The American Spectator

Barack Obama: Greetings, most exalted one. I want you to know how thrilled I am to be here and how deeply appreciative I am that you would take time away from changing the very fabric of our democracy to meet with me.

KOS: Your eloquence is…enticing. But let’s get down to brass tacks. What have you brought us?

Barack Obama: Well, as you know, I am the only candidate in the race to have opposed the Iraq war from the very beginning…

KOS: You forget Dennis Kucinich?

Barack Obama: You’re kidding, right? You actually consider him a candidate?

KOS: No. Just pulling your leg. Continue.

Barack Obama: Nice one, your eminence. You had me for a second there. Anyway, I bring you my firm and consistent opposition to the Iraq war, my willingness to invite anyone, and I mean anyone, over to brunch at the White House in my first year in office (and that includes your cyberness, of course), my uncanny ability to convince people that I actually know what I’m talking about on any subject, my charm, wit, good looks and 250,000 individual donors.

KOS: Excellent. Most excellent. But what about bombing Pakistan? Isn’t that a little Bush-Doctriney?

Barack Obama: Well, they are harboring al Qaeda, possibly including bin Laden himself. I think it would be a justified attack if we had credible intelligence, there was no possibility of civilian casualties, and it came right before the 2012 election, preferably in September.

KOS: So you’re saying they’re either with us or against us?

Barack Obama: No, not at all. We can invade their air space and bomb their countryside and they can still be with us. Wait. Scratch that. I’m saying that if they’re harboring terrorists, we’ll have to take action, but if they’re committing genocide, they can still be considered with us. In my administration, genocide won’t be an automatic trigger for war. They’d have to kill a hell of a lot of people before I’d send U.S. forces into another war of choice. A hell of a lot. As long as the dead aren’t Iraqis. They can kill as many of them as they want. I’m not going to intervene there. It’s just morally wrong.

KOS: Whatever, dude. Next!

John Edwards: Hey, is that a mirror?

KOS: Next!

Dennis Kucinich: Wow! It’s just like the holodeck on the Enterprise!