NASHVILLE — Republican scientists are secretly working to bring
former President James K. Polk back to life in time to run him for
president in 2008, The American Spectator has learned.
“America yearns desperately for a second James K. Polk
presidency,” said one scientist involved in the project. “OK, I
made that up. But my God, have you seen who we have running? I’m
thinking of voting for Gordon, the lead chimpanzee in my
Alzheimer’s study. Sure, he might be a chimp, but at least I know
where he stands on the issues. And at no point has he ever voted
for a baboon or supported any of their liberal, self-indulgent
policies.”
The scientists, a crack team of geneticists and political
science professors, are striving to reanimate the eleventh
president “for the good of the party and the country,” according to
one insider who asked not to be identified.
“Like most other Republicans, we long for a candidate we can
really get excited about,” the source said. “Unfortunately, Andrew
Jackson has already served two terms. So we’re cloning James K.
Polk.”
With no Republican candidate electrifying the party’s base or
the scientific community, the scientists began meeting in early
autumn to consider the previously unthinkable: cloning a former
president and running him for office.
“We first met with the intention of cloning Fred Thompson, but
it turns out he’s actually alive,” said Filbert Piglatin, chief of
genetics at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Office of Biological
and Environmental Research, currently on leave to lead the Polk
project. “And according to news reports, he’s already running for
president, though I have yet to see any data confirming that
hypothesis.”
The team chose Polk after ruling out Ronald Reagan, Abraham
Lincoln and Andrew Jackson as ineligible and Calvin Coolidge as
unelectable.
Asked whether running a deceased person would be a problem,
Piglatin said it would not.
“The Constitution says you have to be at least 35 years old to
be president,” Piglatin said. “It says nothing about being
alive.”
The scientists wound up with Polk because of his politics as
well as his availability.
“Through extensive research we have concluded that each of the
current Republican candidates is in fact significantly less
Republican than James K. Polk,” said Waldo Dinghiddy, a professor
of molecular biology at the University of Florida. “This is true
even though Polk was a registered Democrat and had long hair.”
“Ronald Reagan said that he didn’t leave the Democratic Party,
it left him,” said Elmer Ribbington, a geneticist at Georgia Tech.
“In Polk’s case, that is literally true.”
Polk also would stand a decent chance of beating Hillary
Clinton, the team concluded.
“He’s got a great record,” said Yin O’Malley, a political
scientist at Emory University “In Polk’s single term he lowered
tariffs, sparking economic growth, and expanded the size of the
United States by 800,000 square miles. California and Oregon are
states because of James K. Polk, which puts the entire West Coast
into play in the event of a Polk candidacy. Plus, he had a They
Might Be Giants song named after him. Not even Barack Obama can say
that.”
The scientists have until Nov. 2 to get Polk revived, briefed on
current politics, registered as a Republican, and registered for
the New Hampshire primary.
“We’re working faster than Bill Richardson at a buffet
restaurant full of voters,” Piglatin said. “It’ll be a hectic few
weeks, but if we pull this off, Republican primary voters will
finally have a candidate they can rally around. Oh, and we’ll also
have the greatest scientific breakthrough in the history of
mankind. But I don’t care about that as long as I don’t have to
vote for Julie-Auntie, Oven Mitt, or McStain.”
Andrew Cline is editorial page editor of the New
Hampshire Union Leader and editor of the humor blog www.gunsnbutter.com.
