You may have been treated to an email containing a list called, “Things you have to believe to be a
Republican,” that’s been wending its way around cyberspace lately.
It’s a real hoot, but not for the reasons its unknown authors
intended; for it says far more about them than about us. In the
interests of compassionate conservatism, I thought I’d give them a
hand in reaching a better understanding of their opposition.
To be a Republican you need to believe:
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
Hillary Clinton. No, Jesus loves all of humanity, even those
whose disdain of him prompts them to use his name for alleged
comical purposes.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush’s Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business
with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a ‘we can’t find Bin
Laden’ diversion. No, Saddam Hussein, like Joseph Stalin, was
always a bad guy, who was at times, a useful ally. See the next
paragraph for what Bill Clinton thought of him when he needed a
“blue dress” diversion.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and
our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against
Iraq. Yes, we should; and the resolution authorizing the use
of force against Iraq was overwhelmingly passed by the U.S.
Congress in October, 2002. Part of it reads, “Whereas the Iraq
Liberation Act of 1998 expressed the sense of Congress that it
should be the policy of the United States to support efforts to
remove from power the current Iraqi regime and promote the
emergence of a democratic government to replace that regime…”
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting
all mankind without regulation. A typical liberal non
sequitur, but here goes: the last time I checked, drug companies
were in the business of making money, and not in the intentional
and deliberate taking of innocent human life, which some of us
still call murder.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the
troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat
pay. It is often said that a lie repeated enough becomes the truth, but not in this
case. Maybe our friends on the left feel the best way to improve
our troops’ morale is to compare them to Nazis, call them
terrorists, insult their generals, judge their mission a failure
and organize protests with signs reading, “We support our troops when they shoot
their officers.”
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have
sex. If the indoctrination of free-love, “alternate
lifestyles,” and sexual promiscuity had been kept out of our
schools — where they had no business in the first place — our
children wouldn’t need condoms.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools. While
the latter is a matter of faith, not science, the perils of
second-hand smoke and the human impact on climate change are indeed
theories. Much like that of Charles Darwin, which has been crammed
down the throats of American children as science for almost a
century. But take heart liberals; someday the “missing link”
between global warming, George Bush and every national disaster in
the past six years may indeed turn up.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a
war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Listen
closely: lying under oath is called perjury, the persecution of
which Bill Clinton narrowly avoided by accepting Arkansas and U.S.
Supreme Court disbarments and fines. And if George W. Bush was a
liar as regards Iraq, his predecessor — who, in direct defiance of
the above mentioned Iraq Liberation Act, used military action
against Saddam — sounded a lot like him when he sent our troops
into harm’s way (emphasis added):
Their mission is to attack Iraq’s nuclear, chemical and
biological weapons programs and its military capacity to threaten
its neighbors. Their purpose is to protect the national
interest of the United States, and indeed the interests of
people throughout the Middle East and around the
world.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need
our prayers for your recovery. Let’s try turning this one
around, shall we? Being a drug addict is an illness and you need
our prayers for your recovery, unless you’re a conservative radio
host. Then it’s a moral failing and a crime.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet. I know it’s tough to read through an entire eight
page document, but amendments to the Constitution actually become
part of the Constitution (hint: see Article V).
