WELLESLEY, Mass. — Workers remodeling a Wellesley College
dormitory last week unearthed what was first thought to be the
remains of a long-missing student, but was later determined to be
the spine of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., who lived in the
dorm while a Wellesley undergraduate.
“It was just lying there among some old term papers, a copy of
Barry Goldwater’s The Conscience of a Conservative, and a
lava lamp made by someone who obviously failed shop class,” said
Tom Killaney, supervisor of the crew that made the amazing
discovery.
Clinton, then Hillary Diane Rodham, attended Wellesley from 1966
to 1969. Her undergraduate years were a flurry of political
activism and campus leadership, which saw her routinely challenge
authority and rise to several prominent positions, including class
president and head of the campus chapter of Students for the
Non-Violent Overthrow of Parental Control — Except Concerning
Tuition Payments (SNVOPC— ECTP).
As class president, Clinton gained national attention with her
commencement speech to the Class of ‘69, in which she criticized
Republican U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke of Massachusetts, the previous
speaker, for being too passive as a senator, evidently considered a
controversial thing for a college student to say in 1969. But since
that speech, her penchant for taking political risks has
vanished.
“Something definitely happened to her between the time she
graduated Wellesley and the time she finished Yale Law,” said Judy
Vale, a Wellesley classmate of Clinton’s. “I mean besides her
impassioned and yet ultimately fruitless three-year struggle to
comprehend fully and with perfect understanding the philosophical
teachings of Grand Funk Railroad drummer Don Brewer.”
Jessica Humpfelter, another Wellesley classmate, said she, too,
noticed a change in Clinton in the years following graduation.
“Hillary and I used to go shopping together in college, and she
always picked what she liked, even if it was hideously
unfashionable,” Humpfelter said. “You’ve seen pictures of her from
college; you know I’m not lying. Well, last time we went shopping,
she asked the clerk for the most popular pant-suit, then after she
tried it on she actually polled the women in the store to see if
they liked it. She tried on six suits and ended up picking the one
with the highest positive response among women in the store who
were registered voters over the age of 34.”
Scientists say the missing spine could explain why Sen. Clinton,
during her presidential campaign, has refused to state firm
positions on sensitive issues such as Social Security reform,
driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants, and whether Taco Bell
chalupas are crunchier or meltier.
“It could be the spine,” said Dr. Umberto Chen, a spinal
specialist in private practice. “Or it could be that she’s just
exceedingly duplicitous. I really couldn’t say without running some
tests.”
Wellesley offered to return Clinton’s spine, but has yet to hear
back from the senator.
“We’ve been told by her campaign that she’ll take it back if
doing so polls above 60 percent,” Wellesley spokeswoman Angie
Boyleston said.
