-
The Prince of Madrid
May 14, 2013 | 4 comments
-
French Fears, French Fantasies
April 30, 2013 | 262 comments
-
The Prince of Monte Carlo
April 23, 2013 | 362 comments
-
Winning and Staying Honest in America’s Game
April 1, 2013 | 1 comment
-
The Kenya Syndrome
March 21, 2013 | 13 comments
At Large
Are Conservatives Stupid?
Speaking from personal experience.
Last spring, when my partner and I were thinking big, a pal in the construction business told us, “You guys ought to think about what you know how to do.”
My partner and I planned to become international traders and merchants. We were not going to invent derivatives and off-shores, not because either of us had an inkling of the fragility of these financial instruments (or even a vague sense of what they were), but because we thought ourselves old-fashioned practical men, who counted wealth in heads of cattle, houses, sons. We planned to fetch precious items in the East and bring them to the West. Then we would bring desirable goods from the West to the East. You get the idea. The West, as far as we could tell, was where we were. The East was a little vague — somewhere between Bamako and Juba, give or take a few thousand kilometers of savannah. Big opportunities in Juba, if you can get there.
“What’s the purchasing power of an average household in Juba?” our pal in the construction business asked us.
“It’s true it’s low, according to the U.N. development index,” I said. “But then, first of all, the U.N. is a corrupt organization. And second of all, if you build it they will come, you know, a.k.a. if you bring it they will buy it.”
Just so. Conservatives have their delusions, too. Herein I was blocking out one reality on the basis of a selective right-wing bias against an admittedly dubious international institution, while inventing another reality on the basis of an idea that had solidified into fact.
Statistics may lie, but even if their source is tainted, you have to have some basis in fact for accepting or rejecting them. Old-fashioned practical men that we were, we had fallen for a certain kind of fairy tale regarding free markets. Of course they are better, in theory and in practice. But there is an even more basic rule, which is that people, including old-fashioned merchant men, will consider the situation and act accordingly. No businessman is going to refuse a fixed market, for example, if that is what he finds.
WHILE MULLING OVER the difficulty of getting reliable transportation between Ouagadougou and Bangui — big opportunities in Bangui — we reconsidered the situation. We figured maybe our pal had a point and we ought to concentrate first on tennis, build up our cash reserves, and analyze the market, as some younger members of our families were saying. My partner is an internationally ranked pro who competed on the circuit until just a few years ago (at least in our perspective), and we figured there was no reason not to capitalize on Washington’s mild climate, conducive to outdoor sports through most of the year.
“We want to offer a deal to families,” we told the city regulatory authorities when we began to devise our Business Plan. “If one member joins one of our classes, we offer an increasingly steep discount for each succeeding member who joins. Serve the community. You have to let us rent the courts cheap while we get this underway.”
The guys downtown gave us a booklet detailing rules and regulations for contracting with the rec dep, as they called it, and they also mentioned a few items having to do with getting ourselves set up as a legal entity. I went to talk to a lawyer whom I knew, and he explained the difference between an LLC and a partnership and then he got a free tennis lesson. We prescribed a course concentrating on foot work and the cross-court shot due to his apparent backhand potential, but he did not take us up on it.
I myself was learning a lot of tennis, playing four hours a day and watching my partner instruct young ladies, some of whom had remarkable legs. I studied his instructional techniques. I followed his gaze to understand what you had to look for in your pupil. It was different from trying to teach illiterate teenagers to read John Winthrop, but there were some common denominators. However, the best was when we played a set or two at the end of the day and then repaired to one of our back yards for some thiebou or yassa that the women prepared and talked about transportation difficulties between Niamey and N’djamena. We figured a lot of people in those booming metropolises were in the market for baseball caps, among other things. We planned to find cap manufacturers not in China, saving money by lowering our shipment costs and enhancing our consciences, notwithstanding our hard-headed realism.
Although I was playing better than when I was on my high school varsity, though admittedly vanity disfigures memory as ideology does faith in free markets, I also had a few other items to take care of and as summer peaked I decided to go to France where I knew I would have time to draft our Definitive Business Plan, including all the submissions to the D.C. regulatory authorities. I also needed to make a tour of some of the places where we expected to trade and it was better to go now than when the fighting resumed, as my sources told me it would, on the Chad-Sudan border. War never interfered with J.P. Morgan’s profits, I reflected, unaware that I was twisting still another old prejudice to meet my needs. There are nice public tennis courts in Paris, but like most things in France they are not free and you are lucky if you get a French guy to play more than half an hour without winding him. However, I found a Moroccan kid — Jewish, if you want to know — who had a return of service clearly modeled on Rafi Nadal’s. That’s the trouble with kids, they follow fashions. Hell of a good kid, though, dynamite on the court. Spoke perfect English, too.
