If you were looking for the grand 2008 Republican Presidential
primary fracas to disambiguate the meaning of conservative for the
coming century, boy are you starting to feel like a doofus. This is
more of a catfight between the fatcats; an imbroglio in the
seraglio, as it were. These are the nabobs of nuance, the satraps
of sophistry, each a singleton of doubletalk, an evangel of
evasion. This is politics as usual, unusually so.
Which means that what you and I need more than ever is one of
those magazine questionnaires teaching you what you should be
asking yourself about the candidates. And since you popular types
requested so nicely, here is your handy-dandy guide to who should
earn your primary vote and what secondary characteristics he should
display:
1. Has your candidate been tested in the crucible of harsh
travail, enduring horrific environments such as the Salt Lake City
Olympics, rooming with a gay couple while being estranged from your
wife, seven years in a North Vietnamese prison camp or the set of
Law and Order when the sandwich truck shows up late?
2. Has your candidate gone to the wall on immigration, hit the
wall on immigration or built the wall on immigration?
3. Has your candidate been a Watergate lawyer who helped sink
Nixon, thus enabling him to compete with Hillary Clinton, a
Watergate lawyer who helped sink Nixon? And is he a party loyalist,
thus enabling him to inspire party loyalty?
4. Has your candidate, while Mayor of New York, refused
donations of many millions from Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia? If
yes, dump him hard. He has no chance of raising enough funds.
5. To settle a dispute between a candidate with two last names,
like Duncan Hunter, and one with two first names, like Ron Paul,
would they consent to compromise by each taking one name from the
other and becoming Ron Hunter and Paul Duncan?
6. Is your candidate equal to handling the mixed metaphors of
our national public life? Can he knit the fraying of the fabric of
our society while giving a massage to the body politic? Can he
anchor the ship of state from veering down the garden path? Can he
hoe that tough row on the fruited plain?
7. Since the French symbolize socialism, the continental sound
can only be achieved on the right by using French terms
specifically for the most capitalist elements. Can your candidate
stress the laissez-faire of the entrepreneur with the savoir-faire
of the debonair?
8. If your candidates finish 1-2 and decide to combine in the
Hunter-Thompson ticket, will their campaign book be entitled Fear
and Loathing in Washington, D.C.?
9. Does your candidate have his 95-year-old mother accompany him
on the campaign trail to make him seem youthful in comparison? And
if so, how does he address the paradox of "nonage" meaning
childhood and immaturity while "nonagenarian" means a person over
ninety?
10. When your candidate says he favors a certain piece of
legislation because it has all the earmarks of a good bill, do
those earmarks have his brother-in-law's name on them?
11. Does your candidate favor appointment of strict
constructionist judges to the Federal courts, and if so, does he
favor new regulations to insure strict construction of our nation's
bridges?
12. Does your candidate have the first clue of how much AIDS
research you actually get for 10 billion dollars as opposed to,
say, 10 million dollars?
13. Does your candidate fully comprehend that the global energy
crisis has been resolved in toto through replacing all of Thomas
Edison's ideas with dim bulbs?
14. Does your candidate believe that human activities, such as
revving the engine of your Corvette in front of your girlfriend's
house, are frying the planet to a crisp, and if so, will the green
cheese which the moon is made out of melt?
15. Is your candidate aware of our national obesity crisis and
does he support the creation of a new Cabinet-level department to
monitor the caloric intake of every citizen?
Filling out this convenient format will enable you to choose
wisely, so that a truly wise and inspired individual will put his
hand into your pocket to buy a golden future for our children, or
at least such issue as may survive the supersized global tuna melt,
you know, the one with Al Gore's picture.
topics:
Hillary Clinton, Earmarks, Environment, Law, Socialism, Immigration, Energy
