The following letter (acquired through a reliable but
anonymous transtemporal source) will be written by the Rev. Dr.
Judith Hardanger-Hansen, archbishop of the American Archdiocese of
the Lutheran Companionship of the Benevolent Deity Spiritual
Movement (BDSM), sometime around the second decade of the 21st
century.
Beloved in the All-Merciful (blessed be He):
I apologize for the time that has passed since my last pastoral
letter. It has been a stressful period, filled with emotional highs
and lows, and only now can I begin to articulate a few of the
things I have learned and am learning.
You may have read stories about me in the press. Unkind, hurtful
words like “apostate” have been directed at me by the bigots of the
insurgency. I would like to take this opportunity to set the record
straight.
You are all aware, I’m sure, of the trial and execution two
months ago of Pastor Ho Chi Niedermeyer. Pastor Niedermeyer was an
old friend of mine, a seminary classmate. Although his gay identity
was no secret, it was still a shock when he was brought before the
Provisional Islamic Tribunal on charges of sodomy.
I must admit that during that terrible time, I had a crisis of
faith. The core beliefs that had sustained me all my life seemed
ready to give way.
I began to question multiculturalism.
When Pastor Niedermeyer was sentenced to death by stoning, I
confess that I went through a lamentable period of genuine bigotry.
For a few terrible days, I actually believed that his conviction
was morally wrong. That his Islamic accusers should not be judged
by their own cultural norms, but by some universal standard of
right and wrong.
Such thoughts sickened me. I went for counsel to the wisest
person I know, the man who has become my mentor and much more, Imam
Mustapha Ali Hakim al-Cincinnati.
As I told him of my struggles, he fixed me with his soulful,
compassionate brown eyes and said to me, “Why are you in doubt,
Daughter? Do you not see that all the enemies of Allah are
messengers of evil, worthy of indignity and death, rightly doomed
to eternal torment, writhing upon red-hot coals among the
blasphemers and infidels?”
“You mean,” I said, “that the only possible reason one could
object to the ancient wisdom of the east is sheer bigotry.”
“That is one way to put it,” he replied. “Furthermore, all
sodomites are abominable in the eyes of Allah, and ought to be spat
upon, beaten with sticks and mocked by true men, and if they will
not renounce their perversion they should be grateful if crushing
under a collapsed wall is all that they must suffer.”
“I see,” I said, understanding him to mean that the Islamic
peoples are victims of western imperialism, and have the right to
uphold their cultural traditions in the face of Amero-European
cultural aggression.
“Pastor Niedermeyer was my dear friend,” I said. “I can’t see
that he’s done anything worthy of death.”
“You need to purge your mind of worldly opinions,” the Imam
said. “Your feelings, along with your idea of some inner moral
sense, are all less than lint in a camel’s navel in the eyes of
Allah. All that matters is the word of holy Koran, and total
submission to its ordinances.”
By which he meant (obviously) that I had no right to call myself
a tolerant person so long as I refused, out of mere Christian
prejudice, to open my mind and embrace the tenets of Islam.
Such wisdom the imam possesses! I suddenly felt deeply ashamed,
as I always do when I speak with him, of the mulish inferiority of
our western ways in comparison with the sophistication and
spirituality of his.
I fell to the floor, tears if shame burning on my cheeks. “What
must I do?” I cried. “How can I expiate the guilt of my imperialist
heritage, my bigoted morality, my hateful blue eyes?”
“The way is plain,” said he. “First you must lay down this sham
of spiritual leadership. You are a mere woman, and must not presume
to teach men the ways of Allah. You must resign your
bishopric.”
I felt then that he understood the leaden weight I carried, and
I knew that it was a relief to be rid of it.
“Then you must convert to the true faith,” he said. “For there
is no God but Allah, and all polytheists and idolaters are
abominations in His sight.”
And I understood then in my heart that the Prophet Isa of
Nazareth (called Jesus by Christians), the messenger of peace,
would surely be pleased if I renounced the foul doctrines of the
Trinity and the Incarnation, evolutionary outgrowths of a hybrid of
degenerate Greek philosophy and Jewish blasphemy, the causes of so
much strife and division in the world.
“And you must become one of my wives,” he declared.
I wept again then, grateful for the imam’s graciousness in
accepting me, a cursed American whore, into his household.
And that is the reason for my resignation. Future inquiries
concerning my life and welfare may be directed to my Revered
Husband.
I urge all of you to follow the ways of peace, and to obey the
Prophet Isa, who would surely command you not to resist, but to
submit to the will of Allah. I am grateful to Allah (blessed be
He!) for leading me out of the sewer of Christian delusion into the
light and purity of Islamic truth, where I have at last found my
true fulfillment as a woman and — soon, I trust — a mother.
Blessed be He. Death to all sodomites.
Judith Hardanger-Hansen,
Formerly Archbishop.
