It was a very good year.
Far from having us search for them, they all came to us. Wannabe
Enemies, begging for attention, disturbing our peace, our poetry
readings and cello recitals, our outings into the lake district to
fish and to paint. For as long as we can remember, they’ve been
running: Obama, we have it on good authority, since age 5. Hillary,
always doing him one better, since age 5 months (she must have been
a beautiful child). Huckabee, ever since the Clintons left
Arkansas, creating a vacuum that only he, during his own era of
greed, could fill. Alan Keyes, since Obama beat him in a Senate
squeaker. John Edwards, since the National Enquirer got a
sample of his DNA. Ron Paul, ever since he declined to remember the
Maine.
For reasons of national security, we won’t go into the
motivations behind the Mitt, McCain, and Rudy juggernauts. But we
will say we’ve found our favorite. That would be Fred, who took his
sweet time to announce he might run, and once officially in the
run, stopped running. We like his chances.
Have we omitted anyone? Like you care.
Frankly, seeing as how all politics is loco, we’re much more
interested in other hot spots. There’s New York, where, in an
unexpected turn, Gov. Eliot Spitzer has found it impossible to fill
the shoes of George Pataki. There’s Virginia, where John Warner is
passing the torch to Mark Warner, and Jim Webb has been on his best
behavior and there have even been a few George Allen sightings.
There’s California, where Arnold Schwarzenegger continues to
pronounce Kalifornia with a Polish accent. And finally, there’s
Colorado, where it snows a lot, sort of like all those places where
Republicans are heading for the hills in advance of Avalanche
2008.
Oh, and let’s not dare overlook Moscow, palatial home of this
year’s Time Magazine Person of the Year, the comradely
Vladimir Putin. What’s telling here is no so much Putin’s annoyance
at winning a meaningless prize as who again came in second despite
winning the popular vote and finding comfort in the lesser prizes
such as the Oscar going to the documentary wiener and the peace in
our time prize from the notables of Oslo, Norway. That would be Mr.
Al Gore, rock entrepreneur, Arctic swimmer, and Nordic orator.
Yes, consider the rhetorical — and theological — strides the
Rev. Al made since late last February when, at the Academy Awards,
he called his favorite warm and cuddly cause “not a political
issue,” but “a moral issue.” At his Nobel Lecture on December 10,
he put meat on those spiritual bones, announcing straight out that
his life has had a purpose for years now and “I have prayed that
God would show me a way to accomplish it.” To think this is the
same one-time sinner who sighed and rolled his eyes and tried to
throw George W. Bush out of the ring all because Bush had averred
that Jesus Christ was his favorite philosopher.
There were more great moments in what can rightfully be called
Gore’s Nobel Sermon. Reiterating the efficacy of
prayer, again he humbly confessed, “I pray what I am feeling in my
heart will be communicated.” Citing an ancient prophet, he let it
be known he could no longer remain pro-choice: “Life or death,
blessings or curses. Therefore, choose life, that both thou and thy
seed may live.” He quoted Winston Churchill, a saint in most
conservative faiths, warning against threats to the very essence of
our being. He spoke of plagues and calamities even the Old
Testament couldn’t have described. In an ecumenical gesture toward
Mahatma Gandhi, he invoked “Satyagraha” — or truth force. “In
every land [presumably those that remain above water] the truth —
once known — has the power to set us free,” Al added.
Which leaves us confident he can face the truth this time around
too. So here goes. We regret to announce that Mr. Al Gore has
reverted to form and finished second in a key political race. So,
no, he will not be Enemy Central’s Enemy of the Year 2007.
In a huge upset, completely out of the blue, that honor is going
to the most biased and obnoxious hack at the Washington
Post, Mr. Michael Wilbon, who back on September 14 had the gall to try to ride New
England Patriots coach Bill Belichick out of the NFL for wearing
“those hideous hooded sweatshirts during games.” In this case, the
enemy of the perfect was up to no good.