Meanwhile, I was occupying myself with the idea that the world is a pretty good place, all things considered. To be sure, it did not look good, from afar, for the Grand Old Party. I put it down to the brazen prejudices of the European press corps, which despises George W. Bush even more irrationally than our media. Mr. Tyrrell was, I firmly believed, circulating my Key Speeches & Talking Points amongst the McCain campaign organization, and I told everybody it was going to be a landslide. Actually, I did not tell a lot of people, because I was concentrating on drafting our Business Plan and researching overland transportation in low-consumption markets.
THERE WERE A LOT of ill omens, according to certain individuals I knew who were In the Market, but someone had left a useful little book of statistics published by the Economist near a set of Ross Thomas novels and I learned that life expectancy in Bangladesh is over 60. That struck me as an awfully upbeat statistic and therefore reliable. Everyone had told me people in Bangladesh did not have a chance. With a life expectancy of almost Western dimensions, who’s to complain? This reinforced my sense that the basic questions of political economy in our time were settled, free men and free markets, and there was no way there would be an interruption of the Conservative Era in American politics and the spread of Democracy in international affairs. Meanwhile, I knew Governor Keating or somebody on the Campaign would call and tell me how much the Senator liked my speech (I would modestly mention that Mr. Tyrrell had made valuable suggestions) on Free Men and Free Markets.
I figured the campaign was over after the Palin nomination and I could extend my stay abroad, since we were assured of another stretch of free trade and economic growth, notably in the emerging markets. Real estate in Juba was a safe bet, particularly if we could get some plumbing fixtures over there — big market —, and the demand for baseball caps in Sudan was palpable, notwithstanding some unpleasantness in Nyala involving young men with Kalashnikovs. Boys will be boys, and who says baseball caps can’t be worn while wielding a AK-47?
With the campaign all but over, I knew my contribution would be folded into the victory speech or even the Inaugural Address and I wired, I mean e-mailed, Mr. Tyrrell to suggest we meet at a place called La Tour d’Argent, which we both enjoyed. He was occupied, however, and responded that I should join him for a cup of Wasmund’s in a few weeks and it did not even occur to me he did not mention the Senator.
About the Author
Roger Kaplan, a Washington-based writer, covers the Middle East and Africa (and tennis) for The American Spectator.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (25) | Leave a comment
More Articles by Roger Kaplan
More Articles From At Large
http://spectator.org/archives/2008/12/03/are-conservatives-stupid
Follow us:
ADVERTISEMENT
SPONSORED LINKS
FLASHBACK TO: 1995
-
Pope Culture
A man of faith in a godless age is hitting Americans where it hurts.
-
Why the GOP Does Not, Like, Totally Suck
Mr. and Mrs. American Spectator Reader, let P.J. O’Rourke talk sense to your kids.
-
Dames at Sea
-
In the Absence of Guns
In Britain, defending your property can get you life.
-
The Metaphysical Martini
-
Counting the Costs of Clintonism
The debacle of this president’s administration is both a cause and a symptom of the decline of American values. Unless Congress impeaches him, that decline will go on unchecked. An eminent jurist surveys the damage and assesses the chances for the recovery of our culture.
-
Chuck McHagel
It won’t take long for conservatives to scratch this presidential wannabe off their 2008 scorecard.
-
The Legacy of Old John and Mother Fresh-Roasted
-
It’s the Best Time of the Year
The American Christmas, like the songs that celebrate it, makes room for everybody under the rainbow. Is that why so many people seem to be hostile to it?
-
The Bush Crack-Up
Was the President done in by the economy, or by the politics of the economy?
Clip of the Day
ADVERTISEMENT
dftg| 12.3.08 @ 6:41AM
i dont get it. humor?
BT| 12.3.08 @ 8:00AM
And this has what to do with being conservative or liberal?
Michael L. Hauschild| 12.3.08 @ 8:13AM
What the hell was that? Absolutely the defining example of why one should read the comments first.
Jeremiah| 12.3.08 @ 8:13AM
The concept of a "free market" looks good on paper but never seems to work in practice.
Liberals have been taught a tough lesson about the wealth and opportunity making of markets. Conservatives need to learn that clinging to the notion that markets solve every problem is not good sense, it's idolatry.
