By Andrew Cline on 9.11.07 @ 12:07AM
Senator Brownback expects to make strong showing.
In the boldest move yet by a state seeking greater influence in
the presidential nomination process, the Kansas legislature
yesterday voted to move the state's presidential primary to last
Tuesday.
"That'll show 'em!" declared House Speaker Melvin Neufeld.
"Kansas is first and there ain't nothin' no one can do about
it!"
The unconventional move baffled political pundits, many of whom
wondered what good it would do Kansas to hold a primary in the
past. "How will they get the ballots printed in time?"
Washington Post columnist David Broder asked.
But Kansas politicians were universally thrilled with the new
law.
"Finally, Kansas has had some influence in selecting our next
president," Gov. Kathleen Sebelius said. "Thanks to this visionary
law, every presidential candidate will be forced to have campaigned
in Kansas in the three or four months leading up to last Tuesday.
And in that time, they will have to have addressed issues important
to Kansans, such as ethanol legislation and the really irritating
fact that more people Google the '70s rock band Kansas than the
state."
Senate President Stephen Morris was jubilant.
"At last, we are going to have had our say!" he shouted.
In New Hampshire, state officials were scrambling to try to
figure out how to deal with the news. New Hampshire law requires
that state's primary to come one week before any similar
election.
"Well, frankly, we don't know what the hell to do," N.H.
Secretary of State Bill Gardner said. "We've asked N.H. inventor
Dean Kamen creator of the Segway Human Transporter, to build a time
machine so we can have our primary the Tuesday before last. But he
says it'll take a couple of years. In the meantime I think we'll
just pretend that the Kansas primary didn't happen. Because,
technically, it didn't. But honestly I'm not really sure our law
allows us to ignore a competing primary just because it did not
actually exist."
Iowa Gov. Chet Culver said his state would simply ignore Kansas
"like everyone else does."
Since no presidential candidates knew about the primary
beforehand, the only one to actually campaign in Kansas was Kansas
Sen. Sam Brownback, who wound up winning the Republican primary
with four votes. The late Kansas governor and 1936 presidential
candidate Alf Landon received two votes. The Democratic primary
winner was Zeke Johnson from Topeka, whose cousins Melvin and Jane
had, for "patriotic reasons," sent a letter to Gov. Sebelius asking
that Johnson be named president "upon the next full moon, or at the
earliest convenient time thereafter." They knew nothing of the
official primary, but as there were no other votes, Gov. Sebelius
said "that's good enough for me." Actor Ed Asner, a Kansas City
native who has friends within the state Democratic Party, and
presumably was tipped off to the legislation as it was being
written, finished second with one vote sent in by absentee ballot
-- from Hollywood.
Andrew Cline is editorial page editor of the New
Hampshire Union Leader and editor of the humor blog www.gunsnbutter.com.
topics:
Hollywood, Law
