, Honda, and Nissan, then the big 3 will easily out-compete them.
Al. Garvey| 12.13.08 @ 11:37AM
Why any good conservator buy a socialist car? With 60% of the consumers against a bail-out and the UAW backing Obama the socialist reformer' leaves the Big-Three only 40% of the auto-market share to compete against the Transplant Detroit is doomed.
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