The American Spectator

Hillary Clinton: Boy, this room is dark. Hello? Anyone here? (Would someone find a f*%$&ing light switch before I trip and break a heel, please!)

An eerie, green glow appears at the far end of the dark, obsidian-walled chamber. It appears to be some sort of large, television-shaped apparition of a giant face.

KOS: Welcome, senator. Nice to see you. You look lovely in turquoise. Have you brought what we asked?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, my lord. I mean, I think so. And by the way, it’s blue, not turquoise. I didn’t spend $1,400 on turquoise. (Doyle, my bag!) Here you are, my lord. One “thank you” to your minions, one joke about the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, six live chickens, and one apology for my Iraq war vote. Wait. How’d that get in there? (Doyle, take this back, I told you, it’s not time yet!)

KOS: Not good enough!

Hillary Clinton: Well, in all honesty, my lord, there is a general election to think about. I have to flirt with the moderates if I’m going to keep them interested. You won’t find another candidate this committed to winning. I mean, I am showing my cleavage, after all.

KOS: You know the commandments, senator. You shall bow to no other gods before me! Be gone! But, you know, keep in touch. We need an alternative in case these other yahoos suddenly find they have spines, too. NEXT!

Bill Richardson: Hiya, there, Kossie. How’s it hangin’?

KOS: Enough with your impudence! Your regular guy shtick doesn’t work here, governor. If you know how to write code so that your blog can instantly be translated into Swahili, Esperanto, and Cerullian, that would impress us. Otherwise, put away that taco grande and show us what you brought.

Bill Richardson: Hey, no sweat, brother. Here you go. [A loud thud echoes off the futuristic black walls.] That’s my resume. You can read it when you have an extra six hours. This baseball bat represents my former minor league career, which shows I can appeal to red-staters. [Wooden clattering as the bat falls to the hard, marble-like floor and rolls away.] This sombrero is a reminder that I’m the only Hispanic candidate in the race, and therefore the one best likely to win the growing Hispanic vote in states rich in Electoral College votes, like California, Florida, and Texas. Yes, I’ll wear it if I have to. And here I have a pledge to end the Iraq war, appoint a union member as labor secretary, and hire Daily Kos bloggers to start the first ever official presidential blog. It’ll be under my name, of course, but your guys can say pretty much whatever they want. I’m fine with that.

KOS: What about the pledge to raise taxes at least 300 percent in your first 100 days in office? You are the only candidate who has not signed it.

Bill Richardson: Well, uh, I meant to talk to you about that. You see, in New Mexico, I cut taxes, and, funny thing here, we actually saw state revenue grow. How about that, eh?

KOS: Silence! Guards! Toss this frat boy into the poli-sci grad students’ room! Maybe they can convince him of the error of his ways.

Bill Richardson: Nooooooo!!

KOS: Next!