MANCHESTER, N.H. — Millions of Americans who awoke on Christmas
morning to find boxes of universal health care and renewable energy under
their trees showed up at America’s shopping malls early the next
morning asking if they could exchange the mysterious gifts for Van
Halen tickets and Guitar Hero III.
The gifts were left by New York Sen. Hillary Clinton, who is
running for the Democratic nomination for president by promising to
give the American people universal health care and pre-school,
alternative energy and billions of dollars of other goods and
services free of charge.
“America wants universal health care, free pre-school, and our
troops brought out of harm’s way,” Clinton said in a statement
released yesterday morning. “And these gift boxes are my pledge to
deliver what America wants when I become president. We have waited
too long for a secular president who will vaingloriously take from
one segment of the population and give to everyone else in the name
of Christian compassion. If you elect me, I promise I will have no
problem doling out goodies that somebody else paid for. And
expensive ones, too!”
But in a surprising turn of events, Americans are returning
Clinton’s gifts despite their popularity in opinion polls. Millions
of Americans ventured out of their homes yesterday with the sole
intention of exchanging Clinton’s presents for something they might
actually have bought had they been allowed to keep their own money
and spend it on themselves.
“Dude, this is totally not what I asked for,” said Evan
Tellwether, 34, of Manchester, N.H., where hundreds of the gifts
appeared under Christmas trees on Tuesday morning. “Van Halen is
coming here in March, man, and it’s sold out, and now instead of
tickets I’ve got an empty box that says ‘alternative energy’ on it.
And, frankly, I have a sneaking suspicion that somehow I paid for
it, too. Thanks a freakin’ lot, Hillary Clinton.”
Ryan Hathaway, 28, of Des Moines, Iowa, said he found one of the
universal health care packages under his tree instead of the
PlayStation 3 he wanted. “Universal health care? I’m 23, man, what
the hell am I going to do with that?” he asked. “I want my video
game!”
Egbert Hiznogget, professor of political science at Yale, said
that Clinton’s mistake was to imply a choice between an abstract
political concept and physical goods people could spend their own
money on.
“People are happy to tell pollsters they want universal health
care because they assume someone else is going to pay for it,”
Hiznogget said. “There’s an underlying sense that there really is a
Santa Claus out there who is going to give you something for
nothing. But when it comes to presents under their tree, people
know there is no such thing as Santa. They understand that whatever
gifts are there, they paid for them. Except for the fruitcake. So
instead of contrasting her health care plan with Barack Obama’s,
Clinton managed to get the American people to compare the distant
benefit of government-subsidized alternative energy sometime in the
future with the immediate disappointment of not having High School
Musical 2 under the tree.”
Spokesmen for several major retailers said their corporate
headquarters have had to e-mail the Clinton campaign’s main phone
number to all of their retail outlets because the number of people
trying to return the wrapped boxes was overwhelming their customer
service desks.
The most requested exchanges were, in this order, Van Halen
concert tickets, Guitar Hero III, flat panel TVs, global
positioning systems, digital cameras, iPhones, gift cards, and
donations to the campaign of any candidate promising tax cuts.
Andrew Cline is editorial page editor of the New
Hampshire Union Leader and editor of the humor blog www.gunsnbutter.com..