C. Ege| 12.3.08 @ 8:37AM
Really!!!!
kalani| 12.3.08 @ 9:45AM
Stupid and nonsensical. Is this guy trying to come out of the closet via this idiotic waste of words?
The Weaveress of Raveloe | 12.3.08 @ 9:52AM
My favorite parts:
My partner and I planned to become international traders and merchants. We were not going to invent derivatives and off-shores, not because either of us had an inkling of the fragility of these financial instruments (or even a vague sense of what they were), but because we thought ourselves old-fashioned practical men, who counted wealth in heads of cattle, houses, sons. We planned to fetch precious items in the East and bring them to the West. Then we would bring desirable goods from the West to the East. You get the idea. The West, as far as we could tell, was where we were.
[..]
I went to talk to a lawyer whom I knew, and he explained the difference between an LLC and a partnership and then he got a free tennis lesson. We prescribed a course concentrating on foot work and the cross-court shot due to his apparent backhand potential, but he did not take us up on it.
[..]
I followed his gaze to understand what you had to look for in your pupil. It was different from trying to teach illiterate teenagers to read John Winthrop, but there were some common denominators.
[..]
Although I was playing better than when I was on my high school varsity, though admittedly vanity disfigures memory as ideology does faith in free markets, I also had a few other items to take care of and as summer peaked I decided to go to France where I knew I would have time to draft our Definitive Business Plan, including all the submissions to the D.C. regulatory authorities.
[..]
I figured the campaign was over after the Palin nomination and I could extend my stay abroad, since we were assured of another stretch of free trade and economic growth, notably in the emerging markets. Real estate in Juba was a safe bet, particularly if we could get some plumbing fixtures over there -- big market --, and the demand for baseball caps in Sudan was palpable, notwithstanding some unpleasantness in Nyala involving young men with Kalashnikovs. Boys will be boys, and who says baseball caps can't be worn while wielding a AK-47?
Dear Mr. Kaplan,
I have often thought how much better the world would be if we learned to talk to each other in the parabolic style.
Sincerely,
The Weaveress of Raveloe
Daphne Kenward| 12.3.08 @ 10:30AM
What difference does it make who run's a bankrupt nation, librals or Republicans, the country is still Bankrupt. It's the same as the Catholics and the Islamics, both from the same school of thought. All high ranking Muslims are Freemasons, and all high ranking Catholics are Freemasons. When they swear their oath to the Freemason Organisation they don't use the Bible they use the Koran. The outsiders don't know that, Albert Pike, Morals and Dogmas. Top Ranking Freemason.
What is the difference between the Goims, and a 33 Degree Mason, the Goims think they are fighting for freedom and there is a difference between political parties. All 33 Degree Masons knows their main goal is to use the Goims to acheive their ultimate one world order which they will be in control, and the masses are nothing more than CANNON FODDER.
Havoc| 12.3.08 @ 10:46AM
Yeah, well - at least it's well-written. I think.
Thomas| 12.3.08 @ 10:59AM
Mr. Kaplan,
Hyperbole is a fine way to make a point, but it is always a good idea to restate the point of your story so that your meaning is clear. I,in an effort to expand my feeble intellect, re-read your piece twice [no I am not inherently masochistic] and still I was not able to clearly decipher your message. Clear communication is essential in the world of ideas. Cute parables lead to multiple interpretations and upon such are religious schisms and wars produced.
If I were you, I would find it distinctly disturbing that only Jeremiah, Daphne and the Weaveress seem to understand you piece.
Just trying to be helpful.
Astro| 12.3.08 @ 12:30PM
Hmmm. Sort of 'F. Scott Fizzled'.
Ya' know, it's not too late to learn a few guitar chords and become a rock star.
Spartuchis| 12.3.08 @ 12:36PM
Um...me no get. Me no get!
Tim| 12.3.08 @ 2:38PM
Kenward:
Your point is a good one.
Does anyone know if Obama is a High Ranking Free Mason?
If so, that would explain some of his establishment vote .
If he is not, is he then just part of the CANNON FODDER?
Obama Rules| 12.3.08 @ 2:51PM
Yes, Roger, they are. Thanks for asking.
Daphne Kenward| 12.3.08 @ 2:54PM
Conservatives are just a group of people in the American Republican party, that don't think for one minute, they could end up joining the ranks of the poor underclass.
