You know the old joke about the person who suddenly collapses in
a public place and a woman turns to render assistance. Before she
can do anything, a burly man runs over and pushes her aside. “Make
way,” he shouts. “I have training in first aid.” He immediately
gets busy trying to position himself for emergency resuscitation
techniques. “What do you do after you finish that part,” the woman
wonders.
“Then I call a doctor,” he replies impatiently.
“Good. When you get up to that, let me know,” she says. “I am
already here.”
Using a like argument, Hillary Clinton tried to regain the edge
in her battle with Barack Obama for the Democrat candidacy. She and
her trusty sidekick, Maggie Williams (Aunt Tomasina to the Obama
people), ran a series of television ads showing the phone ringing
in the White House at 3 a.m. and asking viewers who they would
rather see picking up that phone. One can see her point, of course;
better to have Bill answer those late night heavy-breathing calls
than leaving them to Michelle Obama.
These advertisements are thought by the literati and glitterati,
the intelligentsia and the cognoscenti, to have been critical in
engineering her masterful triumph on Super Tuesday II, enabling her
to emerge victorious in Texas and Ohio. The commentariat, having
delivered itself of that trenchant analysis, generally fails to
mention that all this hoopla about winning Texas and Ohio added up
to a whopping advantage of 14 delegates on the day. It also avoids
pointing out that she lost a big chunk out of her earlier
twenty-point polling leads in those locales.
Be that as it may, I am frankly stunned by the contention that
Hillary Clinton is somehow more equipped to answer that phone call.
Even Mark Davis, the Houston talk-show host who sat in for Rush
Limbaugh on Tuesday, parroted the idea that Clinton brings more
substance to foreign policy or global crises. Apparently the
selling job has really taken hold, with everyone on both sides
buying the premise. Not I. My agnosticism in relation to Hillary’s
beatification has withstood her phony sales job. Bull, I say, she
is an empty suit, and that is being charitable.
Can someone quote me an original idea by Hillary Clinton upon
any subject of diplomatic or military interest? The fact that she
went along with some of our tough stands in Afghanistan and Iraq
just shows she can listen to reason now and then; it does not crown
her as a genius. What else is there to cite in support of this
putative wisdom? When has she stood out from the pack and made a
unique mark for herself with any inspired initiative, save the
health-care catastrophe in 1993? Say what you want about John
McCain’s positions, but they do show individuality.
Unless, of course, all of this is in code. It is meant to convey
to the electorate that we are to reelect Bill Clinton by proxy.
This will garner us a third-term President who has already been
quite active in the Oval Office and who can be counted upon to
unravel whatever knotty scenarios that geopolitics throw our way.
If this is the case, it is even more obscene. The fact that this
family, this mutant clan, is still in the race should be a thorn in
the craw of every decent American.
Now the idea of Obama hearing that plangent peal of the 3 a.m.
hotline in the People’s House is not thrilling to me, for the same
reason I would not want Carl Levin or Russ Feingold or Robert Byrd
to pick up that receiver. These people are not irresponsible per
se; they are merely responsible practitioners of an irresponsible
doctrine. Hate the ideology, not the ideologue. By that standard,
Hillary Clinton is not in the least immune from this critique. This
despite her overwhelming qualifications she frequently asserts:
growing up with brothers, working on the McGovern campaign and
“helping the children” at the Children’s Defense Fund.
The only consolation prize of a Hillary presidency might be
linked to that other old joke. A fellow tells his friend that he
must be strong and control his wife. “Oh, yes,” he replied. “Why,
the other day she was on her hands and knees before me!”
“Really, what did she say?”
“She said, get out from under that bed and come fight like a
man.” If we can get to watch Bill being ground underfoot, a Hillary
win might pay a small dividend.
