WASHINGTON — The Republican Party announced yesterday its
members in Congress have sold the party’s spine to the rival
Democratic Party for a small slice of pork.
“Some have questioned whether the Republican Party still had a
spine,” read the press release issued after Republicans helped
Democrats pass a massive farm bill yesterday. “Today we proved that
we do have one by removing it from storage and selling it to the
Democrats for some much-coveted pork.”
“What a deal!” exclaimed Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell,
R-Kentucky. “I got a tax break for racehorse owners, and all it
cost us was one lousy elephant backbone that nobody even used
anyway! Awesome!”
Though House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio, voted
against the farm bill, from which Democrats sliced the GOP’s share
of pork, 100 of the 199 House Republicans voted for it. Thirty-five
Senate Republicans voted for it; only 13 voted against it.
Rep. Robin Hayes, R-N.C., walked by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
moments after he voted for the $290 billion federal farm bill on
Wednesday and yelled, “Sucker! I got some po-ork, I got some
po-ork! All you got is some elephant bones! Ha-ha!”
The farm bill increased welfare spending, continued massive
subsidies to farmers currently earning record profits on crops such
as corn and soybeans, maintained biofuel tariffs, and dished out
prodigious amounts of pork-barrel spending. Visitors touring the
Capitol report that Republicans not only voted for the bill, but
did so in broad daylight and even bragged about it later.
The exact details of the spine-for-pork transaction were not
available by press time. Sources say the spine was worth many times
what Democrats paid for it. But Republicans expressed no interest
in selling it to eager buyers on the open market.
“I’ve been in Washington a long time, and you know, I’m not sure
I really trust the market anymore,” said one Republican senator
involved in the negotiations. “Who’s going to make sure everyone’s
treated fairly? Who’s going to set the price? What if no one bids
on it? It’s all so risky and, quite frankly, really frightening.
Oh, look at the time! I’ve got to go regulate cable
television.”
Libertarians started an Internet campaign to convince
Republicans to sell them the spine, but Republican spam filters
that previously had been set to block all e-mails from Libertarians
prevented Republicans from finding out about the offer until it was
too late.
Sen. Judd Gregg, R-N.H., ranking Republican on the Senate Budget
Committee, tried to get the party’s spine back by trading Senate
Majority Leader Harry Reid 6,000 gallons of “grade-A light amber
New Hampshire maple syrup” and Democratic Rep. Carol Shea-Porter of
New Hampshire’s First District, but was rebuffed. He was later seen
banging his head against the statue of Daniel Webster in Statuary
Hall.
“We’re gonna win reelection this fall for sure!” said one
jubilant Republican who voted for the farm bill because it
contained a pork project for his district. “The American people
respect politicians who stand up to the party in power and meekly
beg for handouts and favors!”