The people who are more rational, recogonise that if Banks can go bust, people can also end up broke. They also think that anybody who is a Republican, that is a Govenor of a small state can be leader, without working out that, they just had the Govenor of Texas who started an illegal war, bankrupt America, crippled the Global Economy, and learnt nothing from it, that is what I call defiance. And Texas was a big State, and also an oil rich state.
But then it depends on what the people who control these brand of poppets, are looking for at the time, and what it is they wish to acheive.
ruth| 12.3.08 @ 5:41PM
Puppets, not poppets, Daphne. You're also wrong about Conservatives, get beyond your stereotypes! Not all conservatives are rich, far from it. We just believe in self-sufficiency and the freedom of the individual before God. At least I do.
L. Ross| 12.3.08 @ 6:30PM
Daphne, good to see you're still surfing a site that will expand your consciousness. Tragically, non of the knowledge here at The American Spectator seems to be penetrating your tinfoil hat.
For all you people who don't get this humor piece, try this on. (I know, if you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny).
Roger Kaplan was engaging in a bit of self-mockery. He actually liked to believe that he could be a mover and a shaker, but in his heart of hearts, he knows it's all just a pipe dream. Kind of like my dream to rule the world, or Daphne's dream of the perfect tin foil headgear.
bill| 12.3.08 @ 9:24PM
Daphne:
Go t0 huffingtonpost.com. They are more your type. You obviously do not know what a real conservative is. Trust me. You are likely a conservative. For example. Do you think the government should determine what temperature YOUR thermostat needs to be set to? Do you believe that the government has a right to tell YOU how to raise you children? Do you think that the government has to right to determine how much money YOU need to pay in taxes? Do you believe the government has the right to tell YOU what car to drive? Do you believe that the government should decide what charity YOUR tax dollars should go? I doubt it.
For example, would you support a government that forced you to buy an SUV? Would you support a government that taxed you at 91%? Would you support a government that told you what you could and could not eat?
If you answered no to any of the questions above, you are a conservative. Liberals are conservatives who want to put restrictions on others not themselves. Liberals want to tell others what cars to drive. Liberals want to tell others how to raise their children. Liberal want others ("the rich" - i.e. someone other then them) to pay higher taxes. Liberals want others to have to set their thermostats at a specific temperature.
Conservatives believe that government needs to keep it's nose out of people's business. If people want to set their thermostat at 78 then fine. If people want to set their thermostat at 68 then fine. People should pay little in taxes. People should be able to choose what charities they want THEIR money to go. People should be able to choose the car they drive. People know better how to raise THEIR children then the government. etc. etc. etc.
Liberals are hypocrites. Their moto: "Do unto others as you would NOT do unto yourself"
Dai Alanye | 12.3.08 @ 10:03PM
Shall we take up a collection for Daphne so she can buy more medicine? Seems she's already had enough koolaid.
chuckie| 12.3.08 @ 10:12PM
I don't think Daphne's cave has a thermostat.
Avitar| 12.4.08 @ 12:44PM
America Conservitive Definition:
-Conservatism - policies that have succeeded based on empirical evidence.-
The founding fathers took items that worked in cities at historical times, scaled them up to states, and then moved to scale policies up to the nation.
One of the very important things to remember is that a Conservative does not always advance policies whose goals are obvious. A good number of conservatives had been advancing free trade of late knowing that it will not work. Free trade has a very nice theoretical foundation. Historically trade wars are the rule and free trade rarely is a success. Hong Kong is the exception, which proves the rule
The half trillion dollar current account deficits that we have been running for the last decade as a result of the WTO have had the effect of putting a hundred million Chinese to work making consumer goods. Over the same time, this has vastly reduced the social forces in China for war. The Bush policy has been expensive but a very small cost compared to a third world war and it has changed the nature of China. A desirable goal accomplished by conservative means but in no way clear.
Ms. Know| 12.6.08 @ 9:59PM
No they're not stupid, it's just the mainstream media illuminati shower the liberals with nothing but praise, and portray the conservatives in such a negative light.
gavin| 12.6.08 @ 10:23PM
i think daffy kenwad is actually an am-spec plant.every article has Daffy talking about what a good stalinist she is.I think she is an invention of the am-spec staff.so the most lame articles get treated like the not lame articles.ergo," my article must have been trenchant 'cause daffy 'tack it"
"no way man we have a daffey 'tack on all articles"
Daphne Kenward| 12.7.08 @ 2:01PM
Chuckie.
I have a thermostat, in my cave but it does'nt work because it was made in America.