Seems like every time you turn on the CNN there is Barack Obama
in his shirtsleeves or John McCain and his sidekick Sarah Palin (or
is the other way round?) visiting a small town diner and pestering
some poor retiree who’s just trying to drink his coffee before it
gets cold and gum a piece of lemon meringue before it congeals.
And the closer it gets to election day, the more the assaults on
America’s diners intensify. Here’s just a sample from the recent
diner-loaded itinerary of both presidential campaigns: On August
12, John McCain and his wife Cindy had pie at the Red Bank Diner in
Trenton, New Jersey. Two days later, John and Cindy (the latter
nursing a hand mangled by an over-zealous supporter) stopped by the
Kerby’s Koney Island Diner in Bloomfield, Mich. Obama, Joe Biden
and their spouses showed up August 30, at the Yankee Kitchen Diner
in Boardman, Ohio, while that same day McCain and Palin stopped by
Tom’s Diner in Pittsburgh. On Sept. 5, Obama greeted patrons at The
Avenue Diner in Wyoming, Pa., while on Sept. 10, McCain chowed down
at the Down Home Diner in Philadelphia, his schmoozing interrupted
by Obama supporters standing a ways off yelling “O-ba-ma, O-ba-ma!”
which shows that if you are going to visit a diner, it’s best to
stick to small towns where people still have some manners.
Both campaigns have hired crack teams of diner-locating agents
armed with strategic maps and GPS devices that can pinpoint every
diner in every small town in every battleground state. It’s all
part of their take-America-by-diner strategy. Those towns without
diners are hastily crossed off the itinerary, unless they happen to
have a Slinky factory the candidate can tour, though it
must be said that American factories making American products are
considerably harder to find than diners. Once candidates would
visit local elementary schools, but neither campaign seems much
interested in talking about how six years after No Child Left
Behind we are still leaving many kids behind, and neither candidate
has a clue what to do about it.
WHAT IS IT with candidates and diners? And what have they got
against McDonald’s or Fuddruckers? Obviously candidates need a
picturesque, friendly place where there can reliably find lots of
working class voters which isn’t a saloon, a place they can pop
into quickly, get a few good photo-ops, pretend they are listening
intently to the concerns of a couple of retired farmers, trade some
jocular banter with a sassy waitress named Flo, and then get out.
The diner is perfect for this. With fast food chains you not only
don’t get a wise-cracking, bubble-gum popping waitress serving you
coffee, but you get an anonymous, sullen, pimply high school girl
behind a counter who can’t even vote. And there are no menus with
Barackburgers named just for the occasion.
As a bit of Americana, diners also capitalize on Americans’
nostalgic yearning for a simpler time, when we didn’t have to fear
terrorists deploying nuclear weapons in our streets, just the
Soviet Union deploying nuclear weapons in our streets. The diner
would seem to be home territory for a conservative war hero, more
so than for an elitist “candidate of change” and an
African-American to boot, who fifty years ago would not have been
allowed in most diners, but who today is serenaded by Barbra
Streisand at a $2,500-per-person reception at the Beverly Wilshire
Hotel. McCain, however, is no conservative, and if there is one
thing retired farmers are serious about it is government programs
like Social Security and farm subsidies, and they remain highly
dubious that Republicans will continue to prop up the rotting
corpse of the New Deal.
Actually, most of eateries that go by the name diners do not
really fit the bill, and are more likely cafes or bistros, both of
which — with their French-sounding names — are considered too
precious and, well, French for small towns. The first
diners were in fact decommissioned railroad dining cars, and
remained mobile, available to be picked up and rolled down the
highway to a new and better location whenever necessary. Like
anything else that inspires affection, diners have their rather
nerdy and obsessive aficionados, who cannot agree on what
constitutes a genuine diner. There are those who say a diner must
be a long, narrow prefabricated structure, containing lots of
stainless steel, and a counter with swivel stools, not unlike the
diner in the Barry Levinson film of the same name. It must also be
family-owned and serve unpretentious, inexpensive meals. Some say
if a diner doesn’t serve breakfast 24/7 it’s not a diner. You can
also tell a real diner by the colorful lingo of its staff, one
famous example (remembered from a Three Stooges’ short) being:
“Adam and Eve on a raft and wreak ‘em,” which is, of course, two
scrambled eggs on toast.
The diner’s heyday came to an end with World War II, as post-war
suburban sprawl bred chain fast food restaurants faster than
guppies. Occasionally a retro-cafe opens in an old storefront
somewhere, calling itself a diner, but lacks the look and charm of
the genuine article, and a real devotee wouldn’t be caught dead in
one.
Back in April Obama stopped by the Glider Diner in Scranton,
Pa., for a quick bite. After the candidate left, an industrious
patron scooped up the scraps and later offered the leftovers for
sale on eBay. One bidder offered $20,000 for Obama’s
half-eaten waffle. With five weeks left in the campaign season and
both candidates hitting the diner circuit hard, there is a
potential fortune to be made by scrappy entrepreneurs. We may turn
this economy around yet.
